by Marie James
“I’m not extra nice today. My stomach has gotten too big for my old clothes, so I’m wearing my new maternity clothes.” I explain. “Wait. Do you think he’ll think I’m more dressed up than usual just for him?”
She grins at me in response.
“Shit,” I mumble.
I don’t want him to think that; I don’t want him to read too much into the evening. Honestly, I was feeling incredibly fat when my clothes seemed to be shrinking at an alarming rate, so I bought extra dressy clothes at the maternity shop to help me feel better about myself. I still feel like a plumped up cow, but at least now I look like a nicely dressed cow.
“It’s no big deal. It’s like you guys think alike. Did you notice the new suit he’s decked out in today?” I had noticed the new suit, and I have to admit he looks incredibly handsome in it.
I kick myself once again for holding onto a past that isn’t a possibility. Justin Bland, I’ve come to realize, is an insanely great catch. His personality now, including all of the kindness and nurturing behaviors, is exactly how it was when I first started. I’d thought there was no way a man was that sweet and knew he’d change over time, but he hasn’t. He’s one of the most genuine men I’ve ever met and I kick myself every time he smiles at me that all I feel for him is friendship.
“He’s dressed very nice today,” I agree with her.
“Nice? Are you blind or do you just like to be obstinate? That man is hot as fuck, and you’re crazy for not jumping on that,” she tells me with mild annoyance in her voice.
I look away from her and don’t respond. I know she’s right, but I’m not going to act like I have feelings for him other than the platonic acceptance of his good looks. I refuse to pretend to care when I don’t. I’ve been on the receiving end of that fake affection, and it’s not something I’ll ever do purposely to another person.
“I should just cancel,” I say distractedly.
“You do that, and I’ll shoot you.” She holds her fingers up in the shape of a gun and flexes her thumb in mock firing.
“You look beautiful today,” Justin whispers in my ear as he guides me to his car. The hand he has on the small of my back is comforting and feels protective all at the same time.
“Thank you. You’re exceptionally handsome today as well.” I wonder if I should’ve said that, and I want to groan, knowing I’ll second guess everything I say tonight in fear that he’ll take it to mean more than it actually does. He winks at me and closes my door once I’ve settled into the passenger seat.
I take a few calming breaths as he makes his way to the front of the car and smile softly as he gets in behind the wheel. I ignore the soft music playing through the sound system as we drive to whatever restaurant he’s chosen for this evening.
In true ‘only the best for Justin Bland’ fashion he’s pulled up outside of one of Spokane’s swankiest restaurants, something I’d expected, hence the super nice dress. He gets out, handing his keys to the valet and walks around and opens my door for me, offering me assistance with an outstretched hand.
Within moments of walking through the double glass doors, we’re seated in a quiet corner near the back. I know we said this dinner was just friends, but it’s obvious Justin’s hoping I change my mind. I once again curse Kadin for stealing my heart; then I curse myself for leaving it behind with him months ago.
We sit perpendicular to one another rather than directly across from the other. If I’d even questioned the romantic feel of the restaurant, the candles on the table leave no room for doubt. I’m not uncomfortable about the situation yet, but I can feel the discomfort hovering right on the edge.
The waitress comes by and takes our drink and appetizer order. It isn’t until she leaves and I know I’ll have a few uninterrupted minutes to speak with him and try to manage his expectations.
“Justin,” I say and look at the candles with an arched eyebrow.
He holds his hands up like he had nothing to do with the romantic gesture. “London. I swear; the candles were not my doing.”
I look at him in disbelief. “Look around.” I sweep my head to the other tables, noticing not one of them has flowers and candles in the center. “This is the only table lit up like a runway.”
He laughs softly. “I promise. I had Jillian make the reservations. You know I’m not good at that stuff.”
I roll my lips inward between my teeth before I start a tirade on the woman who I was beginning to refer to as my best friend. Of course, she had a hand in this mess. I can tell he's truthful, and this is exactly something Jillian would do.
He bends his head forward and blows out the candles. I watch as the black smoke twirls to the ceiling. “Better?” His eyes are lit up with amusement.
“What?” I finally ask him when his face doesn’t change.
“I was wondering how long it would take before you said something about them,” I smirk at him.
He honestly knows me pretty well. I haven’t left much unsaid these last few months, taking a page out of Jillian’s book and deciding just to lay everything out there. If the thought came to my head and I had even the slightest urge to share it, it usually came out of my mouth. I was tired of keeping things bottled up inside.
“I just don’t want you to read too much into this dinner,” I repeat the words I said when we scheduled tonight after the waitress drops off our drinks and fried calamari.
“Believe me, London. I know exactly where I stand.” I’m saddened by the slight disappointment I see in his face.
A huge grin spreads across my face when I feel the sudden jolt in my stomach.
“You don’t have to look so happy about it,” he mutters.
I laugh gently. “I’m not smiling because of what you said. The baby just moved. I never get used to feeling it.” I place both of my hands on my stomach and wait for the next round of movement.
Justin holds out a tentative hand. “May I?”
