by Curtis Bunn
“That’s all well and good,” Solomon said. “That’s honorable, like the guy who marries the pregnant girl because she had or is having his baby. I get it. I don’t understand how a thinking person can fool himself into believing a marriage will work when you basically are in it for the wrong reasons. But still it happens; a lot.
“Any woman I ever met who was divorced told me that she was divorced. Why not you? We talked about our lives in the eight years we were apart. You never even mentioned the guy, or marriage.”
“I can’t even explain why I did that, other than the fact that I was embarrassed. I knew better. Literally, about a month into it, I was like, ‘This is such a big mistake.’ I tried, though. And as much as I wanted it to work for Gerald, for him to have a man around, it was totally not right for me.
“I woke up early one morning, around four. I couldn’t take it anymore. There was nothing there. So I woke him up and I told him, ‘Gary, I’m sorry, but this isn’t working for me.’
“He wasn’t even surprised. He could tell long before I said something. I give him credit; he accepted it better than I would have if the positions were reversed. He said, ‘I realized this was coming one day.’ Two days later, he was gone. It wasn’t easy, though; I really did like him and I respected how he was with Gerald, who was so young that he didn’t really notice that he wasn’t living with us anymore.
“Anyway, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about all this. It’s really a part of my life that I wanted to forget. My friends and my family said I did it because I was depressed. We didn’t have a wedding. We went downtown and saw a judge and got it done. It all was very unromantic. No one came. No one supported it.
“When we got divorced, it was like I regained my family and friends. They were still there for me, but they knew I was someplace I shouldn’t have been.”
Try as he might, Solomon knew that had he not vanished on Michele, there wouldn’t have been a need for Gary to try to fill the role of father figure. So, in a sense, he blamed himself for Michele’s decision.
“I respect the fact that he was there for Gerald,” Solomon said. “That says a lot about him. But why was he here this morning?”
“He calls every so often to check on us,” Michele said. “He asked if he could take us to breakfast this morning. I told him that I wasn’t going but that he could take Gerald. They were just getting back when you arrived.”
“So where is he now?” Solomon asked.
“He left. He got mad at me because I didn’t tell him about you, that you were Gerald’s dad,” she said. “Of course, he knew the entire story of us. And I think, even though it’s been four years, that he still held out hope that we could get back together.
“So, finding out about you, well, he just left.”
“Michele, what are you doing here?” Solomon said. “You didn’t tell me about him and you didn’t tell him about me. What’s that about?”
“I don’t know,” she said, and then proceeded to reveal why. “With him, I knew he was still interested in me and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. I—”
“You didn’t want to hurt his feelings?” Solomon jumped in. “What sense does that make? If you are not interested in him—”
“I’m not,” Michele interjected.
“Then don’t you understand that not telling him about me, about us, is unfair to him. I’m not trying to look out for the guy, but the reality is if you were not telling him about me, you were, in essence, telling him that you had no one, that you were available. This is the kind of...crap I’ve dealt with in the past with women.
“You have me, but you still want to keep this other thing at a distance, but not too far. That’s why I became as cold as I did. That’s why I was able to get up that morning and leave you and not look back; I knew something like this would happen.”
“Something like what, Solomon?”
“Something like we’re all good, but there’s this other person lingering in the shadows, this other interest. That’s why I went cold; I don’t have time for the deceit. And when I told you about how many times I was disappointed by women, that was an ideal time to tell me your little secret.
“But you didn’t. All these months later, you continued to communicate with him, obviously, and yet not tell either of us anything.”
The more he talked, the more angry and disappointed he grew. Solomon was on the other end of her decisions; the worst place to be for him.
“So what I am I supposed to think about you, Michele? What other secrets do you have?”
He asked the question but he already knew the answer. She had made him wary of her, with how she reacted to him telling her about his arrest. This latest revelation added to his inner tumult.
“What secrets do you have?” Michele fired back. Playing the victim was not working, so she got on the offense. “You didn’t tell me about your arrest until I forced it out of you.
“And I know you have women who you’ve been seeing. You ain’t been with me every night.”
“Oh, that’s your response to all that has gone down?” Solomon said. “Turn the tables and put it on me? Well, as I said, I could’ve lied about why I was arrested. I didn’t. I didn’t because I thought I could share things with you. You’re the only person I ever told about that and you tripped on me like I’m some abuser.
“And, yeah, I was dating when I ran into you. But I told you that I was dating other women. I didn’t hide it. I may have done you wrong—no, I did do you wrong—but I don’t lie or hold back information. But know this: I saw one of them recently and told her that I was in love with you and that I had a son and that we were done. That’s how you handle situations.”
“Really? How many women were you dating? Who you think you are, some Romeo?” Michele asked. “And what about the others? What have you told them?”
“Listen, Michele,” Solomon said, sitting back down on the couch. His voice was calm. “Don’t take this the wrong way. I told you that I don’t trust women. And the women I dealt with understood the limitations in our relationships, if you want to call them that. I’m telling the other three why they haven’t seen and hardly heard from me in months. At least I was.”
