This was my favorite part on stage, seeing the crowd vibrate and pulse like a heartbeat. I look around at the crowd, the place is packed to the seams, about twenty-two thousand people all hear to light the night up with Denver.
I hear those first few strums of his acoustic and the place went ape shit. I immediately smile and look around as the crowd all come forward a few feet. Those few feet don’t help you see anything else and your eyes train to the large screen on both sides of the stage and everyone is screaming.
And I get it.
I remember exactly this feeling. I feel it now. I have partied with Denver, I have his cell number in my phone, but seeing it here as a fan not a friend?
Priceless.
I pull Jenny into me, my arms around her waist as we sway together to the first song. We are all singing along and I don’t know how I could have lived without this feeling. This excitement, the beer in my hand and the joint being passed between us… without my girl in my arms, safe from the crowd as we sway body to body. I haven’t held a girl like this at a show since I was seventeen.
Fucking Jenny Pope just brought me back home.
Jenny
The crowd is alive and we are all singing and swaying to the music. Cal has me wrapped up in his arms and he is singing and laughing and yelling with the crowd. He is a little stoned for sure, and a little drunk but I love seeing his smile and how free he is in the moment. This is who I fell for as a teen, then again as a fangirl and even now, ten times harder and completely madly in love with as a woman.
I am trying so hard not to read into it because our relationship is tattered. We have sex and need and passion, but we don’t have that thing that couples build on. But, oh it feels like that right now. The last few weeks I have felt that shift in our relationship and I want so bad to believe that he wants more, that he wants me. That he has let Tayla go and he sees me now, without her destroying his heart. That I could mend it if he would just let me.
I want to lean back into him and let him hold me closer or nuzzle my neck. The way he is tonight is so different from any time before. Time didn’t exist before like it is right now and I can’t help but test this new water we are in. I fall back into him, just hard enough he knows it is intentional, knows I want him to touch me.
His arms get tighter around me, his hips closer. One hands on my hip, but the other is splayed over my waist and his thumb is making circles over my shirt. I came into him with purpose and he is touching me back deliberately. I pull my hair from my ponytail and scoop it to the side, exposing my neck in hopes that-
I feel his beard brush up and down my neck as he sings along to a bluesy song about falling in love. In a moment of fuck it, I turn my head slightly and he wastes no time stealing my lips and kissing me. His tongues dances with mine and I want to turn into this and blow caution to the wind. Let everyone realize that CD is Cal and that I want him, regardless of the cost or if he will always love her.
His hand is tighter on my hip, pulling me up against him and I arch at the sensation of the moment. The song ends and the kiss does too, but he keeps me in his arms, fingers slowly turning me inside out and that hand on my hip holding me against him. He doesn’t move his head or try to adjust, he stays glued into me. As if the God’s knew I needed more, Denver starts a slow song that draws the crowd to dance with whoever they love. I see Noah and Bright, dancing and touching, Ral and Sully holding their phones up to the sky as they sing along. Asa found a girl to make out with and he was currently mouth fucking her. Otto and Dari seemed to be in the moment too as they danced and kissed.
I turn my head into Cal, seeing him watching me. “Dance with me Jen.” He says and I nod, placing my hand over his on my stomach, I sway my hips along with his and rest my head to his chest. I use my fingers to lift my shirt just enough so I can feel his callused fingers on my skin. I feel them brush my stomach and I tremble.
“What is it baby?” He asks and the timber in his voice makes it impossible to deny that he feels more than want with me. I almost cry hearing him call me that. Ten years I have waited for Cal to call me baby. It is here I let go and fall for him. I can’t fight against this, I can’t. I want him and love him too much.
I lace my fingers through his and direct him over the expanse of my skin, letting him feel me. His tongue traces a path from my ear to my collar bone and I can’t ignore the erection pressing into me from behind. I look around, expecting anyone to be watching us, but we look like every other couple here. I slip my hands behind my back and twist until I can feel his abs and the warmth of his chest. I tuck my thumbs in his waist band and pull him against me.
The hand that was on my hip is now under my shirt and bra and he is rubbing my nipple gently and driving me crazy. “What do you want baby, tell me?” I roll my neck and feel my eyes water with tears at hearing it again, my heart is both soaring and breaking because I have wanted it for so long.
I turn my head into him until I am at his ear. “I… don’t call me that and not mean it Caly, please… it’ll cost too much.”
I feel his breath on my chest as I speak and I am prepared to lose this feeling with my admittance that being his ‘baby’ matters to me. He turns his face and kisses me slow and sweet. “I fucking mean it baby.”
Those words floor me and I want to leave and go home, explore whatever is going on between us. I don’t say that though, it will come in time and honestly, I wasn’t nothing more than to relish this with him.
“Do you believe me Jen?”
I look at him, his eyes are glossy and he looks so relaxed and happy. I know he has a buzz, but he is serious and not wasted so I know he means it.
I cup his chin and pull him to my lips, kissing him soft and sweet. “Yeah Caly, I believe you.”
We watch as the lights come on over the venue and all the crowds make their way to the gates behind us. I lace my fingers in Jens and go to turn when Noah stops us all. “Hey, let’s go say hi tell him good show.”
