What should she do?
Thoughts swirled much like the snow flurries the Chinook winds were stirring. Gemma mulled them over on the drive home from her mother’s.
Last night with Lucky had been...everything. He’d done just what her mother had said. Delivered on all her desires. He knew how to touch, kiss, press, retreat until she was nothing but a mass of mindless sexual need. Never had she experienced anything like it. Her heart was no longer hers.
Neither was her body.
She couldn’t deny that she loved him. But had he weaved a spell to feed on her soul as her mother seemed to claim? And how was it that mother and daughter had ended up seduced by Dreamweavers?
There was too much to think about, and all of it fell under the umbrella of crazy. She was glad she hadn’t called off her date with Cub. Maybe she needed it. Lucky hadn’t been around to answer any questions. The snow had stopped, and heavy clouds were dispersing from cloaking the skies above Fairbanks. She could see the waves of the Northern Lights as they broke through the atmosphere.
It was a harrowing drive. The temperatures had warmed up to freezing. The roads were iced over like frosting on a cake, and Gemma’s hands trembled by the time she safely parked her car in the garage.
Spring was in the air, but Alaska did spring like she did everything else. With a vengeance. They didn’t call it Break Up for nothing.
She entered into the kitchen, laying her purse and keys on the dining table. What she needed was a long relaxing soak in the rub. She also badly needed to talk to Lucky.
Where was he? He visited before with less of an Aurora display. He should be here.
“Lucky?” she called into the empty house, knowing she wasn’t going to get an answer back. The house was like a void. A black hole.
Siri couldn’t be right and that Lucky was using her, feeding off her soul like some astral vampire.
The air suddenly shifted in the room, became colder, swirling for a moment before settling. Just like it had in the store earlier. Had Lucky been trying to get to her but couldn’t for some reason? She’d much rather believe that than the alternative.
“Gemma.”
She swiveled on her heel. And there he was. She caught and held her breath. She could see him, yet could also see through him. He was more substantial than ever before. Not solid like he’d been last night when she’d visited him, but more. And since she was able to see more, she saw the agony and decision in his bedroom eyes. Dread settled in her stomach.
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m sorry, Gemma.”
“For what?” It suddenly became hard for her to swallow.
“For everything. I never should have hunted you down. I should have left you alone to live your life, and I should have moved on.”
“That’s a lot of shoulds.” Her knees trembled, and she couldn’t help the tears forming in her eyes.
“Don’t cry.” There was a catch to his voice. “This is hard enough.”
“Then why are you doing it?” she whispered.
He held still, only his fists clenching and unclenching as though it took everything for him not to pull her into his arms. “I want you to have what I can’t.”
“But you can.” She took a step toward him, coming up short when he moved back. “I can see you. Every time we are together our bond strengthens.”
“Which is why I need to end it now.”
“No.” The breath she gasped hurt as it burned its way into her lungs. “Don’t you get it? I can see you, hear you.” She took another step and placed her hand over his heart. “Feel you.”
His eyes closed on a moan, and his hand came up to clasp hers hard against his chest. “I can never be a whole man for you. Never give you the family you’ve dreamt of. Cub can do that.”
“Cub?” Confused, she let her hand fall away from him. “You were there? In the bookstore.”
“Yes. He likes you. It wouldn’t take much for him to fall in love with you.” He caressed the side of her face. “It wouldn’t take anything for a man to love you.”
“What about me? Don’t I have a choice in this? What about us being destined for each other?” Had her mother nailed that one?
“Your mother is a gifted woman. There would have been a time when she would have been considered the Shaman or Seer. Listen to her. She will help you through this.”
“No,” she said through clenched teeth. “You don’t get to decide this. I have a stake. This is my heart, my life, my decision. I love you. Why do I have to live without you because you suddenly feel the need for self-sacrifice?”
“I don’t feel the need. It’s what’s right. You will forget me in time.”
She shook her head. “That will never happen.”
He suddenly grabbed her shoulders and gave her a slight shake. “You have to, Gemma. I can’t move on unless you do.” He dropped his forehead to hers. “Gemma. There will be another time, another life for us. I-I am so very sorry that I couldn’t wait until then. Forgive me.” His mouth was hard on hers, desperate.
There was a moan of pain as he tore his lips from hers. His eyes burrowed into hers. “If you truly love me, then forget me and live your life in celebration of what we couldn’t have. I’m not coming back. I fully expect you to move on...as I plan to.”
Then he was gone.
Silent sobs shook her frame until she stumbled and sank to the floor, her arms hugging around her as though it would help contain the pain of her splintering heart.
The Northern Lights ripped through the fabric of the night sky.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
There wasn’t a lot of time until her date with Cub. A date she should have canceled. It wasn’t fair to spring her newly insane nature on him. But then maybe he could pull her back from the edge she teetered on. Give her that anchor to reality that she felt dragging.
She’d spent most of the night lamenting on what Lucky had said, threatening him to come back to her, even going outside and yelling at the Northern Lights until the dogs in the neighborhood started to howl. When yelling hadn’t worked, she’d begged. And then cried until there were no more tears left in her body.
