[Measure of Devotion 02.0] Measure of Strength

by Caethes Faron

  Sophie’s surprise showed on her face. “That’s nice. I’d thought you’d be happy. That garden needs tending.”

  Kale stopped sharpening and sat down, but retained his hold on the knife and sharpener. He knew if he put them down, his hand would begin to fidget. That damned habit was proving hard to break. “What am I going to do with a garden, Sophie? I feel ruined. I can’t even draw anymore. It was a part of who I was, and now it’s not there anymore, like it just disappeared.”

  “You’ve been through a lot, dear. Give it time. It’ll come back.”

  “But how do you know?” There was no hiding the desperation in his voice.

  “Because I do.” Sophie reached across the table and rested her hand on Kale’s forearm. “Look, I don’t know the details of what happened between you and the master. I haven’t pushed because it’s none of my business, but I think the sooner you work through your issues there, the sooner things will begin to look rosy again.”

  “I don’t know if I can.” It was a whisper. Even talking about letting go of the darkness inside him was difficult.

  “You can. You just have to make the choice that something else is more important than holding onto the past.”

  Was it really that simple? Could he really act like nothing had happened? No. How does someone brush aside that kind of betrayal? Maybe Sophie could, she was always so happy and full of light, or maybe she had never really been hurt. Could a free person even understand what he was going through?

  “Now, as far as that garden’s concerned, I’ve always thought it would be nice to have a vegetable and herb garden. When I was a little girl, we had one, and there’s nothing quite like cooking with ingredients from your very own garden. I just never got around to it. There’s always been other work that’s come first.”

  Sophie’s voice distracted Kale from his thoughts, and he latched on to what she was saying. That’s what he needed for the backyard: a purpose. If he could help Sophie by cultivating the garden, then that would not only give him direction, but it would also give him purpose. He still felt awkward being a slave with no official duties. While he helped out wherever and whenever he was asked or saw an opportunity, this garden could be his project, his way of contributing.

  “Where do I start? I don’t know much about growing.”

  “Talk to Martin; he has all the catalogues. He’ll get everything you need ordered.” Sophie stood and started to pull down the pots she would need to fix dinner. “I think there’s also a book around here somewhere about gardening. If not, have Martin order you one.”

  Kale wished Sophie would just take care of it. He knew she could, but she wanted him to get along better with Martin. It wasn’t that he couldn’t be friendly with the other man, more that he tried to avoid him. Sophie was easy. The small woman was open and welcoming. Martin, on the other hand, was austere and off-putting. Plus, Kale knew Martin didn’t approve of him—a slave being treated so un-slavelike—on principle. Not to mention the fact that Martin was closest to Jason, a position Kale had once occupied.

  So it was with great reluctance that Kale stood in front of Martin’s desk an hour later.

  “What can I do for you, Kale?”

  Don’t fidget. This man has no power over you. “The master gave me use of the back garden.”

  “Yes, I heard. I think it’s a marvelous idea.”

  Kale was taken aback by the genuine smile on Martin’s face. He felt some of his nervous tension melting. “Thank you. I’m glad. The thing is, I don’t know too much about gardening.”

  Martin waved his hand. “Don’t worry about it. You’ll be fine. Besides, it’s not like you can make things worse out there.” Martin stood, began walking out of his office, and gestured for Kale to follow. “We have a couple of books on gardening. Don’t ask me why. That’s one thing Mr. Wadsworth doesn’t skimp on: books. I’ve gathered from him that you know how to read.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “Good, then you’ll find these helpful.” Martin stopped in the library and handed him two books on gardening. One seemed to be composed mainly of pictures, while the other was a dense text. “Now, do you know what you want to plant?”

  “I was thinking vegetables and herbs for Sophie.”

  “Good. I think Mr. Wadsworth would like that very much.”

  “Sophie also said I should talk to you about ordering supplies.”

  “Ah, yes. I’m afraid we don’t have much here. I’ll put in an order for everything you’ll need and have it couriered over. Give me a couple of days to compile a list of supplies.”

