Miss Whiplash had gone so far as to describe me as reclusive and criticised me for leading a quiet life and not going out partying or meeting men. But I had been content with my life with M and he with me. We took delight in simple things. I wanted him to have stability and know that Mummy was always there - not out seeking entertainment elsewhere. That being said, I went to the gym and we regularly went out for meals with my father. He also pursued a wide variety of sports and hobbies with other children and we often had friends to the house at weekends and after school. I knew that it was important that he spent time with people other than me and he had every opportunity to do so - but naturally, we were closer as a result of being a tiny nuclear family.
What kind of world do we live in where it is wrong to be dedicated to your child? To put your life on hold when they are young so that they may have security and stability. Furthermore, as any single mother knows, it is not that easy to get out in the evening if you cannot afford baby sitters and time spent with my father, allowed me time to catch up with my girlfriends and get chores done around the house. I was not without adult friends. I simply did not seek out a romantic relationship at that time. I felt my responsibility lay first and foremost with my son, especially in his formative years.
At last the CPO summoned me into her office and told me to wait. A few long minutes later, she appeared with M who looked white-faced, anxious and very tired.
Within minutes we were hugging and chatting as if the Child Protection Officer were not in the room. I sensed something in him now though that I had not seen before. M was clearly afraid that seeing me might get him into trouble with R. How did I know this? Because I knew R and I knew M. The proof that I was right became evident when he refused to take the toy home. He asked the CPO to keep it for him. It was apparent that he did not want R to know that he had seen me.
The Child Protection Officer, also an English teacher, like myself, took the small toy and put it in a drawer in her desk for safe-keeping. M and I had had all of ten minutes together before he had to go for his lunch and as I gave him a final hug, he told me wistfully that he hoped to see me the following weekend and that he wanted me to come to Sports Day. I tried to sound optimistic and smiled at him as I gave him a final hug but I had the terrible feeling gnawing at my heart, that this may be the last time I would see him for a very long time.
With a heavy heart, I was assisted back to the reception area where Brian and Julie were now waiting.
"Well I think that went as well as could be expected." Brian said smiling weakly.
I did not reply and I certainly did not agree. Of course, seeing M had been an unexpected bonus - but in regards to the school and I having any chance of a future good relationship, I had no doubt now whatsoever, they were completely in R's corner and the reason - quite simply, money.
Brian, Julie and I found a pub and went for lunch to run a post-mortem on the day's events. They saw the school allowing me time with M as a huge step in the right direction - I wanted to believe them - but in my heart I knew it had likely been an opportunity for us to say goodbye.
That night I waited for M to call me. It was one of the agreed nights for a phone call. It never came and attempts to ring M reached an answer-phone. The chasm was getting deeper and I went to bed to face another sleepless night of longing for my son and seeing him slipping further and further into the distance.
Brian wrote to the school asking for the notes of the meeting with the various representatives of the Island's Court and Local Authorities that had been held in our absence - but was told there were none. It seemed very unlikely that with so many in attendance, that nothing at all had been documented. It is normal procedure for Police, Social Workers, even School Staff to make records of everything, but whatever notes existed - we were never going to see them.
There was another hearing scheduled back on the Island to discuss the Appeal against Residency. We were now into July and I had not seen M for six weeks. R was in breach of the Contact Order and if the situation had been reversed, I would have been held in contempt and jailed. In fact I had been threatened with jail many times over when M refused to see his father on the Island and I had had to bring him to contact, shaking, wetting himself with fear and clinging to me - all for which I had been blamed. Now R had full custody and control and he was fireproof. He could fabricate any version of events he liked and he could be sure that he would face no consequences for disobeying the Court Order or have to prove that anything he said held a grain of truth.
There was another outstanding issue that would be dealt with at this hearing. I had run in the face of Prohibitive Steps Order that forbade me from leaving the Island. Whilst I had already been tried for the breach in my criminal trial, the Judge in the family proceedings, insisted that I must still face a separate trial for the breach of this Order and R had applied for my committal to jail for what had happened now well over two years ago and for which I had already done jail time.
Brian felt it was safer if I did not go with them to the hearing. He was concerned that they may try me there and then and I would not be able to come back to the UK. It was decided that he and the new QC would go in my place and try to get contact re-established and get the Contempt issue withdrawn.
I had begun talking to others in the same situation as myself - mothers who had lost custody for reporting child abuse - and a few mavericks who had set themselves up to help those without legal representation. I had no idea of the dangers involved in this, for whilst people are often well-intentioned, they will often play fast and loose with other's safety and freedom by speaking out and protesting publicly in ways that often place the desperate and innocent in jeopardy. No matter how well-meaning these people are, they can do huge damage to people's cases in the name of assistance and everyone knows that a little knowledge is dangerous. They rarely have the expertise, court knowledge, legal background or in some cases, common sense, to handle matters with any sensitivity and desperate parents, male and female, will often elicit their help when they have nowhere left to turn.
