For the first time in my adult life, since before I hit high school even, I cried.
At first, it was just a small tear slipping out the corner of one eye. I felt it as it slowly trickled down the side of my face, wet and warm. More followed after it, and I lost all hope of controlling them. My breathing and heartbeat picked up, and noises I hadn’t made since the last time I cried to my mother when I was a kid left my mouth. I tried to muffle them. The hand over my eyes moved to cover my mouth, but they still slipped out.
Shit.
It was pathetic that I was sitting by myself in an empty house and crying. But what else could I do? I couldn’t find Laura. She’d even moved out of her apartment, so she didn’t want to be found. Even worse, she could be very sick, and here I was crying like a baby.
I should move, I tried to tell myself. Wherever she is, she probably needed me. I should go to her.
But I couldn’t bring myself to move. I couldn’t even open my eyes because I knew Laura wouldn’t be there and seeing it would just make me cry more. I choked out a laugh, thinking how surprised they’d be, all those people who thought they knew me. I came off as confident, but it was just something I’d learned to project because of Dad.
I couldn’t be confident anymore, not when it came to Laura. Already, the worst-case scenarios were running through my mind.
If she was sick, then she was probably going to the hospital. I’d read up a little on breast cancer since she and I got together, and I knew even just the tests were painful, let alone going through the treatments. I thought back to what Emily had said to me and wondered if I could go through with it.
Laura would be in a lot of pain, and she’d need a lot of help. She’d also need me to be by her side to give her comfort. I’d have to sit there and watch her be in pain. I’d have to live with the uncertainty that cancer might not go away this time.
Was she going to have surgery? Had she gone through the tests already, and how painful had it been? Would she need chemotherapy? How long would it all take? All those questions I couldn’t answer kept running through my mind, and I had no answer for any of them. Neither did I know whether I wanted the answer, in case they were favorable. There was nothing in this situation that I could have control over, and that was just even more heartbreaking.
Behind all those thoughts was the one I feared most. The one I wanted to ignore and pretend it could never be a possibility, but I knew better.
What was I going to do if this was fatal? If even after going through the treatments… Laura died. Could I cope with that?
The thought just made me cry more, and my other hand clutched my chest because my heart ached at the mere thought of it.
Laura couldn’t die yet. I hadn’t even had the chance to love her properly yet! I hadn’t told her I loved her. But I had no control over any of it, and that was perhaps the thought that hurt the most.
31
Laura
“Are you sure about this?” Jessi asked me once again.
I sighed, my head lolling on the seat’s headrest. I wasn’t sure, and that was the problem. There was no point in running away, was there? If I was honest, I was grateful to both Jessi and Trent. Trent for renting the house close enough to the hospital, and her for staying there with me, and taking time off as well when she didn’t need to.
It was time now. I’d finished all my tests which was strange because at the time I’d felt that they’d never end and now they were done, it felt as if the time had passed so quickly. One thing was for sure: I was exhausted. As much as I would love to stick with Jessi until I had to go back to the doctor, there was a part of me that would rather be alone in my little apartment, if only for a little bit.
“You really don’t need to worry,” I said wondering if I was reassuring her or myself. I hated being a burden to anyone. “I’ll be fine… some alone time would do me good.” I realized what I really needed, it wasn’t so much to not feel as if I was a burden, it was just some time to be alone.
“And you’re sure you’re okay?” she asked, double-checking.
I sighed and faced my friend to give her a wan smile. “You don’t have to worry too much. I feel better now than I have for the past few days. I just want to sleep in my bedroom, surrounded by my favorite things and wait for morning and knit something. God, you don’t know how much I miss knitting!” And I didn’t know exactly how it would change, the thing that scared me.
“You’re like a grandma before your time. You’re obsessed with knitting!”
We both laughed. I thought about knitting, but the truth of the matter was that I was too weak to really do it at the moment. Knitting calmed me and made me feel whole, but it took too much concentration at times.
She undid her seatbelt and reached for me with open arms. I leaned in for a long, comforting hug. I almost lost the fight with my tears but kept my head tilted up and blinked until I didn’t think I was going to cry again. I’d cried enough in front of my friend already. I knew just how much she hated seeing me in pain, and I wouldn’t make her see any more. With all the support she’d already given me, it was more than enough.
After I went to see Dr. Matthew… well, I might need more comfort afterward so I could at least let her relax and see her boyfriend. She’d completely put him off while she was with me, and I didn’t want him to have such a low impression of me before we even officially met.
“It’s fine, really,” I said when I felt the hug was going on too long. “You have a date, don’t you? You need to get home and freshen up before going to meet your boyfriend.”
She sighed as she pulled back, settling into her seat and putting on her seatbelt again.
“I wouldn’t call it a date, exactly. He’s taking the day off and I’m just going to his place. You are right though, I’ll probably take a shower first,” she conceded.
“Go and make a date of it then,” I said, my smile growing a little brighter. “You have such a wonderful boyfriend, and you’ve been in love with him for years. You can't just neglect him.”
