by Eden Maguire
Suddenly the two lurchers were released from the chapel. They raced towards us, lean and muscular. For a fraction of a second Zoran’s face twisted into a sneer and he gave a warning snarl, became the true beast unchained. Only I seemed to notice, however.
‘Tread carefully,’ Maia says on the breeze blowing down from Black Rock. ‘Don’t give yourself away.’
‘Thank you for still being here,’ I tell her silently. She’s my only protection, my guardian angel.
Had Holly picked up the problem yet? Did she suspect that what she saw as the old weird, druggy thing had started over – that Jude, like Grace, was not free to leave? Please! I prayed. Think, suspect, do something!
‘I want to speak with Jude,’ Orlando told Zoran, up front and in-your-face. ‘I’m not happy. I need to check this out.’
Thank you, thank you! I took a deep breath and held it. At last I looked into his eyes. I love you!
But he blocked me with an angry stare. ‘After I’ve done that and made sure he’s cool, we’re out of here,’ he told Aaron and Holly.
‘Actually, Jude is busy with the director right now,’ Zoran told him. He was setting up some fresh bullshit barrier when Daniel came out of the chapel yelling for the dogs. Seeing us on the tarmac, he made his way to join us.
And for the first time I saw them standing side by side – Daniel and Orlando – in the middle of the helipad. Please, God, why did it have to happen at this minute, when I needed every shred of willpower to stay calm and focused on my mission to save my friends?
With my heart running riot, I stared at them both. Orlando gave me his delinquent, rebel-without-a-cause stare that was so spectacular and had the effect of making me want to fall into his arms. Next to him, Daniel smiled. He was tanned and easy, his blue shirt open to show a triangle of white T. They were chalk and cheese.
Catching me gazing at them and making the comparisons, Holly rushed to rein me in. ‘Tania, you’re coming with us,’ she decided, hooking her hand through my crooked elbow. ‘Whether or not we get to see Jude, you’re coming home.’
I thought Orlando’s eyes were actually going to burn right through me when Holly gave me the ultimatum. Say yes, you’ll come. Leave this Daniel guy, whoever he is, and walk away with me. Otherwise we’re through! I could read it in his shadowed, angry face, though he didn’t utter a word.
I knew how much it meant, knew that our relationship was on a knife edge; that what I said now, this instant, could change the rest of our lives for ever. Believe me, Orlando, I long so much to say yes.
‘Tania’s also involved with the video.’ Zoran’s voice cut through the silence. ‘She has an important role so it’s not possible for her to leave right now.’
I want to but I can’t! I told Orlando with my eyes, clenching my fists until my nails dug into my palms.
‘It’s your choice,’ Orlando said through gritted teeth.
‘Come on, Tania, let’s go!’ Holly insisted. She tugged at my arm, felt me resist.
Orlando saw me stand my ground. He gave up trying to read my intention and turned away, shoulders slumped. For him, that was it – we were through. End of story.
I murmured his name, flashed a desperate look at Holly. ‘Talk to him!’ I begged. Meaning, Don’t leave me here alone with this situation. I have to save Jude and Grace and I can’t do it alone!
But Holly glanced from me to Daniel’s calm face. His head was up, his stance confident, the way a businessman is when he knows he’s about to close a deal. ‘Like Orlando says,’ she muttered as she too turned from me, ‘you made your choice.’
Aaron only shrugged. He was actually the one who led the way across the tarmac towards the main gate and the cattle guard.
Come back! I pleaded silently. Don’t abandon me here!
I saw all too easily how it must look from the outside, Daniel standing next to me, owning me.
I know how jealousy acts, how it blows your head apart.
They talked as they left, but they were too far away for me to hear their words. Aaron spoke to Holly, who shook her head and said something to Orlando. He put up his hand to stop her mid-sentence, picked up speed, didn’t even look back to see if I was still there.
His car was parked under a tree fifty metres from the gate. They piled in. I heard the doors slam – one, two, three.
‘Good decision,’ Zoran told me as he gave me an approving smile. ‘At last, Tania, you’re beginning to see the light.’