It is not illegal to enlist the help of a McKenzie friend, a person who can sit with you in Court and guide you as a Litigant in Person. There are few though who are well-enough versed in the law, to carry off this role in any way that is helpful. Sometimes one learns this too late and after dire consequences. The temptation to seek help from anyone who has any answers at all, is too great when desperation and despair are driving you.
I was no exception at this time. I was now living my worst nightmare, no contact with my son and a hearing that may make that the official status.
I needed friends and an outlet for my grief and during the long hours spent chatting to other mums in the same situation, I learned of several people who acted as McKenzie friends - some with a modicum of knowledge and authority - some with no expertise whatsoever.
The QC who had by now, gone to Court to seek an appeal against the terrible Fact Find Judgment that had put us in this position, had failed to get Permission to Appeal and now the fact that I had tried to go against the ruling of "no abuse" of the Family Court Judge was added to my list of crimes against the establishment. I had stuck my head above the parapet and even with an aggressive lawyer with eleven strong appeal points, we had been shot down in flames with a result that got us nowhere.
The Judgment that arose from this hearing, had, however, been the most positive we had had to date. The Appeal Judges acknowledged that my son my well have been abused by way of masturbation and attempted penetration by his father, but they said that we were too far out of time and should have appealed sooner and it would be too disruptive to move him, now he was settled. They stated that interviewing M now would be inconclusive and not in his best interests. However, it seemed leaving him with someone who in my mind, was a proven paedophile, and whom they themselves accepted may pose a serious risk, was perfectly acceptable.
Their reasoning was not sound because there would be no need to re-interview M.
He need not know anything about the process whatsoever. We were only asking for a second opinion by a properly qualified expert, to consolidate the opinion of the only other properly qualified expert to have viewed M's evidence - her view that he had been abused. But as seemed to happen more and more as time passed, one Judge backed the decision of the previous Judge and when those Judges are part of a small and incestuous group on a tiny Island, it was hardly surprising that they would support each other.
This was yet another bitter blow - one failure after the next, whilst costing a fortune to keep the legal wheels greased.
Both practically and emotionally, my father had come to the end of his means to carry on with legal support. The coming hearing on Contact would now bring our legal representation to an end. It was simply untenable to continue. We had run out of funds.
Then something happened to bring matters to a head sooner than planned.
Chapter 6
Betrayal
Two days prior to the last hearing that would take place back on the Scottish Island where our nightmare had begun, I was suddenly contacted by Brian to say that our QC had been searching for references to himself on the Internet and had found the Permission to Appeal Judgment online.
I was shocked and bewildered. It seemed odd that the QC would even search for himself in this way but I also had no idea who could possibly have put this on the Web, other than R. I knew I hadn't and would never have done anything so risky or stupid, especially as my Facebook and Twitter messages had been raised in evidence during the Criminal Trial, so I knew that one had to be careful about what one said publicly.
I had no injunction placed on me at this time, but it seemed that I was being blamed for the appearance of the document and it was considered a serious problem and one that could even have me jailed if I was considered in any way responsible.
I protested to Brian that I knew nothing about how this had come about but would look at the offending site and see if I could source the origin. I was deeply concerned. I knew there was a copy of the Judgment on the Island's Judgments website but it did not name names. It seemed that this copy had gone live naming the parties and this was clearly not good for any of us, especially M.
The Judgment was on a Wordpress blog page set up by a McKenzie friend with whom I had had a couple of chats in readiness for self- litigating the case. She was well known amongst the network of mothers and "helpers" who were working towards exposure of the wrongs in the system. She had a particular reputation for speaking out vehemently and in very damning terms but I was unaware of this when I had spoken to her quite innocently. She had asked to view the most recent Judgment and I had sent it to her for advice about how to take matters forward. I had absolutely no idea that she would betray my confidence and put this on the Net. I was mortified. I contacted her immediately and asked her to remove it and all traces of it. She agreed in writing to do so and confirmed she took this step without my knowledge or consent. I believed that this would be the end of the matter. I could only hope that as this had been done quickly and as I had not been responsible, that there would be no negative consequences to her irresponsible actions.
A further shock ensued. Our own QC had written to the Island's Court and brought this to their attention. Brian wrote to me to warn me that this was the case and that I could face another Contempt issue. I was aghast. Why would a member of our own legal team shop me to the Court for something I had not even done?
I rang Brian absolutely furious and told him that I could not understand why anyone representing our interests would betray my trust - wasn't there such a thing as client confidentiality? Not to mention the fact that the attorney/client relationship is supposed to be privileged and sacred. It made no sense for him to do this, without speaking to me first at the very least and allowing me a chance to find out who was behind it. I was now in very hot water indeed because the Court could blame me for asking for advice in the first place and whilst there is no law to prevent you taking advice from anyone you choose, I knew that this was likely to be twisted in such a way as to make me look culpable of contempt. It seemed my own lawyers were the ones to place me in jeopardy and as a result of this terrible breach of trust and after discussing matters with my father who was equally appalled, I fired them then and there. I could not put people in Court to represent me, who did not have my back.
