by C. C. Morian
“It’s not anyone’s fault,” he said. “If it is, it is mine, not yours. I started all this. I don’t know what I was thinking. It’s not like me.”
“I don’t blame you for anything. You were trying to help me, to help us. I’m the one that wasn’t happy and you were trying to help fix it.” She set the coffee down. “Please, can you just hold me?”
Melissa reached for him, and he took her in his arms, a little stiffly, but it helped, she pulled him in tight, feeling the closeness of his body, if not yet his mind. She could tell he was distracted, maybe just as she was, deciding what to say and how to say it.
It felt good, just getting a hug. There were hugs, and there were hugs. Ones from someone who loved you, and who you loved, were definitely different. They were safety nets, cocoons.
Just as she could never get from Richard the kind of sex Marcus gave her, she would probably never get the kind of warmth a hug like this gave from Marcus. In fact Melissa never remembered Marcus holding her the way Richard did, the way he was doing now.
Without breaking free, she said, “I’m going to call the whole thing off. The reunion, everything.”
She felt him stiffen, then he whispered, “Because of what happened yesterday?”
“No, not just that. It’s just so unfair. I—I don’t want to hurt you.”
Now Richard pulled away, turning his head. “You think that hurt me? Me pushing you to think about Marcus, and you doing just what I asked?”
“Yes, I mean—” She didn’t want to admit she had seen how he looked when he had walked away from her yesterday, the pain in his face.
Richard turned to her, some of that pain still in his eyes, and something else, a pleading. “Do you feel any differently today than you did yesterday, about us?”
“It’s not that,” she said. “It’s that I realize what is important. What we have. I love you, the way you are. I don’t want you to change. I don’t want you to be hurt. I couldn’t deal with that.”
He shook his head imperceptibly. “Don’t you get it? I’m already hurt. I was hurt before this entire thing started. It’s why it started.”
Melissa was fighting back tears. “I’m sorry. I didn’t want to—”
“Stop apologizing!” Richard’s voice was more tight than harsh. “It’s not your fault.”
“You saying that doesn’t mean I don’t feel that way,” she said. “You know that.”
He sighed. “I know. It’s just—. Look. Nothing has changed. We’ve opened up this box, we can’t close it now. You need to be happy. We should be happy. And I know you are not.”
“I made it into too big of a deal,” said Melissa. “I was thinking too much about me. I was looking for this pipedream, this perfect situation. It was selfish of me.”
“Now you are being unfair to yourself. You are one of the least selfish people I know. Maybe you haven’t been thinking of yourself enough. Maybe if you had been thinking more of your needs—all your needs, you wouldn’t have married me in the first place.”
Melissa spun on him. “Don’t you say that. Don’t you ever say that! That’s not true. And it is demeaning for you to tell me what is right for me. That’s not like you. Don’t be like that now.”
Richard turned from her, his shoulders sagging, her words hitting him hard. When he looked back his eyes were full of contrition. “I’m sorry. You are right. I have always respected your judgment, you know that. But I know you, better than anyone. You’ve told me that yourself. And I know what it took for you to admit that something was missing in our marriage. You wouldn’t have brought it up if it were a trifling thing. That’s not like you. It is a big deal, and it should be. If we don’t resolve this, it will eat at you. And me. Because in that way we are both alike. Once we get something in our heads, we have to deal with it.”
“But at what price? It’s not worth getting hurt over it. We can figure something else out.”
Richard shook his head. “We tried that. We’re both pretty smart people, and neither one of us have been able to come up with anything. And I’m sure you’ve been thinking about it as much as I have. And Marcus—I don’t mean to criticize your judgment, but there must still be something unresolved there.”
“Not in the way you think. It wasn’t like I left something open with him.”
“Either way,” he said. “We all have different needs. And he satisfied some of them, important ones.”
“And so do you.” Melissa wrapped her hands around her chest. “I don’t want to fight about this. You see what’s happening? We never fought before. Now look at us. That’s another reason to stop it.”
“I think that’s another reason to go ahead,” he replied. “I don’t want to fight. You know I hate confrontation. And I don’t mean to be argumentative. But you have to admit we are in a bind. We have a lot of unanswered questions. And going to the reunion will clear up a lot of them, one way or another.”
Melissa turned away. “That’s part of the problem I’m having. We might not like the answers.”
There was a silence, and then Richard stepped toward her, cradling her, and this time there was more warmth, he was giving himself. “The answers will be what they are,” he said. “That’s another way we are the same. We both want the truth. We’d both rather deal with an unpleasant truth than live a convenient lie.”
Melissa nuzzled into his shoulder, trying to think of a way to disagree, but she knew he was right. He felt so good, holding her. If only it could be just this, if her whole emotional well being could be sated with just this feeling, this cradle.
But that was just another pipedream.
