I was raised humble, and I mean humble. There were Christmases I got food and socks and was thankful. I want that same graciousness in Axe for the simple fact that he will always strive for more.
I make him toast and peel a banana and set them in front of him with a juice box and wait for him to tell me thank you.
'Thank you.' He signs, but keeps looking out the window, lost on whatever unfair notion he thinks of me.
I pour my coffee and look at my phone seeing a text from Cal.
Cal: Hey, left at six to get to practice. I know shit is out of control right now and that you hate me, but please come tonight Red. Everything will be clear tonight.
I don’t respond even though I know I am going to support him tonight. I don’t respond because I have nothing to say. Seeing them kissing unhinged something inside of me that left me questioning anything. He loved her, for years and built a life with her. Wanted to marry her. Wanted her to mother our son. It would be a foolish notion to hope he felt nothing.
I have dated and I have cared for other men over our history. I know it's hard to explain those draws when you know you love someone else. I always loved Cal more than any other guy. I fear that what he is to me, is what Tayla is to him. I cannot afford to be an afterthought, or next contestant.
Noah text me then as Axe brings me his plate and throws his napkin away, looking at me like he is waiting for my phone and I don’t know what is up with the attitude. 'Thank you for cleaning up your breakfast.' I sign and read the message.
Noah: Bright wants you to meet at our place before his show. Pregame shit I’m sure.
Me: Ok, I will text when I am on my way.
I look at Axe who is glaring at me. "What's the attitude about Axe Calvin Dorian?" I sign as I speak and see him flinch at the use of the full birth name.
'I can’t go see daddy and Lex play.' He signs and I see fat tears welling in his eyes. I feel bad that I didn’t know he was feeling left out.
"Baby, this show is for adults only. You have to be able to drive a car to get into it." I explain and leave out the twenty-one and over thing because he won’t understand.
'That’s dumb.' He states and stomps his foot as tears fall.
"Dumb is a mean word Axe and you know it." I sign with my voice getting loud from frustration he can’t hear.
'You’re dumb and I like dads shows. I wear ear things that protect me so you’re lying and that makes you dumb.'
Now, I have done the parenting classes and sensitivity therapy for kids with disabilities that are there to help you understand... but he went and pissed me off because this was spoiled brat shit and nothing to do with his hearing being the factor and he knew it.
"Listen here little boy. I am your mom and it is my job to make sure that you are safe, respectful and happy. If I can’t make you happy, I guarantee it is because I am keeping you safe and respectful. Whatever this is, isn’t open for discussion and now you can go to your room." I sign fast as I speak, but I know he got the point of my anger.
He went to interrupt me and I took his hands in mine. "No, do not argue with me. I said go to your room. If you fight me on this you will lose all electronics for the day."
He yanks his hands from me and looks me dead in the eyes. 'So?' He signs, and hand to God... I was more a mother than ever before.
'Okay, that’s done. Want to lose more?' I sign.
He shrugs and smiles a mean smile at me. 'I know you’re lying. I go to his shows a lot.'
"Keep it up and I will call dad and have him come explain it to you." I state firmly and wait for him to call my bluff.
Which he does.
What the hell is up with my normally sweet kiddo?
I keep my cool and shrug same as him and call Cal on facetime. I have no clue how to explain this fit, but so be it if he thinks for one second either of us will cater to the fit.
I prop the phone and sit where he can see me and my hands when he answers. "Hey babe..." He says it cautiously and I could care less about the shit yesterday. Right now, we are mom and dad.
"Your son wants to talk to you." I sign and speak so Axe can see I mean business. Cal knew my tone did and Axe couldn’t care less right now.
"What’s up little man?" He signs and asks, looking between the two of us and see's my frustration and his tears. "Why you crying dude?"
Axe starts signing a mile a minute telling Cal how mean I am and I am floored by the outburst when Cal interrupts him and claps his hands in front of the screen making Axe flinch.
He signs just as fast, half speaking and half signing. It happens sometimes when emotions are high. "Now!" He says sternly without signing, knowing Axe knows he is serious.
Axe storms off up to his room and leaves us to figure out who body snatched our kid.
"What the fuck was that?" Cal asks.
"He woke up upset. He was asking where you were and started the minute I turned the light on." I explain the attitude with my phone and with breakfast before the meltdown.
"He is mad that he can’t come to the show. He thinks this is like the small ones we do on talk shows or radio when I let him tag along. He has only ever watched me play in small venues and so when we spoke of this one as small and intimate he thought we were leaving him out."
I get it, easy enough, but I cannot stand how he spoke to me. "And calling me a liar and dumb?" I ask, mad I think for the first time ever at my son.
"Unacceptable, obviously and he called me the same. I told him he would stay grounded for the day and that he would get another day if he kept it up and didn’t apologize."
"Where did he learn it though?" I ask, mind blown he would say that shit.
"He is a kid. He isn’t immune to things he sees or learns that aren’t positive. The world is imperfect as are the people in it, including Axe. He thinks we are dumb for not letting him come and feels left out. He has been informed its bullshit and that how he is acting isn’t going to be tolerated. Now, let him sweat it out. If he digs his heels in he knows he will be grounded tomorrow. Everything else we can talk to his therapist about Monday."
