by Cari Quinn
I would be remiss if I didn’t mention the bloggers and reviewers who take the time to read and post reviews. Your support of indie authors helps get the attention of readers we work hard to obtain.
A huge thank you to you, the reader. Without you there would be no one to read my story. I appreciate you taking the time to read it. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did writing it.
Most of all I want to thank our Heavenly Father for providing me with the opportunity to do what I love, write.
Dedication
To my mom.
Thank you for not being a helicopter parent.
I love you.
Chapter One
“Lexi, are you okay?” Delaney snapped a picture that broke me from my incoherent gaze.
“Yes, I’m fine.” I forced a smile to my roommate and good friend since junior year.
“Just thinking of everything that needs to be done in the next few months.”
“Oh, sweetie. I don’t want you stressing yourself over the details,” Mom said, squeezing a hug from behind. “That’s why we hired Melissa, remember? The wedding planner is there to handle all of that so you don’t have to worry.”
I huffed out a breath. “I know, but it’s still a lot that I have to manage and with school—”
“Lexi, if there is anything you need, just say the word.” My soon to be mother-in-law, Suzanne, gave me a thorough look over. “That dress is absolutely perfect! Collin will be speechless.” She pressed a hand to her chest as her eyes glazed over with tears.
“Oh, I couldn’t agree more.” Mom fluffed the back of the A-line style dress that had lace up to my neck.
I pulled on the neckline, gasping for air. “I actually like the other one better.” I said, pointing to a strapless ball gown with an organza-ruffled skirt that had a sequined bodice. “This one has too much lace.”
“Oh, but it’s beautiful.” Mom lifted my arms, continuing to admire the dress made for a conservative young female. After all, that was who I was supposed to be. “The other one shows too much skin.” She took my fairytale dress and handed it to the sales lady. “We will pass on this one.”
“But what if I wore a jacket? I’m sure Pastor Clifton would be okay with it.”
“I think my husband would agree that the dress you have on is more suitable. Olivia, what do you think Lexi’s dad would say? I mean…” Suzanne continued to ramble with my mother about the wedding dress they had chosen for me. Yes, that’s correct. The one they chose, not me.
Sadly, I couldn’t picture myself walking down the aisle in it. Aside from hating it, I had serious reservations about saying ‘I do’. It felt like Collin and I were marrying to appease our parents instead of marrying for love. We had known each other since we were thirteen and had been together for the past four years. Everyone expected us to take that next step. So, when he asked for my hand, I naturally accepted.
“Lex, seriously girl, what’s up with you?” Delaney continued clicking her camera from different angles, demanding my attention.
“Like I said, I have a lot on my mind. Mid-terms are approaching and so is the wedding.”
She cast a doubtful stare. “Mid-terms are two weeks away. Relax.”
“This is my senior year and I have to stay focused.”
She lowered the camera. “It’s my senior year too. And I say we should make the most of it.”
“You said that last year,” I said, placing my hands on my hips. Delaney never took anything seriously, including her schoolwork. Luckily for her, she was naturally smart and a gifted photographer. I knew she had a bright future ahead of her.
Her eyes darted to the side, making sure the mothers weren’t listening. “That’s because I can never get you to do anything fun. All you do is study and play the piano. But this,” she pointed at me, circling her finger, “is all about you. Not me. You’re getting married.” She chucked my arm and I rolled my eyes at her. “You’re supposed to be in love and excited. Screw exams and thinking about school.”
Delaney was right. I should have been in la la land, dreaming about marrying my prince charming. But I just didn’t feel it. Something was seriously wrong.
“Easy for you to say. I don’t ace exams like you.”
“Oh, whatever.” She spun around like a hopeless romantic, grabbing a veil from a nearby rack and flinging it over my head. “Bend over so I can fix it.” Robotically, my body leaned forward, allowing her to adjust the sheer material over my face. “Okay, take a look.”
I took a long hard stare in the mirror as the clicks reverberated in my ear. For the past twenty years, I had been shielded and protected by my parents. I was homeschooled and forced to commute to the university my freshman and sophomore year. College should have marked the time of my life, but it didn’t. The veil I wore was so much like the shield I had been wrapped in my entire life. I was ready to tear it down, show the world who I really was, and see what it had to offer.
“No. I don’t like it.” I yanked the veil out of my hair and tossed it to her.
“Oh, okay.” She leaped forward, barely catching it by the end of the material. “We can find another one—”
“Nope. I’m not wearing a veil.”
Mom quickly turned in my direction. “What’s wrong, sweetie?”
I walked to a counter and picked up a clip decorated in sparkling jewels. “Nothing, I just don’t want to wear a veil.”
“No veil?” Suzanne asked, a light frown emerging from her porcelain smooth skin.
“Sorry, I don’t like the feeling of something hanging in front of my face.” Using a vanity mirror, I pulled my hair back and positioned the comb to the side, allowing my brown hair to cascade forward. I smiled, liking the style much more, but the expression of happiness wasn’t real. It was forced and had fake written all over it. However, no one seemed to notice because this was the Lexi everyone knew. Sweet, agreeable, quiet, and well respected. Deep down that just wasn’t me.
