“Jesus,” Linda said. “That’s a long time.”
“I know. And I have these moments where I want him to… but it just doesn’t happen. But we went to this event and apparently everyone he works with thinks we’re engaged. I got so pissed about it.”
“I would too,” she said.
“I was also embarrassed because I caused it to happen. Ben was so nervous to ask me to marry him that he told people about it. That’s not like him. So… I really messed everything up, Linda. So badly. So fucking badly.”
“Ah, come here,” she said and put an arm around me. “There’s nothing I can say here, Kinsley. I can just be your friend. And I want you to be happy. Not just happy, but the happiest you can be. No matter what that is.”
“Thank you. I’m trying to figure that part out. It’s not as easy as it should be.”
“Love is not easy, Kinsley. Love is the worst thing you can experience in life.”
“Then why do people fall in love?” I asked.
“Don’t ask me,” Linda said. “I’m miserable. And now I want another cigarette.”
She winked at me.
I had to laugh to keep myself from crying.
“Look, I’m not the person to ask about love advice.”
“Can I ask what happened to you and Dave?”
“Yeah,” she said. “We held on too long. We became different people after having Paige. Not that having Paige did that. I mean, maybe a little. You go from a couple to a family in the blink of an eye. It’s just…” Linda touched my arm. “I’m sorry for saying that.”
“Saying what?”
“Talking about having Paige. I hope that didn’t come out wrong.”
“It’s fine,” I said. “I don’t expect any parent in the world to be happy all the time.”
“Dave and I just became different and we both let it go. The only thing that kept us together was Paige and old memories.”
“Just like me and Brice,” I whispered.
“But, at the same time, we were just there together,” Linda said. “He worked. I worked. We saw each other here and there. We stopped having sex. We stopped… caring. It was more or less convenient. He was used to me making dinner. I was used to him changing the oil in my car. We relied on each other for the wrong reasons.”
“Just like me and Ben,” I said.
“Sorry, Kinsley,” Linda said.
“What finally did it?”
“We started fighting a lot. And Paige noticed. He would stay out late and come home drunk. I’d get so mad that he’d drink and drive. I’d ask him what if he hit someone. Or what if someone was drunk and hit us and hurt Paige. And we’d just go back and forth. Until it was finally over. He lost himself in the booze and needed help.”
“Did he get help?”
“No. He got a divorce,” Linda said. She reached for her cigarettes. “And here we are.”
“You’re really strong, Linda. For all you do and go through.”
“You have to stop saying that kind of stuff to me. But I do appreciate it. I need to finish this” - she held out her cigarette - “and then go start dinner. If you see Ben, tell him I said thanks for the legal help.”
“I will,” I said.
“And I hope none of my personal stuff plays into your life right now.”
“Meaning what?”
“Meaning choosing Brice because he’s sexy enough to punch Dave. Or choosing Ben because he’s smart enough to help me in court.”
“Oh. Right. That won’t… whatever.”
I walked home, basking in the sun. It really tried to be warm out for a winter day and it was nice. Actually, everything was kind of nice. The back to normal routine had settled in. Although back to normal was the thing that put everything up in the air.
I stood in the spot where I read Brice’s first email.
It wasn’t that I didn’t love him or didn’t trust us with a future. I just wanted to make sure that if Ben and I weren’t going to make it, we both understood it. I didn’t want to be the woman who just left a relationship for an old love. And there was so much hidden behind Ben. I wanted both of us to understand each other so we would have the chance at happiness.
As I approached the house, Ben came pulling up the street.
He looked at me and smiled.
He parked his car next to my SUV and I waited for him to get out. When he did, I heard his voice. He was on a phone call.
When he came around the front of the SUV and saw me, he froze.
“Listen, Jeff, I’m not going to do this over the phone. Not right now. I have something better to do. You have the offer. You know cash is better than financing. If you want to fuck up this thing, then it’s on you. Call me when you accept.”
Ben’s eyes were locked onto mine.
He ended the call and slipped his phone into his pocket.
“You’re home early,” I said.
“Are you hungry?”
“Yeah. I guess it is dinnertime.”
“Did you cook anything?”
“Not yet.”
“Good. Get in the car.”
“What?”
He smirked. “Get in the car, my dear. I’m taking you to dinner.”
“Well then,” I said. “Okay.”
I walked to the car, feeling a little flustered.
Ben met me there and opened the door for me.
I hesitated.
“What’s wrong?”
“I was over at Linda’s,” I said. “She was smoking…”
Ben smirked again. “Fuck it. Get in the car.”
Now that was as shocking as anything.
I climbed into the fancy two-seater car and watched as Ben walked around the front of it.
“We have one quick stop to make before dinner,” he said.
Ah, there it is… work stuff…
“Where are we going first?” I asked.
“I have to stop and get flowers.”
“Flowers?”
Ben backed the car out of the driveway and then took off really fast.
I grabbed his wrist and gasped as he took the right turn really hard.
