A glance through the peep hole revealed a flicker of movement, but not enough to see who the visitor might be. Josh turned the deadbolt and then the lower lock and pulled the heavy old door open.
“Brynn?” he asked in surprise. “What are you doing here?”
His face must have revealed his utter confusion. Brynn seemed a bit nervous, her hands tangling in front of her in their dark gloves and twisting the fringe on the bottom of her scarf. Her lovely eyes flicked up to his.
“Can we talk?”
Josh studied her for a long moment. There was something new in her lovely face. She had always seemed to glow with innocence and light, to him at least, but right now it was like an added layer of effervescence that flowed through her very being. And something thoroughly peaceful.
“Sure.” He reached behind the door for his coat and slipped it over the clothes he’d worn to church.
He motioned for her to join him on the well-worn bench on the front porch. If he invited her in, it might weaken the little resolve he had left to hold himself back and not beg her to be with him. She sat beside him and turned her body so that they were nearly knee-to-knee. Her gaze was steady and sure, her beautiful blue eyes darker than usual like a stormy sky.
“It’s time for you to listen, Josh. You had plenty to say the other night, and then selfishly you just took off before I could even have a chance to explain anything. You made some major assumptions and a pretty big decision and I’m telling you right now that you can’t just do that and then walk away from me. That is not okay.”
He almost laughed at the way she spoke to him like he was a little kid. He’d heard her use that same phrase on her misbehaving kids more than once. She was right, though, and he’d give her a chance to speak her mind, even if it was only 40 degrees out.
Brynn pulled in a deep breath, and he was almost afraid that she was gearing up for a lengthy speech. Almost immediately she released the breath and frowned at him.
“You’re an idiot.”
“Excuse me?” he asked, completely taken aback.
“You heard me. You overheard someone and didn’t clarify the context before making assumptions. Then, you found a stupid piece of paper and let it eat at you for days before telling me that you’re falling for me but are going to walk away because it’s the right thing to do?! For who?!”
She rose to her feet and started pacing the little slab of concrete that barely passed for a front porch. Her movements were tight, her feet making a gritty sound as they shuffled back and forth. It felt like an eternity before she set a determined look to her face and her eyes met his squarely.
“Do you know how much God has been working on me to remove my dependence on that list? The only reason you found it was because I had been looking it over that morning, giving it to God in prayer and realizing how stupid it was! I only ever made that stupid list because back when I was a teenager I felt like it helped me keep my focus on my future and not get distracted by hormones! I was trying to be a good little Christian girl, praying for my future husband and holding firm to my purity.
“But while those are good things in spirit…in practicality, they became an idol that ended up getting thrown in my face not once, but twice! It took me this long to really get it—that my future is in the Lord’s hands, and everything else will fall into place. I was using a piece of paper as armor, when God is my defender.”
Josh spoke up quietly, “Even so, you wouldn’t have written all that stuff down if it wasn’t what you truly wanted.”
“That’s where you’re wrong! I didn’t know what I wanted!” She stopped in her pacing and looked directly into his eyes again. The earnestness he saw there made his whole body tighten like a stretched rubber band. “I wrote down what I thought I wanted, what I thought would be best for me, what I thought I should want. I didn’t ask God what He wanted for me. Not really.”
“But I’ve been asking that a whole lot lately,” she added in a much softer tone.
“And?” he asked, still a little confused by the whole thing.
“Actually, tonight, I remembered some verses in Isaiah about how His ways are not our ways, His thoughts aren’t our thoughts—they’re better.
“I think I know which part of that list hurt you, Josh. I can’t even begin to tell you how sorry I am that you ever saw that stupid list. All along, I should have remembered that God tends to see when I’m doing my own thing without him and then he shows up with something totally the opposite—but it’s always better. Sure, for a long time I felt like I’d earned my purity—so if I had been waiting until marriage for sex, then anyone I’d consider marrying should, too. But, Josh—,” she paused and pointedly looked into his eyes.
“I think we’ve both failed to remember that ‘all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.’ So…, if we’ve all fallen short, does it really matter what the sin is that’s taken us down? If our sins are all truly washed white as snow in Christ, then do any of our mistakes before the moment of our salvation even matter anymore? How am I, who have known Christ my whole life and still sinned, any better than someone who didn’t know any better? If anything, I should be held more accountable for my mistakes. But thankfully, for all of us, God’s accounting doesn’t work that way. Do you get what I’m saying?”
Josh was trying to keep up with her as she paced. He could follow her logic, and her theology was pretty sound. He wanted to tell her that he’d already begun to understand.
“You’re talking about forgiveness and grace. But—”
She interrupted him. “But nothing. You’ve been forgiven, and we all need grace. I don’t know yet if you’re The One, Josh, but I’m okay with that. God will take care of my future. Right now, I just need to tell you that it’s time to get over yourself, accept his forgiveness, know that grace has covered all of your past, and that I am not going to back away from this thing between us unless God himself tells me to. You are a good man, Josh. A very good man. And I—”
The moment she’d told him to get over himself, Josh had to hold back a joyous laugh. And then when she emphatically announced he was a good man, it was over. He just had to interrupt her personal preacher moment. He practically flew off the bench, grabbed her into his arms, and crushed his lips to hers.
