by Nina Levine
I remembered clear as day how Tenille’s bursts of anger went. First, the passionate outburst that she didn’t put much thought into; then a moment of confusion when her brain kicked into gear; and then the softening as she came around and realised there might be more to the argument than she first saw.
Pushing a flyaway strand of hair out of her eyes, I said, “I don’t get women to do what I want these days, Tee.”
She stilled and her breathing slowed. Understanding dawned on her face, and her mouth fell open. Lastly, a frown wrinkled her forehead. “You’re not with anyone?”
I shook my head. “No.”
Confusion riddled her face. “But you have been, right? Like, I can’t imagine you not being with a woman since you left me.”
I scrubbed my hand over my face. This was not what I came here to discuss. “Out of everything we could be talking about right now, you want to discuss my sex life?”
The confusion on her face gave way to the shitty look she’d given me earlier. And the hand that landed on her hip told me I’d said the wrong fucking thing. Story of my life with Tenille. She blew hot and cold as easily as she breathed. “Do you know how it makes me feel knowing that you walked away from me and faked your own fucking death? Besides being upset and angry that you could do that to your wife and your child, it makes me, as a woman, feel like shit. Like I wasn’t good enough for you. So yeah, I want to discuss your sex life, because I’m kind of wondering whether you found better out there. Whether you found what you were looking for.” She worked herself up into such a state that her breaths came out unevenly as she tried to swallow her hurt. There was no hiding it, though—I’d wounded her horribly.
I stared at her, my mind splintering with a hundred different thoughts as I took in everything she said. It had never occurred to me that she would assume I left because she wasn’t good enough. That I was looking for some tits and ass somewhere else.
Fuck.
Reaching for her, I said, “Tee, me leaving had nothing to do with not being happy with you or looking to get laid elsewhere.”
She shrugged away from me. Wrapping her arms around her body, she said, “Why else would you leave? It doesn’t make any sense.”
I’d known this question would need to be answered when I decided to come back, but I still wasn’t sure how much information to share with her. The need to make her understand clashed with my commitment to keeping her and Charlie safe, leaving me with a tough decision. On top of that, I’d sheltered Tenille from the harsh truth of working for Shane Gibson all those years ago. As far as she knew, he was simply the father of our old schoolmate, and a nice guy who cared enough to give me a job when I’d needed one. He was also the man who looked out for her when her husband died and gave her second husband a job when he needed one. She didn’t know that he’d happily put a bullet in a man as naturally as he’d hold a newborn baby.
“I got tied up in some bad stuff at work. The cops started investigating, and Shane told me to get out of town to save us all going down. He was the one who organised the fire at our house—”
“Bullshit.” She cut me off. “Shane would never do that.” The fierce way she defended him was like a knife twisting in my chest. The motherfucker had clearly won her over while helping her pick up the pieces of her life.
“It’s not bullshit. You don’t know half the truth about Shane.”
“I know more than you think I do, Aiden. Remember, it’s been a long time since you left. A lot has happened in that time, and Shane has been a good friend to me.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. Something she said, or the way she said it, triggered a warning deep in my gut. “What did he tell you after I left?” I kept a firm grip on my temper while waiting for her answer, but I was dangerously close to losing it. Not at her, but at the situation that Gibson had put me in.
“About what?”
My shoulders tensed as I took a long, calming breath. It didn’t do much good, though. “About me, Tee. What the fuck did he tell you about me?”
She blinked a couple of times at my raised voice. “Don’t yell at me!” At my silence that smacked of anything but pleased, she added, “Nothing. He didn’t tell me anything about you. All I know is that he misses you. Still to this day, he goes on benders when he thinks about you and Brad too much.”
Stunned, I tried to process that. Brad was Shane’s son and had been my best mate in high school. He’d died in a freak accident just before Charlotte was born. I could believe that Gibson still mourned his son’s death, but what I could never believe was that he still cared for me. Not after what he’d done to me all those years ago.
“So you’re close to Gibson?” Sully’s information over the years painted a picture of Gibson helping her out, but I wasn’t sure just how close he’d become to my family. It wouldn’t have surprised me if he’d stayed near to keep an eye out for my return.
She didn’t answer me straight away, just kept her eyes firmly on mine while she stayed silent. Finally, she blinked and glanced at her feet briefly before looking back up at me and nodding. “Yeah, kind of.”
Something felt off here. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but Tenille seemed to be acting strangely. She was hiding something from me. I guessed, though, that she had no reason to trust me these days. I’d have to rebuild that. However, in the meantime, I needed answers, and I also needed to make sure she understood a few things about the situation we were in.
“I’m telling you the truth, Tee, but I get it if you can’t trust me on that for now. All I ask is that you don’t tell Shane I’m back.”
“Stop calling me that!” She rummaged in her bag for a moment, pulled her keys out, and added, “I’m going home now. To my husband. I don’t want to see you again, and as far as keeping secrets from Shane Gibson, I’m not sure that’s even possible. He’s the kind of man who seems to know everything that’s going on.”
