by Walsh, Chloe
“Don’t talk about it,” I hissed, tearing my eyes away from his.
I couldn’t deal with his words, they hurt so much. I didn’t want to hear about his grief; I had enough of my own.
This conversation was dangerous to my soul. I didn’t like the darkness stirring around inside of me, waiting to attack.
Kyle groaned loudly, and stepped away from me.
Now, he was the one pacing the floor.
“Get it out, Lee,” he said, pulling at his tie. “Say it. Get it off your chest, I know you want to.”
Shaking my head, I closed my eyes. “No, I don’t.”
I felt Kyle’s hands clamp around my shoulders, but still, I kept my eyes closed.
“Come on, princess, do it,” he urged. “You need to get it out, tell me how you feel.”
“I need to go,” I cried, trying to pull away from him, not wanting to do this.
I didn’t want to go there.
Kyle held my arms tighter. “You wanted space; I’m giving it to you. You wanted time; I’m giving that to you, too. You come here looking for me to comfort you, and that’s what I’m trying to do. But it’s not fucking good enough for you, is it?” he demanded. “It will never be good enough, until you tell me how you feel. Say it, Lee. Fucking say it.”
“Alright,” I screamed, tears pouring from my eyes as emotions I’d thought I’d dealt with, burst to the surface.
“You want to know how I’m feeling? Well, I’m devastated. I’m hurt, I’m fucking crushed.” I pushed at his shoulders. “How could you do that to me, with Rachel? All the lies, Kyle, how?”
He tried to pull me into his arms, but I pushed him away, wiping at my eyes furiously.
“I feel tormented. You are tormenting me and I hate you for it.”
“I’m sorry,” he rasped, his voice torn. “I’m so sorry.”
“Don’t say that,” I screamed, banging on his chest with my fists.
He didn’t stop me, didn’t even try to protect himself, and he didn’t stop saying it.
He grabbed my face with his hands. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry.”
“Shut up,” I roared. Pushing him back, I slapped him across the face, hard.
He dropped his hands to his sides, his chest heaved.
His voice broke. “I’m so fucking sorry.”
Disgust filled my body as I realized what I’d done.
“Oh, god,” I cried as my legs gave out.
Kyle caught me before I hit the floor, and pulled me into his arms.
“Shh, baby, I got you,” he whispered, as he sat on the floor, rocking me in his arms.
“I’m sorry,” I sobbed, clinging to his shirt.
Kyle stroked my back and kissed my hair. “Shh, princess, I deserved it.”
I shook my head. “What I said….” I paused, biting down on my lip in shame. “I didn’t mean it.”
He hugged me tightly. “I know. It’s okay, Lee. It’s alright, baby.”
“I don’t hate you,” I whispered. “That’s the problem.”
Turning my head so I could see his face, I stroked his reddened cheek. “I love you, and I can’t seem to stop. I can’t stop. ”
Kyle’s eyes flickered closed; his chest rose and fell raggedly.
“Don’t stop,” he whispered. “Please, don’t stop loving me.”
I watched as a tear slipped from his thick eyelashes, and I stroked my thumb over his eye, to clear it away. Kyle’s eyes opened, and fixed on mine.
Common sense abandoned me, and in a moment of madness, I placed my thumb in my mouth, tasting his salty tear.
Kyle’s mouth fell open.
Placing his hands on either side of my face, he kissed my eyelids and my cheekbones, as he wiped away my tears with his lips.
I twisted my mouth up to his, a mixture of desperation and desire pushing me forward.
Claiming his lips, I thrust my tongue into his mouth and tasted him. Kyle groaned, his thumbs traced my cheekbones as his tongue stroked mine.
Twisting in his arms, I swung one leg over him to straddle his lap as my fingers attacked his shirt buttons.
“What are doing, princess?” Kyle breathed against my lips.
I had no idea what I was doing.
I only knew, that if I stopped now, I would never forgive myself. Maybe I was delirious, but for now, I wanted him.