Lucky never appeared.
As a last resort, she swallowed one of the sleeping pills hiding in the drawer of her night table. And slept. No visit from her Dreamweaver, no astral projecting to him. Just sleep. She didn’t even think she moved.
He was truly gone. And during the afternoon, after she’d cleaned her whole house, caught up with the meaningless tasks she’d been putting off, she realized Lucky was right.
Her heart wept for him while her mind applauded his willpower and wished she could be as strong. Left up to her, she’d have followed him wherever he journeyed.
Three times she’d picked up the phone to call and cancel with Cub, but Lucky’s plea to live her life in celebration of what was taken from them stayed her hand. She’d spent most of the early evening going back and forth over what she should do.
Indecision became decision as evening approached.
It was too late to cancel now. Besides, she liked Cub. They had a lot in common. He was noble, adventurous, and very nice to look at. A good man. One who reminded her of Lucky in a lot of ways.
Okay, she needed to stop that.
Comparing Cub to Lucky wouldn’t serve anybody. It wasn’t like Cub was looking to marry her or her him. It was dinner. They enjoyed each other’s company. Besides, they both needed to eat.
A knock at the door suspended her thoughts. This would be good. A normal evening out with a man. A flesh and blood man. Nervous sweat broke over her body and she waved her hands in front of her face, hoping she didn’t have a sheen on her skin.
She opened the door, welcoming the chilly air to cool her overheated body. Cub stood there dressed in dark slacks, a button-down white shirt, and tie, with a dark wool coat left to hang open. The cold didn’t seem to faze him. A box of chocolates was clutched in his hand.
“Wow, you look nice,” she
blurted out. She’d never seen him in anything but jeans, t-shirts, or swim trunks. The man polished up pretty.
“Isn’t that supposed to be my line?” Cub said, cocking a nervous smile. “You do, by the way. Look nice that is.”
She’d thrown on a black skirt that hit above the knees, and in deference to the weather had added tall leather boots. A simple, form-fitting black sweater topped off the outfit. At the last minute, she’d added a splash of color from the hand-painted sea-green silk scarf she’d bought at Tern’s shop months ago. All black didn’t always send the best message for a date, since she looked more like she was going to a funeral. But no matter what else she’d tried on that had been cheerier, nothing had worked. She’d left the indigo tourmaline and the ruby crystal on her dresser. Neither would do her any good as Lucky had chosen to move on.
“Thanks.” There was a pause as she waited for Cub to do something. Finally, he shoved the chocolates at her.
“I hope you like chocolate. I actually heard of some women not liking chocolate, which has to be like some urban legend, but since I didn’t know for sure I thought it was a good bet that you’d be okay with them, and I’m talking too much again, aren’t I?”
Here was someone as confounded as her. “For the record, I love chocolate. Feel free to give them to me any time. Thank you.” She took the box, noticing they were one of her favorite brands, though the thought of eating one right now made her nauseous. She hoped she’d be able to choke down dinner. “Please, come in.” She shut the door behind him and walked to the kitchen, setting the box of chocolates on the counter.
“Did you find that draft?” Cub asked following behind her. “Your house seems warmer today. Or is it because it isn’t as cold outside as it was the other night? If you haven’t contacted anyone, I know a guy I could call. He’d be here this weekend if you need him. Just say the word.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose. “There I go again. I’m messing this up.”
“Messing what up?” She turned after grabbing her purse and keys.
“Our date. I’m going to talk you to death.”
“I’m not worried.” At least one of them would have something to say. She wasn’t sure how much of a conversationalist she’d be tonight. Another reason she really should have called this off. Though Cub had been entertaining since he’d shown up, if not rattled. “Why are you so nervous? It isn’t like we haven’t spent time together before. I’m not going to attack you or anything.”
“I’d like you to.” His face flushed bright red. “Sorry. I can’t believe I said that out loud.”
She paused adjusting the purse strap on her shoulder. It was her turn to suddenly feel nervous. “Cub, I—”
“Forget that slipped out.” He rubbed the bridge of his nose again. She’d never noticed the nervous action before. But then she couldn’t remember if she’d ever seen Cub nervous.
“Okay, what’s up?” She had a sneaking suspicion this had to do with the book he’d bought in her store the other day.
“Gemma, I like you.” He dragged in a deep breath and let it out in a rush. “I’ve only dated one other woman in my whole life.”
She stared at him. One woman? He had to be close to thirty.
“I married my high school sweetheart. She was the only one I’ve ever dated, ever loved, ever made love to.” He pulled at his collar. “I lost her a year ago, and you are my first date.”
Oh man, way to put on the pressure. “But we’ve been out before so this doesn’t really count as our first date.”
One woman?
“Those other times I wasn’t looking at you as a...romantic interest. That first time I kissed you, I hadn’t really thought it through. It was a spur of the moment kind of thing. You were there, I’ve been really lonely, and I bungled it up.”
“The second time you kissed me, you didn’t.”
“I know!” He smiled like a kid who’d scored the winning goal at a hockey game. “It gave me hope that I could move on and experience another relationship.”