He could feel her stiffen in shock the moment their lips met. Instantly, she relaxed in his arms and began returning his kiss. Her arms crept up his chest, over his shoulders, and around his neck as he deepened the kiss, pouring every ounce of passion and feeling and all the words he’d left unspoken into it. The unbridled power of it far surpassed the many, many times he’d imagined what kissing Brynn would be like. With every second that passed, he felt as renewed as when he’d been baptized. God was using this incredible woman to remind him that he was forgiven and made white as snow by the gift of His Son. And she was amazing, a gift from God.
He slowly broke the kiss and met her gaze. In her expressive sapphires, he could see all of his own feelings reflected—grace, adoration, hope, and so much more.
“I’m sorry for interrupting you,” he grinned.
“I’m not,” she grinned back.
“Thank you,” he swallowed hard before continuing, “For spelling it all out for me. You know, actually, God was already working in me about all of that this morning. I’ve been here stewing all day, trying to make myself acknowledge that my will isn’t necessarily God’s will.”
He ran a flyaway section of her hair between his fingers and gave her his sideways dimpled grin. “You know, I already planned to make things right with you. God already kicked my butt this morning. I know I let my own insecurities get in the way of our friendship and I pushed you away.”
He tilted her chin up and gently pecked her lips. “I won’t be doing that again, okay?”
Her smile lit up her whole face and her eyes went from their glassy post-kiss haze to playful. His body temperature kicked up a notch.
“You better not, buster,” she said in a mocking to
ugh-girl voice as she stabbed a finger into his sternum.
His arms circled around her in a tight embrace and she rested her head against him. She fit perfectly there, as if she’d been designed for exactly that spot. Or maybe, he’d been designed to hold her this way? Who knows.
All Josh knew was that in this moment, he felt more at home than he’d ever felt with anyone. He knew, without a doubt, right then, that he’d do anything it took to prove to Brynn for the rest of his life that he could be worthy of her.
Brynn
This is him.
Brynn could hear the voice in her head as if it had been spoken aloud. The tiny hairs on the back of her neck and all along her arms stood at attention as the words repeated.
This is him.
Her spirit confirmed the voice of her Father’s spirit, recognizing it as clearly as she would her earthly father’s voice. In that blissful second, with the taste of Josh’s kiss still on her lips, she fully realized the truth she’d always believed. When God showed her The One, she would just know.
Now she knew.
Wrapped in Josh’s arms, she lifted her face to peer into his eyes once more. She saw so much in the depths of those gorgeous gold-flecked spheres. She saw her future, her hopes, her dreams. She saw a worthy, God-honoring partner.
But most of all, she saw love.
Epilogue
Brynn crossed the stage as her name was called in the small College of Education graduation ceremony. Her hard work had finally paid off.
Her eyes searched the crowded auditorium, filled with friends and family of the graduates. Finally, she spotted Brendan, standing in his seat and waving a large cellophane wrapped bouquet above his head. She couldn’t have contained her grin if she’d tried.
Surrounding him were Josh, her parents, her brother Trey, Jenna, and Josh’s parents. Nearby she found Gina, Caleb, and their significant others. They all wore proud smiles and the sight of them all set her heart ablaze.
After the last of the names had been announced, the final words of every speech spoken, caps tossed and caught, her favorite people all flocked to her and the emotion of it all clogged her throat and made her stomach tighten.
That, or it was a serious case of Braxton-Hicks.
Josh’s eyes narrowed as they met hers in unspoken analysis. After four years together, he could read her better than anyone else and know what was going on in her head before she said a word.
Their unspoken conversation had him raising an eyebrow in challenge. Is it time? She shook her head and mouthed, not yet.
Relief washed over his pale face and she laughed out loud. Silly man. He finally managed to nudge his way past her parents and the others hugging her with words of congratulations and praise for a job well done. His warm breath sent delicious chills down her spine as he whispered, “I’m so proud of you.”
She looked up into those familiar eyes that she loved so much and with the press of his kiss was immediately transported back to the day she’d married him. After a year of dating, he’d proposed the Christmas before her first college graduation, and they’d married that following summer. He’d teased her about making sure they stuck as close to her original life goal time line as possible. Apparently, that was yet another one of her ridiculous lists he’d found in that blasted spiral.
After that, she’d threatened to rip apart and burn the notebook, to which he’d replied in no uncertain terms was she to do that. It was too big a part of their story, he’d said.
Instead, she’d opened the notebook to a fresh page and dated it with their wedding date. She’d scrawled “Life Goals Together” across the top and then slammed the book closed. At his confused expression, she’d explained, “We are leaving this sucker blank to remember that it’s not in our hands.” He’d kissed her thoroughly, and then they’d…. Well, it had been an amazing wedding night, followed by a honeymoon well worth the wait, to say the least.
