by Cari Quinn
“I don’t wanna talk about it.” Sebastian was surprised how flat and lifeless his voice sounded. Maybe everything hadn’t even sunk in. When it did, how much of a freaking mess would he be then? “Going to bed. Thanks for your help.”
“Anytime, bud. You know that.”
With a tired wave, Sebastian left the room and then crawled back into bed. Maybe a good night of sleep would fix him up.
The only thing the cold light of the next day brought him was more anger. He wanted those women to pay. And even worse, for the first time since he’d met Sarah, he didn’t want to have anything to do with her. The rational part of his mind knew she wasn’t responsible for what those women had done—how could anyone have predicted something like that would happen?—but the less-logical part of him wanted her to suffer like he was.
Rob had told him of Sarah’s suspension, and while he was glad she hadn’t gotten fired, it would only make things harder once she got back. If he had to see her every day he wasn’t sure how he would react. The NHL mandated he undergo counseling, and he was actually looking forward to having someone objective help him sort out some of these feelings. Right now they swam around and around in his head and he feared he’d lose it at the slightest provocation. His emotions were all over the map; out of control, and he hated it.
* * *
Sarah saw Eve the day after her suspension had been handed down and told the therapist everything, starting with her and Sebastian breaking up, to the auction, Sebastian’s drugging, and her subsequent suspension.
“Wow, you’ve been busy since we met last.”
“Yeah, that’s one way to put it.”
“Have you spoken to Sebastian?”
“No, and I don’t know when I will. Rob told me to give him time. I can’t believe I was so stupid. If I could’ve just been honest about the fact we were seeing each other none of this would’ve happened.”
“Sarah, you can’t beat yourself up about that. The past is the past and we can’t change it. The only thing you can do now is control how you react in the present and how you plan for the future.”
“Easy for you to say.”
By the time her hour was over, her throat was dry and she was even more exhausted. Despite that, she needed to know how Sebastian was before she totally lost her mind with worry.
Sarah texted Rob and he promptly wrote back, Seb madder than hell. Having trouble dealing with stuff.
She was relieved he had such a good friend in Rob, but it rankled that she couldn’t be there to help. Sarah texted back, Try to get him to a counselor.
Doesn’t wanna talk about it. Will try again later. Rob replied and her heart sank.
Rob sent her another message a while later. NHL making Seb go to therapist.
She was happy they were taking the choice out of his hands. Even so, she wanted so badly to help him herself, but knew she couldn’t. Plz be sure Seb knows I’m here for him, day or night.
Rob told her he would. When she’d heard nothing by the next day, she texted Rob again. She hated bothering him, but this was the only way to get honest answers about Sebastian.
Told Seb last night you were there if he needed you. Went back to bed. Reminded this morning & he said he wanted time.
With a heavy heart Sarah tried to leave him alone, but after a couple more days of no communication from Sebastian she went to his house.
He answered the door, and as soon as he saw her, his already beaten-down expression shuttered. “I got the messages. I just haven’t wanted to talk to you. I figured that would be clear when I didn’t call you back.”
Sarah had never seen him like he had been since the arrest. The Sebastian she knew was happy and easy-going, not sullen and sarcastic. She wasn’t sure what to do with or say to this version of Sebastian. “I know, I was just—”
“Just what, Sarah? Wanting to make things worse? Wanting to freak me out? Can’t you understand I don’t want to deal with you right now? Parts of me just want to hug you and never let go, but then other parts remember how you treated me and I get so angry. It’s confusing and I don’t need it on top of what I’m already dealing with.”
His words punctured something deep inside her. Knowing the words were completely inadequate, she said, “I’m so sorry.”
“Sorry doesn’t take any of this away.” His voice rose. “I wouldn’t have even done the stupid auction if you would’ve gone public about us. So if you want to know the truth, I blame you for this.” He waved a hand when Sarah gave a strangled cry. “Not for all of it, of course, but I wouldn’t be in this situation, feeling so violated, if it wasn’t for you. I’m guessing you can understand why I’d be feeling like that, so I’m surprised you’re even here.”
The last sentence was like a physical blow, and Sarah’s hand flew up to her mouth. For a moment she saw a flicker of the old Sebastian, as if he regretted what he’d said, but then he closed the door in her face. She willed herself not to break down right on his front doorstep. With clumsy steps, she made it back to her car. She’d lost him. Her own fear had ruined one of the only good things to ever have happened to her.
Rob called her that evening after the little scene between her and Sebastian. He wasn’t happy she’d gone over there, and he told her to stay away from Sebastian until he was ready to talk to her.
She’d relented immediately. Obviously Sebastian needed time and professional help to work through his anger. The old Sebastian was in there somewhere. He had a quiet inner strength she’d admired from the beginning, and would bounce back from this, probably far faster than she had from her attack. That didn’t mitigate the guilt for causing him pain though, and if he needed more time, she’d give it to him. In the meantime, she had plenty of her own issues to deal with.
Chapter Fifteen
The first day after her return from suspension, Sarah gathered her legal pad, pen, and cell phone, taking comfort in the familiar routine. Locking her office door, she headed down the hall toward the video room.