“Well, I suppose,” Mom said, with a tone that spelled disappointment.
“Ooo, I like that.” Delaney captured another shot while I held the deceptive smile. “I can’t wait for June. It’s going to be one hell of a party.”
With that comment, Suzanne cast a disapproving look at my crazy roommate. Delaney covered her mouth. “Oops, sorry about that.”
Delaney didn’t always think before she acted. Instead, she made decisions based on impulse and sometimes regretted them. However, that was who she was and she was the one person I knew that really enjoyed life.
“I think the comb is very becoming of you, especially if you wear your hair down.” Suzanne placed locks of my hair in front of my chest, trying to cover up my breasts.
Despite all the lace, they were more noticeable and for once, I didn’t mind. After all, Mom had convinced me to keep them tucked away and hidden because no respectable girl flaunted her breasts for people to see, especially to guys. Her voice echoed in my head, only your husband should have the honor of enjoying them at the appropriate time. If only I could get Collin to enjoy them now before they sagged to my waist.
I eased the comb from my hair and handed it to Suzanne. “I do like it.”
“I think we should buy it then,” she said, with a gentle smile.
“Mom?”
“I guess,” she sighed.
“Thanks. I’ll change so we can go.”
Dying to get out of that awful dress, I grabbed Delaney’s hand and pulled her into the dressing room with me. “Unzip me, please.” I held up my hair, waiting to be released from the chastity gown.
“Damn, this zipper’s stuck.” She tugged on it and my body broke out in a sweat.
“Please don’t tell me that,” I sighed.
With another tug, she unzipped the constricting bodice. “There we go.”
My lungs took in a full breath of air. “Thank God!”
She helped me step out of the heavy dress and I automatically felt twenty pounds lighter. I slipped on my jeans
and shirt and stuffed my feet into my Toms.
“Lexi, I’ll tell the sales lady we’ll take the dress,” Mom’s voice carried over the dressing room door.
Covering my face with my hands, I shook my head.
“Tell her you don’t like it,” Delaney whispered in my ear.
My shoulders dropped. “It’s pointless.” No matter what I wanted, my mother would never agree. I was the result of helicopter parents doused with a thick layer of strict upbringing. My parents feared that I would make the wrong choices and end up pregnant like my mom did in high school with my sister. They did everything in their power to make sure the three of us didn’t embarrass or shame the family. At the rate Collin and I were going, they had nothing to worry about.
To make matters worse, my sister set the bar so high that even with high heels on I doubted I could reach it. She was a successful attorney with two children and a partnering husband who worked alongside her battling court cases. They were a match made for high society, fitting in perfectly with the yuppies in upper Dallas with all the money they rolled in and flaunted.
Thank God, I didn’t care to wear those high-heels. I was happy working on my degree to be an English teacher. Money didn’t matter to me. In the end, all I really wanted was to help kids succeed. More than that, I wanted to be happy and in love. I hoped that by marrying Collin, he would show me love and give me that fairytale ending that I read in romance books; ones that my mother forbade me to have.
I opened the door and walked past my mom and the sales lady. Delaney followed me, staying close behind.
“Lexi, you could have hung the dress on the hanger,” Mom scolded as she scampered into the dressing room. “I’m so sorry. She’s probably tired. It’s been a long day of…trying on dresses.”
The sales lady flashed a sardonic smile and said, “We can put the dress on hold for a week, if you are unsure.”
“That would be great,” I quickly announced.
Mom shook her head. “I’m sure that’s the perfect dress for her, she’s tried on so many.”
“It’s the prettiest one by far,” Suzanne added.
Delaney turned around to face me and stuck her finger down her throat.
I raised my brows, agreeing. Picking up the skirt of the dress, I gave it one more look over. Before I could answer, my mom spoke up.
“If you can hold the dress, that would be wonderful.”
I breathed another sigh of relief. Maybe I wouldn’t look like a mid-century prude after all. “Thank you, Mom.”
* * *
A breeze swept through my hair, kicking up leaves as signs of autumn appeared across the campus. I untied the hoodie from my waist and put it on. In Texas, autumn never lasted more than a few weeks and since Mother Nature was bipolar, you had no idea if it would be a beautiful sunny day or downright frigid. Checking the weather app on my phone had become a daily ritual.
I crossed the street and opened the door to the quaint burger joint where we ate frequently. The smell of the sizzling grill hit me and my stomach growled. Memorabilia from Park Hill University’s various sports teams hung from the walls, showing off their wins over the last decade. To the right, I spied Delaney sitting next to my brother, Luke, in a booth. They appeared to be in a deep conversation. I couldn’t help but notice the steady gaze they held on one another.
“Hi.” I dropped my backpack on the bench across from them, disrupting their chat.
“Hey, Sis.” Luke turned slowly, as if he didn’t want to break eye contact.
“I was beginning to wonder if you were coming.” Delaney glanced at her phone. “You sent a text about twenty minutes ago.”
Uh huh. Are you sure you wanted me to show up?