“Take me,” I begged, as I pushed his shirt from his shoulders. “Make it all go away.”
Kyle groaned, and slowly pushed me back.
“I can’t do this,” he whispered. “It’s wrong.”
My eyes jerked open, reality crushed over me like a tidal wave, as Kyle whispered words of rejection in my ear.
I gasped as I dragged myself off of him and scrambled away.
“Lee, wait,” Kyle hissed, climbing to his feet.
I didn’t. I ran out of his office before he could hurt me further.
*****
Kyle
Well, I really fucked that one up, I thought to myself as I watched Lee run out of my office.
I needed the coldest fucking shower I could handle. I felt dirty, like I’d done something wrong. I’d never felt dirty over anything I’d done with Lee in the past, except for now.
Jesus Fucking Christ.
What the hell had just happened?
My head was in pieces, but I didn’t regret stopping her. She wasn’t thinking clearly. She would have regretted it, and that would have killed me.
We hadn’t spoken in a week, and I couldn’t…I couldn’t just take her on the fucking floor, like she was some sort of fucking buddy.
‘Make it all go away,’ she’d asked me, begged me. I knew I couldn’t, not with sex, at least.
I wanted to make it go away for her, but, shit, I didn’t want to take advantage of her vulnerability, and I didn’t want to be used.
And for the first time in my life, I found myself questioning the power of the opposite sex.
I’d always been a firm believer that women had it harder than men when it came to pregnancy and parenting; my own mother’s experience being the driving force behind that concept.
Sarah Carter had been alone in the world, a teenage girl, brought up in foster care, duped by a married man, impregnated, then abandoned, to grow, give birth and raise me alone.
As a child, my mother’s drug induced suicide had almost destroyed me. But as I got older I’d learned to accept it, and eventually, understand it.
She’d had me when she was just a kid herself, and I knew exactly what it felt like, to be utterly alone in the world and it fucking hurt like hell. I didn’t blame her for her choices, those were hers alone.
And every foster family I’d lived with throughout my childhood, had not only proved, but reinforced my belief in the concept, that women were infinitely dealt the shittier hand. I’d always believed and respected that.
But for the first time in my life, I understood the other side.
I was living it.
What happened to the men who wanted to be involved? No one ever talked about those guys.
If Lee pushed me out, would my son or daughter grow up feeling the same abandoned hatred towards me that I had towards my father?
I knew I couldn’t live with that, which left me with the ultimate question; if Lee didn’t forgive me could I fight her?
Fight the girl I loved more than life itself, for a child, I wasn’t sure I deserved?
Or walk away from an innocent baby, I’d fathered?
I had two choices and I was ashamed of myself for considering either one.
****
Lee
I ran until my legs grew stiff, and breathing became difficult.
Slowing to a walk, I made my way back to the house.
It was dark when I reached the front door.
Turning my key in the lock, I quietly walked upstairs to my bedroom.
Mortified, didn’t come close to expressing how I was feeling.
Appalled, embarrassed and
humiliated weren’t enough of a definition, either.
Shame encompassed me.
Throwing myself on my bed, I screamed into my pillow. It didn’t help, so I did it again.
“I need to talk to you.”
Oh god, why?
I slid my pillow off my face slowly.
Seeing Kyle towering over me, I covered my face once again.
“Come on, get up,” Kyle said, pulling my pillow away from me.
“No,” I moaned, covering my face with my hands. I was too ashamed, to look at him. “I’m sorry, okay. Can we please just not talk about it?”
Kyle snorted. “Oh, because that’s your answer to everything, isn’t it, princess?”
He pulled my hands away from my face, and pulled me to my feet.
“I’m embarrassed, Kyle,” I growled. “I’m not in the fashion of begging men to have sex with me.”
I cringed, hanging my head.
“Okay,” Kyle said, clearly agitated. “First, I’m not just any man, so get that bullshit out of your head.”
