[Measure of Devotion 02.0] Measure of Strength

by Caethes Faron

  His body protested the movement as he rose and picked up his pants. There was a pocket on the right side, behind the fabric Kale had worn thin with his fidgeting. He fished out its contents, discarded the pants, and went back to bed. When he was situated, he opened his fist to reveal a lock of brown hair. Kale twirled it in his hands and then lifted it to his nose. It still smelled of him after all these years. Common sense told Kale it had to be his imagination, but any time he smelled it, the scent of Jason consumed him. The dream Jason—the one Kale could handle—comforted him. The real Jason was a different matter, and Kale was still so upset at his master—gods, he still couldn't believe that this man was his master again—that he didn't want to spare him a single thought.

  This little lock of hair, tied with string, had made it with him the last three years. It had been hard to keep it hidden so it wouldn’t be taken, but it had been worth the effort. There were times when the brown lock had been all that stood between him and madness. He couldn’t let it go now. If anything, he needed it now more than ever. How could he face Jason again without the comfort of what they had once been? Inside himself he felt a dark knot of hatred in the pit of his stomach. Kale had resigned himself to his life long ago. He didn’t need to be toyed with to assuage Jason’s guilt, or whatever it was that inspired this turn of events. How much worse would it be when Jason sold him this time? Kale had barely survived the last time. He didn’t know if he could again.

  Somewhere among the beatings and starvation, he had changed. At the root of that change had been a growing hatred of Jason Wadsworth. The man he had loved more than his own life hadn't cared enough about him to make sure he was safe. Jason had just dropped him with a dealer to handle his sale. But that wasn't what really fueled the hatred. The real issue was that Jason had sold him at all. After all they had shared, Jason simply turned his back on him. Kale didn't care that it was his idea, that he’d had to fight Jason to make him accept that it was best to sell him when Renee had demanded it as a condition of marriage. That was irrelevant now. Jason had done it. When Kale had told Jason that he never loved him, Jason had believed Kale's blasphemous lie as if they had never been more to each other than master and slave. Kale's lies had stemmed from his love for Jason. Jason's betrayal stemmed from selfishness, and Kale couldn't forgive it.

  Clutching the hair in his fist, the memento tempered his anger. These weren’t thoughts he should give energy to; there was nothing he could do about them. He needed to rest up to face whatever would come when he woke. Putting his hand under the pillow where it would be safe from prying eyes, Kale breathed out as his eyelids lowered, willing the darkness inside to recede.

  Chapter Fifteen

  “The slave is awake, sir.”

  Jason was staring at the back garden, thinking about nothing and everything. “Kale.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  Jason turned from the window to Martin. “No, I wasn’t asking for confirmation, Martin. Did you think I thought you meant one of the other slaves in this house? I meant, ‘Kale is awake, sir.’ You can call him by his name.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Martin, this is a lonely house by design. I’ve shut out the world and only granted you and Sophie entrance. I did that to myself, but I don’t want Kale to suffer for it. He’s always been a social creature. Try to befriend him. He’s a good man, better than any I’ve ever known. Give him a chance, and he’ll surprise you.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  Jason sighed. Martin was just the type of man Jason used to think he wanted to be. He knew that it would be nothing short of a miracle if Martin ever viewed Kale as anything other than a slave. If only the secretary knew he was the one losing out. “Has he eaten?”

  “I saw Sophie taking a tray to his room a moment ago.”

  “Thank you. You’re dismissed.”

  When Martin was gone, Jason slumped in his chair, relief pouring through him. He had been worried when Sophie had reported that Kale was still asleep when she went in with breakfast yesterday morning, and then again with lunch and dinner. When he hadn’t been awake this morning, Jason had vowed to call a doctor if lunchtime yielded the same report. That vow had been made less than two hours ago.

  Jason was antsy to see Kale again, although he didn’t know what he would say or do. He would wait though, and give Kale time to eat. No sense disrupting his breakfast when he had more than a day of eating to make up for. Besides, it wouldn’t hurt Jason to freshen up a little. He’d been drinking last night, and he felt a mess. A comb through his hair, some cold water on his face, and a spritz of cologne would do wonders.