Everyone hoots and hollers a hell yeah, and Jen looks at me. “Want to?”
Fucking loaded question. I want to go home and see what happens between us, just want her alone, but the professional in me says I should be there. “I’m cool, Denver will understand if we aint there. Unless you want to meet him. I’m cool either way firefly.”
I see her eyes light when I say it and I love the effect it has on her. I kind of always found babe or baby to be generic and Tay loved that generic predictable shit. I am slowly learning that I might have been predictable.
Turns out I like following my instinct and telling logic to go fuck itself.
Everyone else, it seems noticed the term I used also. Fuck em’ though, I only care what she wants.
See? Not predictable.
“We can go. I haven’t met him it could be cool.”
“Then we go.” I say and kiss her knuckles before pulling her to my side. They all watch as I guide her the opposite way of the crowd.
Jenny
“So… how did I do?” He asked as we sit around the fire in the backyard. I hate that he felt like I was judging him.
I am laying back on the couch that circles the pit, my feet on his lap, dying from the omg goodness of him rubbing my feet. “I hate that I made you feel self-conscious. That wasn’t my intent.”
He smiles and slides his hands to my ankles and shins. “I should from time to time though. I am arrogant. I hate to admit it, but money changed me.”
I pull my legs from him and sit up, so I am facing him. He wants none of that though and pulls my legs to him until I am right beside him. “That’s better.” He says and chuckles.
“See, that’s that sexy swagger that you have right there, and it is part of the arrogance so no, it isn’t all bad. That swagger will get you any girl you want.”
He watches me, pondering what I just said. “I think I have what I want, right here.”
He isn’t flirting. No, he is being real, and I can’t breathe. I have to say and do the right
thing here, no matter how much I want to scream okay and strip naked. “What’s that?”
“You, me…a fire, few beers. Axe is missing, but he’s always here with us regardless.
“You had that with Tayla didn’t you?” I ask because I am curious. Lately he implies that I make a difference and I want so bad to know why… to know what happened or what was wrong with him and Tayla.
“No, not at all. We weren’t bad together. Axe was a monkey wrench though, but even then… I don’t know. I know she loves him, but I don’t think he is what we were planning on. We both wanted kids, but I think we never would have had them. She was okay with us putting our careers first. I changed with him- for him. I didn’t want to work nonstop. I wanted to go to the park and to play or do Sundays in bed with ESPN or Star Wars.”
I can tell he isn’t done, so I sip from my wine and wait on him to open up more. “I don’t think she was fucking Black when she says she was.” He stops and looks at me. “That day in court when you signed him over to me?” He asks me like as if I could forget.
“Hard to forget that day. I didn’t sleep for months because I felt so much guilt.”
“Firefly…” He says and scoots until he is right in front of me and places his hands in mine. “Never feel that, not on that. I saw you for the first time that day. I saw more than what I had always assumed. I saw it wrecked you, I knew you loved him and that there was more to the story. If I had to fight you I was willing, but you did the hardest thing and it was what he needed. It gave him his mom back, Jen.”
I feel my tears fall and try to pull my hands from his to shield them. I never let anyone see me hurt, but in this, with Axe… I can’t hide it. Cal leans in and kisses them as they fall, then uses his thumbs to wipe them away.
“You are an amazing mom Jen. Never ever doubt that. Even when you were ruled by things that hurt you both, you tried to do what you could and when you couldn’t, you brought him home. That money that I changed for, that money that gave him what he needed?" He shakes his head and sighs. "It was the strongest most difficult thing you ever had to do." He takes my hand and brushes my knuckles. "The right thing is never the easy thing."
I nod and try to catch my breath because he is too good, it scares me to love him like this. “Tell me the rest, tell me why you thought of that day Cal.”
“We don’t need to talk about this. We don’t need to talk about her. Shit gets awkward because I am feeling you and I am passed what she did.”
He's so open about his feelings and I love it, love finally glimpsing some emotion from him about us. But to say he is over her is a scary thought. He rearranged his life and the very person he was for her. It isn’t something you get past easily when the person you love destroys you.
“If you’re passed it then tell me.”
He sits back and looks at the fire for a minute. He doesn’t seem frustrated, just in thought. So again, I wait and let him find his words.
“In court that day. I told the Judge that Tay was going to be my wife, and that she would be adopting Axe.” He looks at me, and honestly, I think he is assessing if I seem bothered by what he says. I don’t want to think of him with her ever, but I am so used to thinking of them together as opposed to living in the destructive hell he went through and the wake of her heartlessness when she left.
“Anyway, she flipped the fuck out after we left court. I mean flipped out. She was so bent over the fact I hadn’t proposed to her yet, that I just assumed…” He shakes his head and it is proof he isn’t over it all yet. He is bothered by what he knows now and was too blinded too see back then.
“I had assumed. I assumed that was the plan and I don’t think she did. Hind sight is twenty-twenty, and I should have caught it then. I think that was when she and Black started, that it was around that time. Now- I know and can place the late nights at the office and when the constant bitching and anger. She was not with him until after that court date. She won’t risk her pride in telling me she cheated long after we had committed to one another. She will never tell me the truth, and I don’t know... I guess I just stopped needing it.”