  “That’s fine. There’s no hurry. There’s plenty of work to be done before I can even get around to planting anyway.”

  “Excellent. If you think of anything else you want to plant, just let me know and I’ll order it.”

  “Thank you, sir.”

  “You’re welcome, Kale.”

  “And thanks for being so kind to me. I know you don’t approve of my presence here.”

  “It’s not that, Kale.” Martin hesitated. “Maybe a little. I just want Mr. Wadsworth to be happy, and it’s hard for me not knowing how to help him. When he told me about giving you the back garden, I was pleased. It will give you something to do so maybe you won’t feel so awkward. And Mr. Wadsworth spends a lot of time looking out his window over that garden. Maybe seeing it tended to will cheer him up some.”

  * * *

  Kale spent much of the next two days outside, clearing away the overgrowth and doing his best to get ready for the arrival of the supplies. When he wasn’t outside, he read the books Martin had given him. There was a lot to learn. He had no knowledge of planting seasons or watering or soil. Any time he came across something else he needed, he went to Martin, and Martin assured Kale it was already on his list. Apparently Martin’s mother had a garden, and he had helped her as a child.

  The thought of being watched by Jason was a little disconcerting, but Kale had to come to terms with the fact that Jason owned him again. After the yard was cleared, Kale sat in his room leafing through a book Martin had given him: the one with all the illustrations. There were pictures of all kinds of different plants, many Kale had never seen. Flipping through the flower section, he stopped on a picture of calla lilies. Kale knew they were one of Jason’s favorites. He’d always loved to see them on display at parties.

  A plan formed in Kale’s head. He wasn’t over the past. He wasn’t even anywhere near wanting to be over it, but he did need to try to move on to a better place. A quick check showed that calla lilies were able to be planted at this time of year. Kale knew Jason would be looking out at the garden. There was no reason not to give him something he would enjoy looking at. Besides, Kale was grateful for Jason’s gift of the garden, and this was a way to show his appreciation.

  “Martin, could you place an order for some calla lilies in a variety of colors?” Kale popped his head around the doorway to Martin’s office. The last few days, Kale had become more at ease with Martin. It was necessary with how much they talked about the garden.

  “Yes, but you do realize that flowers are more delicate than vegetables. It will take a lot more care to get them to stay beautiful.”

  “I understand.”

  “Why the sudden interest in calla lilies? I thought you wanted a kitchen garden?”

  “They’re the master’s favorite. I thought it’d be nice when they bloom to put some around the house. Brighten it up a bit.”

  Martin’s face softened. “Yes, that would be nice. I forget sometimes that you know him better than I do.”

  “Well, he’s different now than he was then. I doubt you’d have the opportunity to learn his favorite flower.” Kale’s feelings toward Martin were complicated. In a way he was jealous, but mostly he felt sorry for the man. It was apparent Martin wanted nothing more than to help Jason, to be taken into his confidence, but Jason was beyond the kind of help Martin could give him. Kale didn’t think anyone could get through to him.

&nbs
p; “No, he doesn’t exactly talk about such things.”

  “I spent a lot of time watching him be happy. It was easy to pick up on what he liked back then.”

  “If you think there’s a chance seeing fresh calla lilies will make him the least bit happy, I’ll order you every one in Arine.”

  “Let’s make sure I don’t kill one order first.” Kale grinned, and Martin’s smile met it. Already Jason’s gift was improving Kale’s life.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Kale stopped and pulled a handkerchief from his back pocket to wipe the sweat off his brow. His tongue darted out to moisten his lips, and he tasted salt. The sun was at its peak, but Kale wasn’t about to stop. He was almost done.

  When he pulled the handkerchief back from his face, he saw that his hands had made a mess of it. Dirt was caked under his fingernails, and his skin was covered in a fine layer of grime, making it appear a shade darker than it actually was. He had foregone gloves in favor of the cool feel of soil against his sunbaked hands.