We now faced an urgent difficulty. I had no representation for the impending hearing. I had written to the Court asking for my lawyers to be taken off record and we had planned to remove them after this hearing, but there was no time now to appoint anyone else and I was nervous about going alone should the Judge attempt to run the Committal proceeding application that was already on the table for the alleged breach of the Prohibitive Steps Order. This latest faux pas would only give R's lawyer more grist to the mill.
During my correspondence with the woman who had put the Judgment online, a wealthy businessman living in France, who was a serious maverick and activist against Forced Adoption, had been copied in by her. He wrote direct to me as a result, offering assistance and in my now desperate predicament, I accepted. He had a long-standing reputation for helping both mothers and fathers - to run from the UK - and also with self-litigating their cases. He had an Oxford degree in law but had never practised and his reputation for rallying hard against the establishment in Britain was legendary. I had no lawyer - I badly needed advice and I was facing two possible Committal charges on the Island either of which could land me doing jail time once more.
He encouraged me to go to the Island and fight my corner, but it was now getting very late to get a flight booked and I was still reticent, even if I could have made it. I took a second opinion from the renowned Liberal Democrat - another activist against the UK Family Courts - John Hemming. He had intervened in our case once before writing direct to the Judge and threatening an ECHR application should they proceed with an earlier Committal hearing when I had had no lawyer - my own suspiciously having jumped off the Erskine Bridge as a result of being arrested on the Island charged with mal-practice and historical child abuse. Whilst these things were unknown at the time he represented me, he had not been our choice of lawyer - but one assigned to me when I had been arrested back in 2009 for child abduction. He was a gumshoe lawyer who I had not liked from the start but the only one the police would allow me to see when they had held me in custody and bullied me mercilessly for 18 hours, on my return from the US.
John's advice was to stay in the UK and not go back to the Island under any circumstance. He was sure that I would be detained and without a lawyer I would be as vulnerable as hell. It was not worth the risk of losing my freedom and now that matters were due to conclude there and jurisdiction was now firmly in the UK, I would be better placed to take matters into a UK Court and make an application for Contact in the English Court.
I then heard back from the Island's Court to say that they could not remove my lawyers so close to the hearing and in any event they must attend to take themselves formerly off record - this is normal practice. I did not like them going but it seemed I had no choice and John felt I would be better to have someone rather than no-one to speak for me, even if confidence had been completely destroyed. It seemed I had no option now in any case as the Court had insisted they attend.
This turn of events at least meant that I would not have to prepare fully to represent myself, but I had already drawn up a position statement and supporting evidence for the lawyers. This included the emails between myself and the woman who had acted so foolishly and emails to R and the Guardian showing myself willing to jump through any hoop to see M - including R himself supervising - on the advice of Brian. Advice I might add that was very misguided and which later I had run past our former Human Right's QC Philip, who whilst no longer representing us, was still occasionally in contact to see how the case was progressing and kindly gave me odd bits of ad hoc guidance as a friend.
I believe that agreeing that R supervise contact
was one of the biggest mistakes we made at this point and looking back I should never had made this offer. He already had far too much control and this would give him omnipotence. In my defence, any mother faced with not seeing their child, would cut off their right arm to see them and as I had already made the offer in writing, it was too late to rescind it.
Yet another shock was to follow. The Guardian had arrived on my doorstep, having driven all the way from Wales, on the pretext of wanting to offer his services to supervise contact - even though he had been removed from the proceedings, along with Social Services some 6 months earlier. He had no business getting involved at all and was a particularly toxic and malevolent influence within the proceedings. His bias towards R was blatant and M had never liked him. I felt that for M's sake, if not for mine, this would be a very dangerous situation and Philip also advised not to concede to the meeting or have any further communication with him at all. He was pure evil - A small bearded man who strangely wore a cape and fedora at times and someone whom M had many times in the past described as "creepy." When M had told him that he was afraid of his father and that he often told him scary stories at night about sharks coming to eat him up if he didn't go to sleep - the Guardian had responded that that was funny and not only this, he had dismissed M's very real fears of the abuse as "something he clearly had imagined", at the age of only 6.
I told the man who was now persistently ringing my bell, that I was not going to speak to him without a witness. There was a woman with him and he did not explain who she was, other than his assistant and note-taker. She could have been anyone. I had never seen her before and she produced no form of ID. Court officers never travel alone - for when they are going to mis-represent what has been said - it is helpful to have someone to confirm their lies. As I had been given no warning at all of his visit - obviously deliberately, I had no-one I could ask to sit in and he knew it.
Mummy's Still Here Page 7
