“But now you are, right? ‘Cause my Sunday school teacher says we should listen to God’s Word and do what it says.”
“She is absolutely right, kiddo. We should listen to God’s Word and do what it says, even when it’s hard.”
Brendan paused a moment, his eyes blinking a little slower than before. Josh couldn’t tell if he was drifting off or if he was deep in thought.
“Could you marry Miss Brynn?”
Joshed choked on a gulp of air and started sputtering.
“Uh, what? Where did that come from?”
“I love Miss Brynn. She always plays with me and gives me hugs, and tells me I’m smart. When we play football after school she watches and cheers for us and helps with my homework. She’s pretty and would be a really good mom.” His little face showed a guilty, sad expression that tore at Josh’s heart.
His next words were whispered so quietly Josh barely heard them.
“She’d be even better than my real mom.”
“Oh, Brendan,” he had to swallow hard against the bubble that was strangling him, “Miss Brynn is pretty amazing, and I can tell she loves you. But it’s not that easy, little man. When two people get married it’s because they love each other very much.”
“But you could love her. I already love her. I bet she’d love you, too, maybe. She smiles a lot bigger when you come pick me up, and you look all goofy when you look at her like the way Uncle Jude looks at Aunt Missy.”
Brendan could see all that? The kid was far more perceptive than he’d given him credit for. Josh reached out and brushed his hand across the V of Brendan’s hair line and caressed the soft fuzz on top of his little head.
“I’m sorry Mom makes you sad, kiddo. She’s trying to be as good a mom as she knows how to be.”
“How come she didn’t want me when I was a baby?”
Josh’s heart pounded and sank deeper like a stone to the ocean floor. How far back could he remember?
He cleared his throat and took in a slow, deep breath before answering, “What do you mean?”
“I ‘member when she first came over and played with me. I know I was little, but I still a ‘member it. We went to the play place and had chicken nuggets. You said she was my mom but I know I never seed her before.”
“You’re right, buddy. We did do that,” his head hung low and his shoulders sagged. How could he help his boy understand? “Sometimes people just don’t know how to be moms and dads, and your mom wasn’t really ready to be a mom yet. So, it was just you and me for a while until she could be.”
“It’s okay. Some kids in my class don’t have dads, and Alayna has two of them but no mom. Bailey lives with her Grandma ‘cause she don’t have parents no more. But Tyler and Alejandro and Tristan have both a mom and a dad who live in the same house and so do most of the kids at church. I kind of wish I had a mom who lived with me and you and would play with me and go on field trips and stuff. And I really, really want a little sister like Jilly Bean.”
Josh’s heart melted and he scooted Brendan over on the bed so he could stretch his long body out next to his all-too-perceptive young son. Skye’s selfishness would always be a problem for them, and Josh hated that his youthful mistakes were the source of his son’s heartache. Not that he’d trade a single choice if it meant not having Brendan, but knowing it caused him pain was excruciating for Josh. He’d been praying to get through the guilt for years, but sometimes it was almost too much.
“I know, buddy.” He pressed a kiss to his head. “Know what? Gram always told me that when my heart was sad, or if there was something really important to me, I should talk to Jesus about it and see if he’d make it feel better. Want to do that?”
Brendan merely nodded and placed his small, warm hand inside Josh’s larger one. Together they prayed and succumbed to the exhaustion of a long day and a long talk.
Chapter 21
Brynn
Caleb slid into the seat next to Brynn in the rear center of the auditorium a minute before service was supposed to start. She was grateful for his presence there, and even more grateful that it wasn’t her week in the rotation on the worship team. There was no way she’d have had the energy to sing after the fatigue she still felt from all the hurling a few days ago. The night before hadn’t provided nearly enough of the rest she so desperately needed. Her sleep had once again been plagued with strange dreams warring within her subconscious, visions of herself both teaching and nursing, with both Caleb and Josh present and making her feel very powerful and conflicting feelings.
Warm, but rough fingers wrapped gingerly around hers before lacing together and resting on the valley between their barely touching legs. Brynn took a measure of comfort from the gesture—a tenderness Caleb hadn’t shown in a while. He’d been so consumed with school that, here it was, just a few days before Thanksgiving, and she realized it would only be the fifth or sixth time they’d spent more than a couple of hours together all semester.
She hadn’t expected to see him this morning. While Caleb loved the Lord, he was so easily sidetracked by school and work and the other projects he immersed himself in. Her eyes flitted to his profile, and she was happy to see him mouthing the words to the song. He glanced at her from the corner of his eye and the warm smile he sent her way was followed by a sense of peace and calm she hadn’t experienced much lately. He really was a good guy.
Caleb squeezed her hand, as if reading her mind and reassuring her she was right. They sat like that for the remainder of the service, which she listened to intently. Somehow, Pastor Randy seemed to be preaching to everything she had been going through the last several months. How did he seem to know exactly what she’d needed to hear today?
