Obsessed

by Ruchi Kokcha

  6

  Avik got ready and left for Dr Neerja’s house. On the way he thought about why the letter had had such a gripping effect on him.

  Ananki is permeating my self almost to the point of controlling my instincts. The thought sent a shiver down his spine. It is time that I snap this strange connection and gain greater command over my actions.

  When he arrived at Dr Neerja’s home, he saw that Khyati was already there, talking to her as they sat at a tea table in the garden. Dr Neerja was looking at her seriously, making notes as Khyati spoke.

  Avik felt betrayed and walked briskly towards the table, calling out a greeting so as to interrupt their conversation. Dr Neerja turned to him and then smiled when she saw the bag he carried. She left the two together and went into the house to bring tea for Avik.

  Avik sat silently on the chair beside Khyati, not looking at her even once, which bothered her. She asked him why he was behaving so strangely. Avik tried hard to push his anger down, ignoring her for some time, then blurted out, ‘Why did you have to discuss Ananki’s belongings before I got here? Could you not wait? Or maybe you just wanted to take all the credit for yourself? I never thought you would do this to me.’

  Khyati was stunned at this bombardment. For the first time she regretted helping him with this case. Her eyes were full of anger and with great effort, she forced a reply to Avik’s accusations.

  ‘I feel sorry for you, Avik, for thinking such things about me. I was talking to Dr Neerja about the therapies that should be used in cases where the patient does not respond to any external stimuli, like Ananki, who has shut herself off from the outer world. I wanted to help you, but I don’t think you deserve it. All the best for this and your future endeavours.’

  Avik noticed that although her voice was low, it was brimming with anger, as if she were grinding her teeth. She got up and walked away without waiting for Dr Neerja to return. Feeling contrite, Avik went after her. He caught hold of her hand and asked for forgiveness. He found it difficult to explain what had seized him, making him say the things he did.

  Khyati knew something was affecting him more and more with each passing day. She did not feel right leaving him alone in such a state. So for everything she had always felt for him, she returned to her chair and sat down.

  When Dr Neerja returned with Avik’s tea, she sensed that something had happened in her absence, but she did not question either of the two, for things of greater importance were awaiting her attention.

  Avik narrated how he had met Priyanka and thus taken a step further towards Ananki.

  Dr Neerja looked at Ananki’s belongings one by one, scrutinizing each in silence, seemingly unaware of her audience. She read the letter, removed her reading glasses, and looked up at Avik and Khyati. She cleared her throat and addressed them in a serious tone.

  ‘I had always thought this girl was very different from others and looking at these things, I believe I was not wrong. It seems she was very artistic. It can only be speculated from these articles that unrequited love followed by her mother’s death could have led her to her present condition. Since you two have helped so much with this case, I would like to share that personally, I don’t think things are going well with her and her silence makes me feel helpless. She prefers to remain locked in her closet, not letting anyone help her,’ Dr Neerja said, looking only at Avik as she spoke the last sentence.

  Avik listened to her with unblinking attention. When she finished, he asked her again, ‘Can I see her once?’

  Dr Neerja shook her head, but Avik pleaded with her to let him meet Ananki. She could see his desperation but did not understand the reason behind it. To find out more, she would have to agree to his request.

  ‘Only once.’ Dr Neerja asked him to accompany her to her NGO, which was where Ananki was being kept.

  Khyati could not go with them, as she had to assist Dr Bhalla that afternoon. She did not want Avik to go alone, but she knew that he would not wait for another day for her sake. So she merely waved to him as he sat in Dr Neerja’s car and vanished in a cloud of dust.

  He did not even say bye, Khyati thought frowning. She was disappointed and felt it was better to stay away from him as much as possible. Indifference was something she could not tolerate from him, especially in light of all the help she was giving him.

  ‘What makes you so interested in Ananki’s case?’ Dr Neerja asked Avik on the way to the NGO.

  Avik felt a sense of shame, as if she had a window into his mind and could see what he had done last night.

