by Krissy V
We all sit in silence for a while and then the doctor comes in to check my pain levels. "I've arranged for a counselor to come and see you this afternoon. We will have a chat once I've spoken to her, ok?" He says.
"Yeah I understand," I say. I really want to go home and recuperate not stay in this poxy place.
Jordan comes back after about half an hour, I'm delighted he came back, I really am. I wasn’t sure he was going to, but when Mum said he was going to let off some steam I had a little grain of hope that he would. We tell him about the doctor and the counselor. "I hope you're allowed to go home, it will be easier to recuperate there," he says with a smile.
After lunch the counsellor comes in and asks Mum, Dad and Jordan to leave so she can speak to me on my own. They all come over and kiss me on the forehead and leave for a while. I see Jordan talking to the counsellor before he leaves the room, she nods at him and he hugs her. Strange!
The counsellor introduces herself as Joyce and asks me how I'm feeling. We sit and just talk for about an hour. She's not judgmental and I feel so much better. She tells me it's not my fault and I'm starting to believe her.
She says that she'd like to see me once a week to start with and see how I get on. I like her, she has really put me at ease and I feel like I can talk to her openly and honestly. I agree to see her weekly.
When Mum and Dad come back in Jordan isn't with them. "Where's Jordan?" I ask. It’s strange I'm so used to seeing him in here that the room feels so empty when he isn’t here.
"He's gone home to shower. I told him he was starting to smell," Mum says laughing. "He hasn't left your room since he brought you in. He needs to have some time to understand everything that's happened. He will be back in about an hour."
We talk about what Joyce had said to me and I tell them that she will visit me once a week at home where I can relax rather than going to her office. I like that idea. We wait for the doctor to come in. I am quite jittery because I really want to get home and start putting all this behind me.
Jordan comes back after an hour and the sight of him walking in my room is breathtaking. He is so handsome in his tight jeans showing off his gorgeous thighs. He has a white button down shirt on and he smells of my favourite after-shave that he always used to wear, Kouros. I can see the outline of more tattoo’s under his white shirt. There are lots of them, I wonder what made him have so many. "Hey Cassie” he says walking over to me and kissing me on the forehead. “How did it go with the counsellor?"
"It was fine, Joyce really helped me. I'm going to see her once a week and she is going to come to my house because I’ll feel more relaxed there than in an office." I smile.
"Ah Joyce is really good. You've landed a good counsellor there Cassie" he says with a smile.
I wonder how he knows Joyce, but I don't ask any questions.
At that moment the doctor comes back in and we all stop talking and look at him. "So Cassie, I've spoken to Joyce and she's happy for you to go home. I understand you've agreed to see her once a week for now and that's perfect. You will need to rest for a couple of weeks and then we will start some physio. If you do too much you could do more damage and then you'll need surgery. Do you understand me?" He says looking at me.
"Don't worry we’ll make sure she rests." Mum, Dad and Jordan say at the same time. We all start laughing.
"I’ll go and get the discharge papers and I'll give you a prescription for some pain killers and sleeping tablets to help you through the next two weeks," the doctor says to me.
"Thank you so much for all your help doctor, I appreciate it." I say smiling because I know I'm going home.
Jordan helps me out of the bed, I sign the discharge papers, pick up my prescription and pack my stuff into my bag.
Jordan holds my arm as we walk to the lift and then to Dad's car, he helps me into the front seat and then gets in the back with Mum. We stop at the chemist on the way home to get my medication.
When we get to the house, we all walk in and Jordan brings my bag in, but then he says, "I'm going to head off and leave you with your parents Cassie. You'll need your rest tonight. Don't forget to take your sleeping tablet and if it's ok I'll come back in the morning to see how you slept?" He stands, walks over to me and kisses me on the forehead.
"Do you really have to go?" I say whining like a spoilt child.
"Thanks Jordan. Don't worry she’ll be fine and of course it's ok for you to come over anytime. You know that," Mum says.