I reach for his hand and place it on the spot I felt the last movement. His eyes go wide when the fluttering begins again. “That’s amazing,” he whispers as if he has to stay quiet or it will stop. “When do you find out what you’re having?” he asks without moving his hand.
“Week after next.” I honestly can’t wait. I haven’t bought one single thing for the nursery, and I’m anxious to get started.
“Do you have a preference?”
I shake my head no. “I just want to know so I can have everything ready when I bring him or her home.” It’s a lie of course. I want a daughter that looks exactly like Kadin. A son with his features would just be too hard, and I’d never be able to get over him, even though that prospect isn’t looking possible right now anyway.
He clears his throat and pulls his hand from my stomach. With complete sincerity in his eyes, he looks at me. “You don’t have to do this alone.”
I’m not surprised by his offering. He’s never given me one indication that his desire to date me excluded the child I’m carrying and what an amazing man for being willing to step up and take the place of an absent father.
“My life is too messed up, Justin. You deserve better.” I blink my eyes rapidly to keep the tears at bay. I’m well aware of what I’m turning down.
“What do you want, London?” I don’t know if he’s asking in general or in relation him and me.
“I wish things were different.” It’s a simple response to a loaded question.
“But they’re not.” His voice is soft and almost pleading, but it doesn’t carry an ounce of derision.
“I love him,” I respond.
“And if you can’t have him?”
“I’d rather do without.” I look up and watch him wince at my brutally honest answer.
“Forever?” He asks with a broken voice.
“For now,” I respond even though forever would’ve probably been more accurate.
Paramedics got Sierra to the hospital just in time. Her parents were upset when they found out she’d hurt herself again.
They were devastated when she admitted to hospital staff that she’d set into motion the events that led to Savannah’s death. There’s a very slim chance that she will go to trial, but police assure me she’ll never see the outside of a mental hospital again.
I spent days dealing with the police, giving reports, and trying to come to terms myself with my anger at Sierra. For almost two years, I grieved over the loss of a woman to what we’d all thought was an accident. To find out her own sister murdered her? That brought on another wave guilt and shame. If everyone, including myself, didn’t dance around the fact that she was insane, Savannah would still be here.
My therapy session with Dr. Long yesterday focused on forgiveness. When I grew angered at her suggestion, she reminded me that forgiving myself for the things I couldn’t change were the first steps, and she understands that I’ll never be able to forgive others before I can do that first. She also reminded me that Savannah was just as guilty as anyone else for tip-toeing around her sister’s illness. Needless to say, it’s been an emotional week.
It’s Thursday, and I couldn’t wait another minute for London. I have no idea what she’ll say when she sees me, but I can’t live the rest of my life with the unknown.
I’m parked at a neighboring business, watching the front doors of Bland & Platt. Her little red car is in the parking lot indicating that for once in her life Sierra told the truth. I’ve been parked here for hours, not sure when she’d get off work but afraid to miss her if I showed up too late.
I don’t realize just how much I missed her until I watch her walk out of the front of the office. I move to open my truck door but stop when I see no other than Justin Bland himself walks out beside her with his hand on her back. I can see the happiness on her face from here, and it makes my blood run cold.
Has she truly moved on? Has she moved on with him?
The last thing I want to do is cause her more pain or ruin any happiness she may have built since we were together. I’d almost convinced myself to walk away but then she turned to her side. I gasp at the sight of her rounded stomach. A tear rolls down my cheek unbidden as I take in the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen. She didn’t have an abortion, and that realization means there may be hope. Hope that we can be together or at a minimum I can be a father.
Just before she lowers into the car, I see a small hint of pain on her face and that’s all I need to seal my plans. There’s no way I can walk away from her. My heart won’t allow it. She may not want me when it’s all said and done, but I won’t walk away from a child.
I watch them drive away, and it’s the hardest thing not to follow them and confront her wherever they stop. I call Kegan instead and invite him over to hang out this evening before I can decide to sit in this parking lot and wait for her to return to her car. Seeing me beat the shit out of Justin won’t win me any points in her favor.
For the first time in as long as I can remember I want a drink. Not because I feel like I need one but I know passing out drunk will keep me from going back into town and searching for her. I’m glad I called Kegan over, and I’ve decided to talk to him about London. Other than Dr. Long her name hasn’t crossed my lips but I feel the need to work out a plan with someone and Kegan, although he’s my brother, is also the only friend that I have. Making friends was another thing on Dr. Long’s long list of things to do that I never got around to.
“There isn’t shit on TV,” Kegan says leaving the station on ESPN and setting the remote back down on the coffee table.
“It’s Thursday. What do you expect?” I tell him. “I wanted to talk to you anyways.”
He turns his body, so he’s facing my more and bats his eyelashes. “Are we going to gossip?” He asks in a girly voice.
“Sure and then you can braid my beard,” I respond flatly with the same thing London said months ago at the cabin. “I’m serious. I have some shit to say.”
“Is it about Sierra? Mom told me about what she did. I’m so fucking sorry, man.”
