When I got home from work that night, we were able to compare notes. Bailey informed me they had worked it out. Mr. Wasserstein finally agreed to take his wife out more after she went and packed a bag. Then they stayed in and he heard noises that weren’t coming from the TV. We both shuddered at the thought. They’re old, that’s gross.
It made us realize they could probably hear us, too. Last night I controlled myself and was extra quiet.
We don’t really bring up the baby like we used to. Things have been so good that we just kind of acknowledge her with rubs to my tummy. We don’t really ever talk about her. Bringing her up always changes the mood between us. We’ve got less than three months until she’ll be here and she doesn’t even have a name yet.
The walk to work isn’t so bad. Maybe if I was still in Ohio and the weather was starting to get chilly it would be. Every once in a while I’m a few minutes late. Thankfully, today I was right on time.
The store is slow for a Thursday night. There’s a new girl behind the counter with me, Skylar. She displays her fake nails and asks what I think. This week she got a “glitter French.”
“It costs forty bucks,” she tells me, bragging. “Before tip. And I’m a really good tipper. That’s why she always takes me right away if I break a nail or something. They love me at that place.”
Skylar is one of those girls who loves to drop dollar amounts. She gets a new shirt, instead of asking, like my new shirt? She’ll ask, like my new thirty-five dollar shirt? It’s annoying. I kind of hate her.
“You know my friend Meg who I told you about once?” she asks, and of course I don’t. This girl talks nonstop. I couldn’t possibly keep up with every person and name she mentions. I shake my head no and sigh.
“Well, she’s the big fat one. She had a baby, too. But she was older than you are. And oh my God, she’s huge. Never lost the weight, looks gross. Somehow, though, she still managed to get herself a new man and now she’s pregnant again. Isn’t that disgusting?” She waves her glittery acrylics, excuse me, gel manicure, repulsed.
“What happened to her other baby and the dad?” I don’t why she is telling me this story or worse, why I’m asking.
“The other baby likes lives with her mom or something. And the father of her baby was such a loser. Before that baby was born he was all like, ‘I’m gonna love you forever, girl’ and then that baby came and he didn’t stay around long enough for the cord to fall off. He was all like, ‘bye bitch.’” The smug grin that she ends the story with tops it off.
How do you respond to a story like that? By crying? I won’t give her the satisfaction. I step away from the counter and grab a full-size bag of Doritos. I take the chips and the five dollar bill I have in my pocket back up to the counter. She scans them, confused. “What are you doing?”
“I’m hungry. I’m going on break,” I say evenly.
“You already went on break. You don’t get another break.”
“Well, I’m taking one.” I grab my change and the receipt.
“So while you’re back there cramming chips down your throat, what am I supposed to do?”
I’m already walking away. The bag is already opened and my mouth is filled. “Why don’t you take your forty dollar nails and shove them up your ass. Don’t forget to tip yourself.”
By the time I reach the back room, I’m raging. Corey steps out of the stock room, running right into me. “Whoa, what’s going on? You look purple. Is everything okay?”
I shove more Doritos in my mouth and shake my head no. Corey puts his arm around my shoulder and ushers me into the office, shutting the door behind us.
“Talk to me,” he says, seating me in the comfy desk chair. He’s in tan pants with an ironed crease. His collared uniform shirt is pressed and neat. He rests his butt on the corner of the desk and gives me his full attention.
I finish chewing and swallow. “I’m pregnant. I’m fat. Bailey is probably going to leave once the baby comes. I’ll be gross looking. I’ll probably meet someone else and get pregnant again.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s what Skylar just said.” I roll up the bag of chips, completely regretting that I just spent what I did on them.
“Skylar said that?” Corey gets up from the desk, ready to go out there.
“No, no, no.” I grab his wrist to stop him. “She said it happened to her friend. I just took it to mean me. She’s probably going to say something and please don’t be mad, but I told her to shove her nails up her butt.” He looks back down at me, relaxing against the desk, trying to cover his grin.
“Shayna, don’t worry. That story is not you.”