For the constant denial of having an interest in each other, claiming they had a friend’s only status, they were sitting really close to each other. “Sorry, I had to call the writing center. They want me to tutor someone and we were trying to coordinate schedules.” I pulled out my wallet. “Did you two already order?”
“Yeah, about five minutes ago.” Luke rubbed his chin and I immediately knew something was up. That something had Delaney’s name written all over it. Being that he was my twin, I could sense things about him. It was weird, but we had similar quirks, no matter how much we didn’t like admitting them.
“I need to hurry. I have to meet a student in forty-five minutes.” When I turned around, I stumbled into Collin.
“Lexi.” He caught me between his strong arms and I took advantage of the proximity of our bodies.
“Sorry, I didn’t see you.” I placed my hand on his chest and stared into his pale green eyes, dying to make that connection with him. “Aren’t you supposed to be in class?”
He released my arms and unhooked his backpack, placing it on the floor next to the booth.
So much for that wish.
“Professor cancelled it. I sent you a text but when you didn’t respond, I figured you might be here. Thought I’d eat lunch with you.”
“Great.” I smiled, glad that he wanted to spend time with me. Between school and his baseball practices and games, I jumped at any opportunity for us to be together. “Unfortunately, I have to be at work in forty-five minutes.”
“That’s fine.” He shrugged, showing a little too much indifference. “What do you want to eat?”
Collin usually ordered for me and took it upon himself to do things without asking. At first, I liked it, but since the engagement, I seemed like it was more about control than consideration. I was conflicted between longing for discretion and wanting to be closer to him. “Sure. I’ll have the chicken and roasted green Chile burger, no fries, and water with lemon.”
“Okay. I’ll be right back.”
I slid into the booth, thinking of the millions of things I had to do and why I agreed to take on another student when I already had two others I was tutoring. I had been working as a student consultant in the writing center since the beginning of my junior year. It was a great way to earn money for expenses and since English was my major, it helped reinforce everything I had learned. I inhaled a deep breath and reminded myself how much I loved helping people and that it would be worth my time.
“You okay, Sis?” Luke placed his hand on mine.
“Yeah, just a lot going on.”
“She’s stressing about the wedding,” Delaney chimed in.
“And school.” I plucked out a few napkins from the holder as I tried not to think about my upcoming nuptials.
Luke raised a brow. “The ceremony is in June. Of next year. Isn’t it a little early to be worrying?”
I laid the napkins on the table and folded them neatly. “Yes, but there’s so much to do and—”
“I get it.” Luke held up his hands. “Please, spare me the details.”
Collin sat our drinks on the table and then turned to Luke. “Is she obsessing about the wedding again?”
“What do you think?” Luke smirked.
“I told her not to worry about anything. We have plenty of time to get things in order. Delaney you’ll be helping as well as the wedding planner, right?” Collin asked.
“Yes, and I told her this should be fun. But you know Lexi—”
“She wants everything to be perfect,” Luke added.
“No, I don’t.” I pounded my fist on the table. “And will you stop talking like I’m not here?”
“I’m sorry.” Collin planted a kiss on my cheek. “I didn’t mean to be rude. I was only trying to be supportive.”
Collin had a funny way of showing his support. And, although I did like things in order, it was mainly because I worked hard to make my parents happy. I saw myself falling into the same trap with Collin and I didn’t want to.
“I know. Forget about it,” I said as I touched his hand. The bend in his arm caused a bulge to raise under his sleeves. I focused in on the size of his bicep, running my fingers along the ripples and curves.
“Lexi, stop.” He brushed my hand off in obvious disco
mfort.
The waitress arrived with our food and I took my plate and scooted as close to the wall as possible.
Why didn’t he want me to touch him? I couldn’t understand it. As much as I didn’t want to think about it, I couldn’t stop obsessing over it. Maybe it was because I knew I was making the wrong decision.
Or was I?
Even though we had agreed to wait until marriage to have sex, I longed for him to hold me and caress me. Instead, he pushed me away. Time after time, he snubbed what little romance we had between us. I needed to feel that soulful connection. I had to know that we were making the right decision and that we were more than just friends. I was dying for more than his sweet terms of endearment.
“Are you headed to the gym later on?” my brother asked Collin.
“Of course,” Collin replied, waiting to take a bite of his burger. “I can’t slow down even if it’s the off season.”
“Me either. Spring training kicked my butt last year. And coach will be…”
I zoned out as they continued talking about baseball. Luke and Collin had played ball together through a homeschool athletic association during their high school years. That was how we met. Coincidentally, they were recruited to play for Park Hill University and my parents gave me no other option for my education.
“Lexi?” Delaney waved a hand in front of my face.
“Huh?” I stopped chewing for a second.
She shook her head and I knew she thought I was thinking about how perfect I wanted my wedding. I needed to confide in her and then man up and have a serious ‘come to Jesus’ talk with Collin. My head was a convoluted mess of wants, needs, rules, and fears that was sending me quickly to the edge of insanity.
“So, do you want to or not?”
I swallowed my food, realizing I hadn’t listened to a word she had said. “Do what?”
“Seriously?” Delaney placed a hand on her forehead. “You didn’t hear me?”
“Sorry,” I mouthed.
