by Marie James
“You had sex with her to try to feel like you still had Savannah.” He doesn’t even have to explain it to me. I came to the conclusion long ago. There were two possibilities, either he was having an affair with Sierra or in his grief he gravitated to the closest thing to her he could find. Even in the short time I was around him, I could easily tell that he loved and was completely dedicated to Savannah, so the first part of my reasoning wasn’t even a possibility.
“Pretty fucked up, huh?” He admits.
“Grieving is messy,” I tell him.
“I want you back, London.” His voice is almost pleading and I look up and into his beautiful eyes.
“We were never together, Kadin.” I clarify.
“Tell that to my heart.”
My pulse doubles at his words. His heart?
“You’re still grieving, Kadin. I can’t compete with her memories.” I look down at our clasped hands which now rest on his lap.
“London.” I refuse to look up at him.
“I need to be first in your life.” Another tear rolls down my face, and he reaches up and catches it on the end of his finger. “Can you love me like that? Can you love me like you loved her?”
“No,” he whispers softly, destroying what little repairs my heart had made over the last five months.
“No,” I answer honestly. The pain that immediately crosses her face guts me and makes me happy all at the same time. Obviously not the answer she was wanting and her reactions prove she cares for me; it proves I have a chance.
I reach up, clamp my finger and thumb on her chin, and pull her face up, forcing her to look into my eyes. “London, I already love you more.”
She gasps and her eyes go wide at my admission. “I’ve spent the last couple of months working through a lot of my problems,” I tell her not wanting to lose steam. “I felt incomplete when Savannah died. Her death destroyed me. She took a huge part of who I was with her.” I take a deep breath because I’ve thought all of these things but never said them out loud, not even with Dr. Long.
“That’s how I felt without you,” she admits.
“Even in your absence, you’ve already replaced that missing piece, London.” She watches my hand as I reach out and place it on her stomach. “I love you, London.” I flex my fingers. “I love this baby. Look at me,” I plead as her eyes drift down to where I’m touching our unborn child. “Biologically or not, this baby is mine. I need you, London, and I need this baby, too.”
She smiles softly and places one of her hands on top of mine. “Love?” she whispers so low I can hardly hear her.
“With every atom of my being,” I proclaim gently.
“I can’t take the lies,” she says. “Even if you’re trying to protect me.”
“Never again,” I vow.
“I’m not going to compete with Sierra for you.” She turns her face to look in my eyes.
I can’t control the mild tick I get above my right eye when I think of that murderous bitch. “Sierra is even more of a non-issue than she was months ago. I’m not going to go into all of it right now, but we’ll never have to deal with her again. I promise you, London. You’re it for me.”
She shifts her gaze back and forth between my eyes, more than likely trying to determine if I’m telling the truth.
“Do I have anyone to worry about?” I don’t think right now is the right time to bring up the fact that I’ve practically stalked her outside of her building.
Without hesitation she replies, “My heart is possessed by yours. I couldn’t love someone else if I tried.”
The smile in my heart matches the one creeping over my face. “You love me?”
“I think I had loved you before we left the cabin, Kadin.”
Her words bring pain and understanding with them. I know without a doubt had she had said those words before she left, I would’ve more than likely rejected her. I can admit that I’ve needed every second of the time we’ve been apart to heal and move past my own demons. I only hope that I can repair what I broke because of the lies I told her.
I lean in closer to her, hoping to kiss her softly when she stands abruptly. “I forgot the groceries!” She exclaims. “My frozen yogurt is going to be ruined.”
I stand with her. “Let me help you,” I offer.
I convinced London to let me order pizza for us when her stomach started to growl after we got the groceries into the house. She offered to cook and as much as I’d love to spend the evening in the kitchen preparing a meal together I can tell how tired she was after a long work week.
“Thank you,” she says pushing her plate away.
“For what?” I ask gently. We’ve been in the same room for hours, and my fingers itch to touch her, my mouth waters to taste her. I know we have to go slow, and we can’t just go back to the way things were the weekend before she left.
“The pizza,” she says pointing at her plate.
“I plan to give you the world, London.” I wink at her. “Pizza is only the beginning.”
She smiles timidly in response. “Want to watch some TV?”
Watching TV is not exactly my first pick but being in the same room with London is more than I thought I’d ever have again. “I’d love to,” I tell her.
We end up with some ridiculous Lifetime movie on with the volume turned almost all the way down. Her eyes seem to glaze over almost immediately, and I know she’s exhausted.
“Come here,” I tell her and pat my lap. “Lay down.” I shift my body to the very far end of the sofa and watch with relief as she lies on her left side and places her head on my lap.
I pull the few clips she has in her hair out and toss them on the coffee table in front of us. I stroke her hair gently and resist the urge to bring it to my nose to smell. We didn’t discuss where we plan to go from here, but we know we both love each other, so I‘m hopeful of our future together.
Before long she’s gone completely still, and her breathing has evened out. I continue to stroke her hair absently and lean my head back, closing my eyes. A sense of calm I’ve never felt before in my life settles over me and know I’ve found my place in the world; I know that place is wherever she is.