“My plan was to go back to school in the fall, not have a baby,” I say.
“All right, so you just hold off a little bit before going back to school.”
“You know as well as I do that’s never going to happen. I’ll be lucky if I’m able to keep up with my hours at this stupid place.” I toss my hand up, swirling it around.
“You told me Bailey’s been great, helping out. Has that changed?”
“No, but do I even really know Bailey that well?” I ask, wiping my hands on my pants. “If I hadn’t gotten pregnant I probably wouldn’t have ever seen him again. I would probably be with someone else, having a normal teenage life. Not this.” I rest my hands on top of my enlarged stomach. “When I found out I was pregnant,” I glance down at the floor, “I was dating you.”
The room is quiet until I reach back over for the chips. The bag crinkles as I open it up slowly. I haven’t had Doritos in a million years and they are freaking heaven. Nacho cheese heaven.
Corey rubs the outline of his jaw. “I want to tell you something and I don’t want you to get upset. I’ve wanted to share this with you for a while but never really knew how to bring it up.” He pauses. “My sister was pregnant a few years back. She was about your age when it happened. She was panicked. She didn’t even tell my parents until she was basically forced to. Her boyfriend was a real nice guy and they were together for almost two years when it happened. But they weren’t ready.”
“What did they do?” I lick the orange dust from my fingers.
“They made a decision to place the baby up for adoption. They went through an agency, met a wonderful couple. They had a little boy and . . . ”
“They gave him away.” I cut him off. “Your sister and her boyfriend didn’t want him so they just gave him away.”
“No, it wasn’t that they didn’t want him. It was that they wanted more for him,” he says, emphasizing the word more.
His solution is to just give the baby away to some strangers. Never. I stand up and tuck the bag of chips under my arm. “Okay, thank you very much. Tonight has just been one fucking wonderful story after another. Can I just go home please?” I push up off the desk and toddle across the room.
“I didn’t mean to upset you. I’m only telling you so you know you still have options. I’m not telling you that you should place your baby up for adoption. Just that if it’s something you might want to know more about, you could talk with my sister, ask questions or whatever.”
“Can I go home or not?” I stamp my foot impatiently, facing the back of the office door.
“Yes,” he says from behind me.
“Am I fired?” I ask, before turning the handle. My behavior tonight has been a little irrational; even though I feel a little entitled by these two horrid conversations that have taken place.
“No, of course not. And Shayna, I know you’re angry right now. But if you need to talk about anything, I’m here.”
He means if I change my mind and want to give my baby to complete strangers. Lovely. I grab my belongings and get the hell out there. I don’t even look in Skylar’s direction as I go flying past her.
I take my time walking home. I don’t how I’m going to explain to Bailey why I’m home so early. Cutting out on hours I so desperately need. Do I tell him about the conversations that took place ton
ight or not? Will they just upset him?
The stressing I do is for no reason. Bailey’s not home when I get up to our apartment. I wait up for him. He probably just had something to do and forgot to mention it. Another hour passes and he still isn’t home. I’d call him if I could, but he still doesn’t have a phone. Maybe he’s gone for good? There’s nothing stopping him from leaving. He can just go. I wouldn’t be able to stop him. I’m not even sure I would blame him.
I pick up the beautiful shell that sits on my dresser and place it on top of my belly. Sleep is not coming easy. I keep wondering if Bailey has left for good. I also keep thinking back to the conversations at work, replaying them over and over in my mind. Were they fucked up or spot on?
The baby is moving a little more than usual, probably from all the Doritos. The shell on top of my belly moves from a tiny kick. This shell was there the night she was conceived. It was also what helped me with making a big decision when I first found out I was pregnant. This perfect, beautiful shell. I pick it up like it contains some kind of magic. Just like that, it comes to me. I know what I want to name her. Michelle. I want “shell” to be part of her name.
Something else becomes clear to me in this moment as well.
“I want more for you, Michelle,” I say to her.
Bailey
As soon as I walk into Tony’s house, I light up. Funny how filling my lungs with smoke makes me feel like I can breathe easier.
