Max: Sorry about that, Operator. But this is an emergency.
Operator: Oh, is that you, Maxie? How’s our shoe?
Max: Your shoe is fine, Operator. Now look, I want to contact a helicopter. I know the helicopter doesn’t have a telephone, but it does have a radio. So, if you could connect my telephone to the helicopter’s radio, then I and the pilot could converse.
Operator: You’re a real nut, aren’t you, Maxie?
Max: Operator, would you mind? This is an emergency. The guards are hammering on the door.
Operator: Okay, Maxie, I’ll try it. I can’t do anything else ’til my nails dry, anyway. Where is this helicopter?
Max (pointing); Right over there behind that sand dune.
Operator: Could you get a little more clear, Maxie. Like name the desert, maybe?
Max: Sahara. And please hurry, Operator.
Operator: That’s all the way across the ocean. It’ll take time. Radio signals don’t move so fast when they have to swim, you know.
Max: Operator, please!
(crackling sounds)
Lance Chalfont: Lance Chalfont, silent birdman, here.
Max: Lance, this is Max Smart!
Lance Chalfont: No kiddin’. How’d you get inside that itty-bitty radio, Max?
Max: Now, listen carefully, Lance. I am not inside the radio. I am on the roof of the KAOS Science Laboratory. 99 and I are trapped out here. We want you to rescue us.
Lance Chalfont: Well, I’ll try, Max. How do I get there? Is there some kind of a ladder?
Max: No, but there’s a stair. You take the corridor to- No, Lance, what I mean is, I want you to use the helicopter to rescue us.
Lance Chalfont: Max, you know how big this helicopter is. I couldn’t get it up no stairs.
Max: Think, Lance. What does a helicopter do? It flies, right? I want you to fly the helicopter to the roof, pick us up, then fly away. Got that?
Lance Chalfont: Nobody don’t have to draw no pictures for Lance Chalfont. I’ll be there in a jiffy, Max.
(crackling sounds)
Operator: How did I do, Maxie?
Max: Excellent, Operator. If we escape, it will be your doing.
Operator: Then do a little favor for me, Maxie, will you? Don’t get sand in our shoe.
Max: I promise, Operator.
Max hung up.
“Max, the guards are breaking down the wall,” 99 said. “Where is the helicopter?”
“Well, according to my calculations, the heli-”
There was a roaring sound overhead.
“-copter ought to be arriving right now.”
“Max! The wall!”
As the wall gave way and a flood of guards poured onto the roof, the helicopter settled down beside Max and 99.
Max and 99 scrambled aboard. There was the sound of a volley of shots. Bullets pinged by their ears.
“Upward and onward!” Max cried.
The helicopter zoomed heavenward. A moment later it was safely out of range of the guards’ rifles.
“That was close!” Max breathed.
“Got the job done, though, eh?” Lance Chalfont said. “Planted that itty-bitty pea just like you was told to, right?”
“That we did,” Max smiled.
“Howja do it?” Lance Chalfont asked.
“Actually, it was very simple,” Max replied. “We-” He turned to 99. “How did we do it, 99?”
“Well, Max, you remember that necklace I presented to Dr. Yeh!?” 99 replied. “Did you notice anything familiar about it?”
“Familiar? No. Frankly, it wasn’t to my taste, though. It looked like a bunch of strung-together peas.”
“That’s it, Max. It was. I strung some pellets together, making a necklace of them.”
“Then-”
“Yes. Dr. Yeh! is wearing the explosives around his neck,” 99 said. “I imagine that as soon as he gets to his quarters, he’ll put the necklace in his jewel box, and… our pellets will be planted.”
Max turned back to Lance Chalfont. “See? I told you it was simple.”
“Max,” 99 said, “shouldn’t we check in with the Chief?”
“Right,” Max replied, removing his shoe and dialing.
Operator: One moment, please. I am ringing your helicopter.
Max: No, no, Operator. That emergency is over. I want to talk to the Chief, now.
Operator: One moment, please. I am ringing your Chief.
Chief: Control. Chief speaking.
Max: Chief, it’s me. I am happy to report that the first explosive has been planted. Anything new at Headquarters?