Chapter 11
The next few months were a confused mix of time, going both fast and excruciatingly slow, as the calendar moved inexorably to the date of the reunion. After that cathartic discussion in the kitchen, Melissa and Richard had both avoided the topic, their lives even resuming some sense of normalcy. They spoke about her reunion as if it were just some business trip, carefully avoiding any discussion of what might happen there.
One thing that did change was their sex. They had none. Richard didn’t instigate anything, which wasn’t that unusual, but now neither did Melissa. She feared what might happen, that it would once again bring to the fore their oft physical disconnect.
Melissa also worried that there would be a repeat of the last time, that Richard’s obsession would kick in, and he’d get her thinking about Marcus, and she wouldn’t be able to help herself, and even though Richard would get off on it he would know that she was doing the same, but for a different reason.
Melissa was thinking about Marcus constantly now. She felt guilty; she should have been worried about Richard, about her marriage. And she did, but increasingly her thoughts were on Marcus. She saw the danger in this, not only for her relationship but because she might be setting an unrealistic—and downright crazy— set of expectations for the reunion, for Marcus.
Shit, he might not even show up. Then what? She’d be wild with desire by then, and the unknowing would drive her nuts.
The night before she was to leave for the reunion Melissa sat at the kitchen table and, just as she would for any other trip, wrote out her contact information, her flight schedule, and when she would be home. When she was finished she looked at the note. It seemed so matter of fact. This was the set of plans that could change their lives. Shouldn’t she write something else on it?
What was the best outcome, really? That she’d see Marcus, and would have no feelings for him, either emotional or physical? She’d come home, tell Richard, and no doubt, he’d be relieved. The worse outcome, that she’d want to leave him for Marcus, would be off the table. But then where would they be? Would she still feel something was missing? Would Richard push her to see someone else?
And in the back of her mind, would she wonder: If Marcus couldn’t fill my other needs, could Richard? Could anyone?
Or what if she did rekindle things with Marcus? Then what? Would she really leave
Richard for him, for the uncertainty of a new relationship? Could Marcus fulfill her other needs, those of stability, and trust, and emotional support?
Richard said that the truth was the best outcome. It probably was. But right now Melissa was having trouble seeing how.
She left the rest of the note blank. It was her itinerary, it was the only thing she was right now sure of that was the truth.
The next morning, just as he had a few months before, Richard was waiting for her in the kitchen. But this time she was freshly showered and made up for work.
Richard handed her a cup of coffee and said, “Are you sure you don’t want me to take you to work, and then pick you up and drive you to the airport this afternoon?”
“No. Really. I don’t want you to have to break away from your day.”
“I don’t mind.”
“I know. But—we’ve done a good job, without even talking about it, of making this seem like a regular trip. Not a big deal. Let’s keep it like that, okay? I—I don’t want to make it even more important than it already is, if that is even possible. Besides—I might not be able to hold myself together if you drop me off.”
“Okay.” Richard actually looked a little relieved. “I do have one request.”
“Sure.”
“I want to hear from you that you got there safely, as we always do for each other. But after that, I don’t think we should talk. You need to be going into this one hundred percent. You should try to feel, as much as it is possible, that you are free to pursue what you need to. And no matter what happens, don’t hold back. On anything. Do what you need to do. Do everything you can to figure out whether you want to be with Marcus.” He paused. “I mean everything.”
Melissa didn’t quite know what to say. She understood what he meant, how difficult it must have been for him to be thinking of this, for him to be saying it. She simply nodded.
“Good,” said Richard. “I know that will be hard, for both of us. But I don’t want you worrying about me. If it makes you feel any better, think of it as a treatment I need—a little discomfort for a few days in order to deal with a bigger problem. That being said, I only want to go through it once. I want to know, I want you to know, what we should do going forward. So whatever it takes.”
“Okay. I understand.”
“I—.” Richard’s voice faltered for just a moment. “I know how weird this must sound. Me telling you to go and be with another man. And probably to be physical with him. I never would have thought I could do that. And the complication of how I feel about it, loathing it on one hand, and on the other hand, being—excited, it’s really confusing to me. I can’t separate them out, they are two opposing forces. The fear of losing you should be so much stronger, that’s what my mind says, that’s what my heart says, but it’s like I lose control, my physical desires simply overwhelm me. And you know how I hate being confused.”
Richard paused. Melissa didn’t say anything; she sensed he had been rehearsing all this, and needed to get it out.
He went on. “So part of me is afraid of what might happen with you and Marcus. That you might want to be with him. But part of me is excited, this feeling I get when I imagine you with another man. It’s what has made me really finally realize why you need to explore this, why your physical needs and maybe some other kinds of emotional needs are so strong that you can’t push them aside.”
“I understand,” said Melissa, and everything Richard was saying was helping her, just knowing that he understood that she couldn’t control some things about herself.
“I don’t want to set the wrong mood here,” he said. “I don’t want you to go off thinking I’m sulking, or depressed. I won’t pretend that I won’t be thinking about it the whole time, but please, if you do love me, let’s get this resolved, okay?”
