The warmth of Martin’s hand was echoed in his eyes. “Thank you, Martin.”
“Is there anything else you need?”
“Yes.” Jason gathered himself and resumed walking. “I want you to look through all the invitations I get for charities. Bring me the ones that seem most worthwhile, where you think I can make a real contribution. And I’m talking about more than money here, Martin. It’s time I start doing more with myself. Also, I want to see all the latest reports about production and work conditions at the mills. I know we’re better than most places, but we can improve. Be better. That’s going to be the new motto around here, so be prepared.”
“I will be, sir. It will be an honor.” Martin stood and gave a quick bow of his head.
“Oh, and don’t say anything to Kale. I don’t want to burden him with my life.”
“I’m sure he would like to help you, sir.”
“My problems aren’t his to fix.”
“Very well, sir. Would you like me to start right away?”
“Yes, you’re dismissed. Don’t forget the decanter on your way out.”
Alone in his office, Jason contemplated the huge undertaking he had just shouldered. The sheer magnitude of the information he had taken in during the last hour was overwhelming. After all these years of being miserable, of believing he was the monster he had painted himself to be, everything had shattered in a single morning.
All that wasted time. All the pain he had put Kale through. The way Kale looked when Jason found him at the steel mill. Oh gods, he couldn’t think about that. It would be too easy to plunge back into the abyss. At least now there was an anchor to hold to. At the moment, the best way for him to help Kale was to help himself. Jason only hoped that on the other side of this journey Kale would be there, willing to give him a second chance.
Chapter Twenty-Eight
Kale’s stomach dropped. The blood rushed in his ears. He felt like he was falling, but that was impossible: he was already on the ground. How, he didn’t know, but his knees were hollow, empty of the strength needed to support him.
Had that really just happened? How was it that every time Kale felt like he was beginning to get comfortable, to settle into life, Jason had to come and turn it all upside down again?
Somewhere, birds chirped. That was good. Kale listened to the springtime melody. He needed proof that the world continued around him. He ventured a peek at the sky. Fluffy white clouds rolled in the wind. On the ground, Kale felt only the faintest of breezes.
Kale closed his eyes. He needed to find the calm center that used to come so easily to him. Instead, all he saw was Jason as he appeared right before he went inside. Kale’s eyes snapped open. The image did nothing to help his fear.
Most terrifying of all was the look of hope on Jason’s face. Kale knew what to expect. With Jason’s stubborn streak, he would make a concerted effort to wear down Kale’s defenses. Jason never let go of an idea once it took hold, especially when it concerned his feelings. Could Kale hold up against the kind of assault Jason would mount on his heart?
He didn’t think so. He had already played that game and lost. He couldn’t let his emotions get involved. Emotions meant one thing for a slave: pain. There was no escaping it.
Kale lay down. Deep in his bones was a need to be close to the earth, as if it offered the security he craved. Above him, the clouds continued to morph, the fluffy masses breaking off into little wisps.
How had Jason not known? After all this time, it still hurt that he had believed the lie. There had been a moment when Kale had thought Jason would put a stop to it all. Those last few days, he had expected Jason to realize the truth and demand with tenacious insistence that Kale cease the foolishness. But that was naïve. Kale had gotten exactly what he wanted. So many memories, so many emotions. Kale couldn’t untangle them all.
The singing birds flew across his view. He envied them their simple lives. Kale had thought his life would be simple. It should have been.
Why couldn’t Jason just accept that he had loved him once, but wouldn’t ever again? Was that the truth, or just another lie Kale had told himself? He didn’t know. Where did the lie end and the truth begin? Had Kale forgotten what the truth was? Which lies had he told to protect Jason and which to protect himself? After his first lie to Jason, Kale had lost track. There had been so many since then.
Kale was honest about one thing: he was scared. Fear crept through his skin, because he knew if there was one man who could pull this off, it was Jason. It would be a fight. Jason had a host of his own demons to battle before he could even set his sights on Kale. But once Jason had succeeded—and Kale knew he would, he hadn’t been lying to him about that—he would work to reestablish a relationship with Kale.
