Cutslut
Page 25
Inside Jinx’s room, I pace the floor—my hands alternating from my hips, to wiping my cheeks until I finally cross my arms over my chest.
So… stupid! Why didn’t you just lie? Why couldn’t you keep your shit together? Who are you and what have you done with Winter Tews?
The moment I hear the door click shut behind me, I know it’s Jinx. Spinning around to face him, I stifle a sob and manage, “I’m sorry.”
He’s standing with his hands shoved in the pockets of his shorts. His feet bare. Hair messy. Head tilted. Eyes burning me. He’s the blank man. The stoic faced Jinx I met weeks ago. I want to thank him for hiding the pity. The concern. I don’t want it. Not from him.
“I’ve never had that,” I say, gesturing toward the dining room before turning my back to him to look out the window. The sun has set, but I can still make out the outline of trees that border the massive yard. “I mean, I did when I was a kid, but every year I get older, those memories seem to fade more and more.”
Closing my eyes, I try to imagine what it was like. Sitting around a table with my family. My mother at one end. Father at the other. Pierce across from me. Both of us smiling. Laughing. Happy. Telling the other to pass the fucking turkey.
“Sometimes, I forget that there’s normalcy outside of my fucked up life. That there are families who sit down for dinner together. That there are houses that aren’t run by men in leather and don’t reek of cheap pussy and pot. That sibling rivalry doesn’t end in war and bloodshed. That there are people who love because they want to… not because there’s some bi-law that says they must.”
Sitting on the end of his bed, my shoulders slumped, I lift my eyes to him—relieved to find he remains impassive. “You once asked me what I wanted.” Waving my hand around the room, I give him a sad, watery smile. “This. I want this, Jinx. Normal.”
Soft, warm eyes regard me. Waiting patiently for me to continue. But there’s nothing else to say. I want something I can’t have. Not with him. Not with Pierce. Definitely not with Cain. Not in this life. Or ever.
Wordlessly, he walks toward me. His stare processing. Watching. Studying. Appraising me with an intensity that doesn’t make me uneasy, but instead has me feeling like I’m slowly crumbling under his gaze.
When he’s standing in front of me, he grabs my hands. Hauls me up. Wraps my arms around him. My body molds to his. My head burrowing in his neck. Fingers gripping his hair. Absorbing all of his heat. Strength. Comfort.
He cradles the back of my head in one massive hand. Holding me closer. His other arm wrapped around my waist. Keeping me to him as he sits on the bed. Lays back. Pulls me on top of him. And just lets me lay on his chest and cry.
It’s all so much. The memories. The pain. Pierce. Cain. Jinx… thoughts of him are the worst. Hurt the most. Where will I be when I’m not with him? Who will I be? I said I want normal. Or do I just want him? What we have?
I cry it all out. Let it all go. Break. Crumble. Shatter. Like I knew all along I would. How can I not when I have this man beneath me? Rubbing my hair. Keeping me safe. Making me feel so fucking good even when I’m so sad.
The tears have dried. My breathing steady. I’m not sure how much time has passed, but it doesn’t seem to have much meaning in moments like this. The peaceful silence is comfortable as I trace the tear stains on Jinx’s shirt. The one I love—the red one with the arms and neck cut out. The one that shows off his tattoos. His muscles. His beauty.
“I want to show you something,” he says. I nod and he drags us both from the bed. Holding my hand, he leads us out of the room. Music filters into my ears as we descend the stairs. Something bluesy. Slow. Beautiful.
The music gets louder as we move through the kitchen. Past the dining room that is now empty—the table cleared. I have little time to feel bad about what happened before I’m pulled through the sliding glass doors that lead to the back patio.
There, endless strands of miniature light bulbs are strung above us. Orange flames dance and blaze from the fire pit centering the concrete porch. And around that fire, are seated his family. His parents sit together on a love seat—wine in hand. Lyle’s arm is draped behind Lynn. Her head is on his shoulder. They offer us a smile. I give a small wave before turning my attention to the twins.