  Half an hour later, he stood outside Kale’s door. Should he knock or just walk in? He didn’t want to barge in on Kale and violate his privacy, but if he knocked, he wouldn’t blame Kale for not answering. If he entered after being refused permission, he would feel like an ass.

  This was silly, damn it. It was his house, and he’d go where he pleased. He rapped his knuckles a few times on the door in preamble and then entered.

  Kale stood in front of the table with his head bowed, the chair behind him askew. “You can look at me, you know.” Jason was surprised to hear the vulnerability in his own voice.

  Kale raised his head, but kept his eyes averted.

  “You know what I mean.”

  Kale’s eyes snapped up, and Jason’s lips parted, drawing in a badly needed breath. Those pale green eyes were just as he remembered, except they were more vivid in the flesh. A dark shadow hovered behind them that was absent in Jason’s imaginings.

  “I never meant for you to end up like this.”

  Silence.

  “I thought with you knowing how to read, and your experience, that you’d be sold to an aristocrat.”

  Still nothing. The man before him could very well be made of stone if it weren’t for the heat of his gaze.

  “Please, Kale. Speak to me.”

  The only movement was the clenching of Kale’s jaw muscles.

  “I know you must be mad at me. I expect it. Say what you like, I deserve it. Just, please, speak to me.” Jason yearned to hear the voice he used to drown in, even if it was raised in anger.

  “What do you want me to say?”

  That was a start. It was something. “Anything you want. I need to know what you’re thinking.”

  “What I’m thinking? No, you don’t want to know that.”

  “Yes, I do. Please, Kale, talk to me.”

  There was a twitch along Kale’s jawline, but nothing came of it.

  “The Kale I knew never shied away from speaking his mind.”

  There was a grunt and a pause. “The Kale you knew doesn’t exist anymore.”

  The softness of Kale’s voice hit Jason. There was an aching truth in Kale’s words that Jason didn’t want to acknowledge. “Yes, he does. He’s standing right before me. I can see your emotions spelled out on your face. You have the same mind. You just need to speak it. Please, tell me what you’re thinking.”

  Kale tensed, as if it took increased effort to hold his tongue.

  “Unless you’re scared, which I completely understand.” It was cheap, but Kale never used to let a jibe at his pride go unanswered. Jason was taking a gamble, hoping a sliver of that pride still existed. If it didn’t, he would be defeated.

  Kale’s tension increased until the pressure erupted out of his mouth. “I think you’re a damn naïve fool, that’s what I think. You thought knowing how to read was going to save me? You think the dealer you sold me to even cared about that? Did you really think that your rich, snooty friends would go to the likes of him to buy their valets? The truth is you didn’t give a shit what happened to me as long as I wasn’t your problem anymore.”

  “That’s not true.” Jason felt like he had been punched in the gut. Any delight in convincing Kale to speak vanished. Kale had never lost his composure like this. He had always been the calm voice of reason. To see him so impassioned, especially after viewing him as a broken man a coup
le days ago, was a shock.

  “You didn’t even bother to see who I was sold to. And now you come traipsing back into my life? I hate you. I hate that you keep toying with me. Why can’t you let me be? I’d rather be shoveling ore right now. At least there I knew what was expected of me. I knew that I was a dead man, and I made peace with it. How much more difficult is it going to be now, when you get tired of this little game and shove me aside again?”

  “I won’t let you go back there. You’re not a dead man, Kale. Everything is going to be all right.”

  “Like it is now? Where’s your wife? Your kids? I gave up everything for you, and you still couldn’t be happy.”

  “Selling you wasn’t about making me happy. It was about getting you away from your rapist.”

  “So you thought a death sentence was better?”

  “What?” Jason was taken aback.

  “Did you see any gray hairs on my crew? No one lasts long.”

