What if he told her the truth? What if he made it clear that he had broken her heart and his own simply to protect her? Where would her bitterness go then? What would she have to say to him?
But no, he knew he could not do it. Whatever explanation he gave, if she allowed him to give one, could be no more than a repeat of the idea that his father had intervened and made it impossible for him to continue to court her.
And, in the end, what sort of explanation was that?
“No, I do not want to hear any of it. I asked for the reasons three years ago you chosen not to give them. You chose then, in fact, not to say anything at all. And so, I think you will understand why it is that I have long since stopped wondering and no longer care.” As she walked hurriedly by him, James reached out and took her arm quite reflexively. “No, let me go.” She said and turned her bright blue eyes on him angrily.
In the end, James could do no more than simply release her. But this would not be the end of it; it could not be the end. He would have to find some way to reach her because he knew he could not go on without her.
If the last three years were hard without seeing her, they could not compare to the pain of having her there in front of him and knowing that she might never be his.
No, now was not yet the time to give up.
Chapter 28
“I was thinking that I would send an invitation over to Mr. Hillington to come here for afternoon tea. I am sure that Aunt Gwendolyn would not mind at all but I suppose I really ought to ask first.” Charlotte said as she and Ruth walked arm in arm through the woodland about a mile and a half from Hawthorn Manor.
Charlotte could see the woodland from her chamber window and had determined that she would make a point of visiting it during her stay. And it really was very welcome indeed because the shade of the trees provided a cool retreat from the warmth of the day. And the scent of the bark, flora, and fauna did much to revive her.
“You must do as you see fit, Miss.” Ruth said with an air of resignation.
“Oh Ruth, are you cross with me?” Charlotte said and felt her heart sinking.
“Goodness, I am not cross with you, Miss. What sort of lady’s maid becomes cross with her mistress? No, I am not cross. I could not be cross.” As Ruth finished, Charlotte could hear a tremor in her voice and feared that her friend was about to cry.
“Forgive me, I did not mean to hurt you, my dear,” Ruth said and let go of her hand so that she might take her arm instead. She turned Ruth gently until they were face to face. “I would not hurt you for the world.”
“You have not hurt me, Miss, I am just concerned for you. I do wish you would let go of your ideas about Marcus Hillington for I am certain that you would never be happy. And that is what hurts me, not anything you have done or said, just the idea that you are about to walk headlong into unhappiness.”
“Then perhaps I shall not invite him for afternoon tea just yet. Perhaps I shall wait until I am certain that I will be happy with him.” Charlotte said, selfishly wishing that she did not have to make such a concession for she knew it would simply put her plan back days if not weeks.
Still, she was sure that a man like Marcus Hillington could simply be approached from a practical standpoint. Perhaps he did not particularly need afternoon tea and coy conversation.
Of course, Mr. Hillington had never given any indication at all that he was interested in her, but Charlotte suspected that, given a hundred years, he would never manage that. But it did not mean that he could not be manipulated into thinking about children, a fine son to inherit all the money he had so cleverly made. Even the dullest of men, the most uncommunicative, still had that instinctive pride and a need for longevity down the generations.
At that moment, Charlotte’s attention was drawn by the sound of a dry twig snapping. She had that instant sensation that they were not alone and turned sharply to look all around her.
“Forgive me for startling you, Miss Cunningham.” Rounding a bend in the path was none other than James Harrington and Charlotte did not know if she was startled or furious.
“I am not startled, Your Grace.” Charlotte said angrily.
“Well, how nice it is to see you again.” He said and shrugged.
“I believe you are here by design, Sir, and I am not at all pleased by it.” Charlotte said and heard Ruth gasp.
“There is little point then in doing anything other than continuing on my way, is there not?” He said flatly, and Charlotte found herself just a little upended.
For some reason, she had expected him to object, to try to keep her there and speak to her longer. She had not expected to feel let down by the fact that he had not. After all, she had made it very clear that she wanted nothing more to do with him and so the fact that he might come to accept that one day ought not to disturb her. After all, was that not what she wanted?
“None at all.” Charlotte said, hardly knowing which of her emotions was having the greatest effect on her.
However, she knew she could not give into any of it and so she turned smartly on her heel to walk away in the other direction, fully determined not to stop marching until she had reached her chamber at Hawthorn Manor.
She had been so determined, so very decisive, that she did not even notice that she had walked away and left Ruth behind.
“Forgive me, Miss Clarkin, I did not mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I did not mean to make your mistress angry either, but it appears that I have done just that.” James blew out a great puff of air and knew that he ought not to be talking in such a way to a lady’s maid. And yet there was something about the young woman which made him drop his guard a little.
“There is nothing to forgive, Your Grace. I am not at all uncomfortable, just concerned.”