Brendan pushed through the crowd of well-wishers and flung his arms around her hugely expanded middle. At nearly ten, he’d lost some of that puppy-like exuberance and made her heart long fondly for the days he’d wiggled and bounced and flung his arms around her knees. He was getting so big, so fast.
“That was awesome, Momma! You’re going to be the best teacher, ever.” His grin was the same as ever, with that adorable single-dimple that was surely going to bring all the girls flocking in a few short years.
She still couldn’t get over that he called her Momma. The night she and Josh had come home from the honeymoon, he’d asked her if it was okay. She hadn’t even been able to answer through the lump in her throat. When Josh had tried to patiently explain to him how his mother might feel about it, Brendan had sweetly replied that his mother would always be Mom, but Brynn was going to be his Momma. There hadn’t even been a question in his mind. Skye didn’t seem to have much opinion about the matter, so Brynn had allowed it. Relished it, actually.
Her stomach squeezed again. This time it was much more pronounced. And it was starting to hurt, radiating all around her middle and deep in her back. Maybe this wasn’t so much Braxton-Hicks as labor.
Josh looked at her pained expression and squeezed her hand. She nodded and massaged her lower back as she breathed through the pain.
They hadn’t really planned to have a baby while she was working on her Master’s, but, as usual, God’s plan was always different than their own. At least the little stinker had waited for its momma to officially graduate before deciding to make his or her appearance.
Josh announced to the group it was time for a change of venue, nodding at her ridiculously huge belly and grinning his face off proudly while everyone’s faces registered what was happening and began their fussing.
In the commotion surrounding her, Brynn couldn’t keep the smile off her face. She didn’t know if this baby would be a boy or a girl. She didn’t know if she’d deliver naturally, get an epidural, or end up needing a cesarean. She didn’t know if she’d start teaching next fall or decide to stay home with the kids. She didn’t know if they’d have more right away or wait awhile. She had no idea what their future held.
What she did know was that once she stopped trying to put everything in her life into neat little lists, everything fell perfectly into place.
Sure, she was still a major over-thinker. But with this amazing bunch of people in her life and Josh forever by her side, she was able to stop planning out how everything should be and simply enjoy what could be.
About the Author
Jaycee Weaver lives in Albuquerque, New Mexico, with her amazing husband, three daughters, and a crazy shih-tzu named Oscar. When she’s not writing, she’s probably in hot pursuit of her 90 million other hobbies or shuttling the kids around all over creation. Jaycee loves to read books in multiple genres, drink coffee by the gallon (honestly, when are they going to make the coffee patch, coffee IV, or a Camelbak for coffee a real thing?!), sing, take landscape and floral photos, sew (anything but clothing), cook (inventing surprisingly good, nutritious stuff on the fly is her specialty), bake, and craft just about anything (can we say Pinterest?). She’s also a substitute teacher, PTA board member, and all of the other jobs your average WAHM home CEO does (thanks to the home CFO for making it all possible. Seriously, you’re the best ever, babe). In her spare time, she might also have a few too many shows waiting in her Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon queues and tries to make time for the gym. Like Brynn, she’s finally learned to control the incessant need for lists. She considers herself a recovering perfectionist and sometimes hot mess. She does her best to live her faith in action, being open, honest, and real and letting God be Lord over the good, the bad, and the ugly even when it’s hard.
You can follow Jaycee on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/jayceeweaver/ or on Amazon. Or both. Take your pick. And if you really liked this book, please take a minute to leave a review on Amazon and/or Goodreads. And then go share her Facebook page with your friends. Now. Seriously, go be awesome and help a girl
out. Authors are nothing without their readers!
Acknowledgements
Thank you to my amazing family for all of the love, encouragement, and support as I’ve been writing, editing, rewriting, re-editing, creating covers, editing photos, and otherwise getting distracted by this project. You are all my favorites. Eric, thank you for all that you do for our family and all the ways you complete me. You are all of the best parts of Josh AND Caleb and so, so much more. To Roo, Zu, and Lu, you girls with the silly nicknames are just getting too big, too fast, and I could not be prouder of the young women you are becoming. I pray that God will keep you in the palm of his hand always, and that you will all live your lives for His glory.
Thank you to Molly, best friend extraordinaire, who has known me since sixth grade and never left my side, even when we’ve been separated by hundreds of miles. Thank you for being my very first reader, my first fan, and loudest supporter (you know you are the loudest…everything…and I love you for it). Your input, teasing, and ideas have made all the difference. There’s no one I love talking about fictional characters as if they were real people with more than you, lady.
To my mom and sister, I say thank you for reading and being honest when things worked and when they didn’t. Thank you for being there when I needed to bounce ideas, consult on covers, talk out scenes and changes. You’re both so important to me and I love you. So much. (Daddy, too.)
My soul sister Nicole and precious friend Amber, thank you both also for being among my earliest readers and sharing your excitement with me. Shanni P, I miss your face and your comments and feedback were a tremendous help to me. Shannon G, thank you for answering my research questions and sharing in my joy for this project. You ladies have all been a huge blessing and I treasure your friendship.
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