Surprises According to Humphrey

by Betty G. Birney

  “Sssh!” Gail reminded her.

  I stopped in my tracks, then headed straight for the carrot.

  Gail pulled on the string, drawing the carrot closer to my open cage door.

  She wiggled it and I skittered toward the carrot. She kept pulling the string and I dutifully followed.

  At last, the carrot was at the cage door. She jerked the string and the carrot crossed over the threshold of the open cage door. I followed it and was back home again at last.

  “Close it,” Gail said, but Heidi was ahead of her. Bam! The door closed firmly behind me.

  “We did it!” Heidi hopped up and down. Gail jumped up, too, and the girls hugged.

  “I wish you’d thought of that a lot sooner,” Heidi told Gail.

  “I did,” said Gail. “You just wouldn’t listen to me.”

  Heidi stopped hopping and stared at Gail. “Yes, I would have.”

  “I tried about a million times,” Gail explained. It was an exaggeration, but I understood how she felt.

  “Heidi, you’re my best friend and I have fun with you,” Gail continued. “But every time I have an idea, you interrupt me and never give me a chance to talk.”

  Gail was following my Plan even better than I expected. It was all up to Heidi now.

  “I do?” said Heidi.

  “Sometimes,” Gail answered. “A lot of times.”

  “I don’t mean to,” Heidi said. “These ideas just pop in my head and I say them. I’m sorry.”

  Gail gave Heidi another hug. “You’re still my best friend.”

  “And you’re mine,” Heidi agreed.

  Mrs. Hopper knocked on the door and said it was time for the girls to go to sleep. Soon, they were tucked into their beds and the lights were out.

  “Tomorrow, let’s practice being rock stars,” Heidi said.

  “I have an idea,” said Gail.

  I held my breath, waiting for Heidi’s response. “What is it?” she asked.

  “We could make up a hamster dance,” Gail suggested.

  Heidi was quiet for a few seconds. “That’s a great idea,” she said.

  I was so happy that Heidi had listened, I did a little hamster dance of my own.

  “Quiet, Humphrey,” said Heidi.

  And I was.

  BEST FRIEND: A SPECIAL-SPECIAL-SPECIAL friend that you want to spend a lot of time with. A true best friend is someone who will tell you the truth (gently) and help you solve your problems. A true best friend isn’t necessarily a human. A hamster can do the job very well.

  Humphrey’s Dictionary of Wonderful Words

  Testing, Testing…

  Any hopes I had that Heidi was cured of her problem vanished quickly once we returned to school on Monday morning. As soon as class started, she blurted out something about how great it was to have me at her house. Okay, she raised her hand in the middle of her sentence, but it was a little too late.

  I had helped solve Heidi’s problem with Gail, but that was only Step One.

  Step Two would be to get Heidi to remember to raise her hand in class. And just like Garth, A.J. and me, she needed practice.

  But I couldn’t do anything to help Heidi for a while because Monday and Tuesday were testing days! For months, my classmates and I had been preparing for these big tests, and now, it was time. I wasn’t sure what to expect, but I finally found out: these tests were very long, quiet periods where no one was supposed to squeak up at all.

  No one did, except Heidi, who managed to say, “Mrs. Brisbane?” without raising her hand at least twice a day.

  Unfortunately, I wasn’t given a copy of the test, so I spent those days catching up on my sleep. Or trying to catch up. Just as I would begin to doze off, troubling thoughts would creep into my mind and wake me up. Thoughts about how I missed Ms. Mac. I could still see her huge dark eyes, her bouncy curls and her great big smile. But over time, the picture of her was getting a little fuzzy, which was kind of sad. She was the first teacher who surprised me by going away, and I wasn’t ready for that to happen again with Mrs. Brisbane.

  I guess the contract was just a piece of paper, but I saw it as a SCARY-SCARY-SCARY thing. If Mrs. Brisbane didn’t sign it, what would happen to me?

  Then I thought about Mrs. Wright and her whistle. Whenever I pictured her, I would shudder and concentrate on coming up with a Plan to make Mrs. Brisbane stay.