“We all struggle with indecision from time to time. Some days, it can feel like we’re being torn in two from the pull of each choice. Over and over we’ve heard people tell us, ‘just trust in the Lord, trust in the Lord.’ But that’s not always so easy, is it? Just as quickly as we place our problems, worries, pressures, or futures into the Lord’s hands, we often seem to wrestle that control back instead of relying on Him to show us where to go next. We make lists, ask friends and others for godly counsel. But how often do you truly trust in the Lord to show you which is the right path to take? You may ask Him, but do you trust Him enough to listen and wait for an answer?
“If you’ve been around believers long enough, you’ve probably heard someone quote Proverbs 3:5-6 from one translation or another. I particularly like the New Living Translation of this passage. ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’
“While these two verses can bring us solace, sometimes I’ve found that these commonly known words of wisdom can feel more like platitudes from the well-intentioned. That’s why I’d like to take you back a chapter to Proverbs 2. Perhaps this chapter can give us some deeper wisdom and a new pool of instruction from which we can find the peace our spirits so desperately need in order to hear the voice of the Lord guiding us in our decision making.”
Brynn sat up a little straighter in her chair. Her spirit cheered in agreement, all too familiar with the well-meaning Christians, whose oft misquoted biblical recitations felt more like cliched pats on the back. In fact, if she heard one more person misquote, “God will never give you more than you can handle,” she might smack somebody.
Randy went on, “Let us read starting at chapter 2, verse 2. I am still reading from the NLT version, because I believe the wording used for this passage is a little more conducive to applying its wisdom in today’s world.
‘Tune your ears to wisdom,
and concentrate on understanding.
Cry out for insight,
and ask for understanding.
Search for them as you would for silver;
seek them like hidden treasures.
Then you will understand what it means to fear
the Lord,
and you will gain knowledge of God.
For the Lord grants wisdom!
From his mouth come knowledge and
understanding.
He grants a treasure of common sense to the honest.
He is a shield to those who walk with integrity.
He guards the paths of the just
and protects those how are faithful to him.
Then you will understand what is right, just, and fair,
and you will find the right way to go.
For wisdom will enter your heart,
and knowledge will fill you with joy.
Wise choices will watch over you,
Understanding will keep you safe.’
“I appreciate the emphasis this passage places on finding wisdom and treasuring it. The Bible often tells us to seek wise counsel. Obviously, we have to first acknowledge that we don’t know everything. We need to bounce those ideas off of other people who’ve been there, done that. We need to seek the wisdom of our elders and people we trust; those who will pray with and for us and tell us what we need to hear, not just what we want to hear. But this passage also reminds us to seek the wisest counsel—to cry out to God himself for insight and understanding. He is the source of all wisdom, knowledge, and understanding. When we cry out and seek Him, first, he will grant us the treasure of common sense, guard our paths, and help us find which way to go.”
Randy closed his Bible on the podium and walked to one side of the plexiglass structure. He rested his elbow on the edge and leaned slightly in a relaxed pose, pausing to allow the congregation a moment to absorb his words before continuing with a smile.
“I love Proverbs 19:21, which says, ‘You can make many plans, but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.’ You know, even as a pastor I’ll open up my Word some days thinking I know exactly what I’m going to be preaching on. I like to plan out several months in advance what series I’ll be doing, and sketch a rough outline of what those teachings will encompass. But wouldn’t you know, as soon as I start doing that, I’ll hear that still, small voice of the Holy Spirit reminding me that I am not my own. His plans are not my plans. And I’ll remember that I need to hit my knees and really ask God what are His plans for me?
“Other times, I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders and struggle with a bigger decision. I look around this beautiful new building we moved into just a couple years ago and remember how much time I had to spend asking the Lord what path to take. Back when we were just a tiny little group in a store front, I wondered if we were where we were supposed to be, if we should look to rent a bigger building, or risk everything and build something from the ground up. It felt like such a burden, wondering if we would be able to build and grow, or if we’d struggle with losing members of our group just because they didn’t like the choices I was making.
“But one thing I learned personally, is that when we’re faced with choices big and small, when we seek wise counsel, employ common sense, seek the will of God and to hear His voice, He truly is faithful and just and will show us the right way to go, and usually at exactly the moment we most need to hear from him. God has proven himself to us a multitude of ways, and if we are actively seeking Him and His will, we will find him.
“Just as Jeremiah 29:13 says, ‘You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.’ Notice this is only two verses after the frequently quoted 29:11 about God having plans to prosper us and not to harm us, giving us a hope and a future. Psalm 119:105, ‘Your word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path.’ These things go hand in hand—seek God, find God, and he will light the way to the path you should choose.
“So, before we pray and close today, I’d like to give everyone a moment to bow your heads and pray. Let’s take some time and seek the Lord’s wisdom and will for those paths we’re choosing between.”
He tapped his knuckles on the top of the podium lightly then shifted his weight and clasped both hands in front of him, bowing his head, and in hushed indiscernible tones began to pray.
