He laughed at that. She joined in and shook her head in playful repulsion. Her eyes sparkled with humor and she was holding back a grin.
“No, I don’t do Black Friday,” she insisted. “Or Black Thursday. I mean, I enjoy shopping as much as the next girl. But I hate the crowds and I hate that so many people have to work on a holiday because of it all. So I protest silently and hit Small Business Saturday instead.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” Josh affirmed with a grin. She seemed so sweet and calm most of the time, but he loved getting these little glimpses into undercurrents of passion, humor, and sass. She was so much more complex that he’d originally thought, and every layer he discovered left him wanting to find out more.
Brynn shook her head. A tendril of blonde hair fell across her forehead and over one brow. It about took everything Josh had not to brush it behind her ear. Thank God, she swiped it back on her own.
“So,” he said, to distract himself, “have you been having a good week? I’m sure it’s nice not to have school this week on top of all the other things you’ve always got going.”
Her face brightened. “Yes, actually. God has been so good this week. I really felt like I had peace on Sunday after church about whether or not to change my major—”
He grinned at her and waited for her to finish.
“—and then remember me telling you about that guy my freshman year? The one I thought I was going to marry?”
He didn’t remember her saying anything about marrying the guy, but he did remember the cheating jerk part. He released his now clenched jaw and nodded for her to continue.
“Well, I ran into him on Tuesday when I ran to Walmart to restock our baking supplies and get a few other things. Apparently, he got married awhile back and has a little boy who’s almost one.”
Josh tried to read her body language for any indication of how she felt about this development, but he wasn’t getting any signs of emotional distress. Interesting.
She shifted the angle of her body toward him slightly and went on. “Anyway, for a long time I thought about what I’d say or how I’d feel when I finally ran into him. Turns out, it went absolutely nothing like I thought it would. I could see a complete change in him between when I knew him and now.
“He apologized again, and for the first time I could see in his eyes that he meant it. He said that God had finally gotten through to him and changed his heart and his whole life. I mean, he was a believer when we were together, or at least he went to church and made a pretty good show of things. But I think deep down I knew there was something missing in his faith walk, you know?”
She fidgeted in her seat, picking at the wrapper of her muffin. Her countenance was filled with peaceful contemplation. Does she know how beautiful she is?
“So, uh,” she balled up a piece of the wrapper between her fingers. “I guess he finally truly experienced what it meant to really be saved and let God in. I expected to feel some residual anger, hurt, or…I don’t know...something. But instead of any negativity, I felt this crazy wave of peace come over me, and in that moment, I just knew that I’d forgiven him and I was able to rejoice in the changes in his life. And now? My heart feels so full and free that I almost don’t recognize myself! Isn’t God amazing?!”
Her beautiful lips turned up in a full smile that lit her whole face like a candle in a stained-glass window. Amazing.
Josh reclined in his chair and clasped his hands together over his middle. He cocked his head in thoughtful consideration of all she’d just revealed. Knowledge was a powerful thing, and knowing she felt free and had forgiven the love that had broken her heart meant that maybe, just maybe, she’d be in a place to move on again soon. He liked that thought.
He sat forward again, and tentatively reached a hand out and placed it over hers on the table, her incredible blue eyes looking up at him with a hint of surprise in them. Every time he touched her, even innocuously like this, unfamiliar feelings surged at the contact. Could she feel it, too? Her expression seems to suggest so. It was a tiny jolt like when he was a kid and Jude used to trick him into licking the connections on top of a 9V battery.
“God is most definitely amazing. I’m so glad you feel free, Brynn. I know how it feels to let the past haunt you and hold you back, and how freeing it can be to let it go and fully embrace forgiveness and healing.”
He willed his eyes to show how deeply he meant this. He hoped that maybe, just maybe, she’d also be able to see deeper into how he was growing to feel about her and a little of what could be between them.
“So…,” he paused, giving her his best dimpled grin, “what did you decide to do about school?”
Brynn
Oh, fooey. Why had she let that slip? She wasn’t quite ready to verbalize her decision. Well, actually, until the moment she’d admitted to Josh that she’d made a decision, she hadn’t really realized that she had made a decision.
She paused a moment, looking past the table and watching Brendan’s calm-for-once self play in the children’s area while she rolled the decision around in her mind a moment. Yep, she felt pretty good about it, actually. Now to actually say the words out loud to someone, confirm their reality, and force herself to put plans into action.
Doubt flickered a moment. She couldn’t very well tell Josh her decision before she told her parents or even Gina, could she? Why did it seem like he was the one she wanted to tell first? Caleb! Shouldn’t Caleb be the one she told before she told Josh? She was a terrible person. Terrible. How had Caleb not even come into her mind on her list of people to tell first? Maybe Gina had a point. Caleb being an afterthought wasn’t a good sign, even if nothing was going on between her and Josh.
Wait, was there something going on between her and Josh? He’d reached so softly for her hand a few moments ago, then had given it a quick squeeze before releasing it and leaving her missing the contact. The tiny hairs on her arm were still raised from the zing she’d felt when he’d touched her hand.