The displeasure written all over her face, coupled with the wariness flashing in her eyes and the bite in her words, hurt more than I ever thought it would. Where was the girl I’d loved more than anyone before or after her? I’d at least assumed she’d still be in there somewhere, giving me a sliver of an opportunity to show her the truth of the situation.
I reached for her, curling my hand tightly around her forearm. As our skin connected, a spark blazed through me, jolting long-forgotten memories to the surface. Or maybe they were buried in an effort to move on. Her eyes sliced to mine. I ignored the warning in them, in much the same way I’d done many times during our relationship. It was what Tenille and I were good at—ignoring signals and pushing our way in or out of situations. It didn’t always work in our favour, but that never stopped me from trying.
“Do you remember the day we were married? I promised you forever that day, and you cried as you promised me the same. It was the first time I ever saw you cry, and it made me understand how deep you were in with me, because getting you to that point had taken me some hard fucking work, and I hadn’t always been sure you really wanted to marry me.” I paused for a moment, searching her face to make sure she was still with me. She was. In fact, she held her breath while she took in everything I said. “I fucked up our forever, Tenille. I’m sorry for that. But I’ll be damned if I’ll sit back and watch any more of your life get screwed over. When I tell you that Gibson isn’t who he shows to the world, I need you to remember the trust you used to have in me and trust what I’m saying now, too. I need you to know that even though you and I don’t have a forever anymore, I never stopped loving you. And anything I’m trying to do now to help you is because of that. Dig deep, Tee, and think back to who I used to be before I left. For you, I’m still that person.”
I laid myself out in a way I hadn’t had to in over a decade, hoping like hell that she’d respond and give me an inch.
But she didn’t.
Reefing her arm out of my hold, she shook her head like a mad woman. “You took all my trust, Aiden, and threw it in my face. And it ma
kes me question everything about you and who you were before you walked away. You knew everything about me and all the shit I’d been through, so I feel like if you really loved me like you say you did, you would never have left me alone to raise Charlotte and deal with shit on my own.” She drew a long breath as her fight faded. Staring at me with eyes that revealed her turmoil, she added, “Just leave again. We don’t need you here.”
No fucking way was I backing down. She’d just have to find a way to deal with me being around.
“No, you do need me here, Tenille. I’ve had a guy keeping an eye on you and Charlie since I left—”
She frowned as her fight flared up again. “What the fuck? Like a stalker watching over us?”
I kept my own fight in check. I’d forgotten just how argumentative my wife could be. Sometimes, it had been like going to war every day with her irrational thoughts and emotions that she flung at me. “No, like a private investigator who made sure you guys were okay. He checked in with me regularly, letting me know how you both were.”
“Jesus, Aiden, that’s a little extreme, don’t you think?”
“Clearly not, if the shit you and Craig are in at the moment is anything to go by.”
She straightened, pushing her shoulders back. I remembered this move—it was what she did when she tried to appear confident. What it told me, though, was that whatever came out of her mouth next would be a lie. “If you’re talking about the fights we’ve been having, they’re nothing. We love each other and are working things out.”
I narrowed my eyes at her. “I’m talking about that, along with your drinking, Charlie’s school grades going down, and the money missing from your bank account. Are you working all that out, too?” My last words came out a little too harshly, but fuck, this wasn’t shit to be avoided.
She stilled. “Your PI is a nosy bastard. None of those things are your business.”
“I would argue with that. They are all my business because you and Charlie are my business, and I plan to get to the bottom of every single one of them. With or without your help.”
Silence for a beat. And then—“You know what would have been nice? If you’d been this intent on getting to the bottom of shit fourteen years ago when you and I were having problems. When you tell me to think back to who you were then, and to know you’re that same man for me now, it doesn’t mean much, because back then all you focused on was working. You were hardly home, and when you were, you and I spent most of that time arguing.” She jabbed a finger against my chest. “So don’t come back here now and tell me you know all about my marriage to Craig and the shit my family is in, and that you’re going to fix it, when you couldn’t even fix your own shit years ago.” She turned to get in her car, leaving me staring after her with no comeback.
She was right. I hadn’t been there for her when she’d needed me. I’d been so fucking focused on providing for our family that I’d ended up neglecting them. And as the weeks and months passed, and the small wounds between us had turned to gaping ones that I didn’t even know how to begin to fix, it just became easier to fight with her or to retreat completely. At the end, we’d both been like casualties of war who stared at each other through vacant eyes, hurling words intended to hurt the other because that felt like the only way to allow the pain out.
The guilt I carried over that and over leaving them never eased up. It was like a hammer chipping away at me all the fucking time. I was certain that the only way I’d ever get rid of it was to make things right with Tenille again. We couldn’t go back, but we could sure as fuck go forward. But only if I could convince her to let me in.
