My lips ached for a good morning kiss. Like a real good morning kiss. The kind that tasted of morning breath. The kind that could lead to a cold breakfast, if you know what I mean.
Brice poured me coffee and handed me the mug.
“Thanks,” I said.
“Check out the view,” he said. “As dangerous as this crap is, it’s really pretty.”
Outside, the trees were glistening from the ice. The fresh fallen snow was like a wonderland. It almost had the allure of a perfect Christmas morning. I held my coffee mug tightly for warmth because it sure looked cold outside.
I felt Brice standing behind me. “Amazing, right?”
“Yeah,” I said. “It is.”
“Hey, Brice, can you help me?” Paige asked.
“You got it,” he said as he stared at me.
After stealing my breath, he turned and went to help Paige. The word overwhelming came to mind, but I wasn’t sure if it was the right word. I casually slipped from the kitchen. Linda sat in the chair that Brice had slept in, scrolling through her phone with one hand while holding her coffee cup with the other. Everything about this place was comforting and inviting. And Linda got along with Brice. So did Paige. I wasn’t sure Paige had ever said a word to Ben. Or if Ben ever said a word to Paige. But that was just Ben’s personality. I couldn’t forcefully try and mold him into someone else.
Now the word overwhelming fit. The entire basis of my relationship with Ben no longer mattered.
My eyes darted to the front door and I made a move.
I stepped outside into the frigid air and let out a deep breath.
Steam rose up from the coffee and I took a sip.
The sight was absolutely gorgeous. Even better than looking at it through a window. It was so bright, it was almost hard to stare at any one object for too long.
I didn’t come out to the porch to look at the snow and the ice. The way all the tree branches were heavily bent, it was as though we were all trapped. Just like the way I was feeling.
The door opened behind me. “There you are.”
“Hey, Linda,” I said.
“I’m going to sneak a morning smoke,” she said. “Will Brice mind?”
“I doubt it.”
“He doesn’t let much get to him, huh?”
I eyed Linda. “I don’t know.”
“Sorry,” she said. She balanced her coffee mug on the wood railing and lit up a cigarette. She took a deep drag with her eyes shut and groaned. “That’s almost as good as sex.”
“You must be having bad sex then,” I muttered.
“Or just no sex.”
“That’s your own doing.”
“Please,” she said. “Single mom working fifty hours a week while fighting her baby daddy in court… yeah, look at them lining up.”
“Personality,” I said. “You’ve got tons of it.”
“And you’ve got a killer sexy guy in the kitchen and you’re standing out here alone.”
I rolled my eyes at Linda. “Paige is prettier than me.”
Linda laughed. “She thinks Brice is cute. She told me.”
“Who wouldn’t, right?”
“And still, you’re standing out here alone,” she said.
“Not alone.”
“You were alone.”
“Linda…”
“I’m just stating the obvious. You got into trouble last night and you called him first. And he was quick to drive through that storm to come get us.”
“You know Ben was working,” I said. “It’s not like he goes out and fucks other women.”
“Okay,” Linda said.
“I know you saw him at a dinner one time and thought he was flirting with a woman, but that wasn’t what you thought, Linda. His job is to talk and swoon people.”
“Did he swoon you?”
“I’m not a deal,” I said.
Linda didn’t say anything else. She smoked, but her eyes told a different story.
I turned my head and looked at the door to the cabin. “What’s happening in there is hard for me.”
“What’s hard?”
“The way it looks. The way it feels. Like a torturous reminder of what we should have had together.”
“I’m sorry, Kinsley,” Linda said. “I can’t imagine that feeling.”
I looked at Linda. I blinked fast. “That’s why this is happening. I’m a bad person for this, Linda. I’m juggling two men’s hearts. And I can’t stop doing it. One side of me thinks something should have never ended because it didn’t end. The other side of me can’t just walk away from someone who has taken care of me and now wants to be open.”
“I know,” she said. She reached out and touched my cheek. “What you’re doing isn’t wrong.”
If you only knew what Brice did to me in the back of the bar… or even just last night… what I was going to let happen…
“I’m being selfish.”
“You’re figuring out what makes you happy,” Linda said. “Something we all do. I’m smoking more now than I ever have in my life. And I know how bad it is for me. Yet I can’t stop. I’m going toe to toe with Dave in court because I’m being a little petty.”
“You said his new girlfriend…”
“I’m jealous. I don’t know if she’s said anything or not. But maybe Dave is right. Maybe he and I should sit down and go over everything again. To make sure it’s fair. To make sure Paige is going to have a good life with both of her parents involved.” Linda sighed. “And I’ve twisted the conversation back to myself. I’m not a good friend here.”
“Yes, you are,” I said. “You’re a good friend. A great mother. And you have to trust your heart with the Dave thing.”
“You didn’t say anything about smoking though.”
“That’s only because I’m two seconds away from asking you for one,” I said with a smile.
Linda laughed.
I laughed.
We were both on the verge of tears for two different reasons, yet in some messed up way, it involved our hearts and falling in love with the wrong person.