Oh heck. Brynn closed her eyes and toyed with her pastry wrapper once more, pulled in a cleansing breath and turned back to Josh’s waiting gaze. No time like the present to step out and verbalize what she truly wanted.
“I’m going to return to my heart’s desire and apply to the College of Education.”
Josh’s handsome face broke into a wide, full-lipped grin, his incredible gold-smattered hazel eyes sparkling. He looked…proud of her. She returned the grin, suddenly feeling shy, but pleased for having spoken it aloud for the first time. Her fingers still picking at the wrapper, she watched the crumbs flake from the sides and onto the table. She began sweeping the crumbs into a nearby napkin, keeping her hands occupied. Nice mess, Brynn.
“That’s awesome. I knew you’d make the right decision. I mean, either choice could have been the right one I suppose, but I’ve just had a gut feeling you’d go back into education. You were made for it, Brynn. I mean that.”
This pleased her immensely. Like a confirmation that she was doing the right thing, another weight lifted from her shoulders and she felt another sensation of floating and peace settle on her. Even more than the freedom she’d felt after truly forgiving Aiden, she felt a lightness and freedom in this. And telling Josh, right here and now, felt so right, too.
Brynn’s eyes flicked back up to Josh’s. Wow, they really are amazing. Those gold flecks. The gold spiraled around his pupils like the flowers she doodled in her notebook, and speckles of more gold dotted the greenish outer ring that became progressively darker to the rim. Entirely too gorgeous for his own good. She swallowed to wet her suddenly parched throat. Nope, didn’t work. A swig of caramel whatever should do the trick. Mercy.
“That was the first time I’ve said it out loud.”
Josh’s eyes widened in surprise, his eyebrows climbing and then dipping back as the corners crinkled. “Really? Now that is awesome. I’m honored.”
“You should be. Gina’s going to be so mad she didn’t hear it first. I mean,
she already thinks—” she snapped her lips closed and tried to look purposefully at Brendan, hoping he was creating some mischief or doing something interesting enough to draw Josh’s attention to his son rather than the unfinished admission. She intentionally focused on Brendan.
“Is he actually drawing on the chalkboard? He hates the way chalk feels on his hands.” She tried to sound appropriately mystified and then pressed her lips tightly together.
He didn’t buy it, though. “I see him, nice try. She thinks…what?”
Brynn refused to make eye contact. “Nothing. Never mind.” She called out to Brendan, “Hey buddy, what ’cha drawing there?”
Josh cleared his throat. From the corner of her eye, she could see Josh raise an eyebrow and his lips curl into a sideways smirk. Ugh, he had to make that charming Harrison Ford grin, didn’t he? For a guy who’d been so shy for months and had barely said more than a sentence here and there for ages, he suddenly seemed to have a stubborn playful streak.
“Not going to pretend you didn’t hear that, are you?”
He laughed out loud. “Uh, no. You’ve got to finish that thought. What is it that Gina already thinks about me…or you…or…?” He left the thought open ended, waiting.
She raised her own eyebrow then squinted her eyes at him, her nose wrinkling in a playful mean-face she often used on her brother and some of the students when they were being stinkers.
“I’m not telling.”
He laughed again, “What are you, five?”
“At this moment? Maybe. So, what are your plans for the rest of your Thanksgiving?”
“Fine, fine. I’ll let it slide this time. But don’t think I’ll forget it. I’ll weasel it out of you or maybe just charm Gina into telling me what she thinks about my being the first to know your earth shattering, life changing decision,” he shook his head mischievously and winked. Winked! Oh, now that playfulness was definitely not healthy for her right now. Trouble, that’s what it was.
Josh glanced at his watch and cleared his throat. “Actually, I didn’t realize it’s already noon. I need to get over to the house for our big family dinner and games. Dad’s probably already engrossed in one of the football games, and I’m pretty sure my sister and brother are already there. You?”
“Did you say noon? Oh man, my mom’s going to be so annoyed I’m not there helping with the last-minute stuff! I can’t believe it’s that late already!”
They both stood and Brynn reached for her little crossbody bag, pulling the long strap over her head and settling the bag on her hip. “I’d better get going. It was so nice to run into you guys this morning. Happy Thanksgiving.”
She hesitated briefly, and Josh’s face held a flash of uncertainty before he made a commitment for both of them. He leaned forward, opening his arms to encircle them around her in a quick goodbye hug. She relaxed into his embrace, and the hug was over before it had truly begun. It still left Josh’s warmth all over her where they’d made contact and she begrudgingly wished it had been longer.
“I enjoyed our talk today, Brynn. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too.”
She smiled over her shoulder as she turned to leave, still buttoning her coat and adjusting her winter gear.
“I did, too. I’m glad we’re friends, Josh.”
She saw a flicker of something undefinable cross his face before he returned her smile with a farewell nod.
Chapter 25
In her car on the quick drive home, Brynn’s phone buzzed with a text. She waited until the next red light before glancing at it. Caleb was confirming their holiday weekend plans. Guilt rained down over her as if she sat under her own personal dark thunder cloud.