“We can’t go on a date without flowers, Kinsley,” he said.
“You’re stopping to buy me flowers?” I asked.
He looked at me and smiled.
The gesture should have settled me… but all it did was make me more confused.
15
On the Side
Ben
It was almost five in the morning.
I was wide awake and planned on going into the office early for some work I had to shift around. My plan had been to make sure I was home at the same time every day for the whole week. I thought of a new surprise for Kinsley for each day, just to show her that I could do this.
Work was the only thing that kept me feeling semi-sane with all the feelings inside me. Digging into my own history and talking about Chrissy and TJ was pretty bad, but sleeping next to the woman you expected to marry, and you couldn’t even take her the way you wanted… that was something else.
I took her out for dinner each night to our favorite restaurants.
Last night we came home and opened a bottle of wine. Kinsley insisted on drinking wine with me even though we both knew she didn’t exactly like it. Hell, I didn’t even like wine all that much. It was just part of the image and all that bullshit.
We were talking about my work, her work, the house, and then it just washed over me. I put my glass down and went for her. I forced her to put her glass down on the edge of the sink. The wineglass fell into the sink and broke. She let out a gasp, but I cupped her face and kept her eyes on me. I kissed her like I was never going to kiss her again.
And that thought stuck with me.
It stuck with me as my hands touched her body, wanting to rip her clothes off. It stuck with me as I chased her up the stairs to the bedroom. It stuck with me as we kissed so wildly in bed together, making out like we were teenagers trying to figure out
the rules of this stuff.
Nothing went another step though.
Each kiss was deep and passionate. Each time I looked into her eyes I questioned what she saw when she looked back at me.
I fucking hated it.
I wanted more. My body wanted more.
Yet I was just frozen in that moment.
Thinking that one of these kisses was going to be our last.
She whispered that she was feeling a little drunk and then started to laugh.
I loved when Kinsley got tipsy like that. Just slightly drunk because she would laugh at anything. She laughed so hard she started to cry. And when she cried, she rolled to her right side and clutched the covers tightly. The entire mood changed and stayed that way as I sat there and watched her. We both knew what we wanted, yet it was me who hesitated. You’d think I would steal my chance to have Kinsley to myself. To touch, kiss, and love every inch of her body. To remind her who I was and who we were together.
Except it all weighed me down and made me freeze up.
Not because I was afraid to make a move on Kinsley.
I wanted this to end.
This empty feeling inside me. The thinking about Chrissy and TJ. The moment in my relationship with Kinsley that made everything change. I wished I would have been a part of that moment because I had no fucking clue when that moment occurred.
I drifted off to sleep with my hand on Kinsley’s shoulder.
And now I was awake, getting dressed for a busy day, not sure what kind of day she had planned out.
I had everything ready to go in the kitchen and had two coffees poured when Kinsley appeared from nowhere.
Her hair was lifted up on one side and her eyes looked beaten up and tired. If I stared long enough, I could probably see her eyes pulsing with the headache that I knew was there before she said anything.
“Never again, Ben,” she whispered and touched her forehead.
“Wine hangover,” I said. “Those are terrible.”
“This is why I don’t drink wine.”
“Here,” I said, handing her a coffee.
Kinsley sat down and let out a long sigh. “I need to get a shower and get to work.”
“Call in sick.”
“There is no calling in sick for me.”
“Ah, I’m sure you can wiggle things around, right?”
“No, I can’t,” she said. “Stop telling me to do that.”
I stepped back. “Okay. Sorry.” I waited a few seconds. “Last night was fun.”
“Yeah.”
She didn’t even look at me when she said it.
“Kinsley, what’s wrong?”
Her eyes moved to me then moved away. “Nothing.”
“So, does lying seem like the right thing to do right now?”
Kinsley raised an eyebrow.
Shit. We’re crossing that delicate line again…
“You know what’s wrong, Ben.”
“Do I?”
“This week has been great,” she said. “Really great.”
“Good. I planned it that way. And I might not be done yet.”
Kinsley smiled for a fraction of a second. “We had a really good night last night, Ben. And we ended it…”
I turned my head for a second. “Right.”
“I told you what I said and what I did,” Kinsley said. “I listened to your words, Ben. About the past. I appreciate you being here through everything.”
“You haven’t said a thing about what we are and what that ring means to you.”
“Maybe I’m not quite there yet,” she said. “Maybe that’s something we should talk about.”
“Have at it,” I said. “I’ve got time.”
“Ben…”
“No. I’ve got time for you, Kinsley. You don’t trust me, and I understand that.”
“Ben, it’s not about trust.”
“Then what is it?”
“It’s about changing.”
“Meaning?”
“I can’t ask you to change who you are.”
“Yet that’s what you want.”
“I don’t know,” she said. “This week has been great. But we know it won’t continue forever. Whether you try to or not, if it’s not who you are, then so be it.”
“Yeah, I’m not sure that’s supposed to make me feel anything good.”