Not wanting both of my legs to fall completely asleep, I lift London in my arms and cradle her to my chest as I make my way down the narrow hall. There are only three doors to choose from. One is the bathroom and the one at the very end of the short hall is open, and I can see a queen sized bed taking up almost all of the space in the room.
I walk inside and gently put her down on the unmade bed, thankful the covers were already out of the way, clearly left from when she threw them off of her this morning. I settle her in, pulling the covers over her shoulder and turn to walk away. I have no plans to leave fully but decide it may be best to sleep on the couch.
“Please stay,” she whispers as I make my way to the door.
I turn back to her and see her peering at me with tired eyes. “London, if I get in that bed with you…” I let my words trail off because I don’t even want to give my hunger a voice yet.
“Hold me, please?” I kick off my shoes, unable to resist her plea and climb in behind her.
I wedge one arm under her head and wrap the other one around her waist, settled firm against her amazing bump.
“I love you so much,” she whispers into the dark.
“I’ll love you for the rest of my life, London.” I squeeze her a little tighter as I feel her body match up to mine like the very last piece of a puzzle I’ve been waiting my whole life to find.
I wake up holding onto the most beautiful woman in the world. It’s not a fairy tale, open your eyes and smile at each other kind of moment, because the second she opens her eyes, she jumps up on the bed and scrambles out of the room. I laugh when I hear her mutter something about the baby jumping on her bladder.
A few minutes later she’s crawling back in bed with me, lying across my chest. I stroke her back gently and kiss the top of her messy head. We’re both
still in our clothes from yesterday and looking pretty ragged.
“I missed you so much,” she says hoarsely, and I can hear the pain in her words.
As much as I want to point out the obvious I keep my mouth shut. She knew where I worked; she knew how to find me. I know my anger over it is something I’ll have to work through in therapy, but I refuse to let it cloud the moment we’re having right now.
“I looked for you almost every single day,” I admit to the top of her head.
She shifts her weight and turns her head so she can look at me. “You did?” She asks as if she doesn’t believe me.
I nod. “I drove around for hours trying to find your car. I called almost every doctor’s office hoping they’d give me your information.” She frowns. “They wouldn’t. I didn’t know if you left Spokane. I didn’t know if you,” I have to clear my throat at the next thought. “If you had an abortion.” I reach down and place my large hand on the swell of her belly.
“I’d never…” I hush her by placing my fingers to her lips.
“When all the driving around didn’t produce you I starting being the creepy guy that hangs out at baby stores.” I laugh. “I’m certain I’ve been in every store in this town, at least, a dozen times each.”
“I haven’t even started shopping for the baby yet.” She runs a finger down my cheek. “I didn’t want to go until I knew if it was a boy or a girl.”
My heart rate increases and my hand begins to tremble slightly, excitement coursing through my veins. “Have you found out?” I hate that I’ve missed everything with her pregnancy up to this point.
She grins at me. “Not until next week.” My face hurts because of how big my smile is. “Something you’d be interested in?”
“It would mean the world to me, London.” I’m ecstatic knowing that I haven’t missed every single thing.
“Do you love me, Kadin?” She asks hesitantly.
“More than anyone in this world,” I answer her.
“You haven’t kissed me; you’ve been hesitant to touch me.” She lowers her eyes, but I hook my finger under her chin, gently forcing her to look at me.
“I don’t want to push you. The last thing I want is for you to feel overwhelmed or like I forced my way back into your life. I want nothing more than to make love to you for the rest of my life, London, but I need to know that’s what you want too.” I let my finger roam down her neck and feel a sense of pride when she quivers from my touch.
“We have a lot to talk about,” she says finally.
“Yes, we do. Do you want to do that now? Some things are difficult for me to discuss, but I won’t shy away from your questions.” I need to be an open book for her. I need her to be the same for me. I need to know that she feels comfortable talking to me, able to ask me anything because I can’t lose her again.
“Right now?” She asks and scrunches up her nose like it’s the worst thing in the world. “Right now I want you to shower with me.”
“London,” I groan and scrub my hand over my face. “That’s not such a good idea. I won’t be able to keep my hands off of you.”
She winks at me and climbs off the bed. “I don’t expect you to. Besides, the shower is super tiny so we’ll be practically on top of one another.”
I don’t think I’ve ever moved so fast in my life.
The libido that vanished the second I walked away from Kadin months ago showed up yesterday almost the same second he arrived in my driveway. I stepped away from him on my front porch because I didn’t think I could keep my hands off of him once he touched me.
The wanton woman who just invited him to the shower with her? I have no idea who that woman is, but I have a feeling she’s not going anywhere anytime soon. The cottage is nothing like his condo or the cabin was as far as luxury. I reach in and turn on the hot water, knowing it takes several long minutes for it to warm.
Kadin stands at the sink rinsing his mouth with mouthwash. I brushed my teeth when I used the restroom earlier hoping that he would pounce on me the second I climbed back into bed with him. I don’t know this cautious and tentative Kadin. It’s sweet and endearing, but right now I just want to attack him, and my restraint is faltering as the seconds tick by.