  Is that really what Kale’s life had been like? True, Jason had never seen an old man on the floor, but he hadn’t thought about it. How many nights had Kale stayed awake wondering how much longer he had left to live? Did Kale know what his future held when he pushed to be sold? Jason’s breakfast stirred in his stomach.

  “I’m sorry, Kale. I didn’t know.”

  “Damn right you didn’t know, and you didn’t care.”

  “I do care.” How could Jason convince Kale?

  “All you’ve ever cared about is yourself. All you wanted was to be rich and popular. Well, how does it feel?”

  Jason couldn’t say anything. The vitriol in the voice he had so loved tore him to shreds.

  “Now that your life didn’t turn out the way you wanted, you thought you’d come mess with mine. You couldn’t make it work with Renee, so now you’re going to try to make it work with me. And when it doesn’t, I’ll be thrown in the gutter again. No more soft bed, no more good food, and it won’t mean anything to you.”

  “You’re wrong, Kale. I didn’t bring you here to try to have a relationship with you. I brought you here to make things right. That’s all. I swear.”

  Kale’s beautiful face twisted in a sneer. “No, you didn’t. You may think you did, but I know you. I know the way you work. You’re carrying around some romantic notion that if only you can make things right, you can be with me the way you wanted to before. You think if you do this, you can be happy.”

  “No, Kale. Happiness is something I know I can never have again.” Jason’s resigned voice appeared to bring Kale up short. Instead of continuing his ranting, he gazed back at Jason, perfectly still.

  Everything about Kale called to him. Even in the midst of Kale’s anger, Jason wanted to be with him. If given the opportunity, he would suffer any penance, make any restitution, to earn his forgiveness. In the face of all this bitterness, Jason still loved Kale. However, he knew this time that the only way for him to give voice to his love was to leave Kale alone and let him heal and find peace without intrusion.

  “I know it does nothing to fix the past, but I am sorry. All these years I thought the one thing I did right in this whole affair was to get you out. Now I see how wrong I was. It looks like it’s just one more thing to add to my long list of sins. You won’t have to worry about me making advances toward you while you’re here. I’m under no illusions about our relationship this time. But I do want to make it up to you, to try to set things right. You have free rein of the house. Rest and eat as much as you like of whatever you like. If there’s something you want and we don’t have it, ask Sophie to get it, or have her give you some money so you can go to the market. Please, try to be happy.”

  Facing Jason was the man he had loved, the man he still loved. But all that stared back at him was hatred and pain. It was unbearable. “I have no doubt you’ll fit in well with Sophie and Martin. You were always good with people.”

  “Time changes a man.”

  “Not in as many ways as you’d think.” As much as he loathed himself for what he’d done to Kale three years ago, Jason still wanted him. He had been kidding himself when he thought he could move Kale to the back of his mind and move on. He thought he had been managing it well. Whenever the memory of Kale assaulted him, he simply drowned it. Perhaps Jason secretly wished he’d drown as well.

  “I won’t bother you in your room again. It’s yours, and I shouldn’t have come in here. Have a nice day.” Jason closed the door behind him and cursed himself for ever thinking things could get better.

  Chapter Sixteen

  A warm, spicy scent wafted to Kale’s nose, and before his mind could even register it, a loud and embarrassing growl erupted from his stomach.

  As soon as Jason left, Kale wanted to flee, and the only place he felt he could escape to was the kitchen. The air in his room was thick with his emotional outpouring. He still didn’t know where his outburst had come from, but it had been three years in the making, and it had felt good.

  “You can go anywhere in the house you like; you don’t have to be down here in this heat. I’ll bring your meals to you.” Sophie ladled the source of the tantalizing scent into a bowl.

  “I’m sorry, ma’am. I’ll go.”

  “No, now stop right there. We’re all the way back to ma’am, are we? Come in here and sit down. I just don’t understand why you’d want to be in this heat when you could be upstairs.”

  “It’s not as hot as what I’m used to.” Kale took a seat, and Sophie placed a thick stew in front of him. “Thank you.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  Kale shoveled the stew into his mouth. There was a part of his brain that refused to accept that food would be readily available for the foreseeable future.

