by Ellis, Aven
I slowly nod in understanding, but the movement doesn’t seem natural. I’m surviving on instinct right now, forcing myself to respond the way Wyatt expects me to as a professional.
“Well, thank you for your insight, Wyatt,” I say. “I appreciate that.”
“You’re welcome,” Wyatt says. “Anything else?”
I swallow hard against the tears swelling in my throat. “Um, no, that’s all I wanted to talk about,” I manage to say. “Thank you for your candor.”
“You’re welcome, Lexi,” Wyatt says. Then he takes another swig of his Diet Coke and spins back around in his chair, facing his computer.
I’m shaking as I pull myself up. My head is spinning as I make my way down the studio hallways.
I’m losing my job.
I’m losing hockey.
Wyatt’s words have devastated me. I thought for sure, worst-case scenario, I’d be brought back to work on the Demons. That I’d only be out of work for the summer.
But now I’m very well likely to be out of TATS by June.
I wander through the production hallways, the sports shots of athletes surrounding me as I move. I stop by Nate’s picture, of him ripping a slap shot, the curve of his stick captured perfectly by the photographer.
I’d know to show that highlight, I think, choking back tears. But I only have a few months left to do that before I’m gone for good.
“Hey, Lexi, isn’t that great news about Niko?”
I blink. I find Ryan walking up to me, carrying a stack of tapes in his hands. I know he does some college basketball during the off season, so it’s not a surprise to see him here.
But good news for Niko? My heart lifts from despair for a moment. Did Tony talk to him about a long-term contract?
“Hockey news?” I ask.
“That he’s interviewing for the Blades position this week,” Ryan says, grinning at me. “You must be thrilled for him, to have the chance to get the job he’s always dreamed of. I’m psyched for him. I think he’s got a great shot at getting it.”
I go cold. Fear freezes me as I absorb what Ryan is saying.
Niko has an interview to produce for the Baltimore Blades?
“What?” I ask, confusion filling me. “The Blades? What are you talking about, Ryan?”
Ryan stares at me, and the happy expression on his face vanishes. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry. Lexi, I thought he told you.”
“Told me what?” I ask, a feeling of panic rising in my chest.
“I shouldn’t say anything else,” Ryan says quickly.
“You might as well, Ryan,” I say, my voice shaking. “Apparently my boyfriend is thinking about moving back to Baltimore and neglected to tell me about it.”
“Lexi, I’m sure it’s not like that,” Ryan says, trying to reassure me. “He got the call this morning. I was with him at Starbucks when he got it. He probably was going to tell you in person. Please don’t be mad at him. I didn’t mean to start anything between you guys.”
I’m so stunned I can’t speak. Niko has an interview for the job he’s always wanted. Dallas was a stop to this job, and the call has come for him to take over the Baltimore Blades. The job he told me he coveted the first day we met.
He can go home now. Niko can take this job, and the security it offers, and show his parents he could live his dream and be a success.
And his dream doesn’t include me.
I’m on the verge of crumpling. I take a step back, supporting myself against Nate’s picture on the wall. The floor is swimming in my tear-filled eyes.
“Lexi? You okay?”
I lift my head to look at Ryan, but I can’t speak. I simply move past him, down the hall, and flee to the women’s restroom on the floor. I grip the granite countertop in my hands, trying to fight the dizzy feeling that is suffocating me.
I look at my reflection in the mirror. My face has gone white. My eyes are brimming with tears that are threatening to spill over at any moment.
Why didn’t Niko tell me about this? Wouldn’t I be the first one he’d call? To ask what I thought about it? To see what our future would hold if he were offered the job?
I gasp aloud as I realize why he didn’t say a word.
He’s rejecting me.
Just like Cassandra did when I was born by giving me away.
Just like Wyatt did a few minutes ago, in deciding not to create a space for me on staff.
The tears fall freely now, and I choke back a sob. Of all the rejections I’ve had in life, Niko’s is the worst. All his talk of Greece and being together and next Christmas was just that. Talk. Words that made sense and sounded good until his dream job fell into his lap.
His dream job.
Niko wouldn’t turn this down if it was offered to him. He’s a passionate hockey producer, and this was the one job he set out to get. And now it’s within his grasp. If offered, he’ll take it. I know he will. Just like I would never turn down a job from TATS.
The torrent of tears I’ve tried to hold back break loose as I come to terms with what has just happened.
Niko has chosen the Baltimore Blades over me.
Chapter 27
The One Online Dating Service Profile Question: How do you think an argument should be handled between you and your significant other?
My write-in answer: While in a perfect world we’d have a thoughtful, considerate conversation about what happened, I can’t do that when my heart has been torn apart by the one person I dared to trust with it.
I rip a paper towel out of the dispenser and wet it. I wring the excess water out and wipe it underneath my eyes, trying to clean up the mascara and eye shadow that has run down my face. My eyes are red from crying, and whenever I think I’ve pulled it together enough to stop, fresh tears well up again.
How am I going to go back out there and start my shift? How can I sit there and edit Demons highlights for the pregame show, knowing Niko will abandon me for the Baltimore Blades?