Deep breaths of the fresh air worked to calm his racing heart. At least his fear the last few years had been somewhat manageable. He knew what it was he feared: the whip and—for some reason passing understanding—death. This fear was much more abstract, like the clouds he was trying to make pictures out of. He didn’t know what was going to happen. There was no way to prepare himself.
Kale didn’t have the strength to fight. He was too tired. But Jason wasn’t. In some ways, he was the same boy Kale had known. Jason worked in only two modes: apathetic and passionate. Kale didn’t want Jason apathetic. He had enough caring in him to want Jason to mend, but there was no chance the healing passion Jason would need would stop once the job was done. That passion was going to pour over straight to Kale as soon as it was able. Jason was always surprising Kale, and Kale knew this would be no different.
The breeze stilled, and the birds quieted. Above him, the clouds barely moved. Kale hadn’t achieved the calm he sought. Tranquility hadn’t been a part of his world for quite a while. But he had gathered himself enough to look at the situation clearly.
Jason could pull this off. Jason could change. He was the one person who could get Kale to release his bitterness. And it scared him. It scared him because, deep down, Kale desperately wanted Jason to win.
* * *
There was no point in staying outside any longer. What would happen would happen. Kale didn’t really have any control over it, just like the rest of his life. Shaking the dirt from his pants and shirt, Kale went inside. He dropped his sketch off in his room. It seemed like an eternity since he had drawn it. As he looked at it on the table, he felt the pride swell in his chest once again. This was a victory. He needed to relish it and ignore what else had happened. Kale was taking care of himself now.
Down in the kitchen, he was ready to help Sophie and put away his other thoughts for later.
“Oh good, just what I needed. Can you hand me all the wine up there?”
Sophie teetered on tiptoe, reaching for bottles that were just out of her grasp. A strong draft could have toppled her. Kale rushed to help.
“What do you need all these for?”
“And the ones on the top shelf, dear.”
Kale retrieved the wine and then looked around in amazement. Sophie was surrounded by dozens of bottles. “What is all this?”
“Mr. Wadsworth’s orders. He wants all the alcohol out of the house. Looks like he’s finally giving it up—and it’s about time—but why he couldn’t make an exception for cooking alcohol is beyond me. So many dishes will be wanting now.”
Kale shouldn’t have been surprised, but he was. Of course, Jason always went at things full tilt. It looked like he had wasted no time. Kale cursed himself for giving Jason hope by letting him know that he believed he could change. No, that was wrong. If Jason could sober up his life, then Kale would support him.
“How has your day been?” Sophie’s innocent question was almost funny. How did one answer such a mundane question when the day had been anything but?
“Good.” Kale couldn’t elaborate further. Besides, it was the truth. Good, if a little frightening. “I drew some.”
“Really? That’s excellent, Kale.” Sophie’s genuine delight over h
is little victory brought a smile to his face.
“Do you want to see it?”
“I’d love to.”
“Just a minute.” Kale didn’t know why he offered to show it to her—he had never been the type to enjoy others looking at his work—but he needed to focus back on what he had accomplished. Besides, showing Sophie would make it more real. Especially after seeing what Jason had done with his pictures, Kale needed more people than just himself and Jason to see this drawing.
When he returned, he handed Sophie the sketchpad.
“Kale, this is extraordinary. When you told me you used to draw, I had no idea you meant like this.”
“It’s nothing, I’m just glad I can draw at all. For a while there, I didn’t think I’d be able to.”
“Well, I don’t agree with your evaluation. And of course you can still do it. I was never in any doubt of that. It’s a part of you. We never lose parts of ourselves. We just forget how to use them. Are you going to keep it up now?” Sophie handed the sketchpad back to Kale.
“I hope so.”
“Don’t just hope for it, do it. Don’t get rusty again.”