Chief: Only this, Max. The KAOS agent has also planted his first pellet. He was observed slipping away from our Science Lab. We’re making a search for the explosive, but we don’t have much hope of finding it.
Max: In other words, Chief, at this juncture, the race is a tie.
Chief: Yes, that’s the way it stands, Max. Haste is all important now. The fate of Control depends on it-and on you and 99, Max.
Max: We’re already speeding to the next KAOS installation, Chief. I’ll call you when I have something further to report.
Max hung up, then settled back in his seat. “I told the Chief that we’re speeding to our next destination,” he said to 99.
She nodded. “I heard you.”
“I heard that, too,” Lance Chalfont said. “Kinda confused me.”
“Oh? How so?” Max asked.
“Me and the helicopter, we’re just flyin’ around in circles,” Lance Chalfont replied. “Ain’t nobody told us where to go.”
“Tell him where to go, Max,” 99 said.
“For the sake of pleasant relations, I think, instead, I’ll just give him our next destination,” Max replied, opening the satchel and getting out a fact sheet. He studied the paper a moment, then said, “Head straight for the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, Lance. Our next destination is KAOS’s undersea weapons arsenal.”
“Which way’s that?” Lance Chalfont asked.
Max pointed. “Thataway.”
As the helicopter sped over the water, Max and 99 studied the fact sheet on the KAOS weapons arsenal. “This will be a tough one,” Max said. “The arsenal is commanded by the infamous Dr. Gill.”
“Haven’t I heard that name before?” 99 frowned.
“Yes, it’s infamous,” Max replied. “Dr. Gill, you know, is half man and half fish.”
“Which half is which?” 99 asked.
Max thought for a second. “The upper half must be a fish,” he replied. “It doesn’t say anything in the fact sheet about him having a tail. What he has done, you see, over a period of years, is conditioned himself to living under water. His lungs act as a storage tank for fresh air, allowing him to breathe without the assistance of an auxiliary air supply.”
“What’s that mean?” Lance Chalfont asked.
“He can breathe under water,” Max replied.
“Shucks, I can do that, too,” Lance Chalfont said. “Only trouble is, when I try it, I durn near drown.”
“That’s the difference,” Max pointed out. “Dr. Gill doesn’t drown.”
“Sakes alive!” Lance Chalfont said. “He must be half fish and half man.”
“But we’re not,” 99 said to Max. “How will we get inside the installation?”
“Headquarters has undoubtedly considered that,” Max replied. He opened the black satchel and began rummaging through it. “We will probably find equipment in here that will- Ah, yes!” He brought out two small packages. “Here we are. These packages are labeled ‘Diving Gear.’ ”
Max and 99 opened the packages.
“Here’s a wet suit,” Max said, “and here’s a- A clothespin?”
“You put that on your nose, so you can keep your hands free,” 99 said. “It explains that in the instructions.”
“Well, it’s probably not the latest thing, but it’ll have to do,” Max said.
“Thar she blows!” Lance Chalfont shouted.
&
nbsp; “What?”
“The middle of the ocean,” Lance Chalfont replied, pointing.
Max and 99 looked out the window.
“Where?” 99 asked.
“Right there,” Max answered. “Right where that X is. See it?”
“Oh… yes.”
Max and 99 slipped into their wet suits and pinned the clothespins to their noses. Then the helicopter descended until it was hovering over the X.
“I’ll be waitin’ right here,” Lance Chalfont said, “keepin’ my meter runnin’. That’s a little silent birdman joke.”
“We know,” Max nodded. He turned to 99. “Ready?”
“Ready, Max.”
“Close your eyes,” Max said. Then, to Lance Chalfont, he called out, “Now!”
Lance Chalfont tipped the helicopter and Max and 99 tumbled out the open doorway.
A second later, they hit the water, then bobbed to the surface. After taking in a deep breath, they dived. And seconds after that they reached the installation’s exhaust outlet and crawled through it, reaching the inside, where fresh air was available again.
Max and 99 exhaled, then inhaled, taking in deep breaths.
“Safe!” 99 sighed.
“Doomed!” an unfamiliar voice boomed.