I watch him walk out the door and hope that he's not walking out of my life. I feel really sad. I start to cry and Mum comes over to me, "come on Cassie, he has his own life to live. He’ll be back in the morning, but you know he has to go back to London soon, don't you?" Mum says looking at me very carefully.
"I know, but I just got him back in my life and I need him to help me through this," I moan.
"I know baby, but you have us and Bonnie and Jezza too," Mum says and I can hear she is getting annoyed.
"I know Mum, I know" I say and resign myself to Jordan not being around as much as I want him to.
I get into a daily routine of doing my exercises to help my shoulders. Jordan came over the second day and helped me with them all. On the fifth day, a Friday, he tells me that he is going back to London on the Sunday evening as he has meetings on the Monday. I start crying because I know I will miss him. He has been my rock.
He comes over before he leaves. "Cassie I'll be back in a couple of days as I just have a few meetings to go to." I can see he doesn't really want to go, but it doesn’t make me feel any better.
"I know you shouldn't put your life on hold for me Jordan. I know you have a life in London, you don't need to rush back for me." That was the hardest thing I've ever said and I just want to cry, but I keep strong and try to hide it from him.
"Cassie come on, I've been here every day for the last two weeks. I have some commitments that I have to keep; but I promise I'll be back as soon as I can. I don't want to leave you. I just have to," he says.
He walks over and goes to kiss me on the cheek; but I turn my head at the last minute and he ends up kissing me on the lips. When he realises what I did he doesn't pull away straight away, but I feel his kiss getting softer. When he does eventually pull away he looks me in the eyes and says, "soul mates remember!" He walks away and out the front door.
I feel really sad but I get up and walk into the kitchen. "Dinner smells nice Mum. What are we having?" I ask.
"Corned beef hash and it will be ready in five minutes. Can you lay the table for me, please?"
We sit down and eat dinner, then I tell Mum and Dad that I'm tired and want to go to bed. "Make sure you take your sleeping tablet Cassie and don't forget you've got your meeting with Joyce tomorrow. She's coming here at ten o’clock in the morning."
"Ok, I'm going to go upstairs and read for a while. I haven't read in ages." I kiss them both on the cheek and say good night. When I get undressed and get into bed I take out my book and start reading, but I just can't concentrate so I take out my mobile phone and text Jordan.
“Hey did you make it back to London ok?”
“Hey babe. Yeah I got back to my flat about an hour ago. It was cold in here and didn't feel welcoming at all. How are you?”
“I'm good. I'm in bed trying to read but I can't concentrate. I've taken my sleeping tablet, so I guess I'll be asleep soon. I just wanted to say thank you for everything you've done and for being here for me. It has really helped me. Thanks Jordan x”
“I've told you before, I'm here for you whenever and wherever just remember that. Now you go and have a good nights sleep and make sure you ring me after Joyce has been ok. Thinking about you x”
“I will. Thanks night night x”
“Don't let the bed bugs bite xx”
I laugh as he always used to say that when we were saying goodbye. I can feel my eyes getting heavy and I drift off into sleep.
The next morning I wake up, have breakfast and then wait for Jo
yce to come to the house. She asks me how I'm feeling and we talk for an hour about nothing in particular, I think she is easing me into this counseling thing. She asks me to take a walk with her. I know it's just to get me out in the fresh air, but I start getting panicky. I keep looking around me to see if he is there. Every little noise makes me jump and squeal a little, so we only walk to the end of the road and back.
She's says she will see me next week and I ring Jordan to let him know how it went.
“When I come down on Friday I will take you for a short walk,” he says.
“I look forward to it. See you Friday, Jordan.”
“Take care, Cassie.” He hangs up.
I'm a little bit sad that I have to wait five days to see him, but I understand he has to work. My days become a routine of breakfast, read, lunch, a short walk, dinner, read and bed. Nothing exciting, but it's enough for now.
