I shouldn’t really be shocked—I was thinking exactly the same thing before he said it—but still, hearing him say it reminds me that in some ways the Trads are the criminals the government accuses them of being. What shocks me the most is that I’m not as disturbed by that thought as I probably should be.
Rhonda decides we’ve had enough serious talk for now and that my parents and I should have a chance to catch up. She ushers Howard off somewhere, leaving me alone with my mum and dad.
We all sit staring at one another, and then Mum asks, “How have you been, sweetheart?”
I can’t help but scoff at my mother’s ridiculous question. “Everything considered, I’m peachy. How about you?” My words have a hint of sarcasm to them, but what can she expect given the circumstances?
“I’ve been heartbroken, if you must know.” Her response catches me off guard, and I feel a little guilty for my previous tone. “My only child was taken away from me at the age of thirteen, and I only got to see her a few times a year. The one thing that kept me going was the knowledge that she was going to become the leader of the great nation of Oceania. Then I find out that it’s all a lie, and I’ve missed out watching my daughter grow up for nothing. On top of all that, I almost end up dead and have to go into hiding, ending what little contact I am allowed with her.”
I am up and out of my chair and drop to my knees in front of my mother. “I’m sorry. I forget sometimes that I’m not the only one stuck in a tough situation.”
She hugs me so tight that, briefly, it’s like being a thirteen-year-old girl again, holding on to my mother because I’m scared of what the future holds. I may be a grown woman, but I’ve missed her so much, more than I even realised until now.
When Mum and I finally calm down, we pull apart to see Dad looking at us, a tear in the corner of his eye. We both pull Dad in for a family hug, and I’m thankful that we have been given this chance to reconnect.
Our happy bubble is interrupted by the clearing of a throat. Rhonda stands on the other side of the room.
“Are you all staying for lunch?”
I look at Mum and Dad for guidance, not really sure what the plan is.
“I can’t stay, but I’m sure Selina would love to,” Dad says.
“Where are you off to?” I ask.
“I’m heading into the city with this afternoon’s raiding party.”
“But . . . isn’t that dangerous?” Having reunited with my parents only moments ago, the idea of Dad going on an expedition to the city doesn’t sit well with me.
“Yes, it is, but everyone has to pitch in. It would be unfair to expect a select few to do all the work.”
It’s on the tip of my tongue to say something about him being too old, but I catch myself before I do. Dad isn’t elderly, and he’d probably run rings around the younger men if given half the chance. I glance at Mum and she is staring at my dad with a kind of reverence I don’t remember seeing before. Her love for him is as palpable as her fear. Growing up, I always knew my parents were different from others. For starters, they lived together, which wasn’t the norm. But they also adamantly refused to have children with other people. The few times I asked why I didn’t have a sibling like other kids at my school, they’d always told me that there was no point because they already had the perfect child.
“Then it’s settled,” Rhonda says, breaking me out of my thoughts. “Two extra for lunch.” She returns to the kitchen.
Once she is out of sight, Dad says goodbye and tells me he is looking forward to catching up with me some more later. He then turns to Mum, gives her a quick kiss, and leaves.
Howard, Mum, and I join the rest of the family at the table. There are sandwiches on a big platter in the centre, but everyone waits for Rhonda to sit down before digging in. A steady thrum of chatter fills the room as the food quickly disappears.
When we’re finished and the lunch plates are cleared away, Mum tells me she has to get going because she has a few things to do.
It’s then I realise I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.
I look at Howard, then my mum. I would rather stay with Howard, but I have no idea whether he wants that, too. Going with Mum is probably safest until I get my bearings, but when I move to join her, she grabs my hand, stopping me.
“Um, sweetie, we don’t have room for you at our place, so you will be staying here.”
I probably shouldn’t smile, but my mouth turns up slightly. “Okay, well, if that’s what’s been arranged.”
“I’m sorry, love, but we only have a tiny tent that barely fits the two of us. The Jameses have a little more space and offered to take you in.”
“No, that’s fine,” I reply.
I see my mum out, and then turn to see Rhonda watching me.
“So . . . where am I staying?”
“Where do you think, my dear?” She winks at me.
Half of me does an internal happy dance, but the other half cowers in humiliation. The idea of sleeping with Howard when it’s a necessity, or when nobody knows about it, isn’t a problem. But sleeping in the same bed with him when everyone knows is different.
“I suspected as much,” I say, grabbing my bags and hoping no one can see the heat I feel in my cheeks. “Can you show me where it is so I can get settled?”
“Of course. Follow me.”
Rhonda leads me down a small hallway, opening the door at the end. I walk inside and place my bags on the floor at the foot of the bed.
“You have all afternoon to do whatever you want,” Rhonda says. “Do you need anything?”
“No, I’m good.”
Rhonda nods then exits, shutting the door behind her.
I sit on the edge of the bed, wondering what exactly it is I should do. I hope Howard won’t expect too much of me right away. I lie back to test out the bed which is soft and luxurious, and the next thing I know, Howard is shaking me awake.