  The only good news during those days was when recess came and Garth and A.J. happily raced outside to play together. Garth didn’t think A.J. was a dirty rat anymore and neither did I. Another thing that made me HAPPY-HAPPY-HAPPY was that Aldo was back to his old self: happy, laughing and full of life. I wished I could say “gracias” to the person who helped him study for that test! And I also wished I could ask him more about Amy. I tried, but even Aldo couldn’t make out my squeaks.

  I felt for my friends who worked so hard at their tests. It wasn’t easy for Sit-Still-Seth to keep from wiggling or for Pay-Attention-Art to keep his eyes on the paper and not stare out the window. It wasn’t easy for Gail not to giggle, Kirk not to joke or Garth not to watch the clock.

  Even super-students like Golden-Miranda and Speak-Up-Sayeh chewed on their pencils and sighed a lot while they stared at their papers.

  “Why do we have to take these tests, anyway?” Don’t-Complain-Mandy Payne grumbled during a break between tests.

  “So you can prove what fabulous students you are,” Mrs. Brisbane explained. “I know you’ll make this school proud.”

  I knew it, too, but it was still hard to figure out how somebody could be graded on filling in little bubbles on paper.

  Mrs. Brisbane, being a good teacher, made sure my friends took time to stand and stretch and relax between tests. Those moments made me feel good, until I remembered that she hadn’t signed that contract yet and there was a very good chance she’d never teach again.

  On Tuesday afternoon, just before the bell rang, Mrs. Brisbane made an announcement.

  “The tests are all over, and tomorrow I have a big surprise for you!”

  My friends cheered. So did I.

  After class, Mrs. Brisbane gathered up her purse and her lunch bag. Before she left, she came over to check on Og and me.

  “You know, Humphrey, I was hoping maybe you could cure Heidi of not raising her hand,” she said. “But if I haven’t been able to make a difference all year, how can I expect a little hamster to change her in one weekend?”

  I had to squeak up. “I made a lot of progress,” I told her. “We just have to get her to practice.”

  Mrs. Brisbane grinned mischievously. “Sounds like you have an idea! Well, so do I, and you can help! See you tomorrow.”

  She left quickly and I hopped on my wheel and spun with delight. Wednesday couldn’t come fast enough for me!

  My whiskers wiggled with excitement when the morning bell rang and Mrs. Brisbane began class.

  “You all worked so hard on your tests, I’m very proud of you,” she announced after the bell rang. “So today, we’re going to have some fun!”

  My friends cheered and I let out an extra-loud squeak. Even Og let out a joyous “BOING!”

  “Let’s just call this Wacky Day. Or how about Wacky Wednesday?”

  Stop-Giggling-Gail led a chorus of laughter, and Mrs. Brisbane explained the rules for the day. First, she gave her desk to Og and me. That’s right—she asked Richie and Seth to move Og and me from our spots by the window to the top of her desk. “I’ll let them be in charge today.”

  I LIKED-LIKED-LIKED that idea.

  Then she asked all the students to change seats. “Get as far away from your regular seat as possible,” she said.

  There was quite a commotion as my friends all raced around to switch seats.

  Once they were settled, Mrs. Brisbane explained the rest of the rules:

  • All students who were right-handed should use their left hands to write or draw. All students who were left-handed should use their right hands to write or draw. />
  • Students should blurt out questions and answers and should not raise their hands. If a student accidentally waved his or her hand, the other students were required to jump up, wiggle their arms and legs and make monkey sounds.

  My fellow classmates loved that idea, especially when Mrs. Brisbane let them practice their monkey motions. I joined in.

  “Look at Humphrey. He’s a monkey, too!” Art shouted. (For once, he was paying attention.) My friends loved it, even Mrs. Brisbane.

  So far, Wacky Wednesday was great, and it got wackier as the day wore on.

  First, we had the Wrong-Hand Art Contest. Everybody had to use the hand they didn’t usually draw with. I tried it and it was HARD-HARD-HARD.

  “My baseball player looks like he’s from outer space.” Kirk chuckled.

  He was joking, but I still didn’t like to think about aliens.

  To squeak the truth, the drawings all looked pretty strange. Tabitha won the contest because it turns out she can use both paws—I mean hands—equally well!