I wake up on Friday and feel a little bit excited that Jordan will be coming back today. I can't wait. After breakfast I go upstairs to get ready and put on some nice clothes instead of just my tracksuit. I want to make an effort today, he said we will go for a walk, so I want to try and look nice. My phone rings at lunchtime and I see it is him calling me. I smile and pick up the phone.
“Hey Cassie, how are you today?”
“I’m good today, I want to try and go a little bit further on my walk today. When will you be arriving? Will I wait for you or will I just go with Mum?”
“I’m really sorry babe, but I won’t be able to come down until Monday. I’m sorry.”
I can feel the tears coming to my eyes, but I clear my throat and say “That’s ok, I know you have other things to do. I can’t monopolise all your time.”
“I really am sorry Cassie.”
“That’s ok, I’ll see you on Monday some time.”
I hang up the phone because I don’t think I can say anything else to him.
I tell him it's ok, but it's not. I’ve come to rely on him and I miss him. After lunch I tell Mum and Dad that I want to go for a walk and I head out to go to my own house.
I'm tentative when I open the door, but when I walk in I immediately feel at home. I put the heat on, to take the chill off, and drag my armchair over to the patio doors and curl up with a book and my blanket. This is heaven, this is what I need.
Time must have skipped past me as my phone starts ringing at about six o’clock. "Where are you Cassie?" my Mum asks me.
"I'm at my house reading and looking out the window" I reply. "Do you want to bring dinner down here tonight? The view is beautiful this evening."
"Yeah that’s a great idea, I will. See you in ten minutes," Mum says and I can hear she is worried.
When they arrive, Mum gets the food out and sets it on my dining table. I have to literally drag myself over to the table. I just feel so tired. We eat dinner in silence.
"Mum, Dad, I want to move back in here. I feel that I need to do it sooner rather than later. I want to have my own routines and start getting my life back on track. I have a few decisions I need to make and I need to really think about them. I believe that I will be able to think more if I am here in my own house," I say. I find it hard to look them in the eye. They have done so much for me and I know that they will worry about me.
"If that's what you want Cassie, but I'm not overly happy about it," Mum says standing up from the table. She starts clearing the dishes, making more noise than is necessary.
"Mum, I can't stay at your house forever. I'll never recuperate that way. I need to be more independent or I will end up relying on you and dad all the time. I think I’m going to start by staying here tonight and see how I get on." I hate saying it to her, but it's the truth and she knows it.
"Ok, if it’s what you want, but I want you to check in with me all the time. I will be checking up on you, baby girl." She kisses me on the forehead. “I can’t just let you go that easily.” She smiles at me and then she hugs me. We talk for a few more minutes and then her and Dad leave.
I sit there and wonder what I have done. Why did I decide to do this tonight? I know that I need to be on my own, I am always going to be on my own now that Chad is gone. I have a lot to think about and I need to be on my own to do it. I need to make the right decisions for me!
“Let Me Go”
I wake myself up screaming. It scares me stupid, my mind works overtime and believes that someone else is screaming and that’s what woke me. It takes me a few minutes of heavy breathing and fast heart beats to realise that it was me who was screaming. It takes me a couple more minutes to realise that I forgot to take my sleeping tablet last night.
I can’t believe the first night I am on my own I forget to take them and that the nightmares come screaming back. I lay in bed with my heart racing, I know I wasn’t really ready to be on my own, and I need time to digest everything that has happened to me. The biggest decision that I need to think about is whether or not I want to go back to work in New York? I know Mum and Dad will find it even harder if I did, especially with everything that has happened, but I love my job and I’m not sure I’m ready to leave it. I need to think about what is the best thing for me to do.
I get up and make myself a cup of coffee seeing as I can’t sleep anyway. I grab a blanket and go to the comfy armchair, which is next to the patio doors. I curl up with my blanket wrapped around me; my hands are wrapped around my coffee cup and I look out the window. I smile, this is my new favourite place. I can see the moon just above the horizon on the sea and everything looks so peaceful and calm out there.