I sigh but have no idea what to say.
"Firefly, you’re a good mom and did what I would do. Don’t sweat it." He says and I feel it then and there... I trust that he didn’t ask for yesterday.
"Okay, Caly." I say and hear a soft groan and see him close his eyes.
"Look, I gotta get back to work, but I love that Caly shit. I guarantee you'll be screaming it by the time we are home tonight baby."
He drops the call on purpose so I am left to think on that all day. I am glad I called him though. I needed that reassurance as a mother that I was doing the right thing. Even in my strongest moments I question if I am doing right by him... then I think of Cal and what a phenomenal dad he is and know that my partner in this couldn’t have been a better accidental choice.
Chapter Sixteen
Jen
By the time I left the pregame I had been transformed. I have never argued my look. It's me. I am skinny jeans, shabby kind of in layers and scarfs and drama. If I dress up I can do the heels thing with cute tight tops, but I haven’t been that girl in a long time. That being said, I felt nerves unlike any time before in my life as I went, dressed to kill, to watch Cal play.
I couldn’t believe they took the time to plan this dress up party for me so that I felt special even though it wasn’t my night.
"You are gonna want to look like a trophy bitch tonight baby. I bet ya that." Raleigh says as he hands me the black skinny jeans with holes split in the knees and a tight t shirt that says 'Rock N Roll stole my soul' on it.
"Well thanks Ral." I say sarcastically and roll my eyes when he snaps me into line and I put the clothes on.
"He's right Jen." Bright says when she enters the vanity room. Legit, Noah let her have a girly room. "You will be kissing his ass later."
"Do you know something I don’t?" I ask, knowing that they have seen more of this show in practice than I have.
"I don’t want a spectacle." I groan hoping they aren’t planning on making a scene tonight of all nights.
"Please." Ral says and rolls his eyes. "Like I am classless? Girl I wouldn’t embarrass you, nobody would. Just trust me yeah?"
I look at him dead pan as he says it in a perfect imitation of Noah.
"Are you seriously mimicking him now?" I ask and he winks.
"It worked though, so in this yeah. Besides sugar daddy would never let anyone embarrass you. He loves you almost as much as he loves me."
I laugh at the ego and though I know he loves me, he truly has taken Raleigh in like a long lost wayward kid he needed to adopt to save. It was odd, but it worked.
"Well, then I guess you better make me look the part Ral." I laugh as I say it and the nervous butterflies are flying around in my tummy. It has been a long time since I watched Cal take the stage hoping he would leave with me.
Now, dressed in the tight t and jeans he throws me a bone and lets me wear my red chucks after rolling the cuff of my jeans. He systematically puts each bracelet on my wrists, and rings on my fingers before starting in on a messy knot for my hair.
How he made me look like this was effortless and perfect was beyond me. The boy was gifted for sure. We are met with Carrie and Cassa as the kitchen fills up, and more of the same excitement from them.
"You look perfect for tonight Jen." Carrie says and hands me a shot of tequila as we all cheers.
"Can I suggest...?" Cassa asks and looks to Ral and I for our approval. Cassa is knock out beautiful and her style sense is up there with Ral and Bright, so I begrudgingly allow her to fix whatever she thinks is off.
"Come with me." She says and pulls me by the arm to Bright's closet and looks to Ral who followed us in. "I need scissors." She says and I feel dread.
"What are you cutting?" I ask with trepidation and all trust in my look is fading.
"Trust her." He says and hands her some big ass scissors.
She starts slicing the back of the shirt and the sides until, if possible it looks better. "How did you do that?" I ask and look at the black shirt that was already a tight fit and how now it shows just enough of everything to look sexier and still keep its edge.
"I do this to my TAT shirts usually." She says as she pulls a clunky large black belt around my waist and fastens it on my hip.
I look in the mirror at the quick transformation and love what she did.
"Wow, I love it Cassa. Thank you." I mean it and hope she can feel the sincerity. A year ago, I think she would watch me burn before offering to piss on the fire to save me. It seems though, that we have reached that point where I have proven myself to them as changed.
I both hate it and am thankful for it.
I understand why they hated me, but now I would forever guess the start of these friendships. I knew Cassa a little in high school, she was always with Shamus and we got along though we ran in different circles. I was desperate to be popular and surrounded by friends and Cass just didn’t give a shit, she had Shame and that was all she cared about.
"You’re welcome Jen. And I mean that." She says and places her hands on my shoulders to ensure I am paying attention. "And you are welcome. Here, with us. We are family Jen and you are a part of it and I am sorry for how awful I was to you."
I am shocked by her response and the truth she speaks. They are family, his family and Axe's and it is why I let the shit go. To hear her say this when we had the worst relationship than even Cal and I in the beginning... means a lot.
"Thank you." I say and I know I sound small, I am just overwhelmed by the action.
She hugs me close and pats my back. "Let’s go see a bad ass show." She says and pulls me by the hand.