“All right, Sophie.”
“Promise?”
Kale laughed. “I promise.”
“Good. It looks like it’s been a big day all around so far. I’d say we should drink to it, but I hate to go against Mr. Wadsworth’s orders.”
“Don’t worry about it. We don’t need drinks when we have your fine cooking.”
“That’s a good point. I’ll get started on something special for tonight. We could all use it. Why don’t you go tell Martin we have all the liquor rounded up down here?”
Kale gave her a peck on the cheek and went in search of Martin. Today had been a good day, all things considered. Kale was still worried about the future, but today he had drawn. He had seen beauty. Nothing else mattered.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
Dinner was delicious and blessedly peaceful. Kale didn’t know what he expected, perhaps Jason insisting on eating dinner together like they used to, but there wasn’t sight or sound of him. It was a relief.
The next day, Kale didn’t see Jason either. Not that they spent a lot of time around each other, but Kale had grown used to peeking up at the window and seeing Jason in his office or feeling Jason watch him. Even when Kale didn’t see Jason, his presence was usually felt somehow, whether in Martin or Sophie’s running to bring him something or the muted cursing and thumping that indicated he was drinking in the study. Kale didn’t so much as hear a whisper about Jason for two days.
On the third day, Kale was in the garden trying to capture the image of an ant carrying a leaf. It was a fascinating subject. The ant soldiered on, as if the burden it carried wasn’t absurdly large for its small stature. This was the type of subject matter Kale loved, but his heart wasn’t in it. He had stayed true to his word to Sophie and kept drawing. It was surprising how easily it came back to him, almost like second nature.
Except it wasn’t coming to him now. Another peek at the window showed what Kale already knew: Jason wasn’t there. It was disconcerting. There was no way Kale could focus with so much unease in the house. Martin and Sophie hadn’t said anything; they were tiptoeing around him. He barely even saw Martin. And that was exactly what was so unsettling. The distinct absence of anything to do with Jason left Kale feeling his presence more than ever, and not in a good way.
The sketch in front of him was enough to work from later. He packed it up and dropped it off in his room before heading to the kitchen. This had gone on long enough. He was going to get some answers from Sophie.
“Do you want another cup?”
“No, it’s about time for me to get back up there.”
“You’ll be no use to him if you’re about to collapse yourself.”
Kale heard Sophie and Martin talking as he approached the kitchen door. Usually, he was still outside at this time. No doubt they thought this was a private moment.
“Fine, one more cup.” Martin’s voice was weary.
“And a biscuit.”
“No.”
“Come now, what kind of gentleman doesn’t take tea and biscuits?” Sophie was insistent. Martin would be foolish to try to refuse her.
“Fine.”
There was movement as Kale assumed Sophie served the tea, and then there was the clank of silverware. Kale couldn’t let this opportunity pass him by. He needed to know.
He opened the door and marched in with far more assertiveness than he had intended. Martin started, and Sophie looked up from the mound of silverware she was polishing. Martin appeared as worn down as he had sounded. Dark circles framed his light brown eyes. His usual stiff posture was broken over his cup of tea.
“It’s time I got back.” Martin spoke before Kale had a chance and began to rise from his seat. Kale stopped him with a hand on Martin’s shoulder, pushing him back down. For a moment, a twinge of fear flashed through Kale. Martin was a free man, and Kale had no right to treat him this way, much less be this forceful. The feeling passed. Some things were more important than propriety, and from the resignation in his eyes, Martin was aware of that.
“What is going on?” Kale looked between the two.
“What are you talking about, Kale?” It was Sophie, and Kale felt betrayed. How could she treat him like this?
“I haven’t heard the master leave his room in three days. Something is going on, and you two know what it is. I want to know.”
Martin looked at Sophie. “Don’t look at me. This is all on you, Martin.”
Martin released a heavy sigh. If Kale wasn’t so agitated, he would have felt sorry for the secretary. “He didn’t want you to know.”