He looks at me and I can see he is scared to tell me these things. Whether he feels nothing or he still loves her isn’t the point. He wants me to know because he respects me and it is the first time I think it might just be what he says.
“I chose Axe. The minute I saw him at my mom and dads, saw his eyes. I knew my world was a different one and I think she resented me for it. It took me years to choose her and seconds with Axe.”
“Can I ask something?” I hadn’t thought about these timelines or why they would matter, but wanted the answers anyway.
“You guys were together for like three years or something right?”
He nods and swigs from his beer. “Yeah and no. We were fucking since the first album. It started about a month before Shames dad died. That was six and a half years ago.”
I calculate the timeline in my head and feel horrified. “So, we were…”
He nods. “Yeah, every-time I knew you were around. Hell, there were times I told her to pass along the message to come to my bus if I didn’t go to the greenroom or you didn’t. I sent money for it, reserved rooms for it. Tay knew it all. I can’t hide what a piece of shit I was, to both of you and the countless others.”
This is the first time we have both talked about it. Uncovered all the shit and secrets. He knows mine and now I am hearing his. “Did she ever put that together?” I ask, humiliated for her, which is weird because I didn’t know. I like to think that if I would have known he had someone waiting on him, that I would have denied him. I can’t say I would back then, because sadly I loved him too.
“Oh, fuck yeah, every chance she could. All the girls were thrown in my face.”
“Do you ever think that if I would have told you about Axe when he was born… I don’t know do you ever think we both would have been different?”
He seems to truly think on it and ponder that question. I understand the weight of it, I have spent countless hours pondering it too.
“I think I would have been an even bigger dick to you both. I needed Axe to find my heart. I fell for Tay around a year before I knew he existed. Had I not fought to win her and changed every part of me, I would have shit on you and the boy.”
I nod but say nothing because I know it kills him to answer with the truth he did. For all my changes and all of his, we were both our worst selves when we created Axe.
We watch the fire, deep in thought. I finish my wine and he finishes his beer. The night has kicked my ass though and I am ready for a chick flick in bed where I might cry or laugh. I felt that spark at the concert, but now I feel awful hearing about their shitty relationship from the start.
“Did I ruin everything talking about this shit?” He asks and I watch him scrub his beard.
“Ruin what? It’s been a good night I thought.” I am the master of playing it cool, when all I want to do is beg him to pick me, pick us and let her go.
“Come here you little liar. Come sit with me and hear me out.” He pulls me onto my knees and scoops my ass in his hands before plopping me on his lap.
“I don’t want us to just fuck Jen. I want you. I need you and it go's deep." He looks at me, his intense eyes, those thick long lashes that melt me... "I won’t lay my heart out and dive into how I feel and be pushed away, again."
I want so bad to say yes and kiss him, but… I take a deep breath and kiss him sweetly before I say what I need to. “I need to be fair to my heart and to Axe. I never want him to hope for us as a family with the white picket fence and then not deliver it. I want you so much Cal, I think about you and what we could be so much.”
“But?” He asks me, and he looks terrified.
“But, we have never done the date thing, or to fuck without need being the driving force. I want you to want me in every sense of the word. To own me, heart and soul. Before that could ever happen, Caly you need to choose between Tay and I.” I place
my finger over his lips when he goes to protest what I just said.
“Let me clarify. I know you and Tayla are done and living in separate worlds. I get it, but I need to decide if your heart feels that too. I can date you and we can grow this thing between us, but I will need to know it is me and only me before I can give you all of me. I won’t compete with her memory. I have waited so long Cal, over ten years in and out of your bed wishing I could stay. I need to know that when I am there I am there for good, and I can wait for that.”
“Why now?” I see what he is saying. But, starting now it counts on a different scale.
“Caly, I am not saying I won’t be with you or in your bed." I sigh and try to find the right words. "Every night before this moment took its toll on my heart. I have never even shared a night’s sleep in your arms. I want to know that if I risk my heart with you, then I need to know you’ll figure it out soon and not string me along.” I kiss him, let my lips linger. I feel his hands encase my ass and pull me into him, feeling what I do to him, wanting him more than ever, I still pull back and hope he agrees.
“So, what are you asking me Red, break it down.” He nuzzles into my neck, pulling my hair to expose my entire neck. It is impossible to think right now as he does it. I pull back and place my hands on his chest.
“You are making it too hard to think.”
He laughs and nods, folding his arms over his chest and he gives me his undivided attention.
“I am saying yes, yes let’s date, let’s make something special spark in bed and fall asleep together. Take me on dates, I will take you on some fun ones. Be in my life and let me into yours…”
"You recall I said this same thing a few days ago?"
"Yeah and I didn’t answer. Now I am asking the same in return as well as agreeing to it... you are who I want Cal..."
"But?" He asks again and I know he is frustrated.
"But, I need to know it’s me. I need to feel it and know it’s true. I handed my heart to you the only way I could and I need you to choose to give me yours."
Fix Me_TAT_A Rocker Romance Page 15
