by Cari Quinn
He brought up the idea of them going public with their relationship again, but Sarah adamantly refused. If they continued to do well together and this thing became a long-term relationship, she might consider it. But right now? No way. She had too much to lose, and, especially considering his increasing role on the team, so did Sebastian.
A few days later, Sebastian admitted that while they’d been out of town Jordan had seen him sneaking back to his hotel room after seeing Sarah. Sebastian had lied and said he was walking off a charley horse he’d woken up with, and Jordan, being a trusting soul, had bought it.
She doubted the result would’ve been the same if it had been Ben or even Rick. Sebastian wasn’t a good liar and she was relieved he’d been able to sidestep around the situation. While she hated putting him in that position, the alternative was losing her job, and who knew what it would do for Sebastian’s budding professional hockey career. Sarah was sure of it.
The decision to keep their relationship underground was again tested when Sebastian came over one afternoon after practice and handed her an envelope. “What do you want me to do about this?” His lips were pressed in a thin line.
Unease settled into her pores. Sarah didn’t know what it was, but judging by his expression, the envelope didn’t contain good news. “What is it?”
“Open it.”
Inside was a letter from the world-renowned cancer hospital in the area asking Sebastian to take part in a charity bachelor auction.
“Well…”
Before she could say anything else Sebastian dropped into the chair next to her. “I can’t say no. I’ll look like a huge jerk. I mean, it is for cancer. How could I refuse? If you and I were out in the open I wouldn’t be considered a bachelor, but we are not. I’m your dirty little secret, as you Americans say, and that sucks.”
Every time this subject was brought up, Sebastian was more and more bitter and she couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t right to treat him that way, but she was cornered with no good solution to the problem.
“You can’t refuse, so I guess you’ll have to do it.”
His eyebrows drew down and his eyes were stormy. “I don’t want to go on a date with another woman, Sarah.”
“I know, but like you said—”
Sebastian jumped up and rounded on her. “Screw what I said! Are you really telling me you’re okay with the idea of me being trotted out on stage like some pony and sold to the highest bidder? Okay with me taking them out to dinner or whatever else I’m supposed to do?”
“Of course I’m not okay with it, but much like how you have to play it cool around the guys when they flirt with me, I’ll have to be cool about this.”
“But you don’t want me to do this.”
Not able to meet his angry gaze any longer, she concentrated on her hands. She’d bitten her nail to the quick yet again. “Well, no.”
“Then go public.”
Sarah flew out of her chair then too, her hands fisting at her sides. “We’ve talked about this. We can’t tell everyone we’re dating.”
Sebastian tucked the envelope into the inside pocket of his winter coat. “Fine. Then I’ll do the bachelor auction.”
“Fine.”
They glowered at each other from across the room. There was a very real possibility she’d lose Sebastian over her insistence on secrecy, but this job was her dream and she’d be devastated if she lost it.
Who was she kidding? If she and Sebastian broke up, it would kill her too.
If both were gone…
“I’m gonna go have dinner with Rob. See you at the rink tomorrow.”
He left without kissing her, and Sarah absentmindedly touched the tips of her fingers to her lips. She hated being out of control. Ever since her attack, she needed to be as in control of everything around her as possible. But she’d never counted on meeting a man like Sebastian. No matter how much she wanted him to be okay with their relationship, she couldn’t make him accept her terms.
A lone tear fell and she sniffled. Sarah was damned if she did, and damned if she didn’t. But which would hurt less? Much to her consternation, the answer to that question was probably neither.
At Sarah’s first appointment with her new therapist, despite everything from her past, she found herself talking about Sebastian for most of her hour. “I feel guilty. I know I’m too old for him, and I know I shouldn’t be dating him because he’s a player. But I fought the attraction for almost four months and it nearly killed me. So now we’re together, and in some ways it’s great, yet there are still some niggling doubts in the back of my mind that are keeping me from being happy.”
Her therapist, a woman named Eve, said, “How many years are there between you and Sebastian again?”
“Ten. He’s twenty-four and I’m turning thirty-five over the summer. He’s really mature for his age, but the fact remains I’m way older.”
Eve smiled a little. “I’d hardly call ten years way older, Sarah.”
“Even so, every time I see him I’m conflicted. On the one hand, he makes me happier than I’ve ever been. But then I’m reminded of all the reasons we shouldn’t be together and I get all snappy and melancholy. I’m hurting him and it’s not fair.”
“Does he think it’s unfair?”
“Yeah. He’s a freaking angel and, at least at times, seems willing to wait for me to make up my mind about what I want. He has said he doesn’t want to wait forever and he feels like my ‘dirty little secret.’” It was hard not wince as she recalled him saying exactly that the day before.
“Well, obviously I can’t tell you what to do, and I think next time we should begin to delve into your past, but until then, try to be gentle with yourself. This constant stress and worry will take a toll on your health.”
“I’ll try,” Sarah grumbled.
* * *
Sebastian signed up for the bachelor auction, knowing there was no way to worm out of it. He was still angry and disappointed in Sarah, and every time he dodged a teammate’s question or snuck out of her room late at night he lost a little more of himself. Sometimes he wondered how much more he’d be able to take before he cracked.