“Three, huh? What’s that mean?” Michele sighed. “So you don’t feel like we’re together anymore so you can do whatever you want?”
“What is it that you want, Michele?” he answered. “Let’s cut out all the back and forth and really talk here. I’m trying right now. Usually, in the past, I would roll out. But I’m trying to do something different here.”
“You jump all over me but never addressed beating Gerald or you smacking a woman. I—”
“I DID address it; right then. What’s wrong with you? You don’t remember that? And I spoke to Gerald and he and I are great. I told him that I don’t want to whip him again, but that as a boy, he probably would get in trouble again. That’s how it is. He was all right with that. So, there is no issue there as it relates to him.”
“Oh, yes it is an issue; I don’t want you hitting him.”
“Well, I’m not going to tell you something untrue. I don’t plan to or even want to beat Gerald. Why would I? But I’m not going to promise you it’s not going to happen again. That’s a part of teaching discipline.”
“We’ll never get past this; or you smacking that woman,” Michele said.
“I see.” Solomon was remarkably calm, considering she had just sealed their fate. “That’s too bad, Michele. I’ve tried; more than I ever have. But these last forty-eight hours have been exhausting. You think you’ll be fine without me because that’s exactly as it is. I’ve been all I could be to you and that’s not enough. So, fine.”
He did not even wait for a response from Michele. He got up off the couch and called for Gerald. He came running out and Solomon hugged him.
“Hey, man, I’m going to leave now.”
“Where you going, Daddy?” he asked.
“Gotta go home and do some things. Want to
go with me?”
Gerald turned to Michele. “Mommy, can I, please?”
“You don’t want to stay here with me?”
“I’m always here with you. Please, can I go?”
“What time will you be back?” she asked.
“Why don’t you pack a bag, Gerald, and spend the night? We can go to the gym and then cook dinner together tonight and watch a movie,” Solomon said. “And I have this golf videogame I play online; I want you to check it out.”
“Okay,” Gerald said, and ran off to his room.
In the three minutes or so it took Gerald to throw his things together, Solomon did not even look at Michele. He stood by the door, playing with his BlackBerry or staring off in another direction.
Michele looked at him and forced herself to not say anything. If he wants to be without me, she thought, then he should be. I don’t want someone who doesn’t want me. In fact, he’s walking out on me again. This time I’m wide awake. Fine. Go.
Gerald came out and Solomon took his bag. “Bye, Mommy.”
“I don’t get a hug?” she asked.
As Gerald headed over to embrace his mom, Solomon headed out the door. And he did not look back.
CHAPTER 22
SENSELESS & SENSIBILITIES
Michele realized that she had a big problem, one she did not know how to solve.
She did not trust her instincts.
In fact, she was not sure if she had any instincts anymore, which ultimately meant she had no trust. And that scared her. She thought, What kind of female is devoid of a woman’s intuition?
She believed Solomon was a keeper six months into their first go-round, but then he vanished. She reluctantly moved on and believed Gary would be the elixir to her problems. A year or so later, they were divorced. And Solomon’s second time around seemingly ended as he walked out the door.
Sensations ran through her body to stop him from leaving, to tell him she really loved him, that she respected how he had embraced fatherhood and that their reconnection meant they were destined to be together. Those were real feelings. But she did not trust that was the right thing to do.
So, Michele kept her mouth shut and let him walk. She was left home alone, with her thoughts, insecurities and uncertainties; not exactly a comforting place. In the past she found clarity in skydiving. But she was unmotivated to use the certificate Solomon got her. She actually was saving it so they could jump together.
“What’s wrong with me?” she asked her cousin, Sonya, whom she called. She had to speak with someone. Sonya had returned from a trip and was in her car near Atlanta’s Hartsfield-Jackson Airport, headed home.
“I don’t know what’s wrong but you’d better figure it out, girl,” Sonya said sharply. It was a different tone from what Michele was used to hearing from her.
“What’s wrong with you?” Michele asked.
“Nothing,” Sonya explained. “Maybe I’m too close to you; I’ve seen what your life was like before Solomon. To me, Solomon has been great. He’s been there for you and for Gerald. He’s great with his son. He’s a gentleman. I don’t get him dating four women at once, but that’s beside the point; sort of. The point is you’re in love with him but too scared to see it through.”
“What? That’s not true. Why would you say that? You act like him smacking a woman and beating Gerald is not a real concern.”
“They can be concerns, but enough for you to not be with him? Come on, cousin,” Sonya said. “Life is too short. And good men are too hard to find.”
“I can’t be worried about finding a good man,” Michele shot back. “That’s not how I’m living my life.”
“Yeah, I saw how you lived your life without a good man and it was a wreck. You married a nice guy you had no chemistry with, Michele. You dated other losers and finally stopped dating altogether. That was a great life, right?”
“How you—” Michele started. But Sonya cut in.
