Bailey
“How’s Shayna doing?” It took me all week to build up the courage to ask Tammy that question. She clumsily leans up from Tony’s chest. The table in front of them is loaded with empty shot glasses and beer cans. Both of them are shitfaced.
“She’s good.” Tammy glares at me, narrowing her eyes.
“She busy? I notice she doesn’t come here with you to hang out with everyone.”
“Well, she has a job and a boyfriend, so yeah, she’s busy.”
A boyfriend? I control my expression to not show that I’m affected by this.
“Why, Kid, don’t you have a girlfriend, too? Where’s Marybeth tonight?” Tammy laughs, slurring her words a little bit.
“Good one, babe,” Tony chimes in, pouring back a shot of some cheap whiskey. I’m so sick of being the butt of everyone’s joke. Plenty of the people around here have done more than their fair of stupid shit. Why am I the only one who’s ever called out on it?
“That’s big talk coming from a guy who spends a lot of time down at Delilah’s, paying to have girls grind their asses in his lap.” My brazen statement wipes the cocky grin right off both of their faces. I storm out of the kitchen before either of them has a chance to reply.
I should have thought that through better before I sacked up and ran my mouth. Picking up the pace, I jog down the street to my house. Tony’s drunk but that might only fuel his rage at what I just said.
Dad’s sitting in the shadows on his rocker. I drag a plastic lawn chair across the wooden front porch and join him for a quick smoke. We sit in silence while I once again think about all the things I wish I could talk to him about.
The glowing tree across the street attracts my dad’s gaze.
“Does that tree make you think about Marissa?” I ask him.
He takes a thoughtful drag on his cigarette, holding the smoke in his lungs before finally exhaling. “Makes me think about a lot of things, Son.” He grunts, getting up from the chair and going into the house, leaving me alone on the porch. Sadly, that’s the most he’s said to me in a long time.
The outline of a person comes into view, walking down the street. I jump up, ready to defend myself. If this is Tony, I’m fucked. As the form gets closer, I see it’s too small to be Tony. Releasing my tense pose, I sit back down in my chair. My eyes still closely honed in on the approaching person, I’m alerted when the figure stops at my car, lifting up one of the wipers.
“Hey, what the hell are you doing to my car?” I yell out, frightening the person, who shrieks, backing away. It’s a girl. I’m up on my feet and running over to see who’s messing with my car.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t see you there. I wasn’t doing anything bad.” Shayna steps into the light from one of the two working streetlamps on this street that’s yet to be broken.
“Shayna, hey, I didn’t know it was you,” I say, stepping over to her. She folds up a small square of paper and shoves it in her pocket.
“Hi, Bailey, I was just going to stop by Tony’s. I figured I’d come down and stop by the tree first and then I saw your car and I didn’t realize you were out here.” She rubs her hands down the front of her jeans.
“How’d you get here?”
“I walked.”
“You walked all the way from Tammy’s? Isn’t that kind of far?” It’s late. What is she doing walking the streets at night just to come here?
“I needed to clear my head, so it wasn’t too bad.”
She’s acting all weird, fidgeting nervously, avoiding looking at me. I’m missing something. Why was she by my car? The paper she hid, was that some kind of note she wrote me? Oh, wait, I see what’s going on.
“Don’t you have a new boyfriend?” I ask, before I let myself get too hopeful.
“No, no boyfriend for me. What about you, are you seeing anyone?” She bites down on her nail like she’s scared for me to answer.
“I’m not seeing anyone.” A confident grin stretches across my face. “If you’re here looking for me to take you back to the beach, just say so. I have no problem doing that night over again.”
“Yeah, I wouldn’t be so sure about that,” she mumbles under her breath. She takes the paper out from her pocket and unfolds it. “Um, I was leaving you my number to call or send a text. I just wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Well then it’s a good thing I caught you because I’m not really a phone person.” I light up a smoke and lean back on my car, crossing my arms. All this time I’d been thinking about her, she’d been doing the same thing about me. “I don’t even own a phone.”
“You don’t have a phone?”