“It’s not neglect,” she retorted, frowning. “I’m taking care of you, and you’re my best friend. Trent understands and if he didn’t then I wouldn’t be with him. I can’t deal with being in a relationship and having to be someone I’m not. I want to be myself and comfortable being me. I am with Trent, so it’s all good.”
I sighed. “Thank you, Jessi, for being my very best friend. And I’m glad things are working out well for you and Trent. Also, thank you for looking after me, but I’ll be fine for a few hours alone. Just… enjoy your time together, at least. Even if it’s only for my sake.”
Her frown only grew deeper.
“I’ve kept you long enough,” I said, because I had a feeling if I didn’t try to leave first, I’d end up crying in front of her, and she wouldn’t go. This whole thing had been my idea to begin with, I couldn’t just allow her to keep ignoring Trent. That wasn’t fair to either of them.
“Should I come pick you up?” Her voice was shaking, and I knew that she was nervous about asking after I just told her that I needed ‘me’ time.
I bit my lip, unsure. I’d been thinking of Mason lately and feeling a little guilty at how much I was ignoring him. I wasn’t sure if I could muster the courage to contact him after so long… but when I was sending Jessi off to her boyfriend, this had been the plan. I’d told her I had someone I could ask, but to keep her phone on because I wasn’t sure I could go through with it.
There had been so many calls and messages from Mason, and I’d evaded them all up to now. It hadn't been easy for me, a few times I almost caved. Now though, I didn’t want to avoid him anymore. Having Jessi around was a blessing, but…
I missed him.
“It’s fine,” I said. “I’ll call you if I need you, but if I don’t, just spend time with Trent. If I don’t see you again today, I promise to give you an update after I see the doctor.”
She still looked reluctant, but she sighed and started the ca
r again. We’d been sitting out there for nearly twenty minutes, and I reached for the door handle.
“Fine,” she said, resigned. “But I swear, Laura, if you don’t call or message me by tonight, I will come looking for you.”
“That’s fine. I’ll see you later, Jessi. And thanks again.”
I opened the door and climbed out. The air was a bit chilly, and my shoulders rose around my ears as I shivered from a cold breeze, holding my coat tighter around my body. I waved at Jessi as she started the car, then watched as she drove away.
Once her car was out of sight, I turned and walked into my building. It was an old place, not like some of the newer, more luxurious looking apartment buildings in the area. I felt a sense of nostalgia as I closed the creaky door behind me and headed for the steep staircase. I was in no hurry, going up the steps slowly. I’d meant it when I said I was in my best condition over the past few days, but I still felt a little bit weak.
I came to a stop in front of my front door and waited a long moment just staring at it before I let myself inside.
Nothing had changed since the last time I was there. I’d cleaned up before I left, but there was a slight musty smell hanging in the room.
“First of all,” I muttered to myself. “Open up the windows.”
My whole apartment only had two proper windows. There was a third, but that was a tiny one in the bathroom so I didn’t usually count it. If I opened the one in my bedroom, I might sleep and forget to close it. Spending my short nap freezing was the last thing I wanted to do. So I went to the kitchen and opened that window as far as it would go. It wouldn’t matter too much if I forgot to close it before I slept because my apartment was several floors up.
I took a glass of water, then looked through my fridge before I remembered there was nothing left in it. Not even in the cupboards. I’d already eaten, Jessi had made sure of that, but a snack might be enough to take my mind off things. I was alone now, just like I’d wanted. I didn’t feel rested at all. But I didn’t think I could go to sleep if I tried.
In an hour or so, I would be getting the results from all that testing, and it would be the decider of what my life would be like going forward. If the cancer wasn’t gone then I was in trouble. If it was then I could only rejoice. Just thinking that my life hedged on a piece of paper… it was enough to drive me crazy.
So, now that I was alone, what should I do? Even though I’d insisted on being alone, I had no idea. I’d figured I would just go to my room, lie down on my bed and sleep the time away with an alarm on my phone to remind me. My doctor wouldn’t even mind if I was a little later, as long as it wasn’t longer than an hour. But when I walked into the bedroom, all I could do was stare at my bed. I didn’t think I could fall asleep. I felt too restless for that.
Maybe listen to music? Or watch TV? Probably not, because I’d be tempted to put on some melodramatic songs that would just lead me to cry, and TV didn’t always catch my interest much. I didn’t even feel in the mood to read online.
“Knitting,” I said to myself. I could always do some knitting to keep my mind occupied; maybe I could do a little, not as much as I used to, but maybe a little would do me some good. It was the one thing that always managed to make me feel calm, after all.
I walked into my bedroom and picked up my last knitting project. I stiffened a little when I realized I could be knitting something for me to use later on, but I shook that thought off quickly. I relocated to the living room and sat down on the couch with a sigh.
I arranged my hands and the knitting needles, but I couldn’t even start because my hands were trembling. I let go of the needles, staring at my trembling hands like it was the first time I’d noticed, feeling a little betrayed.
Before I could pick them back up and try again, there was a knock on the door. It was enough to make me pause, wondering who it could be. It was probably Jessi coming back to check on me one more time but there was force behind that knock, whoever was on the other side of the door was stronger than Jessi.