  Then there was the trivia game. The class had to be divided into two teams. Guess who Mrs. Brisbane asked to be a captain? Garth Tugwell, the boy who hated getting picked last. The other team captain was Miranda Golden.

  “You go first, Garth,” Mrs. Brisbane told him.

  Garth looked out at his fellow classmates. His eyes rested on A.J., and I was sure he was going to pick him first. Instead, he turned to Mrs. Brisbane and asked, “Wouldn’t it be more fair just to count off?”

  Mrs. Brisbane had a funny smile on her face as she nodded. “I think that would be very fair, Garth.”

  So the rest of the students called out alternating numbers one, two, one, two, one, two. All the ones lined up next to Garth. All the twos lined up next to Miranda. The funny thing was that A.J. ended up on Garth’s team after all.

  Next, Mrs. Brisbane asked funny questions, like, “Where did Dracula live?”

  Garth had no trouble answering that one. “Transylvania.”

  As I recall, Dracula is a vampire with sharp teeth, so I hope I never have to go to Transylvania.

  Mrs. Brisbane turned to Miranda and asked, “What does the legend say you’ll find at the end of a rainbow?”

  Miranda correctly answered, “A pot of gold.”

  And so the trivia game continued. A person who missed the answer had to sit down. The first one was Pay-Attention-Art. I guess he stopped paying attention again.

  The next to miss was Mandy. “Can’t I try again?” she begged.

  Mrs. Brisbane told her to take her seat, but she said it kindly.

  On the second round, Mrs. Brisbane asked A.J., “What weighs more: a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?”

  A.J. quickly answered, “Bricks.” I think he knew it was wrong as soon as he said it, but it was too late. He had to take his seat while the teacher explained that a ton of feathers and a ton of bricks weigh exactly the same: they both weigh a ton, which is two thousand pounds. She is a very tricky questioner!

  “Did you get that one, Og?” I squeaked.

  The loud splash I heard made me think that perhaps he’d guessed the same thing A.J. did.

  “Sorry,” I heard A.J. tell Garth as he passed by him.

  “No problem,” Garth replied.

  My friends in Room 26 are pretty smart, and it took a long time before Sayeh and Garth were the only ones left standing.

  Mrs. Brisbane asked Sayeh how many cookies are in a “baker’s dozen.”

  Sayeh, who is hardly ever wrong, answered, “Twelve.”

  “Sorry, that’s wrong,” said Mrs. Brisbane. “Garth, do you know the answer?”

  Garth took off his glasses and cleaned them with his shirt. Then he put his glasses back on and said, “Thirteen.”

  “That is correct,” Mrs. Brisbane said. “If you answer the next question correctly, you win. What did Prince Charming have to do to wake up Sleeping Beauty?”

  Garth grinned. “Kiss her!” he answered. Then, making a face, he added, “Yuck!”

  So Garth and his team were the winners of the trivia game. As much as I love Miranda, this time I was happy Garth won. When Miranda high-fived him with a big smile on her face, I knew she was GLAD-GLAD-GLAD, too.

  Late in the afternoon, Mrs. Brisbane played a brain teaser game with our class. She would ask a trick question. The first person to answer correctly received a cool sticker with a riddle on it.

  The first question was: “Why can’t a man living in the United States be buried in Canada?”

  Sayeh raised her hand first. This was a good thing, because Sayeh is quiet and sometimes doesn’t answer at all. But it was a bad thing, because according to the rules of the day, we weren’t supposed to raise our hands.

  “Class? Sayeh raised her hand,” Mrs. Brisbane said. “What do we do?”

  Kirk was the first one to jump up and my other friends followed. I joined in, too, as we made funny monkey sounds and jumped around. Even Mrs. Brisbane tried it. Nobody laughed harder than Sayeh.

  Once everyone was seated again, Mrs. Brisbane repeated the question. Tabitha, Art, Kirk, Heidi and Sayeh all shouted out, but since A.J. has the loudest voice, he was the one I heard. “Because he’s still alive!” his voice boomed out.

  “That’s correct,” Mrs. Brisbane replied. “You can’t bury a person who’s still living.”

  The next question was just as tricky. “If you only had one match and you walked into a room where there was a candle, an oil lamp and a wood-burning stove, which one would you light first?”