Payton doesn’t notice us as he continues to play the sweet melody on his guitar. Clayton sits across from him—a guitar in his lap and some sort of tambourine attached to his foot. The twins sing in perfect harmony. I’ve never heard the song, but I’m instantly in love with it.
“Dance with me,” Jinx rasps, his lips at my ear. Without waiting for my answer, he turns me in his arms. Places my hands around his neck. Puts his hands on my waist. Pulls me in and leans down to rest his forehead against mine.
Closing my eyes, I breathe in his scent. Follow his lead. Sway in his hold to the song. When I open them, he’s watching me. From the corner of my eye, I can see his parents have joined us. The twins effortlessly flow into the first verse again—repeating the song without breaking melody.
“They do this every night,” Jinx says so only I can hear him. “When everyone is home, this place is complete chaos. The arguing. The joking. The praying. The cussing…” He smiles at that. “The twins are always fighting. The three of us are always trying to outdo the other one. Momma’s always trying to make peace. Dad’s acting like he don’t hear shit then loses it when Momma gets overwhelmed. But this?”
He pulls back and looks around. I follow his gaze to the brothers getting along. His parents lost in their own private moment. Us dancing. The only sounds are the lyrics. The music. The crackle of the fire.
“It’s everything. It’s where we come together. It keeps us humble. Lets us remember what’s important in life. How blessed we are.” Wrapping one hand around the back of my neck, he gives me a look so deep, I swear my heart stops beating.
“What you want is so much more than normal. Because this is fucking extraordinary. It’s special. I can’t give you this life, Winter. But I can make it possible for you to start your own. I’ll give you what Pierce refused you. What Cain promised you. If it’s really what you want, I’ll help you disappear. I’ll set you free.”
My brows draw together. I stare up at him in confusion. This goes against everything he believes. He’d be turning his back on his brother. His club. Swallowing hard, I force out the shaky words. “Why? W-why would you do that?”
Stroking my jaw with his thumb, he gives me a small smile that contradicts the sadness in his eyes. “Because nobody deserves an extraordinary life more than you.”
44
WINTER
He promised me freedom.
Freedom.
Freedom.
I keep saying the word, but I feel like I have no idea what it means. I wanted to ask him, but our moment was interrupted. I ended up dancing with his father. Him with his mother. Then we were all in the kitchen—Jinx and I eating leftovers. The parents reliving moments from Jinx’s glory days. The twins swearing theirs were better.
It was around midnight when everyone started to head to bed. I was anxious as I climbed the stairs. Ready to continue our conversation from the patio. Get Jinx to tell me in detail what he meant by granting me my freedom. By helping me disappear. But his mother made it quite clear that he would be on the couch tonight.
It didn’t matter to her that we were both consenting adults. She’d prayed too hard for the Lord to punish her for allowing us to sleep in the same room together. She feared he’d frown upon her for enabling our sin. Or at least that’s what she said.
I glance at the clock and see it’s after two. Jinx is probably asleep. But I can’t lay here one moment longer without knowing. So with one last look at the clock, I creep from the bed and tiptoe down the stairs.
It’s dark in the living room. Bodies are scattered all across the floor. Jinx had demanded the twins stay down here with him. And since they were all too tall to sleep on the couch, they’d settled for a king-sized
air mattress on the floor.
Squinting through the darkness, I try to locate which one is Jinx. Knowing he won’t be in the middle, I start at the one closest to the couch. When I lean down to get a closer look, three sets of gray eyes meet mine. I nearly scream at how bright they are in the dark. Fucking vampires.
“If she’s here for a gangbang, I’m gonna have to go last,” Payton says, his voice a husky whisper. “Cause I’ll ruin her for y’all—oww! Fuck Jinx!”
“Keep talkin’ shit and you’ll have to learn to throw with that motherfucker, cause I’m gonna break your arms,” Jinx threatens, his tone making the hair on the back of my neck stand up.
