“Not everybody,” Vincent said and I remembered he still stood there.
“I can’t believe this,” I said mostly to myself.
“Seems like maybe he realized it was a mistake to leave you,” Vincent said and his strong gaze held mine.
Not quite, but it was nice of him to think that.
“Thank you for bringing them to me,” I said.
“Good luck, Roxanne,” Vincent said.
“Roxy. Please.” I smiled.
“I hope everything works out, Roxy,” he added with a demure smile. He started to walk away.
“Wait, Vincent. Are you coming back to Green Valley?”
“Maybe.” He shrugged one shoulder. “For the right reasons.”
He gave me a wave and walked away.
I stared down at the letters. With shaking hands, I brought them back to my new office. I wasn’t sure what this meant. What could it mean? All I knew was that Sanders hadn’t been ignoring me at all.
The letters weren’t what I expected. They were updates, casual conversations about what was happening in Sanders’ life. Though it was nice just to hear from him, I wasn’t sure how to reply, if at all. He had been mailing them for weeks at this point without my response, I doubted he expected any.
I needed to talk to somebody. I needed to clear the air with Gretchen. The longer the time passed between us, the more excuses I made. And I knew they were just that. But as I tried to think of the perfect way to broach the hard conversation with Gretchen, the universe decided to step in.
One text from Kim and I was moved to action. I was at Gretchen’s apartment above Stripped within minutes.
“Did you see that bullshit?” I said as way of greeting when Gretchen opened the door.
Gretchen’s eyes widened for a fraction before her face slid into neutral. “Come on in. Suzie’s already here.”
“She must know it’s not right if she’s texting us,” I said as I walked into the room.
I dropped my coat on the side of the chair as I entered the living room where Suzie sat. She looked up at my proclamation.
“I agree. Something’s as wrong as a feathered armadillo,” Suzie said. “We should have tried harder to convince her to stay.”
“You know us. An SWS member won’t change her mind until she is ready to,” Gretchen said pointedly.
I let out a sigh, fidgeting with my bangs.
“I’ve fucked up. I know I’ve been a bad SWS member and I’m really sorry. But we need to help Kim,” I said. “I’m not here because of me.”
They seemed to accept this before looking back at their phones. Kim had sent a text to the SWS group chat. It was a picture of a pill that was definitely not a placebo or an herbal supplement.
“I’m googling,” Suzie said from the corner scrolling on her phone furiously.
“I knew it was a bad idea when she agreed to do this tour with Roddy. She never seemed excited,” Gretchen said.
“That Instagram account is like watching a stranger. That’s nobody we know,” I said. My words weren’t an outright agreement with Gretchen but hopefully she’d take it as a small white flag. Recently she’d accepted to go on tour playing her cello with her sort of ex-boyfriend, now business manager, Roderick Chagny. None of us had a good feeling about him but wanted her to be happy.
Gretchen looked up at me and nodded. “I didn’t know you were paying attention.”
“I was upset and needed space. I didn’t stop being a friend,” I said.
Gretchen raised her eyebrow in disagreement.
“Blithe texted about the drug too,” Suzie said, reading her phone. I wanted to ask where she was, but I didn’t feel like I had the right to.
I’d forgotten my phone at home, I’d left so fast. “Tell Kim to ‘stay the fuck away from those pills!’” I said.
Gretchen, who’d been texting furiously, nodded and I heard the swoop of another text being sent.
“She’s not responding.” Suzie chewed her lip.
I glanced at the microwave clock in the kitchen. “She’s probably on stage.”
“You don’t just text someone something like that and go MIA,” Suzie said.
“Just like you don’t fall off the map and stop seeing your friends,” Gretchen said with no shortage of salt.
Okay, so we were doing this now.
“I need to go lock up the studio. I’ll be right back,” Suzie said before leaving Gretchen and me to a long overdue “come to Jesus” chat.