Abandon me.
Waves of nausea roar back to the surface. Once again, I’m not good enough for people to keep around. Cassandra. Wyatt. Niko.
But Niko’s rejection is the most devastating blow I’ve ever been dealt.
I rush into a stall, drop to my knees, and throw up. I grab some toilet paper and blot my mouth, then flush the toilet, and as I do, questions swirl around in my head.
Why didn’t Niko call me as soon as he got the call from the Blades? Why wouldn’t he tell me about this interview immediately? Even if he knows he’ll take it, I’m his girlfriend. He owes me that much, even if he’s going to leave me to take that job.
But instead Ryan has to tell me?
Anger seeps through me. No, I deserve better than this. All these plans and dreams that I thought we were building together mean nothing with the opportunity to go to the Blades? I’m disposable to him like I am to everyone else?
I’m so furious and upset I can’t think straight. The only thing I want to do is lash back at Niko.
I pull myself together, wash my hands, and make my way back toward the offices. I know Niko will be in because it’s a game day, and since he had coffee with Ryan, I’m pretty sure he’s here.
I turn down the hallway to where his office is, and when I come to his doorway, I find him talking to Ryan in hushed tones.
I watch him for a moment. Niko has a worried look on his face. He’s leaning against his desktop, raking a hand through his jet-black hair. When he spots me in his doorway, he stops mid-sentence.
“Lexi!” Niko says, standing straight up. “Lexi, we need to talk.”
“I suppose we do, don’t we? But only because Ryan let the cat out of the bag, right?” I say, my voice equal parts of fury and hurt.
“I’ve got to go,” Ryan
says uneasily, shifting his gaze from me to Niko.
Then, without another word, he steps through the door and shuts it behind him.
Niko wastes no time moving toward me. “Lexi, this isn’t what you think,” he says, his hand moving out to touch me.
I slap it away. “How dare you not tell me you’re going to interview with the Baltimore Blades?”
“It’s not what you think!” Niko pleads. “I can explain all this.”
“Why should I even care? You didn’t even care enough to pick up your fucking cell and call me when it happened? Or text me? That’s bullshit, Niko.”
Niko exhales loudly. “I said I can explain this. But you need to calm down so we can talk about this.”
“Don’t you dare tell me to calm down,” I spit angrily. “Ryan had to tell me? Ryan! I’m your girlfriend! You owed me that much!”
“I’ll grant you that. I wanted to tell you in person,” Niko says slowly, as if he’s trying to navigate his way through a field I’ve laid with mines. “First, Ryan doesn’t know everything. And I didn’t know Ryan would say anything, but there’s no secret here. Lexi, you know me. You know there are no secrets between us.”
“I know you want that job,” I say, tears welling in my eyes again, but I’ll be damned if I let them fall. “And you’ll take it. You’re going to take it, and you’re going to abandon me, just like everyone else has!”
Niko’s eyes flash in shock. “What? You think I’m going to abandon you?”
“Of course you are!” I yell, my voice taking on a hysterical edge. “Everyone does. This is your fucking dream job. Your job to prove to your parents you could make yourself a success in your hometown.”
“Are you listening to the words coming out of your mouth?” Niko snaps, his voice taking on an angry edge.
“Those are your words,” I remind him. “And now you can make your dream come true. And maybe you’ll make your parents really happy and find a nice Greek girl to marry, too.”
As soon as I spit the words out of my mouth, I want to take them back. Niko’s head jerks back, and he stares at me in shock.
“Γαμώτο! Do you think this—us—is a fucking game to me?” Niko explodes, spreading his arms out before me. “Do you?”
“I—”
Niko cuts me off before I can apologize. “I would never get involved with you as some kind of game,” Niko says, his voice rising. “You are so terrified of being abandoned that you can’t see straight.”
“Do not,” I say angrily, “tell me how to feel about that. Do not!”
“I will when it’s messing with your head,” Niko roars back. “For your information, I was going to interview with Baltimore as leverage to try and get a contract extension here. I didn’t tell Ryan that because I want to keep that information close to the vest, but that’s what I was going to tell you. I want to stay here. With you.”
I gasp aloud at this admission. “Wh-What?”
“I was going to tell you about it today. I would never leave you. I wouldn’t even consider that without a huge conversation with you first. But you know, hearing the way you really feel, that I would go off and leave you-and marry a Baltimore Greek girl from my old neighborhood-maybe I fucking should. At least I’d never spend a minute wondering when she’d be resentful that I didn’t have the status and money that she grew up with. I wouldn’t worry that one day she’d look at me and wish she had chosen a player instead.”
My heart freezes inside my chest. “Is that what you think? That I’m going to resent you someday if we stay together?”
“I’d be an idiot to think it couldn’t happen,” Niko snaps, raking his hands through his hair in frustration. “Why would you stay? Why? You’re gorgeous and smart and you could have any guy you wanted, Lexi. And it might not hit you now, but a year from now? Two years? When I’m on the road and something comes up and I can’t be there? When I can’t give you the house your parents have? I was delusional to think this could ever work in the long-term. The kid from Greektown has no business being with a woman like you.”