Max and 99 peered through the dimness of the compartment. In the doorway they saw a large figure. Then the figure moved, approaching them. It was a small man, who had cast a large shadow. He, too, was wearing a wet suit. He was smiling sinisterly. Otherwise, he looked completely normal, except that his ears appeared not to be ears, but gills.
“Dr. Gill, I presume,” Max said.
“Very good, for a wild guess,” Dr. Gill replied.
“Let me introduce myself,” Max said. “I am-”
“I know. You are Max Smart. And your companion is Agent 99. I recognized you the instant I saw you. I study the ‘Wanted’ posters sent out by KAOS. After all, there’s not much else to do down here.”
“Fine,” Max said. “Now that that’s settled, we can get down to business. And the first item on the agenda is a comment you made when we first entered your arsenal. ‘Doomed’ you said, I believe. Was there any particular significance to that statement?”
Dr. Gill smiled sinisterly again. “You are my prisoners,” he replied. “And, in time, after I have toyed with you, I intend-naturally-to destroy you.”
“All right, that explains the comment,” Max said. “Now then, item number two. How do you intend to keep us prisoner? Do you have a band of armed cutthroats to guard us?”
“You will see,” Dr. Gill replied, “that the whole installation, in a sense, is a cell. There is no need for guards. In fact, I am quite alone down here. At least, I was until you arrived.”
“I see,” Max nodded. “Then what is to stop me from hurling myself across the room at you, delivering a karate chop to a sensitive area of your person, rendering you unconscious, binding you, gagging you, then taking you back to Control with me as a prisoner?”
“Your distaste for violence?” Dr. Gill guessed.
Max shook his head. “As much as I dislike violence, I never hesitate to use it when it appears to be the simplest means of making a point.”
“Then perhaps this will stop you,” Dr. Gill smiled, showing Max and 99 a tiny pillbox-size gadget that he held in his hand.
“That’s hard to believe,” Max replied.
“Then I will demonstrate,” Dr. Gill said. Holding up the gadget, he pressed a button on its side.
Nothing appeared to happen.
“Maybe the batteries are low,” Max smiled.
But suddenly 99 clutched her throat. “Max! Air!”
Max responded immediately. He clutched his own throat. “99! Air!”
“Now, you understand,” Dr. Gill said. “I shut off the air supply, which is controlled by this gadget. I am unaffected, however, as you can see. I have a store of air in my lungs that will last me almost indefinitely.”
“I believe!” Max choked.
Dr. Gill pressed the button again. And a moment later Max and 99 were able to breathe once more.
“Is it clear now that you are my prisoners?” Dr. Gill said. “If you make any attempt at violence, or to escape, I will simply press the button, and you will suffocate in seconds.”
“Yes, well, that seems pretty clear,” Max replied. “But it does bring up a question. Why didn’t you destroy us just then?”
Dr. Gill sighed sadly. “The truth is, Max, I am a lonely fish.. uh, that is, man. I long for companionship. None of the KAOS agents will stay down here with me. I’m not good company, they say.”
“Oh… why is that?” Max asked.
Dr. Gill grinned evilly. “I keep shutting off the air supply,” he explained. “It’s a nervous habit.”
“If they were really your friends they would overlook little things like that,” Max said. “I know if you were a Control agent and you invited me to stay down here with you for a while, I certainly wouldn’t crab about a minor inconvenience. Incidentally, have you ever thought of switching your allegiance to Control-where you’d be among true friends?”
“It’s too late,” Dr. Gill replied. “I’m in too deep.”
“I see what you mean,” Max replied.
“Now,” Dr. Gill said, gesturing toward the doorway, “shall we have lunch? And enjoy a little polite conversation?”
“Is there any other choice?” Max asked.
Dr. Gill pressed the button on the gadget.
“Max! Air!” 99 cried.
“99! Air!” Max choked.
Dr. Gill pressed the button again. “Never question my suggestions,” he warned. “It irritates my nervous habit.”
“We’ll try to remember that,” Max panted.
5
Dr. Gill led the way out of the compartment. Max and 99 followed him at a short distance.