Sitting at the kitchen counter alone with Gretch’s animosity, I was more nervous than I thought I would be. I had so much anger for so long about the night at the drive-in and then after everything with Sanders it all morphed into regret. But pride was a dangerous thing and I wasn’t the only one who needed to apologize.
“You can’t just stop talking to people. That’s not okay,” Gretchen finally said.
“I needed time to think. I’m not like you. You refuse to understand that people handle things differently,” I snapped, her words putting me on the defensive.
“That’s not true.” Her arms were tight around her crop top.
“It is.”
“Then why are you here? If I’m such a terrible friend, why not just stay away?” Red traveled up her neck.
“Gretch. You’re not a terrible friend. That’s not what I’m saying … I didn’t mean to start on this foot. With us both getting worked up,” I said.
She threw out her arms but I could see through her bluster. Her hands shook and it cracked my proud shell. “We’ve been friends for most of our lives. When you shut me out, it felt like my family abandoned me,” she admitted.
That cut me to the quick. I knew some of Gretchen’s pain. I knew what it must have cost her to admit that. “I know. I’m sorry. I felt bombarded. I was so mad at you and confused about what I wanted,” I explained.
She sighed. “We probably both could have talked more that night. When I care about someone, I know that I can be a little …”
“Controlling,” I finished.
“I was going to say overly concerned. But I’ve missed you, Roxy. I have wanted to call you a hundred times.”
We couldn’t quite look at each other, the stubborn-ass women that we were. “I’ve missed you too. You’ve always been there for me over the years.”
“You have too. Even if you don’t admit it,” she said.
I shrugged. “You’re a great friend. I’m just asking you to understand that people need to do things their own way sometimes.”
“I just know what’s best,” she said, her voice high and innocent.
“Gretch.” I looked at her.
“I was right though, wasn’t I? You and Sanders clearly had a connection.”
I sighed. “You’re missing the point.”
She straightened her spine and then relaxed. “Do you really think I’m so nosey because I don’t want to deal with my own shit?”
“Sometimes,” I said honestly. “But I know you’re also one of the most caring, fiercest, loyal, and loving women there is. I’m honored to be a person that you give all that to. You’d do anything for the people you care about.”
She didn’t say anything but her chin wobbled.
“The crazy part is, I’d been doing all this for you,” I said.
“What do you mean?” she frowned.
“I’ve worked so hard to show you that I was worth saving.”
“Worth saving? What’re you talking about?”
I gave her a look. It was the night we never talked about.
Realization set in and her mouth fell open before she said, “You saved my life that night at the Dragon Bar. I was set on murder.” She sounded genuinely baffled. “You got me out of there.” Her words were high and tight.
“You got me out,” I said, shaking my head, disbelieving her point of view on that night.
“We saved each other,” she said with a firm nod.
She was right. I’d spent so long feeling like a burden b
ut the saving went both ways. The truth settled in and made me feel warm and valued. I let out a breath and nodded in return. “You’re right. We did.”
“But listen, that doesn’t mean that you have to be somebody you aren’t. It doesn’t mean that you constantly have to prove yourself worthy of love. You exist and therefore are worthy of being loved.”
“Sanders said something along those lines.” My heart squeezed in my chest thinking of him. Two of the most important people in my life felt the same way when I couldn’t see it myself. That’s what loved ones do; they love you when you can’t love yourself.
Gretchen’s gaze drifted; she was putting pieces together. “I thought you and him could just hook up and have fun. I didn’t know how deep your feelings went. You didn’t tell me.”
“He got under my skin that first night in Denver. I was shook up.”
“It’s not a bad thing to meet someone like that.”
“And then what? He’d be here and I’d be consumed by him. I’d lose myself to him. I’d lose you.”
She smacked me upside my head. “Ow,” I winced.
“No you wouldn’t, you doofus. You think I’d let that happen?” She shook her head like I’d just insulted her outfit. “Real Love is complicated. You don’t get lost in someone, you help each other find who they’re meant to be.”