He sighed, and paced my modest-sized bedroom. “And second, don’t think for one fucking moment, that I didn’t want you.” He stopped pacing and ran his hand through his hair. “Christ, Lee, I’m still fucking hard thinking about it.”
“I said awful things to you. I slapped you,” I whispered guiltily, addressing the worst thing I’d done.
“And I lied to you, repeatedly, kept you in the dark, and fucked up with Rachel. I think I outweigh you in the prick count.”
“So, what are you saying?” I asked, utterly confused.
“I’m saying, I’ll give you that one, princess.”
Kyle strode towards me.
Grabbing my hand, he pulled me up against his chest. “You only get one, get out of jail card from me, baby.”
He stroked my lip with his thumb. “The next time you ask me to fuck you, I won’t say no.”
I gaped at him, speechless, as he sauntered out of my room.
CHAPTER FIVE
Lee
I pottered around the house, bored out of my mind.
I cleaned my room, vacuumed the downstairs, did two loads of laundry and took a ridiculously long shower in the downstairs bathroom, before trudging back up to my room, depressed.
I was irritated.
I had phoned Linda this morning about coming back to work. And after a long and assertive grilling-from me-she had eventually confirmed my suspicions that Kyle was the reason I wasn’t rostered back on my shift.
Kyle had told Linda, and I quote; “I don’t give a fuck how you do it, Linda, keep her out of there. I mean it; Lee is not to be rostered. No exceptions.”
Damn jackass, control freak.
He had some nerve. I needed to be earning; my belly wasn’t getting any smaller. I was starting to look like I was expecting twins.
You should have two. But you couldn’t keep them safe...
Would I look at this baby and wonder, always be reminded of his sibling? I wondered if Kyle thought about it. Maybe he did, probably not though. He was too busy running around the place, ordering everyone about…
“Are you even listening to me?”
Derek’s voice startled me, and I jumped from my bed. “God, Derek, you scared me. What did you say?”
Derek grinned widely, poking his head fully inside my bedroom door. “I was wondering if, preggers, might be interested in some bacon and jam sandwiches.”
I flung my pillow at the door, narrowly missing Derek’s smirking face.
“Don’t call me preggers,” I growled, walking towards the door.
Derek grinned. “Oh, come on my little ball of hormones, maybe your favorite sandwich will improve your mood. And you can wash it down with a nice mug of steamy coffee. Oh wait, that’s right, you can’t.”
“You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?” I asked, glaring at the back of his shaved head as we made our way down the stairs.
Derek chuckled. “I’m only teasing you. I do enjoy Kyle’s reactions best. Shout ‘labor,’ and the he’s close to fainting.”
I followed the smell of greasy bacon to the kitchen.
Mmm, I knew there was reason I liked Derek. He was the messiah of food.
I dug into my bacon and blackberry jam sandwich. If I didn’t think about the combination, the taste was mouth-watering.
Kyle and Cam both left the room when I ate these, but Derek was a trooper. Besides he was the one who introduced me to the concoction. I was pregnant; what was his excuse?
“What are your plans for today?” he asked, sitting down next to me, pouring some milk in his coffee.
“The usual,” I grunted. “Absolutely nothing.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing,” Derek chuckled, as he gazed at wall dreamily. “Man, what I would give to sit at home all day and be kept, by some millionaire chick.”
Kept? Is that what was happening to me? I was being kept?
“Do you think I want to live like this?” I asked, thoroughly offended. “Do you think I aspire to be some millionaire playboy’s kept, little mistress?”
Derek snorted. “You are reading way too many trashy romance novels, Ice.”
“Don’t call me Ice,” I growled.
“Besides,” Derek said, batting his hand at me. “Kyle’s a reformed millionaire playboy. And, he sent you flowers on Valentine’s Day a few weeks back.”
“Yes, Derek, he sent me flowers. As in, he was too lazy, to go and buy them himself; he had them delivered by a florist.”
