by Silla Webb
“I’m glad that you’re happy in life, and I’m thrilled that you’re doing what you love. But Carly, I need answers. Why did you run? So Colton broke up with you, and Daddy didn’t give in to you for once, is that really any reason to bolt? Just up and say ‘screw everyone I’m done’.” She emphasizes with her air quotes.
I’m exhausted, and as much as I was looking forward to our sisterly bonding, this ambush is certainly not what I had expected. So as usual, it’s fight or flight! This time, I chose fight. Daddy is sick, and he needs me.
“Sis, I know you want more answers, but now is not the time to push. Stop with the mother role and just be glad I’m here now. I am mentally and physically exhausted. If you want to sit and catch up, we can do that. If not, I’m going to bed, and will be sure to check into a hotel tomorrow for the remainder of my stay if you can’t respect what I’m asking. I’m here for Daddy. After he’s gone, I’m gone.”
I push to my feet to stalk off to the guest room, because knowing Savannah, she won’t stop. She’ll push until I break. I can tell my words sting her, as she wrings her hands together, her cheeks red with heat. She takes a deep breath, calming herself, trying to find the right words before continuing our spat.
“Okay, you’re still a stubborn smart ass, just like Daddy as usual. I won’t push any more. But Carly, I’m here for you. These last seven years, without you around have been hell. We’ve missed you so much. I wasn’t there for you when you ran away from us all, but let me be here now.”
She walks over and wraps her arms around me, giving me a tight squeeze before holding me out at arm’s length to look me over. “I’ll tell ya what, let me go get some family photos for us to look through, and we can catch up that way, yeah?” She nods, willing me to reply.
“Sure Sis, that sounds nice.”
She squeals, and jumps up, racing up the stairs. I lay my head back on the couch, and before I can exhale, she is back, tossing countless large bound albums on my lap. Grabbing one, she opens it up and starts telling me the story of her very own little family.
Savannah met Josh while she was in college. She was interning in the ER of the UK Medical Center, when Josh came in. He had been injured in a roof collapse at the mines he worked at. They fell in love almost instantly, she claims. He has since left underground work, and now works in coal sales, which keeps him away from home a lot. I can sense that she hates his job, but she tells me it gives her the opportunity to stay at home with the twins. Being a mom means so much to her, and she enjoys being there for all of the special memories the twins are creating every day.
We sit for hours, looking through hundreds of pictures of her and Josh, their wedding, the honeymoon, then the sweet baby pictures of her twin terrors Brailee and Braden. Savannah makes sure to not leave out a single detail either. I’m pretty sure she has never thrown away one single thing of the twins’ since birth. Heck, she even had their umbilical cords and first pacifiers. I can’t help but laugh at the mother she has become. But she takes pride in the love she showers her children with, a love we were neglected of as kids. Guilt pangs me, as I think of my little one that I lost so many years ago, and I can’t help but wonder, what kind of Momma would I have been?
Finally around three a.m., we put away the photo albums and stagger off to bed. After a long day of travel, and an emotional reunion, I am completely busted. I climb into the guestroom bed, and stretch my limbs into relaxation. I pull the heavy down comforter tightly around my face, and snuggle deep into the pillow. It has been forever since I’ve slept in a bed other than my own, but before I know it, I drift into a peaceful slumber.
Chapter 3
As promised, I am back at the hospital bright and early the next morning to spend the day with Daddy. Savannah has a school trip to attend with the twins’ class, so this was the perfect chance for Daddy and me to have some real quality time with one another. I’m a Nervous Nelly, because I know he has as many questions as Savannah did. No, more.
I stop by the hospital café, to get some orange juice and donuts for Daddy and me to share. He refuses to eat the mess they call food here in the hospital. Savannah tells me that he basically lives off of Ensure and Orange Juice. Most foods turn his stomach too much anymore, but donuts were always his favorite snack. If anything, it will be a sweet gesture.
I get to Daddy’s room just as his team of doctors are making their rounds. They perform the usual glance and nod of his file, check his vitals, ask how he is feeling, if he has any questions. Then they are on their way back out the door.