If she knew how many people he was actively lying to, she’d be upset, so he kept that information to himself, but it was getting harder every day to hide their relationship. Dating Sarah was turning into an ego-swallowing proposition, and he didn’t want to turn his back on who he was and what he believed in.
February was fast approaching, and with it, Valentine’s Day. Sebastian wanted so badly to take Sarah out for a nice dinner and show her off. They’d been able to go out with Rob a few times, as long as they stuck to places they weren’t likely to be seen, but Sarah would never agree to a romantic dinner.
A couple of weeks beforehand he decided to bring the subject up to her anyway. Sneaking around had long since lost its appeal. He wanted everyone to know Sarah was his. They were snuggling on her couch after watching a movie when Sebastian extracted himself from Sarah’s hold and moved into the recliner.
She blinked sleepy eyes. “What’re you doing?”
“We need to talk.”
Sarah struggled upright, stretching her arms overhead. His greedy eyes watched as her shirt tightened over her breasts and his groin stirred, but he forced himself to ignore his rapidly burgeoning erection so he could concentrate. This was important.
“What’s up?”
“I want to take you out for Valentine’s Day.” Her expression darkened and he sighed.
“Seb—”
“Don’t. Just don’t.” Sebastian rose, dangerously close to losing control. The last time he’d done that was when his teammate had been killed in the car wreck in juniors. He’d punched a hole in the wall then and paid for it dearly, breaking a knuckle, which had caused him to miss significant playing time.
“Please, hon-”
With his NHL career just starting, he couldn’t afford to do something stupid. “Screw this. I tell you I want to take you
out on Valentine’s Day, a day reserved for people to show their love to each other, and all you can think about is your job. What about me? Am I not as important as your job?”
“Of course, but—”
“There is no ‘but’ to that statement, Sarah, and since you’ve said it all along, I already know the answer to my question. Your job is more important. I want you, Sarah. I love you. Yes, I said it. I love you. I waited four freaking months for you to be ready to even date me, but I don’t know if I can do this anymore.” His voice cracked and he cursed his own weakness. “I just don’t know.”
That got her attention. Sebastian would’ve laughed at the comical expression on her face if he wasn’t so close to crying.
“What are you saying?”
“Let’s not make any final decisions right now, but I think I need some time to figure out if being with you in secret is better than being without you. Right now, I’m not sure. I’m losing myself and that hurts a lot.”
She pleaded with him with her eyes, and rose to come to him, but he put up a hand and she stopped. “Please, Sebastian, this isn’t—”
“Easy for you, I know. Believe me, I know.” He paced away a few steps and then pivoted. “I’ve got the charity auction in a few days. We can talk after that. I do love you, never doubt that.” Without allowing her another word, he stuffed his feet into his boots, grabbed his winter coat, and flew out of her house.
Once in his car he started the engine and drove several houses away so Sarah wouldn’t see him, parked again, and succumbed to his tears. Finally, his eyes grainy and his head pounding, he went back to his place, hoping Rob would be gone. But when he opened the door, his roommate was watching television.
“Hey, bud. I—” Rob shot off the couch. “What’s going on, man? Did something happen?”
“I think I just broke up with Sarah.”
“You think?”
Sebastian shrugged, trying like hell to hold off a fresh onslaught of tears. The last thing he wanted to do was blubber in front of his teammate. “We didn’t really come out and say it, but yeah, I think we did. Oh, and I also told her I loved her for the first time. I’m such an idiot.”
“Come on over and sit.” Rob led him to the couch and briefly left the room. He returned with a tumbler containing an amber liquid. “I know you don’t drink much hard liquor, but I think it’ll help.”
Sebastian accepted the glass and wrapped his shaking hands around it. With deceptive calm, he relayed the last few conversations he’d had with Sarah, including the one that evening. When he was done, he asked, “So what do I do now?”
“You go to the bachelor auction and you let her fend for herself. I like Sarah, dude, but this whole thing is messed up. A woman should be proud to be with you. You’re a great guy.”
Sebastian chuckled, but there was no humor in it. “That’s what everybody keeps telling me.”
“Because it’s true. If she can’t see that or she’s ashamed of you, you’re better off without her. I know that’s not what you want to hear, but it’s what you need to hear.”
“I know.” Setting the glass down, Sebastian rubbed his temples with the pads of his fingers. “I just can’t figure out a way to change her mind.”
“You might not be able to, and you have to accept that.”
Reaching for his drink again, Sebastian took a swallow and perversely rejoiced at the burn of the liquor as it warmed his chest and belly. After taking another drink, he set the glass down once more. “Drinking won’t make it go away.”
“But it might make it easier to sleep. Trust me on this. Finish it.”
With a brief glare in his friend’s direction, Sebastian downed the last of the whiskey in one big gulp, coughing as it worked its way into his system. “I’m going to bed.”
Rob approached him and squeezed his shoulder. “Don’t obsess over this. It’ll only make things worse.”