That night – my first at Black Eagle Lodge – I was exhausted but I didn’t sleep. Instead, I ran through the conversation I’d had with Grace after Orlando, Holly and Aaron had left.
It was not so much a conversation as a full-on attack.
‘Idiots!’ Grace began in a little-kid, petulant voice. We were alone in a small room in the main house, deep underground. ‘If they hadn’t barged in, Jude would be one of us by now.’
‘So once Orlando and the others had left, why didn’t Zoran just go ahead with the ceremony?’ I couldn’t figure out the cancellation of the event – it had happened without a reason so far as I could see, with Callum quietly leading everyone out of the chapel and Jude and Cristal nowhere to be seen.
‘Oh, Tania, you don’t understand!’ Flinging herself down on a couch, Grace drew her knees towards her chest and sulked like crazy. ‘It has to be a certain time of day – at sunset exactly. Those morons wrecked our timing. Now we’ll have to wait a whole twenty-four hours.’
I paced the room feeling trapped and claustrophobic. ‘Why sunset?’
‘Because! It has to be sunset – that’s the way we do it.’
We. That word was aimed at me like a gun to my head, warning me off, so I tried for a more casual tone. ‘So where did Jude get to after the ceremony was cancelled?’
‘Jude, Jude, Jude!’ Grace’s scowl deepened and despite my attempt to sidestep, she turned her anger on me. ‘God, Tania, you’re so stupid! All you ever do is ask irrelevant questions. You never just accept and go with the flow, do you?’
I was at the opposite side of the room when I stopped pacing and took a deep breath. ‘Is this what you’re doing – going with the flow?’ I challenged. ‘That’s not how it looks to me.’
‘Because you’re …’ She paused while she found the right word. ‘You’re so unevolved, Tania! Bang – you keep the door to your mind slammed shut to everything Zoran offers you. That’s how you always react – narrow minded, bigoted, blind!’
‘I’m here now, aren’t I?’ I pointed out, trying hard not to react to the insults. I realized this was probably one of the last opportunities I’d ever have to get through to her, that having gone through her own welcoming ceremony she was moving steadily on to the next phase that had left Oliver curled up and dead in a sink hole. Think about it, and you’ll realize how desperately important this conversation was.
‘Let’s focus on you, shall we?’ I said. ‘Does going with the flow mean doing absolutely everything Ezra tells you to do, even when it’s not safe?’
‘It’s never not safe,’ she muttered, hugging her knees close to her chest.
‘Isn’t it?’ I moved close enough to touch the bruise on her thin, bare arm. ‘What happened here?’ I asked. Then I touched her cheek. ‘And here?’
She looked back at me with what I thought was that old flicker of panic. ‘I fell.’
‘Really?’
‘Yes, really.’
‘How did you fall?’
‘I don’t remember.’
‘Were you and Ezra partying too hard? Did you pass out?’
The look of fear passed, the bottom lip came out in stubborn resistance. ‘That’s you, Tania. Losing consciousness is what you do, remember.’
It was no good, the fear faded and she was moving away from anything real – I’d lost her again. ‘Yeah, that’s me,’ I sighed. ‘You’re not going to share how you got hurt, are you?’
‘I don’t remember,’ she repeated, slowly stressing each syllable as she star
ed back at me. Then she uncurled from the couch and came close, glancing at the cross I still wore around my neck, remembering it and frowning again. ‘I shouldn’t have done that,’ she sighed.
My hand went to the necklace to protect it.
‘It was a mistake to return it to you. It was before …’
‘Before what, Grace?’
‘It was when I thought I knew you, when I still saw you as my friend.’ Her words were slow and faltering, the dark faraway look came into her eyes.
‘I am your friend,’ I whispered back, my fingers still touching the garnet-studded cross.
Grace shook her head. ‘Are you?’
‘I’m here!’
She leaned forward to whisper in my ear like a conspirator. ‘But, Tania, the question is – why? Why are you here?’
I had to think fast, come up with something that would convince her, something that she could identify with and believe. ‘For Daniel,’ I confided. ‘God’s honest truth, Grace – I’m totally in love with the guy!’