“Niko, stop it,” I yell, furious at the way he’s tearing himself down. “You are making this my issue when it’s not. This is your insecurity about not being worthy. That is on you. Not on me.”
“What about you?” Niko responds. “You are so fixated on not being good enough that you think I’m going to abandon you?”
“Maybe that’s why you didn’t invite me back to Baltimore for Christmas,” I attack back, but knowing I’m lashing out at something that isn’t even fair. “You don’t want to take me to meet your family because they’ll hate me! And maybe you don’t want to be stuck with me because you’ll be disappointing them again.”
Oh no. I want to take that back. I know that’s not fair. It’s not true. But my emotions are flipping between scared and furious and being gut-kicked from the truth in his words, but I can’t manage what is coming out of my mouth. I keep reacting and wish I would stop but I can’t.
I see nothing but fury on Niko’s face. “I’m not going to dignify that with an answer.”
“I’m sorry,” I say, shaking my head. “I shouldn’t have said that.”
“Don’t be sorry for things you’re really thinking,” Niko says, his voice low.
We stand still, like two boxers who have gone 10 rounds in equal furious punches, and have nothing left to give.
And I know from the devastated look on his face I’ve taken this relationship and torn it apart beyond repair. Niko doesn’t need to tell me it’s over. The anger in his Mediterranean-blue eyes tells me everything I need to know.
“Good luck in Baltimore,” I choke out. “They’d be stupid not to hire you.”
Before he can say another word, I go to the door, jerk it open and walk out, leaving behind the only man I’ve ever loved.
By some kind of superhuman power I didn’t know I possessed, I managed to make it through work that night. I held back my tears, swallowed down the permanent lump in my throat that threatened to erupt at any second, buried my head into my edits and worked.
And it was nothing short of torture.
Because all my thoughts were of Niko, only re-emphasized by the fact that I was working on hockey. The reason we met. The reason I have this job, for however long it lasts. The reason we fell in love . . .
I tug on my fingerless gloves, which of course remind me of how thoughtful Niko is. I choke back a sob as I sling my bag over my shoulder. I head toward the back exit, tortured by my actions. I walked out on him. I walked out and told him to go to Baltimore.
I push open the metal exit door, and frigid air wraps around me. A cold front has moved through during the past few hours, and a freezing wind whips across my face as the tears I held back all night slip freely from my eyes.
A sob finally escapes my throat. I replay our whole fight during the walk to my car, and as soon as I slip behind the wheel, I lose it. I press my forehead against the steering wheel and fall apart. Heavy, crushing sobs rack my body as the tears pour freely now.
How did it come to this? A day ago I was planning to tell him I loved him. And instead of telling him I love him and I was terrified of losing him—I shoved him off to Baltimore and told him goodbye.
How did I allow my insecurity to tear us apart?
Niko was never going to abandon me, I realize with anguish. He was willing to give up his dream to be with me.
And I threw it all away.
I cry my heart out until I have no tears left. Finally I pull myself together enough to drive home. Thank God I don’t live far from the office. I wouldn’t trust myself to drive any farther without falling apart again in the process.
I drag myself to my apartment and thrust the key into the lock. And as soon as I open the door, I’m shocked to find both Kenley and Amand
a waiting for me.
“Why aren’t you at Nate’s?” I ask Kenley. She is always with him after the game. Then I turn to Amanda. “And what are you doing here?”
Kenley gets up off the couch and walks over to me. “We talked to Ryan.”
The second I look into her eyes I know she knows.
“I screwed up. I so screwed this up,” I cry.
Kenley immediately pulls me into her arms. “Shhhh, no, no, I don’t believe that.”
“I . . . I . . . did,” I gasp between sobs.
Kenley guides me back to the sofa, with her on one side and Amanda on the other. I feel Amanda wrap her arms around me on one side, Kenley’s arms on the other, and I feel their love for me. They have always been here for me, no matter what time of day or night it is. They love me, unconditionally. I’ll always have their love.
Their love.
The feeling impacts me full force. They have loved me for years. As have Charlotte and Andrew, my parents.
None of them have ever abandoned me.
They’ll never abandon me.
While people in my life have left me, or chosen not to have me around, the most important people haven’t.
Like Niko.
Niko would never abandon me.
I leap off the couch. “I love you both so much,” I blurt out. “And I messed up with Niko, I really, really did,” I declare, the words flying out of my mouth, “but I’m worthy of his love. I know he won’t leave me!”
Amanda stands up and puts her hands on my shoulders. “I don’t know the whole story, only what Ryan has told me, but even the most knocked-out, dragged-out, throw-in-every-insecurity-in-the-world fight wouldn’t end what you have with Niko.”
I look into her eyes, and I know I see the truth.
“Mand is right,” Kenley declares, standing up to join us. “And what you said about being worthy of love, not only are you worthy, Lexi, but you deserve it. You are loved by so many people already. Your past will only rob of your future if you let it. Don’t let the past take Niko away from you now.”