Chapter 4
Hyde
Four hours after seeing Tenille in the car park outside her work, I made my way up the path towards the front door of her house. This wasn’t the home we’d lived in. I hadn’t seen the inside of it yet, but if the outside was anything to go by, this house was much nicer than the one we’d rented. The well-maintained garden with colour everywhere was only the first clue. The recently painted wood was another. On top of that, the neighbourhood was respectable. I’d been relieved when Sully had told me Tenille had chosen to raise our daughter here. I may not have been around to help her do that, but at least the money I’d left her ensured she could afford to give Charlie a good start in life.
As my boot landed on Tenille’s front porch, I slowed and took a moment to get my head together. Not something I was used to doing. My usual method for getting what I wanted was to charge in and do whatever it took, regardless of the consequences, because they meant very little to me. But in this situation, the consequences were everything. They would never be anything less than that when they involved my daughter.
Taking a deep breath, I knocked on the door and waited. Raised voices coming from inside told me that Tenille and Craig were most likely arguing again. The way Craig ripped open the front door a couple of minutes later, confirmed that.
He scowled as our eyes met. “What the fuck are you doing back here? I thought we made it clear last night that you aren’t welcome.”
Not waiting for an invitation, I forced my way into their home. “I obviously didn’t make it clear enough that I don’t give a fuck.”
I didn’t wait for his reply. Instead, I walked the length of the hallway until I found Tenille in their kitchen. The smell of roast filled my nostrils in much the same way the homely feel of their house filled every cold part of me. Family photos, plants, warm light, books, the television running in the background, a cat that rubbed up against my legs, and Tenille chopping potatoes in the kitchen—it was all there.
She’d done it.
Tenille had created the family we always wanted.
I’d always known it, but now I fucking felt it.
The ache in my chest came out of nowhere as I watched her. Really, it was so much more than an ache, but that was all I would acknowledge it as. I’d spent years figuring out ways to avoid this kind of pain; I wasn’t going to let it in now. I just needed to get through this conversation and then I’d drown that fucking pain at the nearest pub.
Tenille stopped chopping and placed her knife down. “You just don’t give up, do you?”
Before I could answer, Craig stormed into the kitchen. He’d been yelling at me as I walked down the hall, but I’d shut him out. “Motherfucker! You can’t fucking come into our house and—”
“Craig,” Tenille hissed. “Charlotte can hear everything you’re saying.”
I faced him, doing my best to ignore the way my chest tightened knowing that my daughter was so close. I hadn’t been sure if she’d be home. Figured she might have been out with friends or at the ice skating rink where I knew she spent a lot of time.
Fury riddled his body, and I wondered how close he was to punching me again. “You need to get used to the idea that I’m back in Tenille’s life now. And Charlie’s.”
His nostrils flared. “Tenille told me you cornered her after work today. And that you want to play Good fucking Samaritan and fix our problems. We don’t need you, Aiden. We’re already working on our own shit.”
“I’m here for a lot fucking more than that.”
Tenille’s sharp intake of breath filled the room. “I knew it. You want Charlie.”
Fear laced her words, and that fear sliced into my heart. I never wanted her to fear me. Fuck, me being back was supposed to do the opposite.
My gaze found hers. “I’m not here to take Charlie, Tee. But she is mine, and I would like to get to know her.”
She paled. “Do you realise the impact that might have on her, Aiden? She thinks you’re dead. All these years, you’ve let her think that. And now you want to come back, when she’s sixteen and already going through so much shit in her life with school and friends. She doesn’t need you to add to the stress she’s already under.” Her voice trembled as her anxiety increased.
I moved closer to her, surprised that Craig hadn’t. His wife was visibly upset, but he made no move to console her. “W
e can go slowly. I don’t expect to just come back and to suddenly be deep in your lives. She and I can find our way to each other over time.”
Her eyes narrowed at me. “Have you had anything to do with teenage girls in the last fourteen years?”
I frowned, not understanding where she was going with this. “No.”
Shaking her head, she muttered, “Fuck, I didn’t think so. Let me tell you, sixteen-year-old girls are a handful. And while they slap on a mask for the world, underneath that bullshit they’re vulnerable and sensitive. This kind of news will confuse the hell out of Charlie, and I don’t want to put her through that at the moment.”
“So when do you propose, Tee?” My question was genuine, but I couldn’t hide my impatience.
“Never!”
Craig finally manned up and stepped around me to pull Tenille into his arms. In a hushed voice, he said, “Can we at least agree to make a time to meet to discuss this? I don’t want Charlie to come out and meet you without us preparing her first.”
His use of Charlie grated again, but I bit my tongue in order to keep the peace. “Agreed.”
Craig and I may have come to an agreement, however forced, but Tenille didn’t appear to want any part of it. “I’ll meet you to discuss this, but I’m not promising anything will happen soon. I want to make sure Charlie is more settled at school before we do this. She’s been having problems so far this year.”
Charlie had just started her second last year of high school. It was an important year, so it concerned me to hear she was experiencing difficulties. “Okay, we’ll meet tomorrow and talk more about this. The last thing I want is to cause more issues. You’ll guide me on this.”
Her eyes widened at my acceptance of what she said. When they softened a little, I knew I’d made the right step. “Thank you.”