  His face wasn’t the only part of him covered in sweat. Yet, the heat wasn’t oppressive as it had been when he was laying rail. It was odd that the same sensation could feel so different just by virtue of doing the work freely. Grabbing the packet of seeds from the ground near his leg, he poured out a few more and placed them in the earth. How something could grow out of a seed so small was beyond him. He still half doubted whether anything would come from this at all. He covered the seeds and patted the soil on top. That was it.

  Sitting back on his haunches, Kale surveyed his work. The seed had all arrived two days ago. Yesterday morning, he started early, but hadn’t been able to finish. Martin had offered to help, but Kale needed to do this on his own, and Martin had seemed to understand. Today, he had been up with the sun, determined to finish. With the planting complete, he felt an overwhelming sense of satisfaction. Before him were rows of dark brown mounds, each containing the seeds that his books assured him would grow into actual, edible plants.

  Martin had also ordered some lawn furniture as a surprise. He said there wasn’t much sense in planting a garden if there was no way to sit back and enjoy the fruits of one’s labor. And that was another surprise: Martin had ordered some small apple trees and berry bushes. Kale had completely forgotten about fruit in his plans.

  Grabbing a book he had brought out with him in anticipation of this moment, Kale sat back in one of the lawn chairs and began to read. Relaxing was easier for him when he felt he had accomplished something.

  It didn’t take long for a tingling feeling to settle over him. Someone was watching. Kale could feel eyes on his back. He took a deep breath of air heavy with the scent of freshly turned earth, and then slowly released it, willing the breath to take away his irritation. There was nothing to be worried about. Jason watched him from an upstairs window. After all these years, Kale could still distinguish Jason’s presence from anyone else’s. He marveled that he hadn’t known it was Jason back in the office of the steel mill. Of course, he had been too scared to pay attention.

  Kale continued reading, pretending he wasn’t unsettled and trying hard to not actually be unsettled. He was following orders, so he knew he couldn’t be in trouble. If Jason was going to get mad for no reason, then it didn’t matter what Kale did. Besides, this wasn’t as bad as actually being inside with Jason. Out here, there was too much distance—not to mention a brick wall—between them for Kale to give anything away. Kale didn’t need Jason knowing the extent of his confusion, which was why he still tensed every time Jason came near.

  Kale slipped his right hand down to his leg and felt the lock of hair through the material of his pocket. He might as well get used to Jason staring. He would never be able to escape. Jason had made sure of that. Maybe a part of him didn’t want to escape. He didn’t know.

  All Kale knew was that he felt more content in the garden than he had since coming to Jason’s house. And no amount of being watched was going to change that. As long as he kept his distance, nothing bad could happen.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Jason was being indulgent. Below him in the garden, he didn’t see his slave. He saw his former lover, lounging on a chair and reading after a day of gardening. Jason held out a ridiculous hope that Kale would look up at him and smile, but he never did. Kale never gave any indication that he knew Jason was watching.

  Over the last couple of weeks, a new routine had been established. Kale would work in the garden in the morning when it was cool, and then sit and read. Jason always watched. It was the only time Jason could picture Kale the way he wanted him to be.

  “Sir? You wanted to see me?”

  “Yes.” Jason didn’t face Martin. He needed to soak up just a little more of Kale. By the time he was done talking with Martin, Kale would have retreated back indoors, and Jason wouldn’t see him again until tomorrow.

  “He’s doing well.” Martin’s voice was closer, and Jason broke away from the window.

  “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about.” Jason seated himself at his desk and motioned for Martin to sit across from him.

  “Oh?”

  “As you know, I keep my distance, so I don’t know how he’s doing, how he’s settling in, or if there are any problems.”

  “Problems? No, none at all. He seems to be settling in quite nicely, especially now that he has the garden to keep him occupied. He’s even begun to relax around me.”

  “Good. I was serious when I told you I wanted you to be congenial toward him.”

  “If we’re not friends, I’d say we’re awfully close to it.”

