by Blythe Reid
Scarlet was already there, staring ahead and waiting for me. When she saw me, her face lit up, and my guilt worsened. I hated feeling this way. I didn’t want to hurt her or myself, but I didn’t know what to do or say. Scarlet’s feelings for me were strong, that much was clear, but mine weren’t as clear. I cared about her, and if it weren’t for Adam, I wouldn’t have second guessed anything.
Still, as I sat down beside her, I found myself wishing I was anywhere else. Just looking at her face made my stomach clench painfully. Her eyes were red and swollen. My suspicions were right. She’d definitely been crying.
“I’m sorry to drag you out here,” Scarlet said. “I just really needed to see you.”
“What happened?” I asked.
“My mom called me today,” Scarlet began. “I was so excited to talk to her. I wanted to tell her everything about my new life, you know? But when I did, she freaked out. She lost her mind over the fact that I went to a frat party and that I’ve been seeing you. She demanded that I come home.”
“She what?” I asked. My emotions were suddenly put on hold as I registered what Scarlet said.
She nodded. “Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either. She hung up on me, and when I got home, Grandmother told me my mom called her. Apparently, she’s setting up an in-home nursing service for Grandmother so that I can leave. She wants me back in France as soon as possible.”
My mouth hung open as Scarlet spoke. I closed it slowly, shaking my head back and forth. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Scarlet’s mother sounded completely insane.
“You said your mom was strict, but I had no idea,” I said. “That’s fucking crazy.”
“It’s insane!” Scarlet said angrily. “I can’t believe she would do this to me. I moved here to help Grandmother, and that’s what I’m doing. Why shouldn’t I have a life in the meantime? I’m doing well in school. I’ve made friends. Most mothers would be proud, right? I don’t understand why my mom can’t just let me live my life.”
I shrugged. “Because she’s a mom. They’re controlling sometimes.”
“She is beyond controlling,” Scarlet argued. “I thought it was bad before, when I lived with her, but now? I never imagined she would do something like this. She went so far as to call my grandmother. She’s demanding I go home immediately.”
I shook my head again and looked around us. The park was basically empty. The sun was already setting, and everyone was going home. This was our favorite time to be here, at dusk when the world was still and silent. It was our reprieve from the lights and noises of the city. Every other time I sat on this bench with Scarlet, I felt at peace. Now, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin. She was upset with her mom and wanted comfort, but I couldn’t give it to her. All I could do was sit there and let her talk.
“I don’t want to leave,” she whispered.
I looked back at her quickly. Her eyes were brimming with tears again. I couldn’t move a muscle. Part of me wanted to slide over and wrap her up in my arms. I wanted to hold her tightly until she calmed down. It was within my power to make her feel better, but I couldn’t do it.
Instead, I just sat there and watched the tears roll down her cheeks, waiting for her to say more. At first, she didn’t. She just cried silently for a while. When she finally turned to face me, her eyes were open and vulnerable.
“My life is perfect here,” she said. “I have everything I could ever want. School is amazing. Lexie is such a good friend. And you. I don’t want to leave you, not now.”
“Scarlet,” I said softly.
“Just listen,” she said, silencing me with a look. “I know we haven’t known each other for very long, and I know we haven’t defined whatever this is between us, but I like you, Lucien. I like you so much. I don’t want this to end, and if I leave, it will.”
“But you can’t just disobey your mom,” I said.
“Can’t I?” she asked eagerly. She moved closer to me and took my hands in hers. “Would it be so bad if I did?”
“For her, it would be,” I said. I wanted to pull my hands away from her, but I couldn’t. She was holding onto me too tightly.
“That doesn’t matter!” she insisted. “I’m an adult. This is my life. I’ve built a life here, one that’s entirely my own. I can’t just let her rip me away from it. I don’t have to. I don’t have to listen to her. Not anymore.”
“Do you really want to do that?” I asked. “Do you want to risk your relationship with your mom?”