Cal
We are about to take the stage and I look on the monitors and from the side stage when the lights go down and am blown away by the sold-out show. The front row is lined with promotors, PR reps and Producers. In the center, the three front rows are reserved for our people. Jen and the wives sit center front row with Ral and Lex's twin brother Langston with his girlfriend Jessica.
The remaining rows are family, friends, the PIT crew and our road crew. I wish Axe could have been here and feel awful leaving him with a sitter tonight knowing how bad he wanted to be here. Lex and I agreed tomorrow we could do a show for just him if he remained good the rest of the night.
"You ready?" I ask Lex who looks nervous but excited.
"Hell yes!" She says and hugs me. "I don’t know what would have been without you Calvin." She says and looks at me when she pulls from the hug. "You are my unexpected blessing."
I feel a swell of pride hearing her say it and feel I should say something. "This is your show. I have a small part in it. You busted your ass for it Lex and you’re about to see hard work pay off."
She nods and blinks a lot to keep from crying and I laugh. "Toughen up cupcake." I say and head to my boys.
"You guys ready to see this shit live?" I ask as they all hi-five me and shoulder pat me in support but first making fun of my fancy threads.
"You proposing after?" Chad asks and laughs when he flicks the collar of my royal blue Armani shirt.
"Hey, I aint a total douche." I say and point to my jeans and chucks I paired.
"Classy and trashy. I dig it." Shame says and I roll my eyes.
"Well... shit I just hope you guys enjoy this." I say, my nerves on display and it is a first for me.
"Hell, yes we will." Noah says and fist bumps me as he makes his way to the side to go to his seat with the others. "You got this brother." Chad says and Shame nods. "You do, you’re fucking brilliant."
I thank them and watch as they disappear to go have a seat and call for Noah who steps back toward me. "What’s up?"
"Make sure she doesn’t get in her head with the Tay shit."
Before I can go into explanations he shoosh's me. "Dude, she will listen. Trust me." He says and leaves me standing there hoping he is right.
We don’t start with chit chat, but with my guitar and one hell of a riff as the venue goes dark and the place explodes in a thunderous applause as they chant our names. We are starting with our version covering Hurricane by Fleurie. The radio's liked the LP and we decided to include it as the only cover we will do.
I let her take the piano lead just as we did in Pinky's that first time as we play the slow methodic melody as the venue goes quiet. Once her beats start you can hear the cheers of the audience as I back her voice up with mine before the pause at the chorus.
By the end of the song, it was obvious we had them hooked and now it was time to get them addicted. "Everyone, please let me announce the one and only Cal Dorian on guitar and anything else he touches."
I stand as Lex introduces me and nod at the crowd, humbled by the loyalty of the front row. I see Tayla sitting there, close, too close to the front row and Jen and I cringe. I knew she would be here, but I don’t want shit misinterpreted considering I haven’t even talked to Jen yet.
I chose, like she did, to let the words I can’t say speak for me. This is my journal and it is for her. I just pray like hell that by the end she won’t question it.
Jen
I come back from the bar knowing they will do one more song and the stage is being set up with two pianos’ instead of one and only one mic stand. I sit next to Bright and Raleigh and look for the remainder of TAT. "Where are the guys?" I ask Bright who is obviously lying her ass off as she tells me she doesn’t know.
"I think they are giving Cal an early congrats before the pandemonium ensues. And it will, he proved his ability tenfold to come out of his skin like he did tonight."
"Ohmigawd yesssss he did." Raleigh says and fans himself. "I had no idea he could be so swoon worthy." He looks to Carrie with a pout. "Sorry baby, but I am a Cal Dorian fan for life now."
She laughs as do I and it is because I agree with him. "What about Noah? H
e'll be crushed Ral." Carrie says and laughs even harder. No way Ral would ever trade in Noah, not for anyone.
"Oh, please honey. No man is dumb enough to leave their talented, supportive non-judgmental Sugar daddy when he spoils him rotten."
We all shrug, because as much as Raleigh jokes and teases where Noah is concerned, he would die for him and is grateful that he finally has a support system he can count on.
The lights dim and Cassa starts screaming over everyone and we all look to the stage when Lexington comes over the PA system telling us about writing this song and the devotion to which Cal put in to it.
"Cal is a composer and a brilliant one, but this song was written and composed by him. This is so personal to him and the process in writing this was not easy on him. I hope that when you see this performance and the many talents of Cal, that you will understand the depth he went to create this. We have a surprise guest as well for back up on this and no denying you'll feel their presence too and the never-ending support they provided in the creation of this song. Without further ado, Cal Dorian on Piano, Guitar and Vocals in My Journal."
We all, the audience included stand and applaud as he takes the stage. I am desperate to focus on every word he sings here, wondering if this is the one he said I inspired. So many songs so far seem to be his way of coming out of the disaster she left him in but based on the enthusiasm of the girls and the fact TAT's remaining members are missing... I think it is and I am all nerves.
He comes out looking like himself. He is no longer wearing the blue button up Armani and jeans. Now he is dressed more like himself in a hoodie and jeans with his old black chucks. He has his Les Paul slung over his back and a headset mic and makes for his seat at the piano, looking directly at me and winks before he seats and places his focus on the final song.
Fix Me_TAT_A Rocker Romance Page 21