For the first time, Brynn could understand how Aiden must have felt. For so long, she hadn’t been able to comprehend how he had fallen and betrayed her while they were still together. Back then, in her mind, a relationship was black and white. You were committed or not, and there was no room for excuses. But now, she had to admit to herself that her feelings for Josh were growing less friendly and more…something else…every time she saw him. And she’d been thinking of him more often when they were apart, too.
She knew it was rapidly approaching the line of inappropriate and she’d need to take action to protect herself, Caleb, and Josh. It wasn’t fair to anyone to allow feelings to grow where they shouldn’t. And there was no question—as long as she was in a relationship with Caleb, she could never be anything more than a friend to Josh, and even that should be at a safe distance. If she was a woman of integrity, and she considered herself to be, then she needed to keep Josh at arm’s length and not be tempted to compromise her beliefs.
She still felt strongly about not crossing any lines, but now she was beginning to feel compassion for how Aiden must have been blinded to the slippery slope he’d been on. If his friendship with Leilani had inspired even a fraction of the feelings her friendship with Josh did, then it was no wonder he’d had a hard time keeping his distance and resisting temptation.
Not that Brynn would ever let herself be tempted to sleep with Josh outside the bounds of marriage—her sheer stubborn iron will and commitment to waiting was stronger than that—but, she could finally relate to the battle Aiden must have waged inside. For the second time this week, she was able to fully forgive Aiden and let the wounds heal.
The lyrics to a song on the radio seeped into her mind and brought her out of the stream of consciousness she’d been floating on. She checked her mirrors and took in her surroundings and was surprised to realize how close she was to home now. She’d been on auto pilot most of the way and that frightened her a little. She adjusted in her seat and resolved to pay more attention to the road.
She started to sing along with Matthew West about forgiveness. The joy she felt flowing through her being was unlike anything she’d felt in ages. Even though she’d felt such a heavy guilt a few minutes ago, she knew she’d experienced a real breakthrough as well. Now to figure out what to do next.
Pray.
The word whispered through her heart like a gentle reminder. Of course. She’d been talking to God plenty about school, some about Caleb and even Josh, but now she felt the pressing of the Holy Spirit to go deeper.
Lord, I need to know what to do. Thank you, thank you for helping me to find closure and healing this week with Aiden. But now, I’m realizing that I don’t really feel the things for Caleb that I ought to feel for him if he’s The One.
Please give me some kind of sign, I need to know. He’s a wonderful man and I do love him, though it’s not exactly the kind of love I want for my Forever Love. I don’t want to hurt him, either. So please, help me work this out.
If I’m supposed to be with Josh or someone else someday, I know you’ll work that out, too—in the right time and in the right way. Help me be strong when I’m tempted to be more than friendly. I place this situation into your hands, just as I finally put the decision about school into your hands. You were faithful to show me the way there, and I know you’ll be faithful here, too. Thank you, Lord, for how you love me.
Brynn felt calm and refreshed as she pulled in to the driveway of her family home and shut off her SUV. This Thanksgiving was going to be a good one, she could feel it.
Ok, Lord, one last thing. Help me as I tell my parents about school and my future career decision.
With her shoulders squared and her heart happy, she strode into the delicious smelling house, full of hope and promise.
Chapter 26
Josh
“Mom, that was incredible,” Josh proclaimed as he stretched his arms overhead.
“Yeah, I’m so full I’m going to look like Santa Claus,” his father grinned, rubbing his rounded and protruding belly.
Brendan giggled, “Grampa, you already kind of look like Santa Claus!”
Everyone else around the large table laughed in agreement. Josh loved the way his family teased each other. Seeing his brother’s family along with his parents, sister, and Brendan all gathered
together like this was pretty much his ideal way to spend a holiday.
Well, mostly ideal, because every time he’d caught a glimpse of Missy and Jude giving each other long, loving looks, his heart squeezed in envy. He’d never had that kind of relationship with a woman, not really. He’d had plenty of girlfriends he’d cared about, but never that deep love and respect for another woman that made him want to commit to forever.
Was it possible that someday he could find that kind of love? Could it be found with Brynn, as Brendan hoped? She was so young, with so much still ahead for her to do and learn and grow through. Would she even want to be with someone like him, who’d made so many mistakes and had fallen short so many times? Would she want to be with someone who made her an instant stepmother, even to a boy as amazing as Brendan? Was it even fair to ask that or hope that of her?
“Josh, honey?” his mother’s voice broke through his musings and dragged him back to reality.
Right. Thanksgiving. Surrounded by his people.
“Sorry, mom, I was just thinking about something.”
“I can see that. We were all trying to decide whether to play a game or watch football,” she nudged gently and without condemnation. He could tell by the concern in her eyes that she knew something was up and would likely be dragging it out of him later.
“I’ll help you clean up. How about we play Spoons later with the TV tuned to whatever game’s on in the background?” he suggested.
Everyone agreed on the compromise and was quickly clearing the table. His mother stood at the sink, accepting plates and directing serving dishes to the island to sort, repackage, and refrigerate as needed. With suds clinging to her hands, she looked up and met his eyes after the others had left.
“You doing okay, hon?”
What Could Be (Everyday Love Book 1) Page 19