It turns out the second job I picked up at the auto parts store was just seasonal. At least that’s what they informed me today. I didn’t want to be there when Shayna got in. I knew things were going a little too good. What do I do now? Go home and tell her we’re back to scraping the bottom again?
“Get the fuck out of here, Kid, is that you?” Tony grabs onto my shoulder, squeezing down firmly. “Where the hell have you been?”
“I moved. I got a place and I’ve been working my nuts off.” A beer gets handed to me and I take it.
Tammy comes up from behind and squeezes her arms around Tony’s middle. “Where the hell have you been?” she asks, eyeing me up and down.
“Actually, funny you should ask that. I’ve been living in your old place.” I guzzle down the beer, looking around to see where I can get another one.
“My old place?” She startles back. “What are you doing living there? What happened to my cousin?”
“Oh, she’s still there. We live together. It just seemed convenient and everything, ya know, being I knocked her up.”
“What the hell are you talking about?” Tammy releases her grip on Tony and steps closer to me. “Shane is pregnant?”
“Yup. Remember when you guys dumped her off on me the first night she arrived, and then the second time you brought her back, well, you just left her. Yeah, um, we fucked.” I see a mess of beers sitting on the counter and I grab one. Tony and Tammy just watch me as I down it in front of them. “So, now, we live in your old shithole place. Barely getting by. She’s like out to here.” I motion holding my hand out far in front of me. “But she still works every hour she can get. She even has to walk to work most of the time, because I’m not always around to drive her. I gotta work my ass off, too. But today I was just let go from one of my shitty jobs. So, I’ll have more free time, although I’m not sure what we’re gonna do. Good news, though, it’s a girl.” I reach for my pack of smokes. “Oh and we’re still fucking.”
“You worthless piece of shit.” Tammy spits at me. “What the fuck did you do to my cousin?”
“Um, actually, I think you’re the one who’s worthless. You took her in and in almost no time, you packed up your shit and you left her. At least I’m doing what I can to help her out.”
Tammy looks over at Tony, who holds up his hands, backing away to stay out of it.
“I wouldn’t have left if I’d known she was pregnant. Why didn’t she tell me? I would have helped her.” Tammy voice is small.
“I don’t know, maybe to protect me. Maybe she didn’t want you to feel like you had to help her. Maybe she knew you probably wouldn’t.” I feel satisfaction when Tammy starts to cry. I wanted my words to sting and I succeeded.
Over these last few months nothing’s changed over here. All these selfish jackasses are the same. Me, the young one, the Kid, I’m the only one who’s made changes and at least attempted to grow up. I might still be a fuck up, but at least I can say I tried.
A beer in one hand, a cigarette in the other. If I’m trying, what the fuck am I doing back here? Running away from my troubles? It isn’t possible. I need to go home.
Even after only a couple of beers, I refuse to drive. I walk down to my parents to crash for a little while. My dad’s on the porch, a cigarette dangles between his lips. I haven’t seen him in months.
“You back?” It comes out in one of his throaty grunts. He’s barely over forty years old and he looks about a hundred. He knocked up my mom when she was young, too. History is repeating itself all over again. Looking at him is like getting a glimpse into my future.
“Just for the night,” I say. “If that’s all right.”
He nods. Streams of smoke flow from his nostrils. “Your mom’s gone. Packed up and left. Don’t know where.”
“When did she leave? Did she say anything? Did she say anything about me before she left?”
“’Bout a month ago.” He shakes his head no. “She ain’t said nothing when she left.”
Mom was miserable. And not just because of Marissa, she was always sad. The Marissa thing just pushed her over the edge.
She left without even to say goodbye me. I wonder if she even tried.
There’s no bed in my old room anymore. I spend the night lying in Marissa’s old bed, staring at the ceiling. This room haunts me. This whole fucking house haunts me.
It was like a jail we were all sentenced to. Mom finally escaped it. In a fucked up way, Marissa did, too. I broke out, but went where? To another cell across town, one even shittier than this one. I’ve got my very own set of prisoners now. How long till Shayna wants to escape? Or me? Can I really play hard working baby daddy for the next eighteen years?