“I think so,” she said. “Besides, this is her doing anyway. She is the one who’s demanding I leave. She is the one tearing me away from everything that makes me happy. If our relationship suffers, it’s her fault. Not mine. I shouldn’t feel guilty about living my own life. Everyone else my age is doing the exact same thing. Most of them are worse off than me! I have direction. I’m about to graduate college, for god’s sake! She should be happy for me!”
Scarlet’s rant was intense and full of anger. I could tell she needed to get everything off her chest, but I was barely listening. Once she mentioned her feelings for me as a reason for her to stay, I shut down. My hands began to sweat, and all I could think about was running away. I wanted to sprint out of the park and never look back. Scarlet was already too attached to me. Adam was right. I couldn’t let this go on any longer.
“Scarlet,” I said, stopping her rant mid-sentence. “You should go.”
“What?” She blinked.
“To France,” I said. “I think you should go back to France.”
“If you’re just saying that to protect my relationship with my mom…”
“No,” I said, shaking my head. I pulled my hands free from her grasp and rubbed them on my jeans. “That’s not it.”
“Then, what is it?” she asked. Her voice was raw and emotional. The sound made my ears burn. I didn’t know how much longer I could handle sitting there.
“I’m not the guy you think I am,” I said slowly. “You have this romantic image of me, of us, and it’s not true. It’s partly my fault. I let you feel this way. I led you on without meaning to, and I’m sorry, Scarlet, but this isn’t a relationship. You and me, we aren’t together. Not in the way you want us to be.”
“But,” Scarlet said. “We are. We spend every spare second together, Lucien. You can’t tell me that doesn’t mean something.”
“It doesn’t,” I said firmly. “We’ve just been having fun. That’s no reason to stay in New York. If your mother wants you back in France, then that’s where you should be.”
Scarlet’s eyes were wide as I spoke. Her tears were back and flowing freely down her cheeks. She didn’t even bother to wipe them away. To spare myself the pain of having to see her cry, I looked away. I watched the trees rustle in the wind and the birds fly by. Scarlet remained sitting beside me, silently crying and secretly hoping I would change my mind.
I wouldn’t. I couldn’t. Not after everything I just said. I’d ripped off the band aid, and now, the wound was exposed and painful. Scarlet’s tears didn’t stop. When I finally glanced at her again, she was still staring at me in disbelief. Without a word, she rose to her feet and slowly made her way down the path, away from me.
As I sat there, I watched her disappear into the darkness. She became a tiny pinprick in the distance, and then, she was gone. I kept staring at that same spot, unable to look away. The sight of her tears was still burned into my eyes. I couldn’t believe I’d hurt her that way. She was just an innocent, beautiful girl who deserved better than I could give her. I’d broken her heart, and I didn’t even know why.
What was wrong with me?
24
Scarlet
After my conversation with Lucien, everything changed. All the fight left my body, and I was ready to obey my mother’s orders. I walked back to my grandmother’s house in a fog, hearing Lucien’s voice echoing painfully in my ears. Every time I remembered the dismissive tone in his voice, I winced and shook my head.
The pain I fel
t was a deep, physical pain that affected everything from my head to my organs. I could feel my heart breaking inside my chest. In that moment, I would have done anything to stop the pain.
When I made it back home, I let myself inside and went straight to my room. I could hear Grandmother moving around in the kitchen, so I knew she was still awake, but I couldn’t face her. I was worried that she, like my mother, was disappointed with my choices.
Ever since I moved to New York, I hadn’t been myself. I was more free and light-hearted. I made decisions based on emotions, not logic. For a long time, I thought the change was a good one, but now, I was no longer sure of anything.
I believed Lucien cared for me. We weren’t in love, not yet, but it felt like we were heading in that direction. Even though we never had “the talk,” our relationship felt real. Committed. I wasn’t seeing anyone else, and I didn’t believe he was either. But I was wrong.
