I was slowly but surely understanding what it meant to be in love. I’d been alone for far too long, the idea of sharing my life with another person had never come into the picture. Now, I couldn’t imagine being without him and the crazy part was I was getting the impression that he felt exactly the same way. Before, us being together seemed so wrong, but now it felt so natural.
After work, I changed into casual clothes and sat in the staff lounge waiting for Jessi. I had the chance to do something new, or I could have gone home and knitted, but I didn’t feel like it. It had been a while since Jessi and I had hung out.
“Laura! Were you waiting for me? You didn’t have to.”
I looked up to see Jessi just coming out of the kitchens. I smiled brightly at her, then waved enthusiastically, though considering how few people there were in the room, she’d have noticed me anyway. She just smiled at my antics.
“Just let me get changed first, all right?”
“Okay!”
I sat back and waited for her, watching as the other employees hurried and left for their homes. It reminded me of my curiosity before, about the living arrangements. I was pretty sure Jessi was the only one with that kind of luxury.
She was back minutes later, and I grabbed my things so we could leave together.
“Hey,” she said, arms open and leaning forward for a hug I received gladly. “What’s up? You’re looking happy.”
I bit my lip at the smile that wanted to come out.
“Forget about that. I wanted to ask if I could come up to your room tonight. It’s been so long since we’ve just talked, I wanted to catch up.”
She shrugged. “Of course, I could never say no to you.”
I followed her as she went to the staff elevator, and we both got in. I hung back as she pressed the button for her floor, and we rose up.
“Your floor is pretty high up,” I commented. “How did I not notice that before?”
“You probably just didn’t pay attention before,” she suggested.
I hummed without answering, but I knew that wasn’t it. It was because of Mason. Since I’d been going up to his room to meet him, it occurred to me how close Jessi’s floor was to his. I just never took stock before, because it didn’t matter to me before what floor her apartment was on.
We got out of the elevator and she led the way. She let us in with her keycard, and I slid off my shoes as I walked over to the couch and sat on it with my legs tucked under me, holding one of the pillows to my chest.
“Would you like to have something to eat now?” Jessi asked as she continued to the kitchenette. “I could whip something up for us right now if you’d like.”
“I’m fine for now,” I said hurriedly. “I just really wanted to catch up, it’s been a while and it feels as if we’re almost strangers these days rather than best friends.”
I didn’t mean to make her feel guilty, the fault wasn’t really hers, it was more mine.
“Okay,” she said, stopping. “That sounds good.”
She took off her coat and draped it over the back of the single seat, then joined me on the couch, sitting on the other end of it and eyeing me curiously.
“If we’re catching up, why don’t you tell me what has you so happy lately? Every time I see you now you’re always smiling, and you look more relaxed than I’ve ever seen you.”
That was probably because I felt the most relaxed I had in a while. I tried to erase the guilty expression on my face, but I wasn’t good at hiding my feelings. A trait I’d picked up from my Mom and could never erase. She used to tell me all the time it was in the genes and it must be, because I could never hide when I was happy and certainly not when I was down. I knew it was all because of Mason and the new relationship we had. I’d been doubtful in the beginning, but he was a thoughtful boyfriend, and every time he showed that side of himself I was on cloud nine.
There was a downside to all of it though. Because I knew I couldn’t continue to be so happy, and I was scared.
“I’d… rather talk about something else, actually,” I admitted. “Something… that’s a secret.”
She tilted her head a little, and I could tell I’d piqued her interest. I never really let on that I had secrets, whether or not she knew that I had them. I would have liked for us to talk about happier things first, but I knew better than to hold this off.
“What is it?” she asked with some trace of concern after I stayed quiet for too long.
“It’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a while, and I didn’t know how to exactly.” I bit my lip as my heart started beating faster. There was more on my mind than just Mason and our relationship, there was something I hadn’t even told him yet. I knew I would have too, and soon, but I’d put it off. I had to get it out to someone though, and right now, I wanted that person to be my best friend. “You see, before… when I was in college. I got ill… Jessi, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.”
Her eyes widened, and she looked like I’d just punched her right in the chest.
“What?” she choked out.
“That’s not the most important part,” I continued. “I went through surgery and treatments, and it was fine. But the thing is, Jess… when you’re a cancer survivor, it’s recommended that you keep going for hospital visits to have yourself checked out, in case the cancer comes back.”
She just kept blinking at me, looking so confused, and I hated that I was springing this on her out of the blue.
“So you went for a checkup recently?”
I nodded slowly. I’d done it one of the days Mason was busy. He didn’t know about my regular hospital visits because I’d been afraid of how he’d react. I couldn’t muster up the courage to tell him, but I was feeling scared, and I had a friend I felt I could confide in, unlike the last time. It was too scary to go through that sort of pain alone, darn it!
“I went for a check-up this week… my results didn’t come out clean as I’ve come to expect over the past few years.” I could feel my expression crumple, and I didn’t stop it. “There’s a new lump,” I explained. “It’s under my other arm, not the side I had to have operated on. They want me to go back soon for more tests.”