“Look for a place to plant the explosive,” Max whispered.
“There isn’t any place, Max! These steel walls and this steel floor and this steel ceiling, and no furnishings. He lives like a hermit.”
“Yes, the old crab.”
A few moments later, Dr. Gill ushered them into his kitchen. It was adequately furnished, but, at first glance, there didn’t appear to be a hiding place for the pellet.
“Please be seated,” Dr. Gill said, gesturing toward the table and chairs. “I’ll prepare lunch. Is there, by any chance, anything special you’d like?”
“How about lobster?” Max suggested.
Dr. Gill stiffened and looked at him coldly. “You’re suggesting cannibalism, Mr. Smart!” he snapped. “The lobster is one of my own kind!”
“Sorry about that,” Max replied meekly. “We’ll eat anything you prepare.”
“Good, good. I picked some fresh seaweed this morning,” Dr. Gill said. “It grows wild down here, you know.”
“I don’t blame it,” Max replied. “Trapped in the ocean, I’d probably grow a little wild myself.”
Dr. Gill reached for the gadget he had placed on the counter.
“Ah-ah! Nothing personal!” Max said quickly.
“Careful,” Dr. Gill warned. “I don’t want to have to destroy you at table. It would spoil my lunch.”
“And what kind of a guest would that make me!” Max said.
Dr. Gill brought plates to the table, then returned to the counter. A moment later he came back with a pot. He dipped seaweed from it, using a three-pronged fork, and dropped large portions onto the plates.
“Ah… I think you overlooked something,” Max said. “It’s raw.”
Dr. Gill laughed. “Who ever heard of cooking seaweed? It would ruin it.”
“Oh. Well then, if you’ll just give me a fork, I’ll dig right in.”
“Fork!” Dr. Gill glared. “You don’t fork seaweed! You approach it lying flat on your tummy, flap your fins, and nibble at it! Where did you learn your table manners?”
After lunch, Dr. Gill took Max and 99 on a tour of the installa
tion. First he showed them the ventilating system.
“I pump in air from the surface through this pipe,” he explained. “The air then passes through this bubble bath.”
Max and 99 stared at the glass tank, in which bubbles were bobbing around, obviously circulated by a flow of air.
“Bubble bath?” 99 said curiously.
“To purify the air,” Dr. Gill explained. “You can’t imagine how dirty the air is on the surface. Ships use it, birds use it, helicopters use it. It’s full of fumes. Gasoline fumes, atom fumes, feather fumes. Ugh!”
“What happens to the air after it’s purified?” Max asked.
“Aren’t you going to ask me what kind of bubbles those are?” Dr. Gill countered.
“No. I can see. They’re soap bubbles.”
Dr. Gill shook his head, smiling. “They’re plastic bubbles,” he said. “Scientifically, I’m far ahead of the outside world. Outside, they’re still using old-fashioned soap to make bubbles. I’ve already switched to plastic.”
“Very interesting,” Max admitted. “Now, where does the air go after it has been purified by the plastic bubbles?”
“It comes out here,” Dr. Gill replied, showing Max and 99 a pipe-like outlet. “It circulates through the installation, then is rejected through the exhaust system.”
“Well, fine,” Max nodded. “Now what?”
“My laboratory,” Dr. Gill said, leading them on. “Believe it or not, I am growing a new variety of plants down here. I foresee the day when everybody will live under the seas. And I realize that not all of them will have a taste for seaweed. So…”
He opened a door and ushered them into a large room that looked much like a greenhouse. Plants, in shallow wooden boxes, were growing everywhere.
Dr. Gill escorted them down the rows. “These are my sea cabbages.. these are my sea carrots… these are my sea spinaches… these are my sea peas… these are my sea-”
“Just a second,” Max interrupted, reaching into the satchel. “I think one of your sea peas dropped on the floor.”
Dr. Gill looked down. “I don’t see it.”
“Right here,” Max said, reaching down, then rising, holding a pea-like pellet between his fingers.
Dr. Gill took the pea from him. “Case of weak stem,” he frowned. “I’ll have to look into that.”
Max Smart and the Perilous Pellets gs-4 Page 5