“I know. I’ll try.”
“I’m here if you need anything. You know that, right?”
Sebastian paused at the threshold of the living room. “I do. And thanks.”
“Anytime.”
Sebastian slunk off to bed with a heavy heart. Sarah was everything he’d never even known he’d wanted in a woman, except for the one thing that had torn them apart. As he crawled underneath his covers, he wondered if he’d ever really get over her or if he’d spend the rest of his life with this chunk taken out of his heart. He wasn’t looking forward to finding out.
By some small miracle, the bachelor auction came and went without incident. Sebastian had had to parade in front of those women like some prize stallion, but at least it was over quickly. He trudged home, armed with the information about the “date” who’d purchased him. He was thankful the charity had done all the work arranging the date itself. Now all he had to do was show up and try not to appear too miserable.
He snorted as it occurred to him that in many ways Sarah hadn’t treated him as much more than a prized stallion either. After everything they’d gone through to be together he’d expected more from her. But like the sentimental idiot he was, he still loved her.
He was aware some of his teammates had noticed his mood, but he ignored their curious looks and skirted around the truth whenever someone asked him a direct question. Knowing he wasn’t alone in his melancholy was the only reason life at the rink was more tolerable. Sarah was walking around like a zombie, but she still hadn’t approached him.
He’d be damned if he was going to make the first move this time. He’d made the first move, and the second move, and the third, fourth and fifth moves before she’d given in. If she wanted him back, she knew where to find him.
The charity date was pleasant, but all Sebastian could think about was how much he wished Sarah was with him rather than this woman. His “date” was probably around his age, and totally not his type, not that it would’ve mattered. He and Sarah might be broken up, but that didn’t mean he was going to jump into some other woman’s arms.
When they were on their way out of the restaurant, a couple of her friends approached them from the bar. Practically strutting like a peacock, his “date” relayed that they were together for the night.
Sebastian winced. Then her friends all squealed and his ears rang. This was turning into a colossal pain in the ass. Freaking puck bunnies. Would they catch him if he ran now? The fact he was seriously considering it didn’t bode well for the rest of the evening. Did they expect him to entertain them all? Sebastian shuddered at the image.
The woman offered to let her friends ride with them in the limo and he sighed inwardly. Not letting his discomfort show, he escorted the women out to the limo and climbed in after them. One of them offered him a drink, and after considering it might help him deal with the women’s loud laughter, he accepted it.
Even though he was full from dinner, it went down easy and he began to relax. Maybe the night wouldn’t be too bad. That was his last coherent thought before the world went black.
Chapter Fourteen
Sarah steadfastly denied, even to herself, that she’d pored over the local newspaper’s article about the bachelor auction. She also didn’t admit she knew exactly when the dates would take place. Despite knowing how much it would hurt, on the fateful night some other woman was having a great time with Sebastian, Sarah found herself flipping on the evening news, berating herself all the while for being a glutton for punishment.
She didn’t have to wait long to hear about how the dates went. The top story was how one of the dates had gone very wrong. Sarah gasped and flew out of her chair to get a closer look at the television. Sebastian was on camera, being hauled into the city police station in handcuffs. A low buzzing in her ears drowned out everything else, but she got herself under control enough to hear the female anchor say, “The Storm had no immediate comment.”
Reaching back to the coffee table for her remote, she rewound, saying a quick prayer of thanks for the technology to be able to do so. As the fem
ale anchor spoke, Sarah gasped again, her hand covering her mouth.
Sebastian had apparently been arrested for trespassing at a local landmark. He and several “unnamed women” had apparently been drinking, and someone had called the cops. When the police arrived, they found Sebastian highly intoxicated, and the women weren’t much better. Sebastian was only partially clothed. Stone-cold dread stole over Sarah. What had been going on?
Before she even realized what she was doing, she had her phone out and had dialed Rob. He answered on the second ring, sounding harried. “Rob, what the hell is going on? I saw—”
“Sarah, I’m pulling into the police station. I’ll call you back as soon as I can. He’s okay.” He hung up and Sarah stared at the phone.
What the hell did Rob mean, Sebastian was okay? Plastered, half-naked and arrested was sure as shit not okay.
She grabbed her coat and purse and was halfway to the police station before she considered the ramifications. She doubted her presence would be welcome there. Swallowing thickly, she carried on. There was no way in hell, despite everything that had gone on between them, that Sarah wouldn’t be there for Sebastian. Obviously he was in trouble, and she needed to put aside everything else and help if she could.
When she walked into the station, Jon, Keith, and Rob all looked up and she swore softly. Of course the head coach and general manager would be at the police station in a situation like this. Keith’s eyebrows furrowed. “Sarah, what are you doing here?”
She glanced at Rob, who gave a helpless shrug. Taking a deep breath, she said, “Sebastian and I are dating.”
Now Keith’s eyebrows shot up and Jon turned his back, uttering a litany of swear words. “The two of you are together?” Keith asked, his voice dangerously soft.
Swallowing again, Sarah tried to calm her heart as it pounded within her chest. “Yes.”