“Oh, Laura,” she whispered, leaning forward and pulling me into another hug as tears started dripping from my eyes.
I held onto her for a moment, because I needed her strength, feeling like I had none of my own at the moment. She rubbed soothing circles on my back, and I sniffled as I tried to hold back even more crying.
“How can I help you?” Jessi asked because she was a great friend like that.
“I don’t want to go back to the hospital alone,” I admitted. “The last time, I couldn’t stand to tell my friends. We were all in college, and I didn’t think it would be fair to burden any of them. But I don’t think I can do this on my own this time. I’m terrified. Please would you go to the hospital with me?”
“Of course,” she said immediately. “When?”
“Tomorrow.”
As I spat the word out, I felt guilty already for sharing this with her and not Mason. He should be the one I should be wanting to take me to the hospital and that I should be sharing my news with, but I didn’t want to. I couldn’t be completely dependent on him all the time. We had to have some space some of the time. It would be too unhealthy otherwise, and besides, he’d think of me as a burden. He treated me like a princess and I wanted him to keep thinking of me as one. Not this older woman that could possibly be sick. I couldn’t bear the look on his face if it was bad news.
“All right. I’ll take the day off for tomorrow. I’m sure they can deal without me for one day in the kitchen. You’ll stay tonight, and we’ll go whenever you want. For now, let me get us both something to eat.”
I didn’t stop her as she went this time because I was feeling hungry. I hadn’t been able to eat properly since I got the news, and now that I’d told someone, half that burden was suddenly gone. I could have just told Mason… but I didn’t thi
nk I was going to.
I lay back on the couch as Jessi cooked. Usually, we would do this sort of thing together, but now that I was seated down, I felt like I’d fall if I tried to get up. I’d been feeling a bit drained lately, getting tired quicker while I worked. Mason was still picking me up from my apartment on some mornings, and he’d been there today. The biggest reason I’d wanted to come up to Jessi’s place was that I wasn’t positive I could make it all the way home on foot, and Mason was busy. I could have taken a taxi, but then there were all those stairs in my building. It had been a nightmare just getting myself down this morning when my legs felt as if they could go out from under me at any moment.
There were other feelings, other sensations that felt familiar from before. When I started feeling it, I hadn’t thought much about it, putting it all down to all the sex I’d been having, and the work. But that doctor’s visit had told me everything I needed to know.
I’d left that place with my body trembling. I didn’t want to be ill again. As much as I’d tried to be happy after surviving it the first time if it was cancer again, I knew I’d fall apart. Why did it have to be right now, of all times, when I was so genuinely happy? There was no way I could be as brave, or as strong to just go through this alone a second time.
Which was why I was so glad to have Jessi. It was just like her, to agree to take me on the spot, and to take the day off to do it. I did feel a bit guilty for imposing on her, but even more than that, I was grateful.
As I sat there waiting for her to come back with dinner, I could feel the tears fall down my face faster instead of slowing down. It felt like my heart was breaking, even though I had a best friend willing to do a lot for me and a boyfriend who genuinely cared for me. I should have been at my happiest, and yet…
I didn’t want to face the treatments. I knew I would have to because I knew there was no choice if I wanted to get better.
My phone vibrated in my pocket, and it was so unexpected that I jumped and let out a gasp.
“What is it?” Jessi asked, ever alert.
I glanced at her in her kitchenette, cutting up veggies for our meal.
“It’s nothing. A call just surprised me.”
I pulled the phone out of my pocket, only to suck in a sharp breath when I saw Mason’s name on the screen. I didn’t even hesitate to swipe the call, rejecting it. Then I switched off my phone.
There was no way I could talk to him in the state I was in. I was just barely holding back from breaking down in sobs. There was a chance the lump could be nothing. It might be as simple as going under the knife again to have it cut out to get rid of the problem. But, until I knew for sure, I wasn’t going to be able to face him or tell him.
28
Laura
Jessi set the alarm pretty early, and it woke both of us up. We were close, and we didn’t feel particularly embarrassed, so we’d spent last night in the same bed, Jessi holding me as I fell asleep, and that was how we woke.
“I’ll go shower first,” she said quietly, slipping out of bed.
I watched her leave before I got up. I’d have to borrow some clothes from her for the day because I didn’t feel like taking a pit stop at my apartment. She was slightly plump from all the sweet things she ate, but then I couldn’t blame her for having a sweet tooth. She made a lot of desserts and pastries for events. I was sure that there would be something that I could fit into.
After she left the shower, I went in myself. Once again, it felt like my legs were too weak to support me, trembling under me as I stood in the shower. It made my lower lip wobble, and I bit down on it before I could start sobbing. I didn’t know yet if it was the fear making me tremble, or if I was sick again.
I hurried, just in case, and got out with a towel wrapped around me, to find Jessi already dressed and waiting, with clothes laid out on the bed for me.