“Couldn’t leave well enough alone, could you?”
Her head snapped up. “Excuse me?” Lost in her own problems, she hadn’t noticed Lou coming from the other direction.
“You heard me, you little hussy. You should be ashamed of yourself, taking advantage of a boy who’s young enough to be your son.” His lip curled and the color rose in his face.
Anger bubbled to the surface quickly. What she’d done had been wrong, but he had no business talking to her that way. Since the day he’d arrived he’d acted like nothing but a total jerk, making fun of her suggestions and patronizing her.
“I am nowhere near old enough to be Sebastian’s mother, and he’s an adult who’s capable of making his own decisions about who he dates. As for me, who I’m involved with is none of your damn business.” Sarah started to move past Lou, but he stepped into her path.
“You’re nothing but a two-bit whore,” he spat.
Her mouth fell open and even though a thousand rebuttals flitted through her brain she couldn’t get them out past her shock.
Lou continued. “Do yourself and everyone else a favor and quit. I don’t know who you blew to not get fired—”
Sarah clamped a hand over her mouth, her eyes wide.
“—but you’re a distraction the team doesn’t need.”
Jon came around the corner then, narrowing his eyes as he no doubt read her and Lou’s respective battle stances. “What’s going on?”
“I was just telling the little slut here how it would be better for everybody involved if she shook her tail somewhere else.”
Jon glanced at her briefly. “Keith and I don’t see it that way.”
“How can you not?” Lou exploded. “She’s fucking one of the players. Who knows what else she’s done while she’s been here?”
“That’s enough,” Jon barked and Lou, mercifully, fell silent. “Have you noticed we’ve lost the last four out of five games? Do you know what that five games corresponds to? Sarah’s suspensio
n.”
Lou protested, but Jon cut him off. “Now, I’m not saying the only reason we win or lose is because of Sarah, but I am saying I’m ready to accept she’s making a difference. What she does on her own time is her business, as long as it doesn’t affect the team. If I ever hear of you verbally assaulting her or any other member of this organization again, I’ll kick your ass to the curb so hard you won’t be able to take a shit for weeks. You got that?”
Sarah was stunned. Jon had defended her. Apparently Lou was, too, as he just stalked away after shooting another venomous glare at her.
Finally she choked out, “Thank you.”
“Don’t thank me, and don’t make me a liar.” He speared her with a hard look, and it took everything Sarah had not to shiver.
She’d messed up colossally, but by some miracle had been given a second chance. It was crucial she made it count.
* * *
Sebastian had seen Sarah in passing, but couldn’t bring himself to talk to her. She’d finally gotten the message, because she stayed away from him.
But then, nearly three weeks after his attack, he cracked. His counselor told him staying away from Sarah would only exacerbate his feelings of isolation and grief, and if Sebastian was being truthful, he still loved Sarah. The counselor was right. The anger was still there, but if he wanted anyone to help him through this, it was her.
When she picked up the phone, she said, “Hi. I’m, um, I’m glad you called me. I’d ask how you are, but I’m pretty sure I know the answer and I’m so sorry.”
“Yeah, I think you do know the answer.” He paused and she remained silent.
So far, so good. Apparently she was going to let him dictate what happened, which suited him just fine.
After a moment he spoke again. “Can I come talk to you?”
“Of course. Would you prefer if I came to you?”
“I want to get out of the house for a while. The walls are closing in. All I’ve been doing is practicing until the doc clears me to play again and I’m bored, which isn’t helping take my mind off…stuff.”
“Understandable. I’m leaving the arena. Have you eaten?”
“Rob pushed some food on me earlier.”
“I’ll pick up something and be home in less than a half hour.”
When she arrived at her house, Sebastian was already there, sitting on her porch steps and staring into space. He couldn’t get his sluggish brain to piece his thoughts together into any cohesive form and was growing increasingly frustrated, his foot tapping the step in a staccato rhythm.
Struggling out of the car with the bags of food, she called, “Why didn’t you go into the house?”
He rose and approached her, taking some of the food. “I wanted some fresh air. Plus, it was a little weird going inside without you.”
A flash of sadness showed on her face, but she quickly shuttered her expression and led him inside. “Well, come on in. Let’s eat while it’s hot.”
She sat him down at the table and busied herself getting out drinks and place settings. She’d gotten some of his favorites, and he was grateful for that. They ate in silence, and he was pleased he actually wanted to eat. He’d lost weight, which meant he was probably losing muscle mass. When he was done he pushed his plate away. Sarah rose, taking the plates to scrape off and put in the dishwasher.
He cleared his throat. “I need help.”
She faced him. “You know I’ll help you any way I can.”
“I talked to the counselor about everything, and he agreed I had the right to be angry, but he also said it might help to stop shutting you out. Then Rob told me how you flew into the police station like an avenging angel, and how you didn’t even blink when it became obvious you wouldn’t be able to hide our relationship.”
She braced her hands on the counter behind her and took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “I called Rob as soon as I saw you on the news, but he couldn’t talk because he was just pulling into the police station. Of course, at that point, none of us knew what was going on. He said he’d call back but I couldn’t wait. My heart stopped.” She continued in a thin, weak tone that was so low he had to strain to hear her. “I had to know you were okay.”
