[Measure of Devotion 02.0] Measure of Strength

by Caethes Faron

  Jason laughed even harder at this. Now that Kale had said it, Jason couldn’t help picturing Martin, somber faced, ushering souls to death. Martin would be thrilled if he knew.

  When Jason had sobered, Kale asked, “How bad was it?”

  It appeared this wasn’t a laughing matter to Kale. “It wasn’t good, but my memory is hazy. Martin could do a better job of answering your question. I have flashes. They mix in with my dreams, so I don’t know what was real and what wasn’t. I’m scared more of it was real than I’d like.” It felt so good to freely talk with Kale, to pour out his feelings uncensored. Kale had always been the only person who put him at this kind of ease.

  Jason dug into the picnic basket and began to spread out its contents. There were sandwiches, bread, cheese, and fruit. It was more than the two of them could possibly eat. “It looks like Sophie meant for us to be out for quite some time. We’d better get started on this.”

  Jason handed Kale a sandwich and they both ate. Jason felt as though he hadn’t eaten in ages. Everything tasted delicious. The salty ham, fluffy bread, pungent cheese, the sweet grapes and apples—it was all divine. After the first bite, Jason could only think about sating his hunger. Before he knew it, he was leaning back against the trunk of the tree, patting his belly and releasing a rather unattractive burp.

  “Excuse me. I knew I was hungry, but I didn’t realize the extent of it.” Jason looked at Kale. Beyond his first sandwich, Jason hadn’t noticed if he’d eaten anything else. “Did you get enough?”

  “Yes, Master.” Kale went about cleaning up the remains.

  “Leave the grapes. I wouldn’t mind a few more.”

  A slight smile crested Kale’s lips, but he kept silent as he packed away the rest, not that there was much left.

  “Are you sure you don’t want anything else?”

  “I’m sure.” Kale settled down next to Jason.

  “Eat a few grapes anyway, just to make me feel better.” Jason didn’t want to be the only one still eating.

  Kale obliged and took a few, popping them into his mouth one at a time. Jason watched him, wondering what to say. There were so many things that needed to be said, but where to start?

  “I’m sorry.” That seemed like a decent enough place.

  “Excuse me?”

  “I’m sorry about what happened with Renee.”

  Kale went rigid.

  “Please, talk to me.”

  “You always did have a knack for uncomfortable conversations.”

  “I’m mad at myself for believing such a blatant lie.” There was no response from Kale. Since Jason expected honesty, it was only fair that he started with himself. “And I’m mad at you for telling it.”

  “Yeah, well, there’s enough anger to go around.”

  “I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I just wanted you to know that I’m sorry.”

  “I appreciate that.”

  “Really?”

  “No, not really, but I want to. You don’t know how badly I want to sometimes.”

  “Tell me what happened.” Jason only had fragments of the story. He wanted the whole thing.

  “There’s not much to tell.”

  “What happened after I took you to the dealer?”

  Kale shrugged. “I was sold.”

  “To the labor firm?”

  “Yes.”

  “Were you at the mill this whole time?” There was something devastating about the thought that Kale had been there all along. Surely Jason would have known.

  “No, I was laying track for the railroad. A few months ago, that ended and I got transferred to the mill.”

  “When I first got you back, you told me I had been naïve. Did you know you would be sold to hard labor?”

  “Yes, I knew it.”

  “Then why did you do it?”

  Kale shrugged. “It seemed worth it at the time.”

  “Kale, what could possibly be worth it?”

  “You’ll never understand because you’re not a slave.” Kale’s speech became more impassioned. “You don’t know what it’s like to have no control over your life. That was my opportunity to take control. You were going to get rid of me sooner or later, at least this way it was in my hands. Only one of us had a chance of ever being happy, and we both know it was you.”

  “And I fucked it up.”

  “Yes.”

  “I’m sorry.” Jason thought his voice sounded as wretched as he felt.

  “Not as much as I am.”

  Kale’s words stabbed at Jason. How had he made such a mess of both their lives? It had been bad enough when he only had his own to worry about.

  “But, like you said,” Kale continued, “we both made our own choices, and we’ve both lived with the consequences.”

  “Where do we go from here?” That was what Jason needed to know.

  “I don’t know.”

  “How do you feel?”

  “I don’t know how I feel.”

  “Do you hate me?”

  “I don’t know.”

  That stung, but Jason had asked. At least he was getting honesty. That was a good sign, wasn’t it? “Do you like me?”