“No, I’m not finished. I also saw how you’ve been the last seven, eight months with Solomon. So don’t tell me it’s not a difference because it is. If you want someone to comfort you and make you feel like you’re doing the right thing, then call someone else. I love you and I can’t let you think that it’s all right to try to control the father on how he disciplines his son. If he was hanging him by his fingernails or pulling his hair out, I could understand. But a whipping? Please. We basically grew up together. You got your butt whipped all the time, bad as you were. So how you gonna act like that’s some act of the devil now?”
Michele was taken aback by her cousin’s words. She didn’t expect she would be so blunt, so hurtful.
“Well, I guess you told me, huh?” Michele said. “I’m sorry, but I look at those two things differently.”
“What two things?” Sonya asked.
“Smacking a woman and beating a child,” she answered. “That’s too much violence.”
“You can’t be serious,” Sonya said. “Girl, I should call your momma. What’s wrong with you? You’ve got to get a grip. Listen, I would never condone a man smacking a woman. It’s plain wrong. But he didn’t have to tell you, Michele. So, the fact that he did admit to something he’s embarrassed about should tell you something other than he’s a potential abuser.
“He lost his temper and smacked her. It is a big deal, but, to me, it’s a bigger deal that he trusted you enough to share that with you. You’re focusing on the wrong thing, Michele. What about the fact that a man who has had all kinds of trouble trusting women trusted you enough to tell something so personal?
“And as for Gerald, here is a man stepping up to raise his son the old school way. Look at this new generation of kids and how out of control many of them are. Almost everything goes back to how you were raised. There are a lot of exceptions. Look at my brother. We were raised together, the same way, but he took a different path of drugs and crime. So, it happens.
“But you whip Gerald into shape now—no pun intended—and maybe he understands discipline and doing the right thing now so he doesn’t go bad as he gets older.”
“You have all the answers, right?” Michele asked. “You’ve been on Solomon’s side from the moment I met him. It’s so transparent. Maybe you should be with him. Maybe that’s what you really want.”
“You can kiss my ass, Michele,” Sonya said, and hung up.
She was angry that her cousin’s mind was so messed up she would go there on her. Sonya also was concerned because Michele had always been levelheaded and rational.
But this was a different time. Michele was afraid of herself, and it manifested itself in sabotaging her relationship. At least that’s what Solomon surmised.
“That’s what women do,” Solomon said to one of his fraternity brothers, William, who lived in Detroit. Gerald was in Solomon’s driveway playing basketball with some neighbors, giving Solomon a chance to reach out to some of his friends.
“I’ve seen it so many times when a woman can’t believe or even think she deserves the happiness she has, so she consciously or otherwise gets in the way of it,” Solomon went on. “It’s like ‘this is too good to be true so I’m gonna create some drama to test it.’ So, in the end, they end up sabotaging their own good thing.”
“Yeah, I’ve experienced that, too,” William said. “What we’ve got to understand, as men, is that most women need drama in the relationship. They need it for the same reason you just said: They need to test it. Every few months or so my girl says, ‘Let’s have a relationship check.’ And I’m like, ‘Why?’
“Everything would be going great. No real arguments, no nothing. Everything’s fine. Then the ‘relationship check’ comes and we end up arguing. How stupid is that? Can we just live our lives without all the constant evaluations of everything we do or say—and even shit we don’t do. It drives me crazy.”
“Right,” Solomon said. “It’s that or I used to get all the time: ‘So, what are we doing? What do I call this? Are we in a relationship? Am I your woman o
r just somebody you see from time-to-time?’ And I’m like, ‘Well, I’m not sure we have to put a label on it, do we? I mean, we’ve been getting to know each other and having a great time in the process. Labeling it isn’t going to make it any better, is it?’
“What I really wanted to say was, ‘Listen, we’ve known each other for three months. Next week I might not even like your ass, so let’s ride this out and see what happens. Relationship? Just be glad I’m making time to see you.’ “
They shared a long laugh, which made Solomon realize he had not laughed in that way in a few days. And that told him things were not right in his life because he loved to laugh, even at himself.
“So what you gonna do about Michele?” William asked. “You obviously like her; I never heard you talk about a woman as much as you have about her. I know all about her putting off a career as a lawyer to start a catering business, her son, skydiving, everything. So you like her; a lot.
“You’re my boy so I can say this to you: There have not been a lot of times you have really, really been excited about a woman. There have been chicks you’ve liked and chicks you’ve halfway liked. But I’m thinking she’s a keeper because, unless you lied to me, you haven’t been seeing anyone else.”
“No, I didn’t lie about that. That’s true,” Solomon said.
“That says more than a little bit right there, boy.”
“What does it say?” Solomon knew the answer, but he wanted to see if William knew it, too.
“It says you didn’t want to mess it up with Michele,” he answered. “It says she’s important to you. And here’s the deep part: You gave out that signal before you learned you had a son with her.
“I ain’t no psychic or psychologist, but I recognize when a man who keeps women at arm’s length suddenly has one wrapped in his arms; that means a whole lot.”
All that feedback did nothing to influence Solomon or Michele to reverse their course. Rather, their stubbornness resulted in each of them experiencing loneliness and frustration and regret.