Now, as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling, the memory of even speaking the sentence threw my fast beating heart into turmoil. I’m totally in love with the guy! Words spoken out loud have a power that they don’t have if they stay locked inside your head. I’m totally in love with the guy! With Daniel.
Feeling nauseous, I sat up in the dark room, swung my legs over the edge of the bed and leaned forward.
Why not? Why not love Daniel? After all, at sunset today Orlando had walked out of my life. He didn’t even look back. Slam, slam, slam! Three car doors, and the first had been his. He’d driven away with a squeal of tyres, red-devil-eye brake lights flashing.
‘You didn’t even try to understand,’ I told the darkness. ‘You didn’t trust me, you didn’t love me enough.’
This fitted exactly with what Zoran had claimed earlier – that Orlando struck him as immature and selfish, that Daniel would never abandon me that way. I was alone and in the dark.
I was scared out of my mind when Daniel came to my room.
He opened the door and came in softly, pressed a switch that turned the light on low, found me sitting on the edge of my bed. Without saying a word he put out his hands and raised me to my feet.
I was in his arms, my skin against his, almost swooning.
He kissed me on the lips, his arms held me close. He kissed my neck. I closed my eyes, breathed him in.
His lips brushed my shoulder. Turning me to face him, he kept me tight in his arms and breathed soft words into my hair. ‘I love you, Tania. I’ve waited for this. I’ve been waiting since the moment I first set eyes on you.’
I turned again, kissed his mouth, sank into his embrace.
How do I describe it? Like those moments when you’re standing in the sea not far from the shore, preparing for a clear, sparkling wave to swell and sweep you off your feet. You feel the ocean’s power, are lifted in the surf and carried in pure delight. That’s how it was with Daniel.
I was on the crest of the wave, being swept away, loving the warmth of his skin, the soft wetness of his mouth. I waited for the wave to close over me in that instant of surrender.
Until I opened my eyes and saw him in the low yellow light – his own eyes open and in sharp, glittering focus watching me, waiting for me to give in.
I pulled back. ‘It’s too soon,’ I whispered.
His eyes flickered shut. When he opened them again his mood was different – harder but trying not to show it. ‘Of course,’ he murmured, keeping his arms around my waist.
‘I need some time.’
‘I know. I’m sorry.’
‘No. Don’t be.’
‘I just thought …’
‘I know. It’s me. I’m being stupid.’
‘I thought your staying here meant that you’d made your decision.’
‘It does. I have, Daniel. But it’s the first night. So much has happened.’
‘And so fast,’ he agreed, releasing me without moving away. ‘It’s OK, I understand.’
I nodded and tried to smile. I was feeling the sickening undertow, the strong pull of the ebbing tide. ‘Thank you. I knew you would. I hope you don’t think … I don’t …’
Gently he put his hand over my mouth. ‘It’s OK, Tania. It really is.’
It wasn’t OK. It was the total opposite. I hated myself that I’d been on the point of giving in. I tell you now – Orlando is the only guy I ever slept with, which you might think is unusual in this day and age, but it’s the way it is.
‘What are you thinking?’ Daniel asked.
I stepped back, pulled a sheet from the bed and wrapped it around me. ‘Nothing. I’m confused. I need a little fresh air.’
‘Not now. It’s the middle of the night.’
‘OK, I won’t go outside. I’ll stay in the house.’
He gave me that detached, deliberate stare. Thirty seconds earlier he’d been sweeping me off my feet into bed with him. ‘If you need me, I’ll be in my room,’ he said.
The corridors were empty and silent, clean and sterile as a hospital. Everyone slept.
My heart thumped as I walked and walked. My head didn’t stop spinning. If I was looking for clarity here in Zoran’s high-tech warren, I sure didn’t find it – not when the Aztec masks loomed up ahead and leaped from the wall, all staring eyes and human hair, painted red and black and white. They roared and hissed in my face, fell to the floor and splintered. I trod in bare feet over the sharp fragments, turned around to see them intact and hanging from the wall as before.
Don’t the others see this, I wondered. Doesn’t Jude see the hunting dogs leap from the tapestry? Doesn’t Grace notice when Zoran’s golden snake ornament morphs and comes alive, when Daniel’s eagle wings raise him from the ground? Am I the only one?