What I thought was a sweet, caring guy was just another manipulative frat boy who would do anything for sex. I laid down on my bed and tried not to think about him. I had an important decision to make, and I needed to put Lucien out of my mind.
A few minutes later, I knew it was impossible. Lucien was tied to so much of my life in New York that I couldn’t just take him out of the equation. If I stayed, it would feel like I was staying for him. If I left, it would feel like I was running away from his rejection. Neither decision felt right.
In just one day, my entire life had flipped on its head. My confusion had hit an all-time high, and I didn’t want to move for fear of making yet another wrong decision. I felt frozen in place and in time, unable to lift so much as a single finger.
When I finally got up the nerve to move, I knew what to do. I didn’t want to succumb to my mother’s demands, but I no longer saw any other option. Hours before, I was ready to fight for my life in New York with every ounce of strength I possessed. I was so certain my life here meant something. That it was real. But I was wrong about Lucien. I was wrong about everything between us, and now, I didn’t know what was real anymore. If I could be so easily manipulated, maybe my mother was right. Maybe I wasn’t ready to be on my own.
The thought made me want to cry all over again, but I’d run out of tears. I’d spend the better part of the evening crying. I was done. There was no longer any time to be emotional. It was time to be rational, just like my mother taught me. Despite my anger toward her, I trusted her. She was right about Lucien, so she must be right about everything else. If she wanted me home, I would go.
I picked up my phone and slowly dialed my mother’s number. With the first ring, I felt my stomach tighten painfully. I didn’t know if she would answer. She was so angry with me before that she hung up without a goodbye. It wouldn’t have surprised me at all if she ignored my phone calls for a few days. Still, I hoped she wouldn’t.
After my time in the park, I needed the comfort of my mother’s voice. We didn’t always see eye to eye, but she was still my mom, and my heart was breaking. I just wanted her to promise everything would be okay.
“Scarlet,” she said when she answered.
“Hi, Mom,” I said softly, my voice weak and defeated. “I’m ready to come home.”
Two days later, I was standing in my bedroom at Grandmother’s house, just staring around the room. It was time to pack my things, but I couldn’t bring myself to start. The second I packed, my decision would be final. In so many ways, it was already final, but this was the last step before it was over. My time in New York was about to end, and I didn’t know if I was ready.
As I moved around the room, my eyes fell on my copy of Flames of Sorrow. I walked over to it and ran my fingers over the cover, feeling the rise and fall of the letters. This book had been my comfort, my inspiration, and my best friend for years. When I had no one, I had the characters within these pages. I believed everything they told me about love and friendship. I put my faith in a fictional world, and it betrayed me. It was wrong about everything. Love wasn’t eternal. Men didn’t wait forever for their soulmates. Men lied and manipulated to get what they wanted.
Angrily, I picked up the book and threw it in the trash can. I stared at it sitting there, growing angrier by the second. I quickly covered it up with spare scraps of paper so I wouldn’t have to look at it any longer. Just the sight of it made me sick to my stomach. How could I have been so stupid? How could I have let myself get led on that way? I lost my virginity to a guy who didn’t even care about me. In the blink of an eye, I became the cliché college girl, and I hated myself for it.
Finally, I began to pack. I folded my clothes neatly and laid them in my suitcase, making sure everything fit perfectly. When everything felt out of control, I took pleasure in organization. It felt like I was once again returning to my previous self, the shy girl from Paris, France who was home schooled and sheltered, the girl who wanted adventure but was happy to listen to her mother without argument. With every item I packed, a piece of my old self fell firmly back in place. In a way, it was painful and sad, but also comforting.
When Grandmother came to join me, she didn’t say a word. She sat on the edge of the bed and watched me closely. Her eyes were kind and understanding, but there was something else mixed into her expression.
Part of me wondered if she was disappointed with my decision to leave, but I couldn’t bring myself to ask her. I didn’t think I could take yet another person being upset with me. After fighting with my mom and being rejected by Lucien, I’d hit my emotional breaking point.