“Hey, beautiful, did you have a nice nap?”
“What time is it?” I ask, wondering how long I’ve been asleep.
“It is about three thirty.”
I feel better knowing that I only took a nap and haven’t been asleep all afternoon. Not wanting to get up yet, though, I pat the bed beside me, inviting Howard to join me.
“What have you been up to while I’ve been sleeping?”
“Just helping with some of the preparation work,” he responds.
“Okay, so that was completely evasive. Now, try telling me what you’ve actually been doing.”
The chuckle that falls from his lips is enchanting and almost makes me forget that I am waiting for an answer. “Nothing gets by you, huh?”
I shrug.
“Fine, seeing as you really want to know, I hiked to the halfway point with your dad and a couple of other men to retrieve some supplies that were procured last night.”
“And by procured, you mean stolen.”
“Yes, if you must be technical, that is exactly what they did.” His voice has a tone of annoyance to it, and I suspect it is because he thinks I don’t approve.
“You don’t have to get upset. I just don’t want you sugarcoating things. I want to know exactly what happened. I want to be involved, not just sit on the sidelines and watch everything happen.”
Before I even see it coming, his lips are on mine, their movement full of passion and desire—a sentiment I return wholeheartedly. As we continue to kiss, arousal builds within me, but sadly it is not the time for hanky-panky.
Pulling away from Howard, I gasp to get my breath back. “What was that for?”
“That, my lovely Beth, was a thank you and I love you so much.”
“Hmm, you are more than welcome.” I snuggle into his chest and enjoy cuddling with my love.
As we lie together in silence, I decide now is a good time to ask one of the questions that has been bugging me the most.
“Howard?”
“Yeah.”
“Can I ask you a question?”
&nb
sp; “I don’t know, can you?” he replies in jest.
I poke him in the ribs. “Stop making fun.”
“Yes, my love, you can ask me anything.”
“How is it that you know so much about what things were like in the beginning?”
“Ah, I was wondering when you were going to ask me that. My great-great-great-”—he stops and counts on his fingers—“great-great-grandfather, Howard James, was one of the early political leaders. In fact, he held a political position right up until the first Matron was installed in twenty-seventy.”
“Wow, that’s cool. So I take it you are named after him?”
“Yeah, Dad thought I would do great things and take after my namesake.”
“Hmm, well, your dad is obviously a very smart man, because he got it right when he named you.”
“Beth, I’m not doing great things. Not even close.”
“You are,” I respond passionately. “You are helping a group of people to freedom and trying to correct injustices—those in my book are great things.”
“You have far too much faith in me, beautiful, but maybe it’s you who helps me do these great things.”
I forget what we’re talking about when he looks at me like I hold all of his dreams in the palms of my hands. I grab hold of his shirt and pull him to me, our mouths colliding in a frenzied passion.
Serious conversations are forgotten, and we surrender ourselves to more lascivious activities. I don’t know what has come over me, but I need him and don’t want to wait.
“Please, Howard, I can’t take it.”
“What’s wrong, my love?” He pulls me close, and every place our bodies connect burns, but in a pleasurable way.
“I need you.”
He looks at me with a cheeky grin, then breaks out laughing. “You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that. I thought I would have to wait forever for you to want to get back to that level of intimacy in our relationship.”
“Oh no, I need you now. Please.”
He pulls me tight, the grind of our bodies driving me nuts. “You’re sure?”
I’m so distracted by his hand sliding up my side and skirting under my breasts that I nearly forget what he’s asked. I nod as he slides his hand to the waistband of my pants, my unconscious certain he would never hurt me.
He continues moving his hand slowly until the warmth of his fingers rest just above the spot where the throbbing is worst. I could be agreeing to anything at this point, but memories of the last time we were together bombard my mind and remind me exactly how good he can make me feel.
“I need to hear the words, my love.”
I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts so I can respond. “Yes, please. Make it better.”
His hand moves the few centimetres lower to rest right where it aches the most. When he applies a little pressure I almost fly off the bed. “Oh my!”
He applies a bit more pressure and then starts to rub. The throbbing sensation increases, bordering between pain and the most intense pleasure. I wrap my arms around Howard, holding on for dear life and feeling like I’ll fly away if I let go. Howard distracts me from what is happening between my legs by peppering kisses up and down my neck and along my collarbone before pulling out of my arms.
“Don’t go.”
“Don’t worry, love, I’m not leaving you.”
He moves down the bed, spreading my legs and situating his body between them. He reaches for the button on my pants and a wave of anxiety washes over me. No one has ever touched me like this before.
Then my subconscious reminds me that isn’t exactly true.
“Shut your mouth. No one is coming to your rescue.”
His hands grip the waist of my pants and yank them down. My mind screams, but my body freezes. My heart beats erratically. I clench my eyes shut and sob, tears streaming down my face.
“Wait. Please, stop.”
“Bethanie! Love, what is it? ” Howard’s impassioned plea jolts me back to the present.
Oh crap! “I’m so sorry.” I snuggle into his chest, tears streaming down my cheeks.