“I understand. I know you care about me, Sarah. That was never the issue.” Because he didn’t want to rehash all their problems right now, he changed tacks. “Did you hear what those girls told the police? They wanted to drug me and then have unprotected sex so they’d get pregnant and make me pay them off. They figured if all four did me, at least one would get pregnant. They were going to put any babies up for adoption or abort it and split the money.”
“Oh my God, Sebastian! That’s terrible!” She knelt beside his chair and slowly raised her hand toward his face, giving him plenty of time to pull away.
He didn’t, instead locking eyes with her, and she cupped his jaw. Seeing the raw pain in her gaze should’ve given him some satisfaction, but it didn’t. There was no winner in this fucked-up situation.
“I’m just glad they were found out.”
“Yeah.” He smiled sadly. “Apparently they didn’t do their research. That drug has a similar effect on men and women. I was passed out, not exactly, you know, ready. I guess that’s one of the things that held them up and eventually got them caught. They had their hands on me, trying to make me…um…” His face heated.
Sarah stroked his cheek. “Shh, it’s over.”
“I feel so stupid and weak.” He hated himself for being vulnerable.
“You’re not. You’re human.”
He grabbed her hands. What he was about to ask of Sarah was crazy considering recent events, but he had to. “Will you cuddle with me? I need you. I want to feel close to somebody without wanting to crawl out of my own skin, and you’re the only person I think I can handle.”
Her expression softened further and she nodded. “How about on the couch?”
“Yeah, that’ll work.” He rose and shuffled into the other room. Picking up the remote, he idly flipped through channels, finding nothing, of course. After grabbing a couple of extra blankets, Sarah settled down and he crawled into the space between her and the back of the couch. His arm crept around her waist and he folded his much larger body around hers.
The next thing he knew, he heard a voice amidst the fog.
“Sebastian, you’re dreaming. Wake up.”
He curled into himself, his mind confused and going around in circles, but the voice kept talking.
“Sebastian. Wake up.”
His eyes flew open. “What the hell are you doing?” Sarah was leaning over him, shaking him.
“You were dreaming.”
He swore and sat up. So much for that idea. Running his hands through his hair, he let out a frustrated groan.
“Have you been having nightmares?”
“Yeah. Rob’s had to come in a couple of times. I almost took a swing at him once.” Sebastian ran his hands through his hair as he studied her. “Merde, I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
Sarah bit her lip as if considering how to answer his question, and he frowned. “You pushed me off the couch.”
“Oh, God, Sarah.” His voice cracked as his gaze roved over her. “Are you hurt anywhere?”
“No. I was just startled.”
Sebastian shot to his feet, tripping over the blankets before finally untangling them with a growl. “I need to get out of here.”
“What? Why?”
“I put so much faith into this helping. The counselor told me it might, but it’s not. I need to go home.” I need to get the hell out of here before I do something awful.
“It’s okay, you can stay—”
Sebastian barked out a bitter laugh. “What, and coldcock you the next time one of those bitches shows up in my dream?”
“You won’t hurt me.”
Rounding on her, he exploded. “How do you know that? I don’t even know that. I don’t know anything anymore. Those women stole so freaking much and I’m way be
yond pissed. I don’t even know what to do about it, but I can’t stay here.”
“Please, Sebastian, don’t leave. It’s late.” Sarah’s brow was furrowed and she was frowning, but he couldn’t let her influence him.
“I have to.”
“At least let me drive you.”
“Fine, whatever, let’s just go.”
Soon they were in her car. He stared out the passenger window, brooding. His therapist had told him not to dwell, but he’d just assaulted someone. How could you not dwell on that?
When they arrived at his house, he put his hand on the doorknob but didn’t open it. “I’m messed up right now. You shouldn’t be caught up in this crap.”
“Sebastian, I will never abandon you. Never. If all this taught me one thing, it’s that I need you in my life, however I can get you.”
He scoffed. “Need me like this? I doubt it.”
Sarah rubbed her forehead.
She must be exhausted. A pang of guilt settled in his already-overworked heart.
“Get some sleep, or at least try to. I’m here anytime you want to talk, day or night.” She tentatively laid a hand on his shoulder, and despite his efforts not to, he flinched. “Are you hearing me?”
“Yeah, I got it.” He stepped out of the car and trudged up to the front door, his shoulders slumped and his head down. When would this end?
* * *
After the night Sebastian pushed her off her couch, Sarah gave him a wide berth, and over the course of the next several weeks, focused on providing the team with information and analysis to help them win. If she could prove her worth, maybe they’d consider keeping her on after the season ended. If they didn’t, she had nowhere else to go. Spending all that time working also helped keep her mind off Sebastian’s troubles.
He was polite, but cool when they encountered each other at the arena, and she understood why, but that didn’t make it any easier. She and Rob had taken to exchanging text messages a couple of times a day. Rob had been like a rock for Sebastian these past weeks, and the weight on Sarah’s shoulders was eased a little knowing Sebastian wasn’t alone.