‘No, they don’t. And yes, you are,’ Maia reminds me in her sweet, soft voice. They don’t see it because they’re not looking for it. You do because your sensibilities are heightened; you were born with a special link to the invisible spirit world.’
I walked some more and came into the main hallway just as the sun was rising.
Grace was there with Ezra.
‘You’re up early,’ Ezra said to me. His eyes were so dark and defined I thought he must have smeared them with kohl. His pale face with its high cheekbones and honed jaw was unnaturally white.
‘I couldn’t sleep,’ I explained.
‘Yeah? Grace was the same.’
I was afraid to look at her, knowing that I would see the absence, the hollowness. When I forced myself and found that I was right, I couldn’t help a gasp and a slow, sighing exhalation.
She was wearing the long black dress again, her bare arms limp at her sides. Her hair hung loose and lifeless, half covering her eyes. And she was so far gone in her trance, she didn’t seem even to see me in the grey dawn light.
‘Where’s Daniel?’ Ezra asked curtly, as if I was bound to know.
I shrugged. ‘In his room.’
He frowned and turned away.
Anyway, I wondered, why were Grace and Ezra here at this time in the morning? He was glancing around as if he was waiting for someone, showed no surprise when Cristal showed up with Jude.
Jude was another ghost, another shadow of his former self. I steadied myself again, kept a lid on my fear.
‘Hey, Tania,’ Cristal said casually. ‘Look, Jude – Tania stayed over.’
Slowly he looked at me, slowly he said hi, fuzzy and disoriented like someone waking after a deep sleep.
‘We were just talking,’ Cristal said brightly. ‘Jude was saying he can’t wait to get going with his ceremony.’
‘Yeah, and this time let’s hope there are no interruptions.’ Ezra took up the same brisk tone, taking Cristal to one side, perhaps to finalize arrangements for the evening.
I waited for them to be out of earshot. ‘Jude!’ I said, tugging at his arm. ‘Look at me. Can you focus?’
‘Tania?’
‘Yes –
listen! You don’t have to go through with this!’
‘What are you talking about? Where’s Cristal?’
‘She’s over by the door. I’m asking you to listen carefully to what I’m saying. You still have a choice about tonight. You can tell them no, you want to back out.’
He looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language and he was trying to latch on to a single familiar word.
‘You can!’ I pleaded. ‘I’m risking a lot by telling you this. You have a choice. You can leave. Are you hearing me?’
‘I hear you,’ he sighed. But his brain wasn’t computing – not at all.
And Cristal had quickly rounded off her talk with Ezra. She was back and dazzling Jude with her smile, telling him that we all had to go outside because Zoran was in the barn waiting for us. ‘You too, Tania,’ she informed me. ‘Daniel’s out there with him.’
The doors slid open and the cold air hit us. A sliver of sun had appeared over the mountains to the east but as yet no rays had warmed the land, and in the arena the horses huddled together, their steamy breath rising.
‘Zoran’s not happy,’ Cristal muttered to Ezra.
He glanced sideways, caught me listening in and gave her a warning look.
Grace was behind him, half running to keep pace. When she reached my side she leaned in to whisper slyly in my ear. ‘I heard what you just said to Jude,’ she hissed with a flash of intense spite. ‘Don’t think I didn’t!’
‘What do you mean?’ I laughed uneasily.
‘Oh, yeah, little Miss Innocent!’ Her look was suddenly focused and it was pure poison. Her voice was full of hate. ‘I heard every word and don’t think I can’t repeat them to Ezra.’
‘Grace – don’t!’ I was breathless, not from running but through fear. ‘Don’t tell him!’
‘Ha, you don’t like that, do you?’ She curled her lip and sneered. ‘You don’t like not being in the driving seat, telling everyone what to do.’
‘Come on, you two!’ Cristal broke us up. She was the first to reach the arena gate where the huddle of horses shifted and scuffed their feet in the dirt. A couple, including Zoran’s striking sorrel mare, broke away to linger out of the wind in the shelter of the barn door.