  ‘I am just curious to learn the reason behind her madness,’ he managed to answer, looking down.

  Dr Neerja was not very satisfied with his reply, but she did not probe him further. She thought it better to prepare Avik for what was to come, as she was sure he never had, and never would again, experience what he was about to witness at the NGO.

  ‘You have to be strong, Avik. Keeping a check on your emotions while you are watching her is important. You may see some disturbing things, but make sure you don’t let them affect you. It should just be a case for you. Do not attach your empathy to it,’ Dr Neerja warned, stressing the word ‘empathy’.

  When they reached the NGO, Dr Neerja told Avik to wait in her office while she went to check on Ananki. He looked tense as he waited. Dr Neerja had given him strict instructions not to say anything or make his presence known when he saw Ananki. One mistake and we might lose the chance of bringing her out of her closet forever, he thought, his eyes fixed on the door as he waited anxiously for the doctor to return.

  After waiting for about two hours, Avik was finally summoned by Dr Neerja. He was wearing a black shirt and khaki pants. He pulled out Ananki’s chequered scarf from the bag containing her belongings and wore it around his neck, just like he had the other day.

  The nurse who had come to get him led him down a corridor to a flight of stairs leading to the basement. The corridor was poorly lit and not very clean. It appeared from the dust that covered the floor that it was hardly used. As he walked down the stairs to the basement, the light diminished with every step he took, till it was almost dark. He extended his hand, sliding it along the wall as he continued down the stairs. He could feel the dust and the rough cement against his palm as he stepped down, one by one, wholly by instinct. On the second-last step, he felt a spiderweb brush against his face. ‘What the hell!’ Avik exclaimed, waving his hands around in front of his face in an attempt to get rid of it.

  The nurse hushed him.

  Avik stepped into a corridor lit with a single bulb that hardly threw any light. The place was repulsive to him. He could not understand why someone would prefer to stay in a place like this.

  As if reading his mind, the nurse whispered, ‘She prefers to stay in the dark. She grows more violent when we keep her in the bright rooms, or in the backyard, making it difficult for the other patients. Here in this basement she lies as quietly as a lizard on a wall, unmoving and blind to everything else.’

  She pointed out a room at the end of the corridor, hardly five steps from where he stood, before leaving him.

  As he approached the room, which had a door made of iron bars, he heard someone coming down the stairs. An attendant had brought food for Ananki.

  Dr Neerja signalled to the attendant to put the tray of food inside the cell. She then led Avik to a room opposite Ananki’s cell. It had a wooden door with a small viewing panel at eye-level so one could observe what went on in the cell opposite. He could only watch Ananki from inside this room. Dr Neerja placed her forefinger on her lips, giving him a sign not to make the slightest of sounds or show himself. Avik gave her a thumbs up to assure her that he would follow her instructions.

  The attendant had placed the tray of food on the floor of Ananki’s cell and locked the door behind him. He and Dr Neerja left, leaving Avik and Ananki opposite each other in the dark. While he was trying hard to make out what was happening in the room behind the bars, someone switched on a dim li
ght, making the girl inside in the dark groan. He could now see her facing the wall opposite the barred door, scribbling something on it with a piece of black chalk, charcoal perhaps.

  He remembered being told earlier by Dr Neerja that this was Ananki’s favourite activity. He could not believe that someone could be so adept at writing in complete darkness.

  Over time her eyes must have become accustomed to writing in the dark. It’s as if she herself does not want to see what she writes, he mused.

  Avik stared through the viewing panel not just to look at Ananki but also to spare himself from the darkness that surrounded him. The only darkness he ever trusted was the one inside him, but this darkness outside was alien to him.

  His mind was torn apart amidst the darkness, both the inner one and the outer one, the two battling against each other. The only thing that could help him was the sight of Ananki. He cupped his hands on either side of his face, shielding his eyes from the darkness outside and focusing on the figure opposite him.