“Thanks. I don’t want to go into detail too much; I’ll save that shit for therapy but Sierra and I messed around a couple of times, and she went crazy and told me about what she did to Savannah’s car.”
“I guess it’s a good thing. I don’t know if the truth makes it better or hurts even more than the lie everyone believed,” he says.
“It’s honestly hard to tell right now,” I admit to him. “That’s not the only thing she disclosed.” I pause.
For a long minute, Kegan just waits patiently, but patience has never been his strong suit. “Am I going to have to drag it out of you or are you just going to torture me with hints until I guess?”
“She saw London at a grocery store and started following her.”
“Fuck. Did she tell you where she lives?” He shifts his weight on the couch sinking in deeper into the leather.
“No. But she did tell me where she works.” I explain.
“Are you going to go see her? Beg her to come back?”
“It’s more complicated than that, Kegan.”
“How is it any more complicated than going up to her, telling her how you feel, and begging her to take you back? Seems pretty simple to me.” He crosses his arms over his chest and nods his head, ecstatic he just solved my problem.
“She’s pregnant, man.” He gasps and if the conversation wasn’t so serious I’d laugh at the look of complete shock on his face. He looks terrified like I just mentioned his worst nightmare.
“Holy shit,” he mutters.
“Yeah,” I agree with him.
“And you don’t want the baby?”
“What kind of man do you take me for? Of course I want the baby.” I glare at him for even opening his mouth and let that bullshit fly out of it.
“What’s stopping you from going and getting your girl then?”
“I went to her work yesterday, and she was getting in the car with Justin Bland.”
“The contract lawyer?” I nod. “Stiff competition, Kadin. He’s a pretty decent man.”
“I fucking know that. You should’ve seen her, Kegan. She’s even more beautiful than I remember. Her stomach is out about this far,” I say indicating with my hand about six inches from my own stomach. “Most incredible thing I’ve ever seen.”
“You have to try,” he says.
“I know but what if she doesn’t want me?” I sound like a whining child, but the idea of her rejecting me makes me want to break down and cry. Some man I am.
“Well, then at least you’ll know, which is much better than sitting here each day wondering about what might have been.” He is one hundred percent accurate. It’s exactly what I’d do. I know it’s exactly what I’ll do tonight once he’s gone and all day tomorrow as I sit in the parking lot and watch her leave work again.
“You don’t seem like you want her to say no, but are you ready for her to say yes?” Leave it to my wild-ass, take nothing serious, brother to come up with some poignant shit like that.
“I’ve been in therapy since she left. I’ve known she was pregnant since then. I found the positive pregnancy test in the trash,” I admit.
“And you’re just telling me this shit now? What kind of brother are you?” He playfully shoves my shoulder.
“I’ve had a ton of shit to work through. I knew if I wanted even a chance of being worthy enough to be a father then I had to get things straight in my own life. I had to compartmentalize my issues and work on them individually. I would’ve gone insane had I not.” I swallow roughly. “Besides she left and never came back. Until Sierra told me what she did, I was working on accepting that I’d never see her again.”
“Did you look for her?”
I huff a light laugh. “I went to her old hometown and punched out the boyfriend that cheated on her. The one that sent her running in the first place, but he hadn’t seen her. I had a private investigator looking for her but since she hadn’t filed income tax for the year and all of her stuff was showing up as her old address in Gr
eat Falls. Everything was a dead end.”
“You were just going to give up?” Here’s the asshole brother I know.
“I had to accept eventually that she knew where I worked and never came to me. She could have come to the condo.” I sigh. “I’ve spent hundreds of hours over the last five months hanging out in baby stores hoping I’d run into her.”
He chuckles and the ridiculousness of what I just admitted to. I can’t help but laugh with him.
“It scares me how much I want her; how much I need her. It took all the strength I had not to chase them down today and demand she come back to me.” I scrub my hands over my face.
“When do you plan to go up to her?” He leans in closer, anxiously waiting for the answer.
“Tomorrow evening when she gets off of work,” I respond. “I can’t wait a day longer. That’s if I don’t go sit in the parking lot at her work and surprise her when she gets to work first thing.”
He smirks at me and shakes his head. “I don’t think first thing in the morning is going to work. I’ll stay here tonight and hang out with you tomorrow to keep you from doing anything stupid,” he offers.
“Don’t you have work tomorrow?”
He winks at me. “I’m sure my boss won’t mind.”
“Quit huffing,” I tell Jillian as we walk down the hallway to the doctor’s office. “Find a seat when we get in there and I’ll find you after I pee in the little cup.”
“Ugh, London. Keep the fucking details to yourself.” She sticks a finger playfully in her mouth and pretends to gag. “Why the hell do they need you to pee in a cup or anyways?”
“I’m not exactly certain, but they run tests on it or something.” I shrug. “I have to do it every time I come in.”
“It’s moments like this I realize two very important things. One, I love my job, and I’m glad I decided NOT to go into the medical field. Two, I never want kids. Just getting to the birth is absolutely disgusting.” I think she’s joking but when I cut my eyes to her she’s shaking her head slightly and is completely serious.
