by Laura Iding
Even though they’d only dated for two months, he’d suspected he was falling for her. And that had caused him to overreact to everything she’d done. He hadn’t been able to find a way to stop himself from constantly questioning her.
His selfish fears had pushed her away at the moment she’d probably needed him most.
He opened his eyes and looked at Raine, mourning the loss. His fault. What had happened to Raine was largely his fault. And now there was no going back.
Whatever feelings she might have had toward him were likely gone. What he hadn’t destroyed had likely been demolished by her assailant.
Picking up his mug of coffee, he took a sip, grimacing at the cold temperature. His gaze burned with deep regret as he watched her sleep.
Raine opened her eyes, momentarily confused for a moment about where she was. Grizzly let out a deep sigh beside her. She blinked, realizing she was still on Caleb’s sofa, suffocatingly warm as a result of being sandwiched between the blanket and the large dog.
She might be sweltering, but she’d also slept the entire night through without waking up. For the first time since the night of the assault.
She’d felt safe with Caleb. And Grizzly.
Feeling better than she had in a long time, she gingerly sat up, surprised to find Caleb asleep in the easy-chair across from her. So both the man and the dog had watched over her. She winced a bit, realizing that the way Caleb’s head lay at such an awkward angle he would probably wake up with a severe crick in his neck.
His eyes shot open, startling her.
She licked suddenly dry lips, smoothing a hand self-consciously over her tangled hair. “Good morning.”
“Morning.” He straightened in the chair, twisting his head from side to side, stretching the tense muscles. “Are you hungry? We didn’t eat anything for dinner last night.”
Her stomach rumbled and for the second time in as many minutes she was surprised to discover her nausea was absent and her appetite had returned. “Yes, as a matter of fact, I am. Do you want help?”
Caleb shook his head. “No, I’ll throw something together. Omelets okay?”
“Sure.” The inane conversation helped keep things in perspective. Caleb had always been a nice guy, of course that hadn’t changed. But she couldn’t lie to herself. She’d caught the fleeting glimpse of appalled horror in his gaze when she’d finally confessed the truth. Luckily, there was no sign of his aversion now.
She untangled her legs from the blanket. “I’ll, uh, need to borrow your bathroom for a minute.”
“Help yourself. This will take a few minutes, anyway.” Caleb seemed to be giving her distance, letting the dog out as she went past him towards the bathroom.
Ten minutes later, feeling slightly more human after washing up a bit, Raine returned to the kitchen. Caleb had changed his clothes too, looking ruggedly handsome in his casual jeans and T-shirt. He was busy pouring the egg mixture into the pan, and then added ham, cheese and mushrooms.
She smoothed a hand over her badly wrinkled scrubs, feeling awkward as Caleb cooked for her. “Are you sure you don’t need help with anything?”
“I’m sure. Why don’t you sit down at the table? The coffee should be ready in a minute.” After a few minutes he pulled plates out of the cupboard, slid two fluffy omelets onto them and carried them over to the table.
For long moments they ate in silence. When the coffee was ready, he poured them each a mug, laced hers with the vanilla-flavored creamer and brought them to the table.
“Thanks,” she said, accepting the cup. “I guess I should apologize for falling asleep on you.”
“No, you shouldn’t.” His tone was tense, but his gaze was uncertain as he glanced at her. “I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to sleep here.”
She glanced away, hating the awkwardness that loomed between them.
“Besides, did you really think Grizz was going to let you leave without a fight?” Caleb asked lightly. “He was in doggy heaven, sleeping on the sofa beside you.”
A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, especially when Grizzly’s head perked up at his name. “I didn’t mind. He was wonderful company.”
Caleb took a sip of his coffee, eyeing her over the rim. “You honestly haven’t told anyone else? Not even your brothers?”
Her smile faded. She shook her head. “Especially not my brothers.”
Caleb frowned. “Elana?”