Derek dropped his sandwich on his plate, and frowned at me. “Did you ever consider, that Kyle might have been scared? Christ, Lee, for a smart girl, you are seriously slow on the up take. ”
I raised my brow. “Come again?”
Derek rolled his eyes, but didn’t reply.
“Anyway,” I said, moving swiftly past his offensive comment, wanting to discuss a far more annoying topic. “You have classes today. Why aren’t at college, Derek?”
Derek shrugged, and swallowed a mouthful of delicious coffee. I think I drooled a little bit.
“I’m not missing anything important.”
I doubted that.
Derek had a couple of months left before graduation. He needed to be in class.
“I don’t need a babysitter, Derek,” I snapped, addressing the real reason why he was skipping class. “Kyle is being a control freak. I’m pregnant, not dying.”
“Don’t,” Derek muttered, flinching.
I knew he was remembering the night I miscarried. I’d almost died that night. I would have, if he hadn’t found me.
“Sorry,” I mumbled.
Derek attempted to smile, but it was forced. “You can’t blame Kyle for being overprotective, or Cam and I, for that matter. We nearly lost you that night, Lee. We lost one of you. Kyle, he won’t ever get over that, you know. The fact that he wasn’t there, that you… and he…He lost something as well that night. I think he’ll carry that blame for the rest of his life.”
This was too much. I couldn’t think of that night. This was exactly why I needed to get out of this house. This was why I needed to be working, not sitting around overthinking.
I hadn’t stepped foot inside that bathroom since I was rushed out of it, on a stretcher. I could barely stand to walk past the door. Thankfully, Kyle kept it closed at all times.
I couldn’t go in there, I wouldn’t.
“You know what, if you’re sure you’ll be okay, I think I’ll head in and catch my last couple of classes,” Derek said, standing up, ending the conversation that had become too heavy for both of us.
“Good idea,” I agreed, wondering when it would get easier.
The memories and images of that night, hung over the four of us like a black rain cloud.
Would that night ever fade from our minds, would it ever leave?
Well I could, for a few hours at least.
I rushed upstairs, and changed quickly. It was time I did something productive, an
d I owed Kyle a long, overdue visit.
Grabbing my purse and keys, I headed outside. I couldn’t take Bruno with me, because, just like my shifts at work, his leash had conveniently disappeared when Kyle left the house this morning, and every other morning for the past month.
It was hammering down with rain when I stepped outside, and the coldness in the air had me yearning for the warmth of the house, but I trudged on.
If I could drive, my life would be so much easier…
At nineteen years old, I should have my driver’s license, dammit; I should have my highschool diploma. I didn’t have either.
I walked to the end of the street, pausing to mentally map out Kyle’s schedule on a Friday. I glanced down at my watch; it was two-thirty. He’d be in class.
I smiled darkly to myself and I headed left.
Let’s see how he liked it when people interfered in his routine. Oh, Kyle and I were going to talk.
It was on.
*****
Kyle
Economics sucked ass.
I leaned back in my chair and feigned interest.
Man, I needed a career change. I couldn’t see myself in this suck-ass lifestyle, for the next forty plus years.
Econ was mandatory for my degree though, so I sucked it up and made it to most of Professor Peterson’s classes. I didn’t feel the need though; the dude was sprouting out shit that I dealt with, every damn hour of the day in the hotel.
Hotels’…Thanks Frank.
It would have made my life a hell of a lot less complicated, if my grandfather had left the hotel chain to Mike, or our father.
But no, he’d had to give one last lash of the whip. And I was the fucking whipping boy. He’d checked out and left me to deal...
I looked up when the door of the classroom burst open, and my eyes locked on a petite brunette, wrapped in a green coat, standing in the doorway, cheeks flushed and dripping wet.
“Whoa,” the guy sitting next to me muttered, and I stiffened in my seat. “Holy fuck, Carter, you see that chick? I’d like a piece of that ass.”