  Long black curls kissed her thighs and swayed as her lean hands moved briskly across the wall, both of them simultaneously, as if in a hurry to finish. She moved quickly from left to right on her toes, never once letting her heels touch the ground. Her sheer white gown barely covered her knees, exposing her thin calves. The fragile frame proved her distaste for food. In contrast to her slight figure was her long, luxurious hair. What nourished it to grow to such a length was a mystery; it was as if her hair was the only part of her that was alive.

  While he was caught up in watching her, he felt something move over his feet, a rat perhaps. He shuffled his feet in fear, not of the rat, but of the darkness that engulfed him. The sound startled her, making her drop both hands to her sides, each one still holding a piece of charcoal. He cursed himself for diverting her attention. She turned to look at the tray of food, perhaps to make sure that a rat was not eating out of it, and he was able to see her profile. He looked at her face and felt frozen in the moment, a feeling of déjà vu overcoming him.

  I have seen her before. Avik could not place where and how, for this was the first time he was seeing her in person. She bears no resemblance to the Ananki Rajput in the photographs I saw a few days back.

  She was wearing a silver nose ring that glowed like a crescent moon on her sharp nose. Her long neck, which protruded between prominent collarbones, looked strange; he had the eerie feeling that she could rotate it 360 degrees. Her sheer gown did nothing to conceal her nipples, which tipped small, worn-out breasts.

  I have seen it all before – that face, those breasts and those locks. She resembles the half-serpent, half-woman I saw in my dream, he gasped in sudden realization.

  Avik closed his eyes at once, not daring to look at her any longer. The figure from his dream flashed before him, her hair a writhing mass of snakes, their venomous jaws opened wide. The figure smiled treacherously at him and created a clone of the girl in the cell. She held the clone’s hand and drew her close, hugging her. The serpent woman’s writhing hair pecked at each and every part of the clone’s body. Gradually, the two merged into a single feminine being, Sernanki.

  The merging released a blinding flash of light and Sernanki grew in size, revealing four hands, two on either side, four breasts, two with red nipples and two with black, the large areola of each wrinkled with snake skin. She had two navels, one sunk in and the other protruding out. Beneath the protruding navel was visible a red pudendum, out of which grew endless red serpents. Below the other navel was a black pudendum. She had two legs and a tail.

  Within no time she grew to fill the cell. The roof exploded to make space for her, but she did not stop growing. He could see her reach the sky, beyond the limits of what could be seen by the human eye. She was floating over a blue egg. The long red snakes coiled around the egg, as if to hatch it.

  Suddenly, one of the red snakes, larger than the rest, noticed him. It swooped at him and, picking him up in its jaws, sped towards the sky. It stopped before the red pudendum and he was sucked in amidst a hurricane of fire. Sernanki roared with laughter. Her final victorious howl was louder than the thunder of the thickest of clouds. She now possessed him forever.

  Avik was drenched in sweat. He had just envisioned himself being ingurgitated and he feared that the girl opposite him might also lead to his annihilation.

  He mustered the courage to look out at Ananki once more. She was eating, pushing her locks away to keep them from the plate. Her eyebrows were joined together above her nose, like two baby snakes that had discovered the joy of kissing. Her eyes were too big for her small face. Her lips were dry and trembling as if with the weight of her upper lip, which had not been plucked of its hair in a long time.

  She stood up to keep the empty plate outside the door so the attendant would not have to enter her cell. He could now see her clearly.

  Either she is quite tall or her lean frame makes her look taller, Avik noticed.

  Her legs were covered with fine hair that grew darker at the crotch, making it more prominent under the sheer white gown. From her deep navel, a trail of hair travelled towards her crotch, like a stream searching for a release in the dark sea. Her barely concealed body was a captivating sight for him, not because of its near nakedness, but because it was so natural.

  I have never seen such raw sexuality. Every woman I have seen has been plucked, waxed, polished and made perfect for the man she seeks, but she is the first one I have come across who unknowingly celebrates her natural feminine sexuality without the objective of finding an admirer, he thought, bewitched.