I can tell instantly that Daddy is weaker than yesterday evening when I visited him, so as the doctors leave the room, I follow. “Excuse me, doctor?” Not sure which doctor I should be approaching, I speak to the small group as a whole. The oldest of the five turns on his heels, and focuses his attention directly on me.
“Yes ma’am, I don’t believe we have met. My name is Dr. Michael Hatfield, I’m the director of Oncology here at Williamstown Cancer Center, and the lead specialist treating Mr. Simon. And you would be?”
“Carolina Simon, I’m John’s youngest daughter. I’ve only recently found out about my daddy’s illness and I have several questions for you, if you don’t mind?”
“Yes, Ms. Simon. Let’s have a coffee together in the Family Conference Room. It’s just down the hall to your left. I will be in shortly, I just need to finish the last of my rounds.” Dr. Hatfield states before turning back to his colleagues.
I find the Family Conference Room with ease, and help myself to a cup of coffee. Dr. Hatfield catches up with me quickly and begins to fill me in on Daddy’s prognosis.
Apparently, Daddy has an aggressive lung cancer-Small Cell Carcinoma. The doctor says that they have treated the cancer to full extent, and it is only a matter of time before his lungs will fully collapse, because the cancer has completely consumed his frail body. In his professional opinion, Daddy will be lucky to live a few more days. He assures me that his staff is doing all they can to ensure Daddy is comfortable in his final days.
Fighting back the tears that threaten to stain my cheeks, I shake Dr. Hatfield’s hand, thanking him for his time. I leave the conference room in search of a restroom, so I can calm myself before going in to visit Daddy.
He’s weak enough, and he doesn’t need to worry over my heartache. I want our time together to be special, and memorable. When
I get back to Daddy’s bedside, I see that he has already helped himself to a couple donuts, and drank all of his orange juice. “Good morning, Daddy, you didn’t give them nurses a hard time last night, did ya?” I kid him.
“Nah now, princess, you know me. If I like ya, I’m gonna give ya a hard time! It’s all in good fun. The donuts you brought were tasty. Thanks, Princess.” He says with a wink.
I lean in, giving him a warm hug. Sitting down in the small leather recliner, I prop my feet up. My emotions are rampant, and I’m not quite sure where to pick up. We have only made amends, but a seven year gap strains even the closest bonds. Twisting my foot back and forth at the foot of the recliner, Daddy senses my nerves. I’m sure our brief silence has annoyed him, as much as it has me.
“Carolina Jo, if you have something on your mind, out with it already. Time ain’t on our side, Princess. No need in keepin’ things bottled up any longer. You’re here, finally. Now let’s lay all the cards on the table. What’s on your mind?” Daddy says, and I can hear the anguish in his weak voice.
Shifting in my seat, I take a deep breath, trying to consider what it is I truly want to know. I have several thoughts in mind, but first things first.
“Why didn’t you come after me?” I can feel the heat crawl up my neck, flush against my skin, suffocating me slowly. We both have so many questions, and not enough time to get the answers. Daddy reclines his bed, to get a better look at me. He begins to pull his oxygen mask off, but I shake my head at him, so he leaves it tight on his face, so he can breathe easier.
“Princess, ain’t you learn
ed by now that your old man is a stubborn ass? Carly Jo, for forty years, I worked countless hours buildin’ a small empire, establishin’ the Simon name in the coal industry. I always dreamed that Simon Coal, Incorporated would be a company to surpass generations of Simon’s. I always took pride in my company, but I also put that damn company before my girls in too many instances, and that, is the second biggest regret I will die with. The first, is not comin’ to find you when you left my office that day. I figured, you stormed off to Florida to spend some time with your momma, and eventually you would come home. But after you had been gone a couple months, and none of us had heard from you, I knew not only were you hurt, but you were pissed, and once you were pissed, there would be no changin’ your mind. Hell you are a stubborn ass Simon!” He chuckles, “But Princess, I can never make any of the mistakes right. What’s done, is done. Hell, karma is a bitch. Look at me now. I gave forty years of my life to that damn mines, and look what it gave me in return, damn cancer. You, have always been one of the biggest joys in my life, and I turned my back on you, when you needed me most. I can never forgive myself for that, Carly Jo. Never.”