  “That was delicious.”

  “I’m glad to hear it. There’s always more where it came from. You’ll make yourself sick if you keep eating that fast.” Sophie cleared his bowl away, and Kale sat back, his stomach distended. The ache that resulted from inhaling his food was a welcome change from the ache of hunger.

  “Do you mind if I stay down here?”

  “Not at all, I’m happy for the company.”

  “I’ve always felt safest in the kitchen.”

  “No owners in the kitchen to cause problems, huh?”

  Kale felt his lips twitch in the beginnings of a smile. It had been so long that the muscles felt strange. “That’s about right. How do you know so much about the way slaves think?”

  Sophie grabbed a basket of mending and sat at the table with him, taking up a needle and thread. “I’ve been in service a long time.”

  “You’re not from around here.”

  She looked up from a button she was sewing onto a white shirt. “No, I’m not. How’d you know?”

  Kale shrugged. “You have a slight accent on some words. I’d guess you’re from Naiara.”

  “Yes, I am. I grew up in a little town outside Calea.”

  “How did you end up here?”

  “My father died, and then my mother fell in love with a man from Perdana who was doing some work in Calea. When his work was done and he left, my mother followed him. We were poor, and so I went into service and have been working with slaves since we moved here.”

  “That must be a shock, coming from a country without slavery.”

  Sophie chuckled. “Yes, it was at first. Slaves scared me to begin with. In Naiara, we hear about them, and I grew up thinking they must be different somehow. When I came here, I was surprised to find that they’re just people, like everyone else, just with different problems.” She moved on to darn a sock. “Look at me, sitting here talking about myself. Surely there’s other things you’d be wanting to know about?”

  “Last I remember, the Arlingtons had more money than the gods. Why doesn’t the master hire more help or buy some slaves?”

  “Well, he’s never liked the idea of owning slaves. To be honest, I thought you’d know more about that than me. As for staff, Mr. Wadsworth is adamant that he doesn’t need more h
elp. He never has people over, and it’s just him. He thinks it’s a waste to spend as much money as he does.”

  Kale took note. He didn’t quite understand why Jason would have an aversion to slaves. He certainly didn’t mind working them in his mill. “What is it you want to know? What do you already know?”

  “Like I told you, not much. I’ve heard your name muttered here and there. Didn’t expect for you to turn out to be a slave.”

  “I used to belong to him. When he met Miss Arlington, she wanted me gone before they were engaged, so he sold me.”

  “That doesn’t sound like him. Why sell you for a woman he didn’t even end up staying with?”

  “Well, it’s the truth.” Kale was not willing to delve deeper into the matter. “What’s the story with this Martin fellow?”

  “Oh, he’s Mr. Wadsworth’s secretary. Last name’s Grimlock. He’s big on decorum, so it may take him a while to warm up to you. Don’t worry, though, his bark is worse than his bite. He’s a good man and does the best he can.”

  “How long has he been with the master?”

  “Since Mr. Arlington died.”

  Kale didn’t know what made him ask his next question, but he needed to know. “Does he take good care of him?” It came out as barely more than a whisper.

  Sophie put down her mending and reached across to pat Kale’s hand. He knew she didn’t understand, but her eyes said she would try. “Yes, he does. We both do. He doesn’t make it easy on us, but we both worry about him and take care of him as if he were family.”

  The hand on Kale’s seemed to touch deeper than skin. He didn’t know how he felt about all the recent developments in his life, or about his newfound knowledge about Jason, but for the first time in a long time, he didn’t feel alone.

  “Why don’t you go lay down, Kale?”

  “It’s the middle of the day.”

  “So? Your body is making up for lost time. Go relax, and we can talk more later.”

  In truth, Kale was tired. Only it wasn’t the kind of tired that led him to sleep for more than a day. This was a weariness that went much deeper. Nodding, he stood and dragged himself up the stairs to his room.