“No. She and Brock have been so happy, planning the nursery for the new baby, that I couldn’t find a way to tell her.” She forced herself to meet his gaze. “I’ve been too embarrassed. Too ashamed to tell anyone.”
“You have nothing to be ashamed of, Raine,” he said with a frown.
Too bad she didn’t really believe him. “I’ve been seeing a counselor and talking to her has helped,” she said instead.
He nodded encouragingly. “That’s good.”
She set her fork down, not really in the mood to talk about this any more. “Thanks for breakfast, Caleb, but I really should get going.”
Caleb didn’t pick up on her hint. “Do the police have any leads on this guy?”
“Not that I know of,” she admitted.
“They must have something to go on,” he pressed. “Surely you remember some of the men who were there that night.”
Her stomach cramped and she put a hand over it, as the nausea returned. Like it always did when she thought about how she’d acted that night at Jamie’s bachelorette party, dancing and flirting with the various players and fans of the rugby team who had come in to celebrate their win, buying rounds of drinks for their group.
One of whom could have drugged her. Assaulted her.
Had he fathered a child, too?
CHAPTER EIGHT
“RAINE?” She glanced up when Caleb called her name, staring at him blankly when he leaned forward, his gaze full of concern. “You’re awfully pale. Are you all right?”
“Fine,” she forced herself to answer, willing the nausea away. Telling Caleb the truth had felt good last night, but now she was beginning to regret giving in. Why did he feel the need to keep talking about what had happened? There was no reason to keep harping on it. She wasn’t ready to give him every excruciating detail.
As Helen had said, talking about it didn’t change what had happened.
And if he knew everything, he’d realize he might have been right to accuse her of wanting other men. Hadn’t she attended the bachelorette party that night, flirting like crazy, in an effort to prove she was over Caleb?
Grizz came over to lick her fingers, as if he could sense her distress, and she stroked his silky ebony fur, trying to summon a smile. “If you don’t mind, I’d rather not talk about that night. It’s been really hard, but I’m trying to move past what happened to me.”
Instantly, Caleb’s face paled, his gaze stricken. “I’m sorry. I should have realized…”
His self-recrimination wasn’t necessary. Being treated differently was part of the reason she’d chosen not to say anything to anyone. She lifted her chin. “I don’t want your pity, Caleb. I’ve been trying to move forward in my life. To focus on all the positive things I have to be grateful for, rather than dwelling on the negative.”
He frowned a little and rubbed the back of his neck. “Pity is not at all what I’m feeling right now. I admire you. I think you’re amazing, Raine. Truly.”
His sincere, earnest expression eased some of the tension in her stomach. “I’m not. Obviously, taking care of Helen proves I still have a long ways to go. But each day gets a little better. At least, it had been, until last night.”
If anything, he paled more. “Because you told me? Telling me made it worse for you?”
“No,” she hastened to reassure him. “Because of Helen. I fainted, for heaven’s sake. I thought I was handling trauma fairly well, even though taking care of Becca had been really hard. We saved Greg Hanson, which helped immensely. I thought I’d gotten over the worst, but then Hele
n came in and I lost it.”
“You handled the stress all far better than anyone could expect.” He frowned a little. “I knew you’d taken a temporary position in the minor care area. This was the reason?”
“Yeah. I couldn’t take off work for more than a week and still pay my rent, so I asked Theresa, my boss, to put me in Minor Care. Just happened that one of the nurses was out on a medical leave so it was easy to cover her hours.”
“I thought you were avoiding me,” he admitted.
She lifted her shoulder in a half-shrug. “I was avoiding everyone, not just you.”
He stared at her for several long seconds, the last few bites of his meal forgotten. “I feel so damned helpless,” he said in a low, agonized tone. “Is there something I can do? Anything?”
She started to shake her head, but then stopped. She looked at Caleb, seated across the table from her, keeping his distance from the moment he’d discovered the truth, as if she were some sort of leper. They didn’t have the same relationship they’d once had, but certainly over these past few days they’d re-established their friendship. Hadn’t they?