He wipes his face with the back of his hand, taking a deep breath to suppress his overwhelmed emotion. I grasp his hand, and give it a light squeeze. “Daddy, it’s ok.”
“No, Carly Jo, you don’t understand,” he says through his strained, garbled voice. I can tell he is distressed, and I know he needs to calm down.
“Daddy, maybe you should rest. You don’t need to get yourself upset.”
“Carly Jo, I need to get this off my chest, so please just shut the hell up and listen to your old man.”
Knowing he means business, I sit back in the chair and watch him as he calm’s himself. I’m terrified, as I am not sure what he wants to talk about. It’s hard to tell, really. Daddy always was a personal man. He takes pride in his work, and always keeps his business to himself. I often wonder if that is what caused my momma to leave when I was a kid.
He pulls the oxygen mask down his face, and before I can even argue with him, he shakes his head with a stern look in his weak eyes. “Carly Jo, I ain’t gonna go into specifics with you. But I’ve done some evil things in my life. I was sure that one day, it would all come back to bite me in the ass, and I think this cancer is karma’s way of dealin’ with me. I wasn’t the best husband to Elizabeth, so she left me when things were too much for her to deal with. I wasn’t the best daddy, I ran you off when you were just seventeen, and that was something I could’ve prevented. I always tried to run Simon Energy the right way, but years ago, back before you were born, things happened. Things beyond my control. Things I’m not proud of. I have a shit load of buried secrets Carly, and I pray that none of them ever stain yours or Savannah’s lives.”
Daddy covers his face again with his oxygen mask, and I can tell this is all too much for him, as tears run down his sunken cheeks.
“Shh, it’s okay, Daddy. We both made mistakes. Don’t get yourself all worked up over things neither of us can change. Lie back, and try to rest some. I think you’ve had enough stress for the day, and you're already weak enough.”
I kiss the back of his hand, then stand to pull the blanket up over his frail body. I kiss him lightly on the cheek, and as I pull away, he tightens his grip on my hand and whispers,
“Carly Jo, please forgive me, so I can rest.” That one simple command shatters my heart into a million, tiny shards. In that moment, I know that Daddy is ready to give up the battle. He just needs my forgiveness to do so. I smile that smile he loves, laying my cheek to his cheek and whisper softly,
“Daddy, I forgave you the moment I walked through that door. I’ll always be your baby girl. I don’t want to let you go, but I know you’re suffering. It’s okay, Daddy, rest.”
Looking up at me, Daddy smiles, and says, “I love you, Princess.”
I hug him tight, and say, “I love you too, Daddy.”
Daddy drifts off to sleep peacefully. He sleeps for the better part of the day, only stirring on occasions when the monitors go off, alarming that his vitals are slowing down. I know that he is dying, I just wish the suffering would end.
Daddy’s battle with cancer, has been hard on him mentally and physically. He always loved being at the mines, and for the last month, he has laid in this hospital bed, day after day, looking at the four walls around him, instead of heaps of coal. I don’t understand what Daddy means by his ‘buried secrets’, but then again, he was always personal, and never talked much about anything. Has he been that bad of a man in his life that he truly deserved to suffer like this? I highly doubt that. But if his secrets are bad enough to upset him like they did earlier, I pray he takes his secrets to the grave.
Around six p.m., Daddy seems to be resting well, so I kiss his forehead, and slip out of the room quietly. I text Savannah once I get in the hallway to let her know I’m on my way back to her house. She replies quickly that dinner will be ready when I get there. Dinner sounds nice. I’ve sat with Daddy all day long, worried that he may pass at any moment. Worried about all he had confessed to me. I had completely forgot about eating. I leave the hospital and make my way to Savannah’s.
I hear a phone ringing, waking me from a deep sleep. I turn over, open my eyes, and see the sun is beaming through the slits of the vinyl shades, dancing across the ceiling. Rubbing my eyes, I roll over and pick up my cell phone, but it’s silent. Must be the house phone. I hear my bedroom door squeak, as soft pitter patters pad the floor. A weight compresses against my bed, and I roll over to see Brailee sitting beside of me. Her cheeks are flush, and she looks scared.