  To him she appeared as an infant, completely in harmony with her natural body, knowing nothing artificial or fake. Her raw beauty made him forget the phantasm of self-destruction that had seized his mind and body just a few minutes ago.

  Avik’s reverie was interrupted by the attendant who had returned to collect the food tray. After he picked it up, he turned to Avik and motioned for him to follow him.

  Avik did not want to leave, but he knew he had no choice. He opened the door of his room and without making a sound, went and stood in front of Ananki’s cell. He could not see her, which caused him great despair. He pulled her scarf from around his neck and tied it to one of the bars before leaving, in the hope that she might at least know he had been there.

  As he climbed up the stairs he wondered if she would recognize the scarf, whether it would lead him to her once more or if this was all he could have of her.

  If only I could see her one more time it would be enough for me.

  He went to Dr Neerja’s room. She was having lunch and asked if he wanted to join her. Avik had no desire to eat; somehow he felt full despite not having eaten anything since that morning. He courteously declined and sat silently as Dr Neerja finished her meal.

  As she ate, the doctor observed the tumult that was clearly going on in Avik’s mind. He looked pale and sick. Suddenly, he got up to leave. Dr Neerja asked him to sit down. She wanted him to talk about his experience of seeing Ananki.

  Avik remained silent for a few minutes and then burst into tears. Dr Neerja was startled. She had not expected such a response from him. Avik regained his composure quickly, but hated himself for exposing his emotionally fragile and vulnerable side.

  ‘Are all patients kept in such a state?’ he finally asked her.

  ‘No, the other patients are kept in the general ward. It is she who has chosen such a life for herself, away from light, away from life. It is strange to see a person with her background give up everything and go back to a primal state of existence. At first she even gave up clothing and other basic necessities. The nurses would have a tough time bathing her. Sometimes she would not have a bath for days. She would tear apart the clothes they put on her. It was only after much counselling that she finally agreed to wear a gown.’

  Avik stood and picked up the bag containing Ananki’s belongings. He took out the mouth organ.

  ‘When can I meet her?’ he reiterated his question.
>
  ‘You cannot meet her,’ the doctor replied, pressing her lips together, giving him a grim, hopeless look.

  Avik nodded and left the room, but he could not give up so easily. On the way out of the NGO he saw the attendant who had brought food for Ananki. He looked around and then went up to him, inviting him for a cup of tea and a smoke at the stall outside the NGO.

  Avik sensed that Dr Neerja would not be of much help in this case. He had to take another course.

  Sonu, the attendant, joined Avik at the tea stall. Avik told him that he wanted to meet Ananki but Dr Neerja might not let him.

  ‘Dr Neerja is particularly careful about her. She visits her every day. If you want to meet her, it has to be on a day when she is at the hospital or out for meetings,’ Sonu said.

  ‘Will you keep a check on Dr Neerja and help me meet Ananki as soon as possible?’ Avik asked, trying hard to hide the desperation in his tone.

  ‘Yes, but it involves a lot of risk. If caught, I might lose my job.’ Sonu was smart enough to read the urgency in Avik’s eyes.

  For five thousand rupees, the attendant agreed to deliver the mouth organ to Ananki.

  ‘Here is my phone number. Call me if she wants to meet me. If I get what I have come for, I’ll pay you more.’ Avik put the chit in Sonu’s shirt pocket, paid the bill and left.

  7

  Something had changed within Avik. He could sense it, but could not define it. Surprisingly, he began to dislike the sight of every ‘polished’ girl that crossed him on his way back to the hotel. He had always been fascinated by the notion of perfect feminine beauty, the parameters of which had been decided long ago by the social guardians. It was only after seeing Ananki that it occurred to him how fake the idea and the norms were.

  The perfect skin, the perfect skin colour, the perfect eyebrows, the perfect lips, the perfect nose, the perfect nails, the perfect bust, the perfect waistline, the perfect height are all part of an unrealistic dream instilled in the youth by the media and capitalistic companies to keep their businesses going. These concepts have been internalized to such an extent that they are seen as being ‘natural’ in the social psyche, he ruminated.