I know she probably doesn’t believe me. Most people don’t when I tell them. What the hell do I need a phone for? Everyone I know lives within walking distance. If work needs me, they can call the house. I think we still got a phone hooked up in the house.
“Nah, a phone is just a big waste of money,” I tell her.
“But cigarettes aren’t?” She comes back sounding rather nasty, then apologizes. “Sorry.”
“So, what is it you want to talk to me about?”
“Nothing. I just wanted . . . ” She shakes her head and sighs. “I just wanted to say hi.” She turns on her heels, walking back in the direction she came from. I’ve been waiting over a month hoping to see her again; I’m not gonna let her just walk away.
“Wait, let me at least drive you back.” I run over, catching up to her. Tonight her hair is pulled back in a ponytail; it’s cute. She has this innocence about her compared to all the girls I’m used to. Most of the girls I know are just looking for a quick good time. Yeah, we did have sex, but still, I don’t think she’s like the others. It’s why I can’t stop thinking about her.
She continues with the fidgets, pulling her hands up into that same flannel she had on last time. “All right, if you’re sure you don’t mind.”
I hold my car door open and enjoy watching her round ass in tight jeans as she climbs over my seat. She buckles her seatbelt, her thumbs popping out from her sleeves, and she begins gnawing at her nails.
It takes my car a couple of tries before the engine turns over. We’re about to pull out when it stalls. A quick glance under the hood and I’m able to temporarily fix the problem. Tomorrow I’ll need a better look. I slam down the hood and glance at her through the windshield. I wait till she looks up and give her a wink. Her head drops back down. I don’t even get a smile.
“How’s your job going?” I start off the conversation asking about her. I know girls appreciate that sorta thing.
“Good.”
“You like it?”
“Yeah.” Another one word response from her is all I get. I’m not sure what to say next.
It’s so quiet. I roll down the window, filling the car with the sound of swooshing air. She pushes the button on her side in an attempt to roll hers down, as well. Nothing happens but she still keeps trying, frustrated like if she pushes hard enough it will work.
“It’s busted. Everything on that door is,” I say, looking over and noticing how anxious she still seems. At first I thought it had to do with being shy seeing me again, now I’m picking up on a weird vibe like it might be something more. I thought her coming by meant she was interested in me, but she doesn’t seem all that interested at all.
“Thanks for the ride,” she says, as I pull up in front Tammy’s building.
I put the car in park but leave it running. “How about I come inside and we can spend a little time together?” I offer, grabbing for one of her firm thighs and giving it a squeeze.
“No way,” she responds, lifting my hand from her leg and dropping it into my lap. Her seatbelt snaps back into place and she looks like she’s ready to bolt the second I get out of her way.
“Okay, hang on just a minute here. You’re the one who came to see me tonight, was ready to leave me a note saying you wanted to talk. Now I’m here with you, driving you home, and you barely got a damn thing to say to m
e. Why the hell are you acting all crazy?” I rest my hand on the steering wheel and laugh. “You didn’t come looking for me to tell me I knocked you up or anything?” I continue laughing, waiting for her to join in. Her expression only sours and she turns her head away from me.
“Shayna, I was kidding. Don’t even fucking tell me that’s why you really came looking for me tonight. That shit ain’t funny.” I reach for a smoke and light up with a shaky hand.
“I took a test, two tests. They were both positive,” she says, twisting her hands.
I lean my arm out the open window, flicking the ash. She’s joking. This is some big mistake. Stay calm. There’s just no way I could’ve gotten her pregnant. Someone else did. “Okay, well, I’m sorry about that, but what the hell do you want me to do? It’s not mine.”
“It’s yours, Bailey. I’ve never been with anyone else,” she practically whispers.
“Sure, I was your first and only,” I spit out sarcastically, even though deep down I know she’s telling the truth. I knew I was her first that night. Still, I can’t hold back from saying more hurtful things as her words begin to sink in, because something like this just can’t be true. “I highly doubt I was your first. I mean, you let me fuck you the second night I knew you.”