“Brailee, baby, what’s wrong?” I ask.
“It’s Momma, Auntie Carly. She answered the phone, then just started crying. Come check on her please!” Brailee cries.
I jump from the bed, and run down the steps in search of Savannah. She is sitting in the kitchen floor with her knees in her chest, and her face in her palms, crying. Her body shakes uncontrollably as chest wracking sobs escape her. In that instant, I know what has her so heartbroken. I sit down beside of her, and pull her into my arms. Together, we sit in the middle of the kitchen floor and cry over the loss of our daddy.
Chapter 4
These last three days have been the hardest I have ever had to endure. Accepting condolences from hundreds of faces, most I didn’t recognize, was exhausting to say the least. I know people mean well, when they hug you and express their deepest sympathies, but right now, I just want to grieve with my family.
Daddy made sure all of his arrangements were taken care of so Savannah and I wouldn’t have the hardship of planning a funeral while we were grieving. During the memorial service, a few of Daddy’s friends and colleagues remark upon Daddy’s accomplishments and his life. As I sit on the front pew of the church, and listen to each man speak of my father, I think of the lasting impression he left upon my heart. Tears burst free, and roll down my cheeks. I cannot control my emotion, as my heart has a void that can never be filled. Brailee leans her head over against my chest, and wraps her tiny hand around mine. My heart breaks a little more, knowing that this sweet child is hurting too, but is trying to comfort me, the best she can. Smiling down at her, I wipe my face, and pull her into a tight embrace.
After the services, the church hosts a big dinner in honor of Daddy. My stomach is a twisted knot of nerves. Being among family and friends I hadn’t seen in years, I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I decide to take the twins outside to play in the church playground. They need to release some energy from being cooped up all day, and some fresh air may do me good.
It is a beautiful September day. The sun is shining bright, the sky a perfect shade of blue. The air fresh and crisp. I sit down on the steps of the church and watch as the twins play tag. I hear the church door close, then footsteps behind me. Assuming it is a visitor leaving, I keep my focus on the twins. Out of the corner of my eye I see long legs covered in loose denim.
“Carly Jo,” he sa
ys while squatting to sit beside of me. He stretches his legs to straighten his jeans. My face scrunches in shock, as he is the last person I expected to see here. I stare at him, not hiding the shock in my expression. I can feel the anxiety constrict in my chest, but I take a deep breath to fight it back.
His dark brown hair is faded tight against his scalp in the back, but thick and full on top, just enough to run your fingers through. His face is soft and delicate, but his chin is slightly scruffy, unshaven. Tanned skin stretches across his thick muscles, and I can see a peek of inked art on his right bicep. He peers back at me through dark as night, cold black eyes. Colton. Oh my, he is still sexy as hell!
I'm at a total loss for words. It’s been seven years since I've seen him, and suddenly, I'm terrified. He reads my expression, and smirks.
"Relax doll. I just wanted to see how you're dealin' with all this shit?" He says, swirling his finger in the air.
"I-I'm okay." I reply, stammering over my words. I stare forward, trying hard not to make eye contact. Placing his hand on my thigh, he lightly squeezes, then pats it.
“Big John was a good man, a tough son of a bitch, but a good man.” He chuckles lightly.
I roll my eyes, and let sarcasm roll off my lips. “Yeah, I’m sure he was just crazy about you.” Colton winces, like my words inflicted pain. He pulls his shoulders back tight, and looks into my hazel eyes.
"I know a lot has happened over the years, but when you're up to it, maybe we can get together and talk. How long will you be in town for?"
Closing my eyes, I inhale a deep breath, and shake my head. “Colton, we have nothing to discuss.”
Standing, he glares down at me through empty eyes. “Carly Jo, I ain’t gonna upset you anymore. You’ve had enough to deal with for one day. But you can bet your sweet ass, this conversation is long from bein’ over. I’ll see you later this week, before you leave.” He nods, then strides off carelessly down the steps, to his pickup truck. How can he think we have anything to talk about? He walked away from me. Is he delusional? I owe him nothing. Hopefully I can avoid him while I’m here, then once I go home, I’ll never have to face Colton Weston again.