The door opened again.
Brice stood there. “Breakfast is ready, ladies. Paige would like you to dine in the kitchen, please.”
He looked at me, and wiggled his eyebrows, then shut the door.
Fuck.
“God, he’s sexy as hell,” Linda whispered.
“Linda,” I growled.
“Sorry. Let’s go have some breakfast.”
“Yeah.”
That’s when another thought hit me.
Both sides of my life… the perfect one and the past one… they were both fake.
“This is really good,” Linda said. “You cooked this, Paige?”
“Yes,” Paige said.
“Don’t tell her the secret,” Brice said with a wink at Paige.
Paige smiled as her cheeks turned red. “I won’t.”
“Well, you’re cooking me breakfast from now on,” Linda said. “Secrets and all.”
“Kins, you okay over there?” Brice called out.
“I’m fine,” I said. “It is very delicious. Thank you for cooking, Paige.”
“Hey, I helped her,” Brice said.
“Is he annoying to deal with?” I asked Paige. “You can tell me.”
She giggled.
Brice stood up and walked to the fridge. He got a container of orange juice. “Glad we got power back, huh? We’d be cooking over the fire in the fireplace.”
“Speaking of which, I wonder if we have power,” Linda said.
“You’re more than welcome to hang here as long as you want,” Brice said. “Just let me know when you’re looking to leave so I can clean off my truck and make a path.”
“They don’t plow all the way up here?” Linda asked with a grin.
“No,” Brice said. “Paige, you need more orange juice, kid?”
“Sure,” she replied.
I saw the way Brice smiled as he poured her the drink.
<
br /> There was this extra something in his step.
It filled me up and broke my heart at the same time.
I couldn’t take my eyes off him as he put the orange juice away and started to collect the dirty dishes from the table. There was just something about a man his size willing and able to cook and clean.
Before I let my mind get too far ahead of itself, I stood up and carried my plate to the sink.
Brice glanced over at me. “You full, Kins?”
“Yes,” I said.
“I’ll take your plate.”
“Thank you.”
“You want to hop up on the counter there?” he asked with a sly grin. “Just to talk.”
“You’re so funny,” I said, trying not to blush.
I left the kitchen and saw that the screen on my phone was lit up.
There was a message from Ben.
Morning, my dear. Please tell me you’re okay.
I sat on the edge of the couch and wrote a reply.
I’m fine. Me, Linda, and Paige are together. Heading home shortly. Hopefully we have power. Fingers crossed, right?
Ben never replied to my message.
I was too full of anxiety to sit down. Back on my feet, I went to the window to stare out at the picture-perfect wonderland outside. I wondered what it looked like in the summer. The intense greens of the trees. Flowers. Blue skies. Animals even.
You can see this in the summer, Kinsley. If you just…
“Here, sit down,” Brice’s voice said.
I glanced over my shoulder and watched him pointing to the couch. He had a deck of cards in his hand. He sat next to Paige and showed her the cards.
“I’m teaching you how to play solitaire. Leave your phone for a minute.”
“Is this an old people game?” Paige asked.
“Yes,” Brice said. “In the dark ages before there were cell phones. What a horrible time to live, huh?”
I looked at Linda as she stood in the doorway to the kitchen.
Brice then spent the next half hour showing Paige how to play solitaire. I did my best to keep busy by making up things to look at, things to do, go into the kitchen or go outside on the porch. My heart wouldn’t stop pounding. I waited for my phone to beep or buzz with a message from Ben. I waited for Linda to have another cigarette, so I could steal one. I just couldn’t settle because of what was happening around me.
I walked from the kitchen and saw the mess of cards on the table from solitaire. Brice was back at the fireplace, poking at some burned up logs. Linda sat in the chair again with another cup of coffee. And Paige was stretched out on the couch, her phone a few inches from her face.
Then Brice looked at me. There was this look in his eyes. Happiness. A sense of home. It broke my heart into even more pieces.
I moved back to the door and left the cabin for what felt like the thousandth time that day. I rushed to the steps and paused, the realization that I couldn’t just walk anywhere hitting me hard.
It took Brice ten seconds to follow me.
“Hey, Kins, what’s going on with you? Is everything okay?”
“No,” I said without hesitation. “Nothing is okay.”
He walked down the steps and turned so we were at the same height.
“Talk to me.”
“I don’t want to.”
“Okay,” he said. “You’re going to make me stand here and guess?”
“Shut up,” I whispered.
“Hey…” He put his hand to mine. “Talk to me. Please. Is everything okay with…you know?”
“Has nothing to do with that, Brice.”
“Then why are you so pissed off?”
“This is all fake, isn’t it?”
“What’s fake?”
“Everything happening right now. It hurts.”
Brice took his hand away. He rubbed his jaw. “You mean Linda and Paige?”
“And the snow. This place. Everything around me. I have to go home today, Brice. Soon, actually. I have to figure out if I have power. And I have to check on my business. And I have to see if we will be closed tomorrow…”
“Hey, hey, hey,” he said. “Take one thing at a time. You’re letting a lot of little things get to you.”