“I let you fuck me? Hmm, I’m pretty sure your exact words were, ‘Can I make love to you?’” She stiffens her spine, firing back, and her whole demeanor changes. “And I can assure you this is your baby, but don’t worry, I don’t expect you to do a God damn thing.”
Wrapping my hands into a tight fist, I use the strength of my thumbs to crack my knuckles. “That’s bullshit, Shayna, you knew we were pretending and all that love stuff was just a game.” I slam both fists into the steering wheel. “Dammit, here I thought you were different and it turns out you’re just some big whore after all.” The floor has been taken out from under me; I feel like I’m falling. The only thing I can reach for is rage. “What’d ya do? Get knocked up in Ohio and then come down here so you could pin it on some chump like me?”
Her mouth hangs open and then she closes it tightly, her eyes are like two daggers tearing into me. “Yes, you caught me. I did. I got pregnant and then I came to Florida looking for the poorest excuse for a man I could find. So I chose you. A high school dropout who pumps gas and still lives at home with his parents, a guy with no phone, no money, and a piece of shit car. It’s a great fucking plan, isn’t it? Maybe we can work it out so you can pay child support in Marlboros.”
“Child support? That’s great. That’s just fucking wonderful.” I’m blinded. I’m not even sure what’s coming out of my mouth right now. I step out of the car and slam the door shut with violent force. My fists crash onto the roof of the car. This is like some nightmare I’m trapped in and I can’t wait to wake up from. Did she really just say child support? The door nearly flies off the hinges when I fling it back open and drop back into the driver’s seat. I clutch the steering wheel, my knuckles stretching into white, afraid I might rip it from the column. “So, you’re keeping it? Is that what you’re saying?”
“I’m not sure.” She gets choked up, tears already streaming down her face. “I can’t . . . I don’t know what I’m going to do,” she stammers. “But don’t worry, I don’t expect anything from you. You don’t need to be a part of this.”
My jaw clenches and a discouraging chuckle sputters out. “If you don’t expect anything from me, then why did ya come looking for me? Why’d ya even tell me?”
She catches a tear with the side of her sleeve and sniffs. “I don’t have anyone else to tell.”
Chapter Seven
Shayna
I read the schedule pinned up outside the office three times. My hours were cut. I’m only on the schedule twice this week. Corey hangs his head guiltily as he walks past me. This is his way of getting back at me for ending whatever it was we had. It hurts like hell. I was really falling for him. What sucks even more is that he likes me, too. Not that it matters. He’s not going to date some eighteen-year-old girl carrying another guy’s baby.
I’m afraid to tell Tammy. If I do, she might make me leave. Having me in her cramped apartment is one thing; adding a screaming baby will not work. Plus, if I tell her, she’ll want to know who the father is. I’m not ready for that. It might just make her more upset. Her whole group of friends will think her cousin is some whore. She’d probably hate me.
I’m so screwed.
I need every cent I can get and my hours were just cut. I need a home and I’m not sure how much longer I’m going to have one. I need options and I have none.
Well . . . I have one.
Tears come rushing to my eyes. I run into the ladies room, hiding out in the stall. I can’t do that. There has to be another way. I punch my fists into the side of my head. Think. You have to think of another way. You have to. Let’s see, I can get another job. I can apply for welfare. I can leave my kid home alone while I go out living my life. And I can talk shit about the child’s deadbeat father every chance I get. I can give this child the exact same life as me — an empty life with no purpose.
The door opens and Gina’s voice carries over the stall door. “You okay, Shayna?”
“Yeah, I’m just blowing my nose.” It’s the truth. I toss the wad of toilet paper I used for clearing up my running nose and flush.
“We need you out there, think you can hurry up?”
“I’m coming right now.” I exit the stall and walk over to the sinks, splashing cold water on my face.
Gina gives me a sympathetic look. “Is this because of Corey?”
Whatever we had wasn’t as secretive as I thought. I nod my head yes just to keep her from asking any other questions. I can’t let her know why I’m really crying.
“Fuck em’. There’s a million better guys in Florida; you don’t want to be stuck with some asshole like him, anyway.”