“It is only right that you be concerned for your mistress, Miss Clarkin. And please know that I would not hurt her willingly. Not then, not now, not ever.” He said and wondered what on earth she must think of him.
Ruth Clarkin was an unusual woman in many respects. Even though she was not a lady’s maid by birth, exactly, she did not know that. And yet there was an intelligence about her, a confidence. She did not seem to bow and crouch in this world, but neither did she thrust back her shoulders and walk arrogantly through it. She simply seemed content to occupy her own space and he wondered if that was an inherent knowledge that she was different.
Even without knowing the facts, perhaps she was instinctively aware that all was not as it seemed. He studied her for a moment and wondered if he would see any similarity between Ruth Clarkin and her half-sister, Charlotte.
Ruth was not as pale in her complexion as Charlotte, and her hair was blonde. Perhaps it was the very difference in their hair, the fact that Charlotte’s was so red, that disguised the similarities.
It occurred to James that as he studied Ruth her eyes seem to jump out at him. They were blue, just like Charlotte’s, with a tendency to widen with emotion. And he thought her nose and the shape of her face generally were similar enough for sisterhood to be seen.
He shook his head a little when he realized Ruth Clarkin was studying him with a mixture of curiosity and confusion. He knew he would have to say something, but what on earth could he say to this young woman whose origins he knew whilst she herself did not?
“I believe you, Your Grace.” She said suddenly, taking him aback. “I do not know what happened or why, but I believe what you are telling me now.”
“I would never hurt her, not willingly.”
“Forgive me for being so bold, Your Grace, especially when it is not my place to be so.” She began quietly and yet there was a confidence about her that he could not help but respect. “But whatever it is that caused the two of you to part three years ago, would it not simply be better if you told Miss Cunningham the truth?”
“I do not think I can, Miss Clarkin. It can only hurt her, and I would never want to do that.”
“But this is hurting her too. In the end, I suppose it is ju
st a case of what hurts the most, is it not?”
“She does not seem particularly hurt anymore, but rather angry. And I do not blame her for being angry, I just cannot now see the point in hurting her for the sake of it. She has made it very clear that she no longer feels for me what she oncedid and I cannot help but think that for me to tell her the reasons for my sudden disappearance in the first place would be nothing more than an unwitting act of revenge for the fact that she longer caresfor me.”
“I cannot agree with you, Your Grace. Please forgive my forward manner, Sir, but I am certain that my mistress is hurting.” Ruth Clarkin looked over her shoulder at the departing figure of her mistress who, intent on forward motion, had clearly not yet noticed that her maid was not by her side.
“Forgive my intrusion, for it is most inappropriate, but I beg of you, tell me, has she said as much to you? I know that the two of you are very close and that she values your friendship and your opinion more than anyone in the world.” He paused and knew that he had already said too much and that to say any more could not possibly hurt things any further. “If only I could know that she still cared for me, then I would at least have hope. I would at least have a reason for continuingotherwise, I think I must desist and accept that the two of us were never meant to be together.”
“She has not said as much, Your Grace, but she does not need to. As you have already said, Sir, we are great friends and I know my mistress very well indeed. I even know what is in her heart and that is why it grieves me so every time she tells me of her intention to never marry for love. It truly gives me pain, the idea that such a fine young woman would resign herself to a life of dull misery simply to avoid ever feeling that same stab of pain again.”
“She was very hurt, was she not, when I ceased all contact between us?” James said guiltily.
“Yes, Your Grace, she was extraordinarily hurt. She is a very strong woman, one who would not let others see her distress very easily, but I could see it.”
“You are a very good friend to her.”
“And Miss Cunningham is a very good friend to me.”
“Then forgive me for asking, Miss Clarkin, but is your mistress intent in some way upon Marcus Hillington?” He knew that he had overstepped the bounds and yet he was certain that he would never have such an opportunity again.
He had to get as much information as he could out of Ruth Clarkin before she disappeared after her mistress; this might be their one and only conversation, after all.
“Ordinarily I would never break her confidence Your Grace but yes, she is most determined. And only because he is a man of very flat character, one who has as little interest in her she has in him.” Ruth paused and blinked furiously, and James could see her bright blue eyes shining with distress. “She is most determined never to be vulnerable again, Sir. She does not want to love, you see, she does not want to feel the pain when that love is rescinded.”
“I wish there was some way for me to tell her that my love was never rescinded. All that has happened is that it has grown and grown as the years have passed.”
“Your Grace, I have only a few moments before I must run up to my mistress. She is some distance from me now and she will quickly realize that I am not with her.”