For a split second I believe that I am calm, that everything is alright, that I am alright. But it is only for a second and then I wish I could forget. I hate that this has happened to me. I was a strong and independent person until David came into my life and damaged me and by doing that he destroyed my confidence. I sit there for about three hours just looking out into the dark and just thinking about everything.
Mum rings me at half eight in the morning to check on me and make sure I slept ok. I don’t want to tell her that I forgot to take the sleeping tablet because she will only say that I should still be staying with them. I don’t want her to think that I can’t cope on my own.
“Hi Mum, yeah I slept well. I’ve got a lot of thinking to do, so I won’t be over today. I’ll make myself dinner and then I’ll come over to you tomorrow for dinner if that’s ok?” I say hoping she won’t mind.
“Ok baby girl, I’m not happy about it, but I suppose you are old enough to look after yourself. I’ll ring and check up on you later. I need to do that for my own peace of mind,” she says sounding worried.
“Yes that’s fine. I think Bonnie might pop in later for a cuppa, so I won’t be on my own all day. I really have lots of decisions to make,” I say hoping she believes me.
“Ok, then we will see you tomorrow for dinner. Ask Bonnie and Jezza if they want to come over too.” I can hear in her voice she is smiling.
We say our goodbyes and I make a cup of coffee and go back to my seat by the patio doors.
So, the first thing I need to think about is work. Do I want to go back into the publishing world? It’s very cut throat and I’m not sure I want that anymore. I don’t feel confident enough to be in crowds at the moment. I hope that will change, but at the moment I don’t feel like I can do it. It’s nearly time for me to go back to New York and back to work. I haven’t told Claudia about what happened, I am supposed to be taking time off so she doesn’t really need to know, does she?
I think I’ll have to hand in my notice. I know Claudia will be upset; I have been working with her since I first went over to San Francisco. She has been like a surrogate mother to me.
I would love to write my own book, so maybe I need to start making some notes and seeing whether I can become a writer. I have worked in the publishing side of things for all these years; I should know what makes a book and what doesn’t. I smile to myself; thinking about this has just made me feel lighter already.
>
I am glad that I have come to a decision about work, all I have to do now is set the ball rolling. I will ring Claudia on Monday to tell her my plans; maybe I can freelance for a bit. I am sure I can work from here for a while until they find someone, I have internet access and everything. I can always start making inroads in writing my own book. I'm not sure how Mum and Dad will take it, although I think they will be pleased that I will be closer to them and not across the Atlantic.
Saturday passes by with me not talking to anyone or answering my texts. I feel detached from my life and just sit staring out the windows and sleeping. The only person I do talk to is Mum and I'm sure I'm not fooling her either.
It's very difficult to explain why I feel this way when I don't know myself. I feel like I did in the hospital, when I was floating above the bed and could see everyone. That's how I feel now. I don't feel like me. I start thinking about what happened with David and all of a sudden I have to run to the toilet to vomit. I don't think I've allowed myself to think about it properly, until now. Now I know why Mum didn't want me to be on my own.
I feel damaged beyond repair, no one is going to want to be my friend. Why would they? They'll only feel that they'll have to walk on eggshells around me. Maybe I should go back to the States and write, then at least there won't be any reminders. No one needs to know back there, I can carry on with my life as if nothing ever happened.
Although, if I’m honest with myself, can I ever really make myself think that? I don’t want to look into their faces and see what they are thinking about me. How they all feel sorry for me. How they believe I need help all the time.
Why does Jordan even want to help me? I haven't spoken to him for years and then when we finally get to meet each other again, it's when I am at my most vulnerable. Why would he want to know someone who is weak?
Do they all think it's my fault? Did I lead him on? I realise that I'm sobbing hysterically and I can't stop. I don't know how long I’ve been sitting here, but I must have cried myself to sleep because when I wake up I'm still in the same seat and it’s getting dark. I haven't eaten anything, because I think I might vomit again. I can't bring myself to stand up and walk to the kitchen.