“Yeah, I definitely don’t want to be stuck.” I push out a big fake smile. Meanwhile, if she only knew.
The night drags on endlessly. The coffee smell still makes me nauseas. Life makes me nauseas. At the end of my shift, I run into the back to grab my purse, ready to get the hell out there. All I want is to climb into bed and cry myself to sleep.
“Shayna, I can give you a ride home if you’d like,” Corey offers. He’s done a good job ignoring me all night, making sure I feel like shit, and I want to tell him where he can stick his offer.
“That’d be great.” I smile instead. Maybe if I’m nice to him, I’ll get my hours back.
Stepping outside, the air has a chill, much cooler than usual. Corey offers me his jacket for extra warmth, but I insist he keep it, that I’m fine.
“Sorry for cutting your shifts like I did,” he says, holding the passenger side door open for me. “I’m just confused. I thought you and I were hitting it off. I really like you. I don’t understand why you’re blowing me off all of a sudden.” He tries to meet my eyes, but I keep my head lowered so he can’t. The door shuts and he runs around to the other side and slumps into the driver’s side seat.
I put pressure on my forehead, trying to rub away some of the stress I feel. My heart sinks. The way he acted tonight, cutting my hours, it’s only because he has feelings for me. What do I tell him?
“I like you a lot,” I say, pushing down on a button that actually lowers my window. “But I just have some personal issues going on in my life that I need to deal with right now.”
“Anything I can help you with?” His attention is focused on me, concerned and caring. He hasn’t even started the car yet, waiting to make sure I’m okay. If I hadn’t been so stupid that night on the beach, things could be so much different right now. I could be in this car getting kissed by a guy who actually likes me. I could be going on actual dates and doing all of the things I dreamt of doing. I’m unable to speak. Tears are the only response I’m capable of.
“It’s okay, you don’t need to tell me. If you ever want to talk, though, I’m here.” Core
y rubs his hand on my shoulder and gives it a gentle squeeze. “I’m going to give you back all of your hours. Again, I’m really sorry for doing that. My pride is what made me act like an ass.”
He drops me off in front of the building and gets out of the car to walk me to the main door. I reach out to him for a hug. He holds onto me tight and it feels so good, I don’t want to let go. Once I do, I’m letting go of all that could’ve been. I’m not saying he was the one, but maybe he was. I’ll never know. He was a step in the right direction. The direction I wanted. Acting like a true gentleman, he waits until I’m safely inside before driving away.
The apartment is empty, a note from Tammy taped to the counter. I left the car if you want to come hang out at Tony’s. Without hesitating, I crumple the note and toss it right into the garbage.
I change out of my work clothes and into my comfy PJ’s. On the floor I notice the purple shell I found on the beach. It must have fallen out of my suitcase when I took out my pajamas. I keep it tucked away for safe keeping; it’s so fragile and I don’t want it to break.
Picking it up gingerly, I run my fingers along the edges; it really is a beautiful shell. I showed it to Tammy and even she was impressed. She said all she ever found was a bunch of broken shells at the beach. But this one really is perfect. Crazy to believe that as I was picking up this shell, some stupid squiggly little sperm was sneaking its way in to ruin my life.
Now, because of that choice I made on the beach, I have to make a decision. A disgusting, life-altering decision. Me, all by myself. I have to decide what to do. Then, I alone have to live with it.
What do I do? I can’t keep this baby. I just can’t do it on my own. It would be impossible. I fucked up. Fuck. My eyes fill and I hurdle the shell across the room. It bounces off the wall, landing with a hard shattering crash against the cheap linoleum floor. I’ve broken the shell, ruined it, the same way I’m about to ruin some poor innocent baby.
“I’m sorry,” I say to the baby growing inside me. “I’m just a stupid teenager, who made a stupid mistake. I don’t think I have any other choice. If I don’t do something.” I can’t even say the word. I break down, continuing my explanation to my belly through my sobs. “Then you’re going to be born and I’m not going to be able to give you anything. And I know if I do this I’m going to hate myself, but I’d rather hate myself then give you some horrible life and have you hate me.”
Panic (The Flaw Series) Page 15