“I understand, Miss Clarkin,” James said and had the awful feeling of fine sand slipping through his fingers. He needed to do something, to say something that would count, something that would find its way to Charlotte ears and change the whole landscape. “I wish there was some way for me to tell Charlotte that I have always loved her and I always shall, but she will not hear me, Miss Clarkin. Whether I write or present myself to her in person, Charlotte is dead set against me and I do not know how to make her stand still for long enough to hear me out.”
“Your Grace, you cannot simply repeat the fact that your father’s intervention wrenched the two of you apart, for it is not enough. I am afraid that, in the end, the only thing that will do is the absolute truth, whatever it is.”
“Even if it is so painful?”
“Is it really worth spending the rest of your life in this manner, Your Grace? And is it really worth forcing my beloved mistress into a long and very loveless marriage? For I fear that if you do not do something soon, Sir, that is what we shall all be faced with. And once Miss Cunningham has made those vows, there will be no going back. That is what you must consider, Sir. I understand that the truth might be painful, whatever it is, but the truth often is, is it not?”
“Yes, I daresay more often than not.” He said thoughtfully and wondered at the wisdom of the young servant.
But perhaps it was not just the wisdom which had affected him so, but rather the caring that he could see in Ruth Clarkin’s eyes. They really were as sisters, even if they did not know it. In the end, would it really be so very bad for them to have something they had likely always felt truly confirmed?
“Forgive me, Your Grace, but I must beg that you release me now.” Ruth said nervously.
“Yes, of course, Miss Clarkin. And thank you. Thank you for everything.” He said, and she nodded before turning to run after her mistress.
As James turned to walk back in the direction from which he had come, he wondered if the day had truly turned out to be the disaster that it appeared to be. After all, Ruth Clarkin had certainly given him something to think about.
For one thing, it was clear that Charlotte still had feelings for him, however angrily she would try to deny them. For another, it was clear that Charlotte would not act on those feelings without more from him.
But could he really tell her the truth that he had kept from her so long? The very reason that the two of them had parted in the first place would surely count for nothing if he did that.
But what of a life spent without her? What of a life seeing her living in the south of the county with a man she did not love? And it would not fortify him to know that she did not love him, for Marcus Hillington would be her husband and James would not.
He quickened his pace, keen to be home so that he might think the whole thing through and come to a decision at last.
Chapter 29
“I must admit, I am inclined to agree with the maid, my dear fellow.” Hector said and shifted in the wrought iron seat on the terrace at Sandford Hall.
When James had returned from his encounter with Charlotte and Ruth in the woodland, he had been fortified to discover that his dear friend was on his way. Hector had become an ever more regular guest at Sandford since the old Duke had died and James was pleased that he made no bones of the fact that he much preferred the place without Richard Harrington in situ.
James found himself pleased by the idea of having somebody with whom he could discuss the whole thing. And at least Hector had some knowledge of it, after all. In truth, besides himself and the awful Charles Holt, Hector knew more than anybody.
But still Hector did not know the details, the very crux of the thing, and James was relieved that his old friend had never asked. But that was Hector to a fault. James had asked him to make no more questions and Hector had simply agreed.
“That I should tell Charlotte the truth? The very thing that I have been trying to protect her from these last three years?”
“It strikes me that you do not have another course of action, beyond forgetting the whole thing altogether and leaving Charlotte to her anger and you to the desperately sad knowledge that you could have done something about it.”
“But you do not know the severity of the thing I have been hiding.”
“And I never do want to know it,” Hector said and held a palm out in front of him for a moment before reaching to lift his teacup. “I say, is it too early for something a little stronger?”
“It most certainly is, Hector. We have only just finished breakfast.” James said and laughed. “And I do not know how you manage it for after last night’s indulgence, I cannot even think to take a sip of sherry, never mind brandy.”
The two men had, as was their
custom, enjoyed themselves heartily when Hector had arrived the previous evening. James, hoping for the briefest respite from his own cares and feelings, decided to mention nothing of Charlotte to Hector until the following day. He wanted simply that the two of them have a very fine evening and relax entirely.
And once again, Hector had said nothing. Likely sensing his friend’s aversion to the subject for a while, he happily played along as the two of them planned a lengthy visit from Hector’s father at some point in the future, discussing what they would do and where they would take the aging gentleman.
“Very well, I shall suffer this tea.” Hector said and chuckled.
“You might as well, for it seems you have already suffered almost all of the sandwiches.” James complained and the two of them laughed.
“And very lovely they were too.” Hector turned in his seat to face James. “So, you need to make a move of some kind and you need to make it soon. I must admit that I agree with this Miss Clarkin in so far as I should not like to see my young cousin married to somebody who is as dull as you claim Marcus Hillington to be. Really, nobody deserves a life married to a dull person. Just imagine it.”
A Damsel for the Daring Duke_A Historical Regency Romance Page 23