  Voices shouted out and I couldn’t understand one of them. Heidi looked very frustrated as she waved her hand in the air. When they saw her, the other students leaped up and did the monkey imitation. Heidi seemed annoyed. “I know the answer, but no one can hear me.”

  “The candle!” shouted Mandy.

  “No, the match,” said Art.

  The match was the correct answer, even though I would have voted for the stove. It turns out you can’t light anything else in the room without lighting the match first!

  The same thing happened with the next question and the one after that. Heidi couldn’t make herself heard. Finally, she stood up. “Mrs. Brisbane, I don’t think it’s fair because the winner is always the person who’s the loudest!”

  Mrs. Brisbane bit her lip and looked thoughtful. “Do you think it would be more fair if people raised their hands?”

  Heidi nodded. “Yes, and you could call on the first person to raise her hand.”

  “So you agree that by raising our hands, this game would run in a fair and orderly way?” asked the teacher.

  “Yes!” Heidi sounded very sure.

  “Then maybe tomorrow when we go back to our regular rules, you can remember to raise your hand. Do you think you can, Heidi?”

  Heidi’s face turned bright pink. “Yes,” she said. “I can.”

  Brilliant! Mrs. Brisbane had showed Heidi why it’s important to raise your hand, she’d made it fun and everyone—including me—had helped. When class ended that day, I was convinced the she was the BEST-BEST-BEST teacher in the whole wide world.

  I was also convinced that I’d be unsqueakably sad if she didn’t come back to Room 26.

  WACKY: Crazy, silly, goofy, loony, nutty, wild, and if a Wednesday is wacky, it’s FUN-FUN-FUN!

  Humphrey’s Dictionary of Wonderful Words

  The Big Break

  That was the Wackiest Wednesday ever, wasn’t it?” I happily squeaked to Og when we were alone.

  “BOING-BOING!” he twanged.

  “And weren’t you HAPPY-HAPPY-HAPPY to see Heidi raise her hand?” I asked him.

  All I heard was a huge splash, but it sounded like a happy splash to me.

  I was so excited about our funny day, I jumped on my wheel and spun as fast as I could. When I got tired of that, I spun the wheel the opposite direction for a while. I was tired and happy by the time Aldo came in to clean the room.

  “Hola, amigos,” he said when he a
rrived.

  I’d figured out some more Spanish by then and I knew that hola meant “hello.”

  “Hola right back at you,” I squeaked.

  Aldo was cheerier than ever since his Spanish test was over. He hummed and sang and waltzed his broom across the floor. The nightly show Aldo put on was better than anything I’d seen on television at my friends’ houses. When he finished, he offered me bits of lettuce while he ate his sandwich.

  “Well, amigo, it’s time to say adi´os and move on.” He stood up to arrange his bucket, broom and rags on his cleaning cart. “I won’t see you for a while. I hope you enjoy your trip, wherever you are going.”

  Aldo was saying strange things again! I was so stunned, he was halfway out the door before I could squeak, “But I’m not going anywhere!” It was too late for him to hear me. He was gone.

  I didn’t think I was going anywhere, but Aldo seemed pretty sure.

  “The contract!” I told Og. “If Mrs. Brisbane doesn’t sign the contract, I might be going away.”

  Og didn’t respond. Maybe he was as worried as I was. After all, if I went away, he probably would, too.

  As I lay in my sleeping hut that night, I thought about my future. Maybe I was going to live with the Brisbanes. Maybe I was going back to Pet-O-Rama. Maybe real space aliens were coming to take me away. None of those thoughts made me very happy.

  At least Aldo had said “for a while.” I hoped he meant that someday I’d be coming back to Room 26, the place I like best in the world.

  The next two days, my friends seemed sillier and more excited than usual while I was much more serious. I think Mrs. Brisbane was, too, especially when Principal Morales came in during recess to remind her about the contract. “Think it over next week, Sue,” he told her. “I know you’ll make the right decision.”

  On Friday, just before my classmates returned from recess, I looked up to see Mrs. Wright standing in the doorway. Her silver whistle glittered.

  “Mrs. Brisbane, I just want to say that Garth Tugwell is participating much more now. And his skills are improving.”