“I promise,” said Melissa. “I’ll do everything I can to come back with the truth.”
“Thank you.” And again, Richard seemed relieved. Not resigned, relieved.
“I have a request as well,” Melissa said. “Two of them, actually.”
“Of course. Anything.”
“I understand you not wanting us to talk, it would be too much of a connection. But the minute you feel differently, the second you start to be madly jealous or feel what we have is in danger, you have to let me know. I’ll stop whatever I’m doing and come home. I know that sounds like a contradiction of everything we’ve talked about, I know that this trip could change everything for us, but I need to know that the trip itself and what I’m doing won’t push you over the edge. If we are going to not be together, I want that to be a discussion we have, not a decision either one of us makes on our own.”
Richard considered. “I won’t call, you know that.”
“That doesn’t matter. What matters is you know that you can.”
Richard nodded slowly. “And your other request?”
“If I lose my nerve, I need you to tell me to keep going. I know you want closure, you want the truth. I know this sounds crazy, but if I start to slip, I want your support to go on.”
“So you want my support to overcome any hesitance you might have to sleep with a big black stud who you loved having sex with and who you still fantasize about?”
“I told you it was crazy.”
“I know. I was actually just kidding with you. Or trying to.”
“It’s not funny,” said Melissa, but suddenly she started to smile, and then her tension burst into a laugh, and Richard was laughing too, their escape from the madness of what she was about to do.
When they finally calmed down, Richard asked, “How am I to do that? I won’t be there.”
Melissa had known she would be asking for this, but she hadn’t considered Richard would be suggesting they not talk. “Texts,” she said. “If I’m in trouble, or just need a little push, I’ll send a text.”
“Just in emergencies,” cautioned Richard. “Remember, the whole point is to feel free from me.”
Melissa was thinking of Richard had reacted when he was imagining her with Marcus. “Okay,” she said, leaning forward to kiss him on the cheek. “But maybe a well timed text might bring a little distraction to your weekend.”
Chapter 12
The reunion was schedule for a Saturday, with events around the campus in the afternoon followed by a dinner gala. Friday evening, however, there was to be a dinner for early arrivals from out of town and for anyone else who wanted to attend. The flights on Saturday would get Melissa in kind of late, and she didn’t want to take the chance of a delay or cancellation. So she left work early on Friday to begin the trip.
She was glad that she had decided to drive herself to the airport. She didn’t want to go through another goodbye with Richard. They had left things on a good note that morning, as good as it probably could be, with a little lighthearted laughter. The tension was still there, but without any last minute drama. There was so much to say, and yet, nothing they could say would really change anything.
Melissa kept reminding herself that nothing had happened yet. Marcus might not show up. Even if he did, he might not want to have anything to do with her. She could always decide not to go ahead with anything. Or she might not even be interested.
Somehow, though, she doubted that.
On the flight she tried not to think too much about what could happen. There were so many possibilities, each with their own set of implications, for her, for Richard, for her marriage.
Melissa found herself fiddling with her wedding ring. She thought back to a time not long ago when she had it cleaned, taking it off for the first time in her marriage. She felt naked without it, even though, before that, she had barely given it a second thought. Without the ring, men had started hitting on her, which she found unexpected and not a little titillating. She thought about whether she should wear it at the reunion. If Marcus were there, would having the ring on affect him in any way? Did he sleep with married women? He had a code of ethics that she had found hard to und
erstand. Sometimes he would seem to do something so absolutely out of her realm of understanding; harsh, rough, even illegal. Other times he was straight as an arrow. It made no sense to her, but obviously in his mind there was a consistency, Melissa just couldn’t see it. That was something else that made him so different from Richard, who was so predictable.
Sometimes that was good, sometimes not so much.
The ring. She also had to think of how it would affect her. Would she feel more free to explore if she wasn’t wearing it? Could something as simple as taking off a ring free her from any sense of guilt?
That wasn’t likely. Even if everything clicked back into place with Marcus, even if that was the truth that they all needed to understand, she’d still feel terrible about what the effect would be on Richard. Melissa knew he was right, they needed to resolve this, they needed to know the truth. It was better in the long run. But that wouldn’t change the emotional impact on all of them, that wouldn’t stop her from feeling responsible.
She’d keep the ring on. If she let a piece of metal get in the way, she’d never discover the truth about who she was and what she needed.
Julie would be arriving later that evening on another flight. Julie had promised to support her; she knew what Melissa was considering. But how would Julie act if she saw it unfolding? And if things did not go well, would that cast a shadow over their friendship? Or would Julie’s presence remind Melissa too much of what she had at home, and hold her back?
The flight arrived a little early. At the hotel Melissa checked in, took a shower even though she didn’t need it, and changed out of her work clothes for the dinner. She had thought carefully about what to bring, wanting to look good, but not like she had come trolling for a guy. There was bound to be some questions about why her husband wasn’t there. She didn’t want anyone to think she was looking to hook up, even though that was exactly what she might be doing.