I studied Gretch’s retro Formica table. Sanders and I had done that. We’d known how to push each other.
“I just didn’t want you to think I didn’t appreciate what you did for me. Getting me the job at the Lodge and—”
“Hold up. I didn’t get you that job.”
I rolled my eyes. “Well, I mean, I know I interviewed and stuff but I wouldn’t have even gotten that if you didn’t somehow get me that recommendation.”
She shook her head, placing a hand on my shoulder to look at her. “No. Listen. I didn’t get you the interview at the Lodge. Diane Donner and I weren’t friends. Why would she listen to me?”
“You didn’t get Bethany Winston to email her?”
Now she looked at me like I set fire to her whole wardrobe. “No.”
“The links to the community college night classes? None of that was you?”
She shook her head. I stared into space trying to wrap my mind around all this new information. All these years I just assumed it was Gretchen and her meddling that got me into the Lodge. But if not her …
“Even if I had, you still would’ve had to prove yourself,” she reminded me. “I just want you to be happy. That’s why I push. You seemed stuck. You wear those suits and work so damn hard. Is that what you want?”
“I do like my job. I like working hard. I like being part of something bigger. I don’t love the suits,” I joked. Turning serious, I added, “I don’t want you to regret what happened that night.”
“I’ll only regret it if you don’t live the life that makes you happy.”
The revelations were coming so fast, I couldn’t process. I spoke the first thing that came to my mind. “If I don’t do anything for you, why do you even want me around?”
“Because you’re my friend and I love you. Oh my God, do you not understand that? Do you think that love is determined by what you can do for people? You’re worthy of love all on your own.”
“Thank you.” Emotion stung my eyes. It was like a huge knot in my chest finally started to unravel. All these weeks apart. I missed her so much. Friendship like any relationship took time and dedication. I wouldn’t lose her again. I wouldn’t shut her out because I was scared. I took a deep breath. “I love you, Gretchen.”
If Sanders could say it so easily to Skip, I could say it to her.
“And I love you, Roxy. Nothing will change that. Unless you stop talking to me. I can’t stand that shit.”
“Deal,” I said.
“I’m pouring shots. The SWS is getting too fucking soft. These men infiltrating are making us weak and confused.”
I rolled my eyes at her but happily accepted the booze. As we drank, I explained everything that happened with Sanders including his absence these last weeks until Vincent had given me the letters.
“Letters? Lame,” she said.
“Well. To be fair. They’re very sweet. It feels very old school.”
“Like pagers?”
“No like ink pots and quill pens.”
“Again, I say, lame,” she said with a teasing lightness.
My smile melted as I sighed. “He just shares what he’s been up to. His father’s funeral. What’s going on with him and Skip.”
“Aww, how is Skip?” she asked.
“Good I think. He’s actually here in Green Valley, we’re gonna meet up for a drink.”
“Why’s he in Green Valley again?”
I frowned in thought. “I assumed it was for work but I’m not exactly sure.”
“Hmm. Interesting. You know that night at the bar I could have sworn …”
“Gretchen. No. Down, girl. Let him figure it out,” I said.
“Ugh. Fine. This is going to be hard.”
“Time for you to maybe—” I started.
“I’m just gonna stop you right there.” She held up a hand. “I’m good as I am. Okay, sorry I interrupted. You were saying about the letters. Tell me there are at least thinly veiled hints to sex.”
“No. Not at all.” I shook my head. “They’re sweet but left me feeling like I wanted more, I guess. It’s weird. When we met that first night in Denver … I wouldn’t have expected all these months to pass only to be getting letters as a friend. It’s like we’re going in reverse.”
“Nothing worth having is easy. It’s a cliché for a reason. Look at what Kim and masked boy are going through. Look at the hoops Suzie and Ford jumped through. Love is a fucking mess.”