  “What about his nervous tic?”

  “The fidgeting with his right hand?”

  “Yes.”

  “It’s calmed down recently. In fact, the only time I see it now is when you’re brought up, if you don’t mind me saying.”

  “Not at all. It’s to be expected. It doesn’t surprise me in the least.” Surprising? No, but very disheartening.

  “Other than that, he seems to be happy, or at least content. Sophie gets along well with him.”

  “Sophie gets along with everyone.” Jason smiled when he thought of his cook-cum-housekeeper.

  “Yes, but she’s sort of adopted him in a way. She’s good for him, being a friend when he needs one, but also pushing him. She got him to finally warm up around me.”

  “How’d she manage that?”

  “She told him he had to come to me to order the supplies for the garden. She’s too busy to help with it anyway, but I know she wanted us to have to talk.”

  “So it worked out well?”

  “Surprisingly so. We had spoken before, but this project required enough back and forth that he eventually realized he could relax. I think he had it in his head that I didn’t like him before.”

  The thought of anyone not liking Kale seemed absurd to Jason. “How is everything else in the house?”

  “In general, I’d say things are better than ever. It’s nice having Kale around. I know Sophie likes the company.”

  “What about you?”

  “I like having him here too.”

  “Any particular reason?”

  Martin looked decidedly uncomfortable at the question. Did Martin hold romantic feelings toward Kale? The thought made heat flare in Jason’s stomach. The urge to make it clear to Martin that Kale was his was overwhelming. Only Kale wasn’t his that way. He never really had been. Any relationship of a personal nature between Martin and Kale was none of Jason’s business.

  “In a way, he understands me better than I thought he would.”

  “Well, I think it’s only fair to tell you that I’ve been looking for a buyer for him.”

  “What?” Martin sprang to the edge of his chair. Jason didn’t think he’d ever seen this much emotion from his secretary.

  “Nothing’s going to happen right away. I won’t repeat the mistake I made last time. I won’t sell him until he’s ready, but I’ve been quietly looking for someone wh
o would be a good fit.”

  “When he’s ready? How can you do this to him? He’s finally settled, we’ve all grown attached to him, and now you’re going to sell him? I’m sorry, sir, but what you’re suggesting is cruel. Why let him become accustomed here when you’re just going to pull it all away from him? He’s never going to be ready to leave. That’s asking the impossible. What slave would want to leave this life?” Martin rose to his feet, his face red from the passion of his speech. Jason had not expected this reaction.

  “He will want to leave, Martin. Trust me.”

  “How can you be so sure?”

  “He hates me. You said it yourself. The only time his nervous tic comes out is when someone mentions me. Whenever I’m around, he’s tense and stiff.”

  “I disagree.”

  “I’m only keeping him so he has a safe place to heal, to see if I can undo some of the damage I’ve done. Once he’s over the trauma of the last few years, he’ll be much happier as far away from me as possible.”

  “You’re wrong.”

  “No, I’m not.” He heard the steel in his voice. “Anyway, you’re not to mention it to him. I don’t want him worrying that he’s going to end up sold back into hard labor. I won’t allow that to happen, but he has no reason to believe me. I just wanted you to know so you don’t become too attached.”

  “I can’t believe you can be this blind. This isn’t right. You’re being a damned fool. It’s one thing to watch you self-destruct, but I wouldn’t have believed you could be this destructive to the people closest to you.”

  Martin’s words smarted. Didn’t he realize Jason was trying?

  “That’s enough, Martin. You’re dismissed.” Jason was more stern than he could ever remember being.

  It was clear that Martin wanted nothing more than to remain and give Jason more of his thoughts on the matter, but after a few breaths, he turned and left.

  Jason knew the truth, and if Martin knew it too, he would understand. Jason wouldn’t tell him, not out of any self-preservation instinct—he doubted anyone had a lower opinion of him than Martin—but because he couldn’t violate Kale’s privacy that way. But Jason was sure that if Martin had all the facts, he would agree with him.