“How about you both shut the fuck up before Momma comes in here,” Clayton whisper shouts. I stifle a giggle at these three grown men, scared of their five foot four mother.
“Who the fuck asked you, shit breath?” Payton snaps, and the arguing begins. I’m surprised to find that Jinx is in the middle of them and I’m pretty sure it’s because he’s been playing referee all night.
“...Goddamit… would the two of you stop!”
“Boys…!”
Lynn’s voice is accompanied by the sound of a door opening which is quickly followed by her slippers sliding across the floor. I panic. Look to my left. My right. The assholes on the floor are playing dead. With no other option, I dive under the covers.
Pulling the blanket over my head, I come face to face with Jinx. “What the fuck are you doing?” he asks, his voice barely a whisper.
“What does it—” I’m cut off when Jinx pushes me to my back and rolls his body half on top of mine. I can barely breathe. When the light flips on, I’m not breathing at all.
“Is everything alright?” Lynn asks, a hint of worry in her voice. The answers come in a chorus of mumbles that include yeah Momma, it’s all good, and Clayton farted.
“Did not!”
Son of a bitch they sound like little kids. Yet… I’m smiling through my panic.
“Same shit, Momma,” Jinx says, his voice like honey. “I got it covered. Go back to bed.”
Silence for the longest minute of my life then, “If you little fucking idiots wake her up, I’m going to beat the daylights out of you. She’s had a rough day. Last thing she needs is to be startled awake and get scared and come down here to this fart smelling room…I swear you boys—“
“We got it, Momma,” Payton chimes in. “Nobody is gonna wake sleeping beauty up.” I feel a hand on my hip that doesn’t belong to Jinx. I’m desperate for air. Desperate to remove Payton’s hand before Jinx breaks it when Clayton decides to put in his two cents.
“And if she gets scared and comes downstairs, I’m sure we can make room for her under the covers since we obviously have so much of it.” He pushes against Jinx who must be lying half on him too. My body is shoved further into Payton and I close my eyes. That better be his arm…
“Jinx, give your brother some room. Stop being a fucking bed hog.”
“Yeah Jinx.” I can hear the smile in Payton’s voice. And feel the temperature drop with Jinx’s glare. “Scoot over here. I have plenty of room.”
“I’m good,” Jinx grounds out.
“Boys…don’t make me come in here again. And I mean it. Don’t wake her up.”
They mumble an acknowledgment and the light goes out. There’s the shuffle of slippers. A door closing. Then I’m finally able to breath as the tank that is Jinx rolls off my chest. He flips the covers from over my head and I inhale deeply. Then stop and wrinkle my nose.
“Damn…it does smell like a fart in here.”
“Welcome to our slumber party, baby. You just won the turtle championship,” Jinx teases.
“That’s where you fart under the covers—“
“I know what it is, Clay,” I snap, jerking away from Payton and folding myself into Jinx. I kick at Payton’s leg, trying to untangle it from mine. After a few failed attempts, I let out a breath and meet Jinx’s stare. “Tell your brother to move his leg.”
“What makes you think it’s my leg?” This time, instead of Jinx lashing out at his perverted brother’s comment, he laughs. The deep rumble in his chest can be felt all the way to my toes.
“Guys,” Jinx starts, his tone sincere. “Mind giving us a little privacy?”
“Yeah, brother.”
“No problem.”
I’m more than surprised by their response. Then there’s some moving around. Seconds later, I can hear the faint sound of music coming from their earbuds. I have something snarky to say, but Jinx speaks before I can.
“Hey baby.” God…that voice. So deep. So male. So…focus!
“Hey…”
“So what brings you down here at two in the morning? You miss me?”
I sigh. I did miss him. But that’s not why I’m here. “I’m curious.”
“Bout what?”
“What you said. Your promise.” He nods slowly. “Did you mean it? Is it possible? Why would you do that? I mean, you said why…” I heat at the reminder. Because you deserve an extraordinary life… Damn. Be still, my heart. “But I want to know why you’re willing to betray your club.”