“Actually, I could use a hug.” The moment the words were out of her mouth, she wished she could call them back as they made her sound pathetic. Hadn’t she just told him she didn’t want his pity?
“Really?” The flare of cautious hope in his eyes caught her off guard. He quickly rose to his feet and crossed over to her, holding out his hand in a silent invitation.
Was she crazy? Maybe. Reaching out, she put her hand in his and allowed him to draw her to her feet. And then he slowly, carefully, as if she might break, drew her into his arms.
Enticed by his solid warmth and gentle strength, she wrapped her arms around his waist and buried her face against his chest, breathing deeply, as if she could never get enough of his heady, comforting scent. She’d missed this so much! More than she would have thought possible.
Maybe she’d made a mistake by not telling him. She’d avoided it because she’d known that the person he’d once been attracted to was gone for ever. She’d never be that free-spirited girl again. But she might have misjudged him. Caleb would have stood by her as a friend.
She tightened her grip, silently telling him how much she appreciated this. And when his mouth lightly brushed against the top of her head, she sucked in a quick breath, stunned by a flash of desire.
For a moment she closed her eyes, wishing desperately for the chance to go back, to make a better decision.
His broad hand lightly stroked her back, and she knew his intention was probably to offer comfort, but her skin tingled with awareness. She was tempted to reach up to kiss him. Ironically, she was happy to know she could still feel desire, this deep yearning for physical closeness. That what had happened to her, as awful as it was, hadn’t stolen everything.
She still wanted Caleb. The attraction she’d felt for him the moment they’d met was still there.
But would he ever trust her with his whole heart?
She closed her eyes against the prick of tears. No, she didn’t think Caleb was really capable of trusting her with his whole heart and soul. And crying wasn’t going to change that. Enough of the poor-me syndrome. She had a lot to be thankful for. Negative energy wasn’t productive.
Taking a deep breath, she let it out slowly. A tiny part of her wanted to stay in his arms like this for ever, but regretfully she pressed a quick kiss against the fabric of his shirt before loosening her grip on his waist. He immediately let go, and her moment of euphoria deflated when she realized the desire she’d experienced was clearly one-sided.
“Thanks,” she murmured, determined not to show him how much she’d been affected by his embrace. “I needed that.”
“Any time,” he said, in a low husky tone.
Surprised, she glanced up at his dark gray eyes, realizing he sincerely meant it. Was it possible he may still have some desire for her? Even after what had happened? She was afraid to hope. “I…uh, should get going. I’m scheduled to work today.”
She sensed he wanted to argue, but in the end he simply nodded. “Okay, give me a few minutes to clean up in here, I don’t want to leave everything out with Grizzly around.”
“I’ll help.” She stacked their plates and carried them over to the kitchen sink. And as they worked companionably side by side in the kitchen, she caught a glimpse of the future she might have had with Caleb.
If only she’d swallowed her pride and returned his calls instead of going to the bachelorette party in an effort to forget about him.
“Are you ready to go?” Caleb asked, glancing over at Raine. He wished he could come up with some valid or believable reason to encourage her to stay.
Rather than just the fact that he didn’t want her to leave.
Holding her in his arms had been amazing. Humbling. He’d known she’d only wanted comfort from a friend and nothing more, so he’d garnered every ounce of willpower to keep his embrace non-sexual and non-threatening, despite his deeper desire for more.
One step at a time. He was still hurt that Raine hadn’t come to him sooner, that she’d chosen to ignore his phone calls rather than to confide in him. But she was here now. Had spent the night on his sofa, with Grizz. Which meant she trusted him at least a little.
Didn’t she?
“Sure. I’m ready if you are.”
He wasn’t ready at all, but he searched the kitchen counter until he found his keys. When he turned back to face Raine, he found she’d dropped to her knees to give Grizz a big hug. The dampness around her eyes wrenched his heart.