“Okay,” I said. “It hurts to watch you with Paige. There.”
As the words came out of my mouth, I regretted them. It was stupid and petty.
Brice walked up the steps and away from me.
“I’m sorry I said that,” I said.
“No, you’re not,” he said. “Because I get it. She’s about the same age…”
“Yeah,” I said.
“I’m just trying to keep her entertained until we leave,” Brice said. “She was nervous about the storm and not having power.”
“Brice, what you did is amazing,” I said. “For me. For Linda. For Paige. You saved us. I’m sorry I let that get to me. It was just…”
“Just what?” he asked, looking over his shoulder at me.
“Just seeing you standing at the stove with her. Your backs to me. It was like… I don’t know. Like having a chance to see what our life should have been. And that’s why it’s all fake to me, Brice. Everything.”
“So, this is fake?” he asked. “You and me? I didn’t feel anything fake last night, Kins.”
“But where’s it coming from? We’re supposed to just start where we left off?”
“I never said that,” Brice said. “I’m standing here waiting for you to make a decision. Doing everything I can to be patient and not pressure you.”
“As you close in on me and kiss me,” I said. “Put me on the counter. Carry me to the table…”
“And at what point did you stop me?” he growled. “And why didn’t you call Ben for help last night?”
“Because he wasn’t around,” I snapped.
“Exactly. He’s never around. And I’m dumb enough to walk right into your trap.”
“Trap? You think I’m trapping you?”
“I’ll always help you. I’ll always be there for you. That’s the curse I live with. And if you don’t think for a second that I don’t know how you feel, then you don’t really know me. Fake? This isn’t fake. I’m standing there and I look over - and down - and I just want to say her name. I want to say Lindsay and have her look up at me. I want her to have your eyes. Your nose. Your lips. I want her to have my goofy looking ears. And my stubbornness. But that will never happen.”
“I’m sorry I said anything,” I said. “I’m just stressed right now. There’s so much happening at once, Brice.”
“It’s okay. You spoke your heart.”
He moved toward the door.
“Brice, please wait a second.”
“No,” he said. “I’m going to get my truck cleaned off. Then I can get you all home.”
“Brice…”
“I need to check in with Lucky too. And then I need to see who needs help shoveling out. Last thing I want is any of the elderly folks around town trying to shovel heavy snow and ice and end up hurting themselves.”
I licked my lips. “Brice, you missed what I’m saying.”
He had his hand on the doorknob when he looked back with a hurt and angry look on his face. “No, I didn’t. You think what I’m doing here is fake. And you’re right. This is fake. I’m teaching someone else’s daughter how to cook scrambled eggs. And how to play solitaire. I’m telling all the dumb jokes to get her to laugh too. Because this… this is as real as it gets for me. We were supposed to buy this cabin for us. Us. Not just you and me, Kins. Us. Including our daughter. This is all a big fucking reminder of everything I lost in my life. And the one thing that makes it feel okay is staring at me… and telling me it’s fake.”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” I said. “You know that. I’m hurt, Brice. I’m so fucking hurt right now.”
“I’m going to clean off my truck and get you home.”
Brice went inside to get his keys. He breezed right by me as he walked to h
is truck. He fought to free the door from the ice holding it shut. The last time I saw him this mad was right after we lost Lindsay.
I felt helpless. I felt hopeless.
He got the door open and started the truck.
I went back inside and into the kitchen, right to the corner where he had lifted me up the night before. I touched the counter and shut my eyes.
He was angry.
I was angry too.
I was hurt.
I was lost.
And now I had to leave… again.
10
What I Really Saw
Brice
She was right.
And I should have seen myself letting it happen.
The way I had been acting as though Paige was Lindsay.
I was just having that moment… watching Kinsley sleep the night before. The storm outside raging on, and I was the one protecting her from it. Kept the fire going all night, dozing off in small doses. Sleeping uncomfortably in my chair.
Being the first to wake up and get the fire going again. Heading into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee and look out the window to see what the storm had left behind. It was cold and beautifully bright; the perfect kind of morning to just lounge around. Sip coffee. Flirt with Kinsley. Cuddle on the couch. Find better ways to keep warm than just sitting in front of the fire.
That’s when Paige walked into the kitchen. Up before Linda. Up before Kinsley.
When I turned around in the kitchen and looked at her with her messy bedhead, rubbing her eyes, my brain and my heart exploded together thinking it was Lindsay. That I had been dreaming it all. That Lindsay had been born, survived, and was living the life of a normal young girl. That being in the delivery room and never knowing if I actually heard her cry or not, leaving the hospital with an empty car seat, finding a way to navigate life without her, only to lose Kinsley… it was all a nightmare. The kind of dream that shook you to your core and served as a reminder to make sure you appreciated all you had.
Only it wasn’t Lindsay in my kitchen.
It was Paige.
My brain knew that after the one-second slip-up.
But my heart…
“Brice, I cannot thank you enough for this,” Linda said as she reached from the back seat and touched my shoulder.
Nobody Else Page 8