“You have nothing to be sorry for, my love, but I’d like to know what I did that freaked you out so bad.”
“I’m not sure exactly. One minute it was you, then next thing I was back in that cell with that man between my thighs.” A shiver courses through me, making me shake from head to toe.
Howard mumbles something that I can’t quite make out but it doesn’t sound very complimentary.
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing, my love. I’m so sorry that happened to you. You’ll never know how much.”
There’s a knock at the door.
“What?” Howard asks, with a bit of anger in his tone.
Bradley answers from the other side. “Mum said to tell you dinner will be ready in ten.”
“Okay,” Howard replies. He turns to me. “Are you okay to go out there?”
I take a deep breath, calm spreading over me as I exhale. “Yeah, I think I am. Just give me a minute to freshen up.”
I climb off the bed and head to the freestanding basin that is used for basic amenities. I tip a little water in and splash it on my face. I don’t imagine any amount of cool water is going to completely hide the fact that I’ve been crying, but hopefully it will make it less noticeable.
When I turn around, Howard is standing a hair’s breadth behind me and I jump at his close proximity.
“Sorry.” He takes a step back.
“It’s all right. I just wasn’t expecting it.”
“No worries.” He holds his hand out in invitation but doesn’t force any contact. I slide my hand into his, and even such an innocent little touch provides some much-needed comfort. “Let’s go have dinner and we can discuss what happened some more later.”
As we head to the kitchen for dinner, one thought plays on repeat in my mind. What if I’m too damaged to be with him?
Chapter 19
I thought I’d get a reprieve from early mornings now that I no longer have an official job, but my first morning as a fugitive has been no different than usual. Howard woke me not long after morning lights. We had a quick breakfast of eggs on toast, and then he showed me the communal bathing area where I could wash up and change. Now we are on our way to a meeting with the senior Trads members.
Walking beside Howard, I am still waiting for the bomb to drop after yesterday’s debacle. By the time we got to bed last night, it was late and we were both exhausted. This morning has been hectic, so we still haven’t had a chance to talk things through. The good news is he doesn’t seem to have pulled away from me at all. He still holds my hand when he can, and last night he spent most of the evening spooned behind me.
The meeting we’re heading to is at the opposite end of the settlement than the Jameses’ abode, in a marquee-like tent they use for community gatherings. We walk through a scattering of smaller tents and demountable buildings on our way. It’s not at all what I imagined—it’s far more organised than I expected, and it is clear some of the buildings have been here for some time. They’ve definitely been using the cavern as a safe haven for far longer than I’ve been alive.
“Morning,” Howard says as we walk in.
“Morning,” the four gentlemen inside say at the same time.
They look at me, then at Howard, then exchange glances between each other. I can tell from the looks on their faces that they’re wondering what I’m doing here. They aren’t the only ones.
Howard grabs my hand and pulls me closer. “Guys, this is Beth. Beth, this is Mark, Ben, Grant, and Toby.” Howard points to each man as he introduces him, moving left to right.
“Hi.” I give a half wave. “Nice to meet to you all.”
Mark is the first to respond. “Matron—”
“Nope, stop right there,” I interrupt. “Matron Greene does not exist anymore. I am just plain Bethanie Greene, but please call me Beth.”
Mark’s face lights up wit
h a smile at my admonishment. “Well, Beth, it is nice to meet you, too.” He turns to Howard and says, “She’s a strong one. You’re going to have your hands full there.”
Howard laughs. “Wouldn’t have it any other way.”
After the rest of the men say hello, we take seats around a table covered in papers.
“So.” Howard picks up a piece of paper. “We are about halfway through the list of supplies we will need to make the trek to Sydney. Most of the major stuff has been procured, except for the carts, but we always knew those were going to be last minute. Food is our biggest concern at the moment. We still have roughly eight weeks before we can make the trek, so we need food to last us through that time, as well as rations for the trek and, of course, we promised to bring some staples to Sydney.”
They continue talking for half an hour about the various items they need to procure and how they are going to get them. I listen intently but don’t actually contribute anything. I suspect if I’d gotten up and left nobody would have even noticed. When they finally change subjects, Howard asks if there is anything else they need to discuss. All the men shake their heads, and I know this is the time for me to speak up.
“Okay, then—”
“When are we going after Estell?”
Both Howard and Mark look unhappy, but Mark is the first to speak.
“How do you know that name?”
I realise that Howard hasn’t told him anything about me meeting Estell. I give him a stern look. “Why didn’t you tell him?”
“It hadn’t come up, and I knew we couldn’t do anything until we could get to you, so I figured it was best to not say anything until I was sure we could do something about it.”
“Will someone tell me what the hell is going on?” Mark growls.
“I met Estell at one of my public appearances. She asked for my help to save her baby. I had no idea what she was talking about at the time, but my chief of security explained to me what happens to convicted fornicators and their babies. I was appalled, to say the least, and wanted to help so . . . with the help of some friends, I broke into Central Records and found out where she was being kept. Now we just need to rescue her.”
Matronly Duties Page 21