He turns from the sink and takes a step toward me. The bathroom is beyond tiny, so there’s not much room at all to maneuver. I reach my hands up to the top button of his shirt, flicking the first one open.
His chest rumbles in approval when my fingers touch his hot chest as I slowly unbutton his shirt. I stand on the tips of my toes to gain the height I need to push it over his shoulder, making sure my hands stay on his golden skin the entire time. He closes his eyes and takes in every sensation as it flutters to the floor.
I rake my nails down his chest and abdomen on their way to the button and zipper of his jeans. He hisses as they slightly score his skin. The tension builds in the front of his pants at an amazingly swift rate. My mouth waters and the apex of my thighs grow slick as my ears register the rasping sound of his zipper being lowered; Pavlov’s dog at its finest.
I see his hands open the fist as he attempts to maintain his control. I know he wants to touch me, but it’s almost as if he’s enjoying the agony of making himself wait. I watch his face as I rub my hand over his length still covered by his now tight boxer briefs. His groan is rewarding and echoes my own need.
Unable to wait a second longer I push his jeans and boxers down his thighs, causing his cock to spring from its confines. I missed the glorious sight of him. I take a step back and let him finish tugging the pants free from his feet, watching as he carelessly tosses them aside on the floor.
I stand there innocently as if unaware I just provoked a bear in a very tiny room. I want him wild and lustful; I need him to want me as much as I want him. From the look of his narrowed eyes and the way he’s staring at me as if I’m prey, I don’t think that’s going to be a problem.
“Your turn,” he growls. His demeanor is aggressive, but his hands are calm and reverent. He bends forward as he pulls my tank top up, placing the sweetest of kisses on the very top of my bump.
He tugs the tank top over my head efficiently and tosses it toward his own pile of discarded clothing. He hesitates and looks in my eyes as his hands glide up my ribs and his thumbs caress the underside of my breasts, still covered in the lace of my bra. It’s almost as if he’s asking for permission to go forward. I want to slap him for being so apprehensive but at the same time I want to kiss him for being so considerate. I nod my head, giving him permission to continue.
Not wasting another second, he flips open the snap of my bra and my heavy breasts spring free.
“Fuck,” he whispers reverently. I let the lace fall off of my shoulders as he raises his hands and delicately cups each of them in his hands. “They’re bigger than I remember.” He places a kiss on the top of each globe and looks in my eyes.
“I’ve gone up a cup size since getting pregnant, and all of the books say they’ll get even bigger than that after the birth,” I explain.
He keeps his eyes locked on mine watching my reaction as he sweeps his thumbs over the tender, hardened tips. I moan and close my eyes momentarily.
“Still sensitive I see.”
“Ah!” I gasp when he lowers his mouth and gives one a hard lick. “They’re more sensitive.”
He releases me and slides his strong hands down my back, taking my wrinkled slacks down with them. The best thing about maternity clothes is the easy on/easy off. We’re both standing stark naked in my tiny bathroom that long ago filled with the steam from the shower.
Somehow maintaining his control when I want nothing more than for him to bend me over at the sink and fuck me stupid, he pulls the shower curtain aside and holds my hand, helping me step over the lip of the tub and into the spray. My lips remain kiss free as he quickly washes his body and then turns his attention to me.
I’m almost okay that he only cleaned my most delicate spots just as quick and efficient as he di
d his own as he massages soap and then conditioner into my long hair. I close my eyes as his long fingers work my scalp with a magical touch. Once he deems us both clean he reaches past me and turns off the water.
I give him a sexy pout when he dries me with just as much economic grace as he did when he washed me. I’d almost believe he wasn’t affected, but the thickness of his fully erect shaft betrays his false calmness. He wraps the towel around my body, hiding it from his eyes and sits me on the edge of the tub.
He may be doing his best to ignore the big horny elephant in the room but when he starts to comb out my long hair, there’s no way I can ignore the straining erection bouncing in my face. I place my hands gently on his thighs, lean my head in, and without warning suck the mushroom head of his cock into my mouth.
He pulls back suddenly, wrenching himself from my mouth. “London,” he gasps. “What are you doing?”
I give him a mischievous smirk and shrug my shoulders. “You put it in my face. I was just getting reacquainted.”
He narrows his eyes and drops the comb to the floor. “Reacquainted, huh? How about we both get reacquainted in the bedroom?” Finally.
He stands me up and tugs the towel free of my body and uses it to quickly run over his own skin before discarding it on the floor.
“I think that’s a great plan.” I say and squeal when he sweeps me up in his arms and carries me down the short hallway to the room.
He places me gently on the bed and covers my body with his own, taking care not to put pressure on my stomach. Our faces are mere inches apart; I can feel his hot puffs of air as he sweeps damp strands of hair off of my face.
“I can wait, London. We don’t have to jump right into this. Sex is not the reason I’m here with you.” His words falter at the end when I rotate my hips and grind my heat against him.
“I swear, Kadin. If you don’t make me come I’ll…” He cuts my words off when his mouth covers mine.