Could it be…?
My heart went still, then started beating very quickly. When the knocking came again, I started with a gasp. And then, his voice.
“Laura!” he called through the door. “I can see the light is on, so you have to be in there! Please, Laura, let me in!”
Mason… how long had it been since I’d last heard his voice? Too long, because it was making my heart waver, even as loud, obnoxious, and desperate as it sounded. I realized right then that I would have copped out of calling him, but he’d come to me instead.
After some hesitation, I got up, leaving my knitting to the side.
“Laura!” he yelled some more. “Let me in! I swear I will make a scene on your doorstep until you open this door!”
That was enough to bring a smile to my lips, a shaky one, as my eyes stung. The ever-unflappable Mason Thompson, screaming like a lunatic at my door.
With my doubts gone, I took sure steps to the door and opened it. He froze with his fist in the air, like he’d been about to deliver another harsh round of knocking.
I’d hated him, I’d loved him. But right then, I needed someone that wasn’t Jessi, not after what she’d already sacrificed because of me. I just needed a friend, and there he stood.
“Mason.”
32
Laura
I didn’t even think about it, I just threw myself at him, wrapping my arms tight around his waist and holding on as I thought about how selfish I’d been shutting him out. His eyes were red as if he hadn’t slept. He wasn’t wearing a suit and he wasn’t clean shaven like he always was. I knew that the stress and tiredness had been a result of me and all I wanted was to have him hold me in his arms.
“Mason,” I repeated his name, my voice hushed as I started to get emotional.
My eyes squeezed closed, and my throat grew tight and itchy. Tentatively, he circled his arms around me, and just like that, I broke down.
“Whoa! Laura, what is it? What’s wrong? What’s going on? Tell me...”
Immediately, Mason was firing questions at me, sounding worried. He rubbed circles into my back with one hand, carded the fingers of his other hand through my hair, doing it ever so gently.
“I’m sorry for ignoring you,” I said through my sobs as I buried my face into his chest. “So sorry!”
Seeing him in the flesh after so long, there was no point in denying it to myself. I hadn’t wanted to see him because I knew seeing me in pain would bring him pain too, and I hadn’t wanted that. The idea of breaking things off with him, even though it would have been better for him in the long run, had only left me feeling cold. I would have done it for his sake, but I would have hated it.
“No, it’s okay. I understand,” Mason murmured, burying his face in my hair. “I was worried, Laura. I figured you needed time, and I gave it to you. I’m a pretty impatient guy and insensitive at times. Things weren’t working on my terms and I wanted to be in control of it. I wanted to make sure that you were okay.”
He paused, and I could tell he’d done something, but I couldn’t figure out what, until he revealed he’d been coming here every night since he found out that I was too sick to go to work.
His explanation had me wailing louder, and even with my face pressed against his chest, it wasn’t so muffled that the sound didn’t carry down the hall.
Mason cursed. “Fuck, I didn’t mean to. I meant… shit. Why am I so fucking insensitive?”
I didn’t think I could stop myself, so I didn’t even try to.
Mason put his hands on the tops of my arms to push me back. I went willingly because I deserved it if he wasn’t going to forgive me for leaving him out of the loop for so long. But he was only doing it so there was enough space between us for him to lean down and pick me up bridal style, then walk me into the apartment. My arms automatically wrapped around his neck as I buried my face into his chest once more.
He carried me in his arms as he locked the door, then walked us
further into the room. There was the sound of another door opening and closing, and he sat us both down on the bed with me in his lap. It had me feeling a little embarrassed, so I tried to get off, but he wrapped an arm around my waist to keep me there.
After a good long cry, I started to calm down a little. The tears didn’t stop but at least I was no longer sobbing. Mason moved under me, and when I opened my eyes to know what he was trying to do, I saw him holding a handkerchief up for me. That just made me even more choked up, and I wiped my tears and blew my nose into it.
“Laura…” he started, but he didn’t sound like his usual self. He sounded like he was hesitating.
Just like that, I spilled everything.
“I told you I had breast cancer,” I blurted out. “Years ago, when I was in college. I didn’t even know at first, I just felt something on my chest that was off, but I didn’t think too much about it. A while later, I started feeling off, and when I fainted in class one too many times, I decided to go to a doctor for a checkup.”
Mason stayed quiet, and very still, letting me get it all off of my chest.
“When they diagnosed me with cancer, I was so scared, Mason. I barely had any money, I was putting myself through college with a part-time job and my parents’ inheritance, which I only got after I’d turned eighteen. They started telling me about all these tests I would have to take, talking about surgery and chemotherapy. I didn’t have any family, and I didn’t tell my friends about any of it.”
I stopped to blow my nose again and wipe up some more tears. Mason’s broad hand was rubbing up and down my spine, as I quieted down to sniffling.
Mason whispered, “I know. Call me paranoid, but when I met you I did some reading up so I knew some of what you went through.”
“I went through all of it, and somehow managed to pay for it. Then I got better and I moved here. I’ve been going to the doctor regularly, and recently, they caught something.”
Housekeeping Page 18