“Yeah,” I said sadly.
“We have to stick together,” she said.
“I agree. I don’t want you out of my life again.” I grabbed her hand and squeezed.
She squeezed my hand back. “No ex left behind.”
“Damn straight,” I said and leaned in for a hug. God, I had missed her. It was like I could relax my shoulders after months of having them up to my ears.
When we pulled apart, she wiped at her face quickly and I pretended not to notice.
“Sanders has got to work through some things,” she explained. “If I had known he’d be so emotionally unavailable, I would have never tried to set you up. Do you miss him?” she asked without judgment.
I chewed my lip. My throat was too tight to talk. I nodded.
“Such an idiot,” she repeated.
I shrugged. “I agree.” Then I cleared my throat because I was an idiot too. “What’re we going to do about Kim?”
“I’ll call Suzie back up. I have a plan.”
“Of course you do,” I said.
“We’ll talk to her when she gets back, but whatever it is she needs, we’ll be there for her.”
I nodded. I missed this. This devotion to friendship.
“She needs to decide for herself,” Gretchen said. “No more controlling. When she’s ready for us, we’ll be there.”
I grabbed her hand and squeezed. “Good plan.”
“But also, I might have to take a bat to that dipshit Roddy’s precious car.”
Chapter 27
Sanders
I hadn’t expected to return to Green Valley until I had a plan. I sure as hell hadn’t expected to be back at a hospital so soon. The smell of disinfectant made my stomach sour. The squeak of shoes in the halls brought me back to those final moments with my father. My skin itched to leave, my palms sweated. But I was done making decisions for me. Or rather, I was done making decisions based on fear. I took a breath and pushed into the hospital room.
My throat tightened at the sight of him. His leg was in a cast, rigged to balance a foot off his bed using some sort of medieval-looking device. His color was not great and his beard and hair were more than a little unkempt, even for him.
> My face must have betrayed the pain I felt seeing Skip like this. Seeing him off his feet took me by surprise. He was the one that was strong and steady.
“I’m going to be fine,” Skip said. “You didn’t have to come all the way down here.” He faced the window and didn’t turn to look at me when he spoke.
“Come on, mate,” I spoke softly.
Skip and I had hardly seen each other most of July and August. With September coming to an end, I realized how far we’d grown apart. Once he moved out, I focused on wrapping up any other loose ends with Outside the Box. When we had spoken, it was brief and only about the crumbling business. We didn’t talk about partnering with the Lodge. We didn’t talk about the future of the business in Green Valley at all. I didn’t even know he had come back here until I got the call from Ford of all people to tell me.
I’d fucked up so big I didn’t even know how I was going to salvage our friendship. Or if I could. All this time I had felt like I had to deal with my suffering alone, so I pushed everyone away. Now that I really was alone, I realized that I’d been an idiot.
“Of course, I’m here,” I said.
He glared at me. Finally. I was happy to see the anger. Anger was better than neutrality. Apathy scared me more than hatred.
I pulled the uncomfortable wooden chair next to his bed and sat down. “I hate this. I hate everything I’ve done. I hate seeing you like this,” I said. Emotion made my throat tight. I wouldn’t try to hide it though. I spent enough time pretending to be fine when I was suffering.
“Sucks, doesn’t it?” Skip asked. “Seeing somebody you care about in a hospital bed?”
I held his gaze and nodded. I knew were this was going.
“Imagine seeing it all the time. Imagine seeing the most important person to you in the world, constantly putting themselves in danger, making stupid choices and not giving a shit how it impacted those around them,” he said.
“I know. I’ve been so selfish. I’m sorry. I’ve been talking to a therapist. I know I was putting myself at risk because I—I didn’t want to go out like my father. And losing my mom so suddenly. I guess it messed with me in ways I didn’t even recognize. But I never did it to hurt you.”
The One That I Want (Scorned Women Society Book 3) Page 24