Brynn gently pulled her hand from Caleb’s light hold and flipped her Bible closed and reached for her small spiral notebook. The pages fanned silently and fell open to her most recent list. The page was divided into two long columns with a thick, wobbly inked line down the center. The headings read Nursing and College of Ed, and there were several valid points of the pros and cons of each, often overlapping in how she spun the words so that the columns were both fairly even.
Her breaths were coming out a little shallow, and she felt the buzzing of a whole hive of bees taking up residence inside her from sternum to pelvis. As she bent her head, she felt the sting of conviction that she knew all of the things Pastor Randy had preached were true. This list was more proof that she hadn’t really been seeking God’s will in her decision, not truly. She’d been thinking more concretely along the lines of, “how far will switching majors put me behind in my goals?” It was time to put the lists away and really trust that if she was truly a believer and not just a “Christian,” she had to actually place her trust in Christ himself. She had to know down to her very soul that God had good things in store and would take care of her always, no matter the career she chose to pursue. He always had, always would. Period.
While the rest of the congregation closed their eyes and bowed their heads silently at Pastor Randy’s urging, Brynn joined with her own. She prayed over her schooling, over whether to return to her first love of education and children for the long haul or to leave the familiar and venture into the unknown world of nursing. For months, she’d been exhausted from stressing over the decision, but at that precise moment it was like someone had lit up a match on a gasoline swirled river and burned up all of the accelerant, leaving only pure and perfect water and a calm warmth in her chest. Peace, my daughter. Come rest in me and you will find your answers. Just rest.
She felt the presence of the Spirit surrounding her in an invisible hug, arms as heavy and firm as if physically real. Her eyes still closed, she saw images of herself walking through a brilliantly bright meadow, cresting up a hill on which grew a lone shade tree. Its branches spread wide and full, and she saw herself as if through someone else’s eyes this time, swinging on a wooden plank attached to some rope from a thick branch of the majestic tree. The other Brynn’s hair flew behind her, carried on the air with the momentum of her swing, a look of complete freedom and rapture on her face. The expression was reflected within her own heart, and Brynn knew this daydream was a special promise from God.
The prayer time came to a close and the overwhelming sense of peace continued to flow through her senses. She chanced a quick sideways glance at Caleb and discovered his head was still lowered and his brows crinkled tightly as if concentrating hard on his prayer. She wondered for a moment if he was struggling with a big decision that he hadn’t talked to her about yet. She trusted that eventually he’d share whatever was going on in his mind with her.
Chapter 22
Josh
Finally, it was Thanksgiving week. Brendan didn’t have school this week for Parent-Teacher conferences and then the holiday, so Josh had planned to only work half days Monday and Tuesday. He was looking forward to the time together almost as much as Brendan.
Josh reached down to grab his laptop bag and lock his desk and file drawers before leaving at noon. As he strode out of the office and closed his door, he gave a nod to his secretary and glanced around the office before proceeding. He had successfully avoided Carly through most of the last several weeks, but earlier that morning she’d practically oozed sensuality in the conference room at the staff meeting. She’d intentionally sat next to him and kept finding small ways to graze an arm, shoulder, knee, or other part of him and he was beyond over it.
Unwanted attention from a male to a female stemmed plenty of sexual harassment issues, clearly outlined in the training they’d all been required to attend as new hires and every year after. But when a beautiful woman made sexual overtures toward a man, eve
n when those attentions weren’t welcome, somehow it wasn’t viewed as harassment. The double standard set Josh’s teeth on edge. Sure, in the past, his ego would have been bolstered by her attentions. Maybe he’d even have taken advantage of her blatant invitations. But now? She made his skin crawl. She was the antithesis of the kind of woman he now wanted.
His thoughts strayed to Brynn’s simple, girl-next-door beauty. With a last glance around the office and a clear path to the elevator, he let himself look forward to seeing her beautiful shining eyes and smiling face. He hadn’t allowed himself to text her again and he hoped she wouldn’t read too much into things one way or another. Something told him she’d scare off easily, and he knew he was making progress. Slowly, but any progress was a good thing.
He’d been taken aback at first when Gina had given him Brynn’s number, and their tête-à-tête had been a positive move in his opinion. She’d surprised him with her sense of humor, and it had emboldened him perhaps a little too much. He’d reached for his phone several times over the weekend, but was proud of himself for resisting no matter how his fingers had itched.
Sunday had been a really great day hanging out after church with Brendan and several of the other dads and kids from his small group. They’d taken their kids to the pizza buffet arcade place and spent several hundred tokens between them all. While he’d enjoyed the teaching and worship better the week he’d gone to Brynn’s church, he was developing some solid friendships now with a few of the guys at his parents’ church—his church?—and it was feeling more like a home now. He really appreciated how real Jaydon was. They’d become pretty good friends and Josh looked forward to hanging out with him.
A few minutes later, Josh pulled his truck in to a space at Cordova and couldn’t help grinning at the giant top-hat wearing turkey now gracing the door of Brynn’s classroom. The air was warm for November, but the crispness was refreshing after being cooped up in the conference room with a dozen other people all morning. It was definitely beginning to feel more like winter was on its way.
What Could Be (Everyday Love Book 1) Page 16