“That’s a lot of questions,” he teases. His hand brushes my hair from my face and he kisses my head. “Yes, I meant it. Yes, it’s possible. I’m doing it because it’s important to me that you’re happy. And I’m not going to betray my club. You’re eighty-sixed. So actually, making you disappear will be helping them.”
I only heard one part of that. The part where he said my happiness is important to him. “I told you not to fall in love with me,” I whisper, the words out before I can stop them.
He grins. “Lucky for you, I didn’t.”
“What does that mean?”
“It means if I had, then I wouldn’t let you go.”
Oh.
Why does that hurt? I should be happy he’s helping me. Happy he doesn’t love me. But suddenly, I feel like this freedom he’s promising isn’t nearly as rewarding as his love.
Idiot.
I shake away the thoughts of love and happily ever after’s. “Tell me how it works. What you’ll do.”
“I’ll call in some favors. Get you a new identity. Make sure you have no problem getting to wherever you want to go. And if you need me to, I’ll help you get settled when you get there.”
Swallowing past the lump in my throat, I struggle to ask the next question. “W-what about Cain?”
“That’s up to you. I can kill him or I can keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn’t come near you.”
“Yeah…but for how long? He’ll never stop searching for me.”
“For as long as it takes. Or, like I said, I can just kill him.”
That wouldn’t work. That would start a war for sure. Which is exactly what I’ve been trying to prevent. “I don’t want you to kill him,” I whisper regretfully.
“Then I’ll keep an eye on him. You’re overthinking everything, baby. It’s really not that hard. If you want this, I’ll make it happen.”
“When?”
“As soon as the meeting with the lawyers is over.”
My stomach sinks and I close my eyes to hide my disappointment. Of course Jinx doesn’t miss it. “You have to face him, Winter. Even if you don’t want to.” He’s talking about Pierce. But my distress is caused by something completely different.
Pressing my head against his chest, I wrap my arm around his waist. He pulls me in tighter and kisses my hair. “I don’t want to go back to bed,” I admit.
“Then don’t.”
“Your mom would kill you.”
“Some shit’s worth dying for.”
There goes my heart again.
I relax into him. Sleep coming fast. His breathing is deep. Body lax. A telltale sign that he’s fast asleep. “I’ll miss us,” I whisper to the darkness.
I’m fading in and out. But I swear I hear him reply, “Ditto.”
45
JINX
I’m a liar.
Something inside me shifted the moment we walked through the door of my parents’ house. I was happy to be home. See my folks. My family. But it was more than that. Stronger. And I knew it was because Winter was with me.
Seeing her in the kitchen with my mom had me thinking crazy. Like marriage and kids and shit.
Hearing my dad tell me, “She’s a keeper,” after learning she knew a thing or two about American muscle cars, had me thinking about moving into a little house down the street. White picket fence and a dog and shit.
Having her next to me at the dinner table, on the patio, at the lake, on a deflated fucking air mattress, next to my brothers who’d already threatened to kill me if I ever hurt her, had me thinking about forever—a forever with her. Filled with happiness and kittens, rainbows and sunshine and shit.
I’m a liar.
She wants normal. She wants the life I took for granted. She wants the marriage. Kids. The little house. White picket fence. A dog. A forever. Happiness. Rainbows and sunshine and all the shit that comes with it. She deserves it. And now she has me thinking I might want all of those things, too.
But I’ve lived the normal life. It wasn’t for me. So I gave it all up for something bigger. Something I thought was better. Something I’ve never regretted. Something I never will regret. Because it brought me to her—this girl. Winter Tews. Who’s…everything.
I’m a liar.
I’m going to give her what she wants. Set her free. Unlock the shackles the MC has bound her with her entire life. She thinks I’m doing it because I don’t love her. Because that’s what I told her. I know she believed it because that look in her eyes fucking gutted me.
But, like I said, I’m a liar.
I’m not letting her go because I don’t love her…