It doesn’t matter. I have to.
Chapter Thirteen
Shayna
I wake up to an empty apartment. He never came home.
I look for busy work. A way to keep my mind away from the fact that Bailey never came home last night. There’s a small pile of clothes that I washed for us. I fold up a pair of my undies. They are uncomfortable just to look at. I’ve grown so much that putting them on is painful. The elastic on the pair I have on now is broken, giving me some relief.
Picking up a pair of Bailey’s boxer briefs to fold next, I’m struck with an idea. I sit down on the chair and slide the stretched out broken undies down, kicking them to the side with my foot. I take Bailey’s boxers and slide them up. I’m able to pull them up over the lower part of my belly. This is so much freaking better. Having underwear that fits feels a million times better. Maybe this is why I was such a bitch last night, because my ‘panties were in a bunch,’ literally. That expression had to come from somewhere.
Bailey should be at work now. When and if he comes home later I’ll be at work. I take the extra burst of energy I feel and decide to throw myself into making the apartment look as nice as possible for him when he gets here. Hopefully tonight he’ll come back and if he does, I want him to come home to this place looking as nice as it can.
I leave the boxers on under my extra-large yellow Wiser’s T-shirt, moving around the apartment, straightening up and scrubbing away at whatever dirt I see. I open the window, letting the gentle breeze air out the place, giving it a fresh sunny smell.
In the early afternoon, the door slams and Bailey walks in. I nearly jump out of my skin, surprised, not just to see that he’s home, but also that he’s home at this time of the day.
“Hey, I was worried about you.” I say it in a light casual tone, not bitchy or accusing. I even smile so he doesn�
�t think I’m mad. If he thinks I’m pissed or upset, it might just make him leave again.
“Sorry, I spent the night at my parent’s house. I had a few beers. I didn’t want to drive home. I couldn’t call ya. Pfft, I don’t even know your number.” His eyes lower down, stopping at the top of my legs. “Are those mine?”
“Sorry,” I pull down on the T-shirt, blushing. “I was just gonna try them on, but they were so comfy I wound up leaving them on. Is this bad?” The tension in the room is so thick. I don’t know what’s going on. He was drinking last night. Now he’s home when he should be at work.
“No, that’s good. You’re using your brain. You and I can share underwear. The baby can wear yours. Good thinking. You are very smart.” He rocks back on heels, sticking a hand into his pocket. He pulls out a cigarette and lights it. Not only smoking again, but smoking inside our tiny apartment. “I knew it when I first met you. Smart, smart, smart. But then you went and did something real dumb. You got all tangled up with me. Dumb, dumb, dumb.” He clicks his teeth and shakes his head, disappointed.
I hold onto my belly protectively. He’s scaring me.
“Shayna, I think it’s about time I tell you a little bit about the women in my life. We’ll start with my mom.” He exhales with a slight cough. “She got pregnant with my sister probably around the same age you are now. She was miserable. I honestly can’t remember a time in my whole life when I actually saw her smile. That was probably because a few years after she had my sister she went and fucked up her life even more by having me.” His hand lands on his chest with a hard thump.
“Then there’s my sister. You wanna know why I never talk about her? Let me tell you. It’s because it seemed like she was gonna have a good life. She was working hard, making plans, had some dreams. But around these parts it’s kind of hard to chase your dreams. Especially when the only things people do around here for fun revolve around guzzling beer and smoking.”
He takes a nice long drag on his cigarette for emphasis. “One night my sister, Marissa, strayed away from the usual beer guzzling at Tony’s. She wanted to go out and celebrate her birthday in style, drink beer at a fancy bar in town. Well, not exactly fancy. It just wasn’t Tony’s.” He drops the cigarette, grinding it with his sneaker into the clean linoleum floor. “Anyway, long story short, she drank, she drove, she didn’t make it home.”
Panic (The Flaw Series) Page 19