Oh, holy balls, she needed to put a stop to this. She was going to break Cub’s fragile heart.
“I’m doing everything wrong. Everything the book said not to do.” He closed his eyes and grimaced. “Can we forget all this and start again from when I knocked on the door. I’m not this much of a basket case.”
Good thing, since she was.
“Come to dinner with me, Gemma. Get to know who I am, that is getting to know more about me than just kayaking and my love for sappy movies.”
He was like a puppy, all wobbly and adorable. How did she say no? “Where are you planning on taking me for dinner?”
Gemma laughed at the story Cub regaled her with about a particular rescue where the wife had been worried sick when her husband hadn’t returned from a hunting trip, and then livid when the husband had been found holed up in the Brooks Range with another woman.
She and Cub ate dinner at Pike’s Landing and continued to share stories of work—shying away from family for now—and outrageous experiences that Alaska seemed famous for. Sipping her coffee, Gemma watched the Northern Lights reflect over the snow. She didn’t feel Lucky, no brush of fingers on the back of her neck, no cold breeze in the room, no whispered inflections, and knowing he’d never appear again sent pain radiating throughout her chest. She might have to consider moving some place south where the Northern Lights couldn’t reach as they would serve as a constant reminder of her Dreamweaver.
“What happened just now?” Cub asked. “You’ve done that before with me. One minute you’re here and the next worlds away.”
Worlds away summed it up.
“I like you, Cub.”
“Good. I like you too.”
“But I’m not good for you.” This was way too soon. What had she been thinking?
“Shouldn’t I be the one to decide that?”
“I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Ditto. By the way, I’m a fan of the movie Ghost too.” Cub said it in joking, but Gemma couldn’t help the shiver that slid over her.
“What is it?” he asked.
“Do you believe in the afterlife?”
“So, the deep part of the date has arrived.” He tried to steer the conversation back to the lightheartedness without success. “Okay, yes, I do.” He cleared his throat. “After my wife died, I felt her. She was there, holding my hand, helping me through the worst of my grief. It was so hard to realize that while I worked in Search and Rescue the one person who meant the most to me was beyond my ability to save.”
Why couldn’t she fall in love with this man? There was so much to love about Cub. And that was before adding in his amazing physique. How had he not been scooped up? Could it be that he’d been so in love with his wife that other women weren’t a consideration until now? How had he picked her to begin his journey back to the land of the living? Why couldn’t she have met him before Lucky, but then would that really have mattered? She knew Lucky would have stolen her heart regardless at what time in her life he’d appeared.
Where did that leave her?
“I have something to tell you.” Unable to stop herself, she let it all out. Everything. Ending with her heartache. Their ice cream melted and was forgotten by the time she’d finished filling him in on the craziness her life had become. Cub regarded her with rapt attention, his mouth partly open in awe.
“So this guy, this Dreamweaver, is real to you?”
She nodded, not believing that she’d really spilled her guts. What must he think of her now? A hot wave of embarrassment flooded her face.
He fell back in his chair, looking a bit stunned. “Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“Fascinating.” His brows lowered. “And you love this man?”
She nodded again.
“Well, aren’t we a pair?”
She choked on a laugh. “Got any advice?” Other than therapy, she silently added.
“Since I’m not one who is great at taking advice, I can’t r
eally hand it out.”
Her laugh came much easier this time. “You really are something special, Cub.”
“Yeah, I get that all the time.” He motioned for their check. The waiter rushed right over to hand it to him, and Gemma realized they’d been talking a while. In fact, they were the last ones left in the restaurant.
Cub dropped enough cash on the table to cover the tab and leave a healthy tip. He helped her into her coat, his hand guiding her at the small of her back as they exited the restaurant. The ice was slick underneath their feet, and she slipped. He grabbed her arm, holding her close to him as they slipped and skated their way to Cub’s truck, laughing like children. She was suddenly very glad she hadn’t canceled.
Cub held the door open for her, and she turned before climbing in. “Thank you for dinner. I really enjoyed myself and hope that I didn’t dump too much on you.”
He glanced at her lips and then back to her eyes. “I’m the one who should be thanking you.” His thumb came up and caressed her bottom lip. Slowly, as though to give her enough time to move away, he leaned down to kiss her.
His lips settled softly on hers. They were slightly cold from the night air, but quickly heated as they moved against hers. Wisps of wanting surprised her with the desire to sink into him and forget.
What kind of woman could feel something like this for two separate men?
He moaned against her mouth, and the vibrations did funny things to her insides.
Last time she’d kissed Cub, Lucky had messed with the temperature in her house. Tonight, nothing. Could she be doing this because she wanted to evoke a response from Lucky? Cub’s response seemed to all be in working order.
“You’re drifting again.” He tilted his head up, his startling blue eyes searching hers. “Your Dreamweaver?”
“I’m conflicted.”
“So am I. Maybe we can try and move on together?”
Two emotionally taken people trying to make a relationship work? “At least we’re on the same page.”
Cub chuckled. “Let me take you home.” He helped her hike into the huge 4x4 truck, shutting the door after her.
Wild Men of Alaska Collection Page 25