“Know what?”
“He’s in a bad way, Kale.”
“What does that mean? Is he sick? Is his life in danger?” His eyebrows knit in confusion as his voice gained speed.
“Have a seat. I’ll get you a cup.” Sophie maneuvered Kale into a chair and placed a warm cup of tea in front of him. Sophie apparently thought tea was the cure for all the world’s ills. It wasn’t working; Kale wouldn’t drink it until he had some answers.
“Mr. Wadsworth’s drinking was worse than any of us knew. I guess we were fooling ourselves. We knew it was bad, but we liked to convince ourselves that he had it under control. He’s always so much in control.” Martin’s face showed just how deeply he blamed himself. “All the alcohol leaving his system is making him sick.”
“Then fetch a doctor. Get the man some help. You can’t just let him be!” The anger in his voice was a diversion from the cold lump of worry in Kale’s gut.
“I went to the doctor, Kale.” Sophie placed a hand on his arm to calm him. It was about as effectual as the tea. “He said we just have to wait it out.”
“So, if this is all normal, why are you so worried?” Kale looked from Sophie to Martin and back again. Neither of them seemed to have an answer for him.
“You don’t know what it’s like, Kale.” Martin shook his head as he spoke, like a man who had lost all direction. “At this point, I almost want him to take a drink just to lessen it. The doctor even said it’s madness for a man to give up alcohol all at once. But Mr. Wadsworth won’t hear it.”
That sounded like Jason. He would kill himself with his stupid stubborn streak. Kale shot to his feet, intent on storming to Jason’s room and ending this foolishness. This was all because of him, and he was the only one who could put a stop to it.
Martin’s hand latched onto Kale’s arm. He may have looked tired, but his grip was firm.
“You’re gravely mistaken if you think you can stop me.” Kale stared him down, hoping his face looked as menacing as he felt.
“You know I can’t, Kale. I don’t know the full story of what happened between you and the master, and it’s none of my business, but it’s clear he loves you. If you have one ounce of love for him in return, you won’t go to his room.”
“Why not?” What did t
his man know? Kale certainly wasn’t going to sit by and do nothing.
“For one, he’s finally sleeping. Second, his one request was that you not see him. He has his pride, Kale. He doesn’t want you to worry about him.”
“But you’re allowed in.” Kale felt the jealousy surge within him. It should be him at Jason’s side, not this man who didn’t really know him.
“Yes, because he doesn’t much care what I think. Like you said, I can’t stop you if you want to see him, but realize you’ll be taking the last shred of pride he has. You’ll leave him broken, and you won’t help anything.”
Kale stared into Martin’s eyes, wanting the other man to fight him, craving that outlet, but all he saw was resignation. Martin wasn’t going to fight. He was going to make Kale come to this decision on his own.
Slowly, Kale lowered himself back to his chair.
“It’ll be fine, Kale.” Sophie patted his back. “You made the right choice.”
“It doesn’t feel right.”
“That’s only because you want to be doing, but there’s nothing we can do.”
“It’s time I get back up there.” Martin heaved himself to his feet, but Kale caught his hand before he could get away. Martin’s brow lifted in question.
“Will you at least ask him if I can see him? Let him know I miss him and was asking after him?” The thought of Jason all alone, going through this pain, hit something in Kale. It superseded all other feelings. He didn’t know how he felt toward Jason, but Kale knew the idea of Jason suffering hurt him in a way he couldn’t bear.
Martin appeared to consider Kale’s request and then nodded. Kale released his hand and began nursing his cup of tea. It would take all the tea in this house to soothe his nerves.
Chapter Thirty
Martin dragged himself up the stairs, trying to steel himself for what awaited him in Jason’s room. With any luck, he’d still be sleeping. Martin knew he had Sophie’s—and now Kale’s—support, but he was the one who had to face this alone. At least he had some experience with these matters.
[Measure of Devotion 02.0] Measure of Strength Page 12