“What made you change your mind, Scarlet?” Grandmother finally asked.
I looked at her, my standard answer poised on my lips. When my mother asked me this same question two days ago, I lied. I told her I realized she was right, that my life in New York wasn’t a healthy one. It wasn’t true, but it pleased her.
With my grandmother, I knew she wouldn’t believe me. No matter how much bullshit I spouted at her, she would see right through me. Lucien was the last thing I wanted to talk about, but I didn’t have a choice. Grandmother was the one person I couldn’t lie to.
“I talked to Lucien,” I said. “And he said I should go.”
“So, you’re leaving because of a boy?” Grandmother asked.
“No,” I said, shaking my head firmly. “I’m leaving because I was wrong about everything, Grandmother. I thought I was ready to really be an adult and be on my own. I was making my own choices, and they felt like good ones. Then, I realized they weren’t. I wasn’t being smart. I was being naïve and immature. Everything that felt right, was wrong.”
“Like what?” Grandmother asked.
“Like Lucien,” I said. “My mom was right. Men aren’t worth it. They just lie and hurt you. They say whatever they can to get you into bed and once they do, they’re just done with you.”
“Is that what Lucien did?” Grandmother asked.
“It was my fault,” I said. “I was too stupid to realize the truth. That’s why I’m leaving, Grandmother. Mom was right. I’m not ready for this. For any of it. If I can’t even see when a guy is using me, then how I can I trust any of my decisions?”
Grandmother smiled kindly and moved closer to me on the bed. She placed her hand gently on my leg and looked in my eyes. The amount of understanding in her expression was enough to make my eyes well with tears. No one had ever looked at me with so much sympathy and love before. It was overwhelming.
“You aren’t stupid,” she said softly. “You did the same thing every woman has done before you. You let your heart lead you, and that is never the wrong choice.”
“But, it was,” I argued. “He didn’t care about me.”
“Maybe not,” Grandmother said. “But you cared about him, right?”
“Yes,” I said. “Of course, I did.”
“Then, what was wrong about it?” Grandmother asked. “Tell me, where was the mistake?”
“He hurt me,” I said simply.
“And that makes it a mistake?” she asked.
“Doesn’t it?” I asked.
“No,” she shook her head. “It hurts, and it will probably hurt for a long time, but that just means it was real. It doesn’t make it wrong or a mistake. It doesn’t make you stupid or untrustworthy. I’ve watched you closely since you’ve been here, Scarlet. From what I’ve seen, you haven’t made a single bad decision. You’ve just made decisions. You’ve experienced life in ways you never would have back home. Once you get over this pain, you’ll realize just how much you learned from your time here. You’ll realize it was worth it.”
Grandmother’s words warmed my heart. For the first time in days, I didn’t feel like a failure. I wasn’t sure I believed her, but it felt nice to hear.
“You don’t think I should leave, do you?” I asked, suddenly coming to that realization.
“I think,” she began. “That going home could be a really good thing. You’ve lived here, you’ve learned, and now you’re leaving. That’s a natural progression. But I also think staying could be a good choice, too. That’s the thing, Scarlet. Sometimes there isn’t a right or a wrong choice. You just have to do what you feel is right.”
“What if I can’t trust myself?” I asked.
“You can,” she smiled softly. “You just have to remember that you can.”
I nodded and looked away. It was all too much for me to take in. I was already leaving. There was no way around that fact. The second I gave in to my mom’s wish, I lost my ability to fight. The decision was made, and that was it.
Still, I let my grandmother’s words comfort me in my decision. She was right about one thing, decisions were complicated. Sometimes, they aren’t wrong or right. Sometimes, they just are. I didn’t know if my choice to leave would be for the best or the worst, but I was making it. That was one thing I learned during my time in New York, how to choose. Before, I let other people decide my life for me. Now, I was the one in control. If that was the only thing I took away from New York, then I would be okay. At least I’d learned something.