“I don’t mean it to be mean,” she said.
“But that’s not the only thing on your mind, Kinsley.”
“No, it’s not.”
“You think by avoiding Brice for a couple of weeks makes everything okay again,” I said. “I’m surprising you each night. You’re here with me. And you’re wondering why we aren’t tearing each other’s clothes off and taking advantage of crazy makeup sex.”
“That’s one way of putting it.”
“I told you I wasn’t going to play any games with competing in that department.” I stepped closer to the table. “I’m still not.”
“I’m not asking you to. But it’s been since-”
“I know when the last time we were together, Kinsley. You don’t think it hurts me? It does.”
“I’m right here, Ben,” she said.
“You’re right there,” I said. “Sitting there. Sipping coffee. Hungover.”
“That’s right,” she said. “I don’t think love is as easy as you believe it is, Ben. What you had before… what I had before… maybe those were the puppy dog love kind of things. And then…”
I put a hand to Kinsley’s to get her to stop talking. “You’re not asking the right question.”
“Which is what?”
“You’re not asking why I feel the way I do about our bedroom situation. Because it’s not jealousy. I’m not jealous of another man. I know what I have and what I can do.”
“Then what is it?” Kinsley asked.
I felt the rusted dagger twist once more in my heart.
Another piece of the past fell away.
“Chrissy was having an affair right before she died.”
It wasn’t the best way to spend my day. With that lingering taste in my mouth. That confession to Kinsley. The blemish on Chrissy’s record as the woman I truly loved with all my heart. But if I was going to get backed into a corner then what else was I supposed to do? I didn’t want to get into every personal situation I lived through in my life.
But that’s where this path was going to take me.
I had a handful of meetings, two being right in the heart of the city. I didn’t like being far away from Kinsley. I didn’t like dropping that on her that morning and then leaving. But she wanted to know. She wanted to push and get everything out of me. For what? To make a decision on who she really loved?
I reminded myself it wasn’t fair to be mad at her.
We had both led each other to this position. It would have been only a matter of time before things exploded anyway. Living a life that was… fake… everything planned, even the smallest of detail… that was good to think about. It was good to live. But it wasn’t reality.
I left the city and started to make my way home.
There was one last surprise that I had for Kinsley. A hell of a way to end the week. A long weekend trip to Florida. Get home and fly out right away. Then stay until Monday. Of course, that meant she would have to rearrange her Monday schedule at work. If she was willing to do that.
How long could I keep this up?
Maybe I had no plan for it.
Maybe I was waiting for her to make a move in this situation, so we could actually move forward. Maybe she was waiting for me to tell her everything. Not just about Chrissy and TJ being killed, but everything else.
I purposely left my suit jacket over the plane tickets on the passenger seat of the car after I pulled into the driveway.
Kinsley was already home, waiting for me in the kitchen as though I had been out all night drinking at a strip club. Staring at me with sad and confused eyes. Eyes that perhaps always looked that way, but at least a year
ago at this time she would smile and kiss me. She would chase me around the house, asking questions, worrying about dinner, trying to crack my shell.
I never let her crack my shell and look how that turned out.
“How was your day, my dear?” I asked.
“Busy. It went by fast though. I was talking to Deb and looking at some things. I think I need to expand my hours a little more.”
“Oh?” I asked.
“More nights. It’s hard to rely on late morning and early afternoon so much, you know?”
I nodded. “Okay. That’s not a bad idea.”
“How was your day?” she asked.
“Good,” I said.
The conversation was as dry as a desert in the midday sun.
We both fell silent as she stared at me.
“Chrissy had something going on,” I said. “Okay? I don’t like talking about it because I don’t want anyone to ever judge her for it.”
“Okay,” Kinsley said. “I’m sorry, Ben.”
“For what? It’s just something that happens, I guess. I had been working a lot. I was tired and stressed. TJ had been having a really rough go of it in school. There was a bullying thing going on; kids picking on him for being friends with girls. To me, I thought he was too young for that stuff and that it didn’t really matter. I should have been there more. I did the macho guy thing, Kinsley. Okay? I thought it would just work itself out. It was a time when they both needed me, and Chrissy and I weren’t seeing eye to eye on things. She kind of made it a point to remind me that she was TJ’s mother. My little family had a crack in it.”
“No family is perfect, Ben. It doesn’t matter who the family is.”
“I know that, Kinsley. You do know I grew up with my mother raising me on her own. And she passed away from a liver issue when I was twenty. Believe me, I get how messed up family can be. Chrissy and I had problems, okay? And she made a decision.”
Kinsley lowered her head. “Ben…”
“This is why I didn’t want to say anything to you,” I said. “Because I don’t want you to compare yourself to her. And honestly, things happen. What also happened was that I was not only hurt, but I wanted to make sure she stayed with me. So, I did anything other than actually talk about what was going on. That meant making sure I paid her extra attention, if you know what I mean. And it just wasn’t the same…”
Nobody Else Page 15