“I had some new underwear,” she said, jumping up from the bed. “I don’t know if it’ll fit you too well but try it out. All the clothes are clean. I’ll go make breakfast now, and you can tell me when you’d like to go, okay?”
I nodded slowly, watching her closely. My friend was frazzled and worried. Her body looked like it was trembling just as much as mine. She was fully dressed, but her hair still stuck up in places, and I wondered if she’d tried to tug on it in frustration. Her hands fluttered a bit in the air as if she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do with them, before she clasped them together in front of her so hard her knuckles went white.
“Meet me in the living room after you’re done,” she finally said, leaving me to get dressed.
Slowly, I pulled on the clothes she’d left for me. As I’d thought, they were all a little big, but they still fit. The underwear must have been a little small for her, which was probably why it was still new, and it didn’t feel uncomfortable at all. I sat down on the bed for a few minutes to catch my breath.
Don’t be scared, I thought to myself. It could still be nothing.
I tried to encourage myself not to back down from this, because if the illness was back, I knew I’d have to be strong, even with Jessi there to help me.
By the time I moved to the front room, Jessi was finishing up on breakfast.
“Please, sit,” she said, pointing to the small dining table. “The food is all done now.”
I went silently to sit down and ate whatever she put in front of me. I would have to fast before surgery, but that wasn’t going to be today, and I was feeling hungrier than I’d been in days.
Breakfast was a quiet affair, and I hated it because it was nothing like us. We usually chatted about everything and anything. When we finished, Jessi silently got up to take the dishes to the sink and washed them all before coming back to join me.
“When exactly… do you…” she hesitated.
I sighed, moving to get up. “We might as well head out now. The sooner I get this over with, the better. My doctor agreed to see me when I went back as soon as she had the time, so there’s no point putting it off.”
Jessi let out a shaky sigh.
“Okay,” she said, getting up.
We picked up my coat, phone, and purse on our way out. Jessi was so distracted she almost forgot her key card inside. The trip down to the lobby was quiet, and we slipped out the staff entrance to where she’d parked her car. She unlocked it and we both got in.
“Which hospital?” she asked.
“Just drive, I’ll give you the directions.”
The car ride was as silent as we’d been the whole morning, broken now and then by my voice as I gave her the directions. I kept sneaking glances at her, and I felt bad to see her so distressed. She tried to hide it, putting up a strong front for my sake, but she was my closest friend, and I could read her well.
It was still pretty early by the time we got there, but I knew how early my doctor got into work. Jessi parked the car and we went into the hospital with me taking the lead.
My legs seemed to slow down the further we went like I was trying to put off the inevitable. We made it, and I stopped in front of my doctor’s office. Jessi came to a stop beside me.
“Is this it?” she asked hesitantly.
I nodded, and with a deep breath, knocked.
“Come in, come in,” called a familiar voice.
I hesitated as I opened the door and walked in, holding it open for Jessi to follow me in.
“Ah! Laura, you’re here.” Her eyes traveled to Jessi. “And you brought a…”
“Friend,” I finished for her. “This is Jessi. Jessi, this is Dr. Matthew.”
“I’m glad to see you’re coming with someone for once,” she said chidingly.
I shrugged helplessly. “I never thought I’d need to have someone else come with me. They’re only tests.”
Dr. Matthew gave me a disapproving look. Jessi nudged my shoulder, and when I looked over at her, she was giving me the same look.
“Well, anyway. Jessi, I’m glad to meet you,” she said, holding out her hand.
“Likewise,” Jessi said, shaking the doctor’s hand. “Thank you for looking after my friend for this long. If she’d told me before she came to the hospital so often, I would have come earlier.”
Dr. Matthew gave Jessi an approving look before she turned to me.
“Let’s head into the examination room. Do you need me to go through the procedures?”
I shook my head slowly and followed her as she walked into the room attached to her office. I shot a last, almost desperate look at Jessi before the door closed behind us.
“Now,” my doctor started. “Did you do the assignment I asked you to do last time?”
“I did,” I said quietly.
She waited as I lifted up my arm and pointed, too scared to touch. She gave me a sympathetic look and stepped closer to me.
“Take off your coat, please, and sit on the examination table.”
I did as instructed then raised my arm once more without being told. She looked off to the side with a frown as she felt the area I’d pointed to. Then she had me raise my other arm and gave that area the same attention. Finally, she felt both areas at the same time. I kept my eyes on her face, waiting for a change in her expression, but she kept it blank this time. She frowned when she came into contact with what I’d found.
“It’s good that you found it,” she said. “I only caught traces of it in your last test. This is not an ordinary lump.”
That wasn’t very encouraging, but I knew she wouldn’t be. She wasn’t the type to lie or give false hope, and I both liked and disliked that trait. I knew if I’d never had cancer before and she’d caught it, she wouldn’t be as alarmed and would have given some words of encouragement. But because it wasn’t my first time, it increased the chances of the lump I found being a cancerous cell.
Housekeeping Page 16