He couldn’t stand the thought that she’d endured all this alone.
The atmosphere in the car during the ride back to the hospital was quietly subdued. He wanted to offer to give her another hug, but worried about coming on too strong. Logically, he knew it was best to let Raine set the pace for what she wanted or was comfortable with. He could only imagine what she’d gone through.
So he didn’t reach for her, even though he desperately wanted to.
“Thanks for the ride,” she said softly, when he’d pulled up to her car in the parking lot. “And thanks for letting me borrow Grizzly last night. It’s the first night I’ve slept peacefully since…” Her voice trailed off as she fumbled for the doorhandle.
Oh, man, now he didn’t really want her to leave, if last night was the first night she’d slept well since the assault. But she seemed intent on getting out of the car quickly, so he jumped out and came around to open the door for her, trying to think of a polite way to convince her to stay. “I’m sure Grizz would be thrilled if you’d come spend another night on my sofa.”
Her lopsided smile tugged on his heart, but she gave a small shake of her head, declining his offer. “Thanks again.” She lifted up on tiptoe and brushed a light kiss on his cheek, surprising him speechless. He wanted badly to crush her close, but kept his arms at his sides so he wouldn’t scare her. “Bye, Caleb.”
He could barely force the words from his throat. “Bye, Raine. I’ll be at work tonight too, so I’ll see you later.”
He stood, staring after her as she climbed into her car and started the engine. And when she backed out and drove away, it was all he could do not to follow her home.
She’d kissed him. Asked for a hug.
Was he a complete fool for thinking her actions were a sign she was willing to give him another chance?
Raine drove home, feeling better than she had in a long time. The cramping nausea that had plagued her endlessly seemed to have vanished.
Maybe her life was finally getting back on track. Telling Caleb, as difficult as it had been, had helped. At least around him she didn’t have to pretend any more.
When she passed a drugstore, her previous doubts re-surfaced. Quickly making a U-turn, she headed back to the store to purchase a home pregnancy test. Enough procrastinating.
It was time to know the truth, one way or the other.
Despite her extreme self-cons
ciousness, no one looked at her with blatant curiosity when she purchased a two-in-one home pregnancy kit. The company had been smart enough to provide two tests in one box, providing a back-up in case she did something wrong the first time.
Clutching the bag tightly to her chest, she walked up to her second-story apartment and greeted Spice, who sniffed the remnants of Grizzly’s scent on her scrubs with feline disdain.
“Don’t worry,” she said, scratching the cat behind the ears. “You’re still my favorite.”
Spice walked away, with her tail high in the air, seemingly looking at her with reproach.
Raine took the pregnancy test with her into the bathroom. She took a shower and then sat down to read the directions on the test kit. The process was easy enough and didn’t require that she wait until the morning. Without giving herself a chance to change her mind, she carefully followed the instructions. The brief period of waiting seemed to take three hours instead of three minutes.
Gathering her strength and mentally preparing for the worst, she took a deep breath and went over to look at the test strip.
The words Not Pregnant practically jumped out at her. She blinked and leaned closer, looking again to make sure she wasn’t simply imagining things.
Not Pregnant.
She wasn’t pregnant. Her knees went weak and she dropped onto the seat of the commode, her mind grappling with the news. This was good. She should be relieved she wasn’t pregnant.
So why the strange sense of emptiness underlying the relief?
She’d always hoped to have children one day, but not yet. And not like this. But, still, she couldn’t quite push aside the feeling.
She shook off her conflicting thoughts. Now she knew. Whatever was bothering her wasn’t a baby. She put a hand over her stomach, which still didn’t feel totally normal, but certainly not as upset as it had been earlier. Was it possible she’d tested herself too early? She turned back to pick up the box, reading the instructions again. Sure enough, the company did recommend taking the test again after a week, just to be sure.