  Kale finally regarded him. “Look, I don’t know. Just, stop pushing it. I’m glad you’re better. I was scared when you were sick and I couldn’t do anything for you. But that doesn’t mean anything has changed.”

  Jason nodded. “Fair enough.”

  They sat there for a few peaceful moments. Jason knew they were both hurting. They were different men than they’d been three years ago, but he couldn’t help thinking that they were also the only people who could understand the other’s pain.

  “I plan to start coming here regularly again. Would you like to join me?”

  “Whatever you want, Master.” The stiffness returned to Kale’s posture.

  “I want to know what you want, Kale.” Jason ached to reach out and touch him. It had been so long since he had felt Kale’s skin beneath his own. Right now, though, it wasn’t appropriate.

  “Honestly, I don’t know.” Kale met his eyes, and Jason could see the sincerity in them. Jason could hardly blame him. Moment to moment, Jason didn’t know what to do either. Now that he could no longer hide behind his drinking, he was going to have to step up and start taking control.

  “Well, then why don’t you come? I’m making it an order. But, Kale,” Jason paused to make sure he had Kale’s full attention, “I’m also ordering you to tell me if you don’t want to, and that order supersedes the other one. I don’t know what’s going to happen between us, and I’m not going to push you into a relationship you don’t want, but I think we should spend some time together. Here, we’re on neutral ground. Burying and ignoring the problems between us isn’t going to fix things. We owe it to ourselves and each other to try to move past this.”

  Kale nodded and Jason stood, reaching a hand down to help Kale. Kale ignored it, gathered the blanket and basket, and fell in step behind Jason. The day hadn’t gone as Jason planned, but he didn’t really know what he had expected. It was a start.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  “Go ahead and start reading, Kale.” It always took an order. Kale never took initiative.

  Jason lay down under the familiar tree and closed his eyes, letting Kale’s voice wash over him. With his eyes closed, he could almost imagine all their problems were gone. They came to the park together every day the weather allowed. It was always the same: they ate whatever Sophie had packed them, and then Kale read from whichever book he had brought. To be honest, Jason never paid much attention to the story.

  The only thing that stained the perfect picture was the tension buried in Kale’s voice. It was never blatant, but it was always there, and it permeated the air between them. Like any stain, the eye eventually glided over it, and Jason learned to ignore it, even though he always knew it was there.

  Reading had been Jason’s idea. Kale would have never suggested it. After the first conversation they had afte
r Jason’s recovery, he figured they needed something to do as an alternative to discussion. His hope had been that Kale would become more comfortable and talk to him. Jason didn’t care about what; he just wanted them to talk. The problem was that he had given Kale the control. At the time, it had seemed important, but over the last week Jason had come to realize that Kale was never going to speak first.

  Jason didn’t know what to do. He didn’t want to order Kale to talk, but that seemed to be the only way. Everything with Kale was by order these days. Jason felt like a little kid playing house, ordering the other players into their positions and having them recite lines. The illusion was nice, but reality would be better.

  Kale wasn’t doing it to annoy him the way he had been prone to do years ago, or at least Jason didn’t think so. It was just the state of their new relationship. It was far from ideal, but Jason preferred it to life without Kale, so he persevered.

  “It was over before it began,” Jason spoke to the sky.

  “What?”

  Jason grinned. He had surprised Kale, so he had forgotten to tag a “master” onto his sentence. He gathered these little victories. It was petty and probably inconsequential, but Jason relished them—they were all he had.

  “My marriage. We only went through with it because of her father.”

  Jason cracked an eye open when Kale didn’t say anything. The tension was thicker than usual. Kale stared at Jason with a look of confusion and discomfort on his face.

  “I’ve been waiting for you to start talking to me, but that’s clearly never going to happen. Then I thought about it, and you told me what happened to you when we parted, but I didn’t reciprocate. Maybe if you know more, you’ll feel more comfortable, loosen up a little bit.” Jason sat up so his eyes were level with Kale’s.

  There was a slight twitch in Kale’s eyebrows, and for a moment Jason thought he might get a funny retort. Then Kale pursed his lips and nodded. “Very well, Master. Whatever you wish. I’m listening.”

  Indeed, Kale leaned forward and appeared to be paying as rapt attention as any man was capable of. It was maddening.

  “I was devastated the day I sold you. I kept telling myself the pain would dull. Renee tried her best to help me cheer up, but I knew I never would. I damned our relationship the moment I signed your title over.”

  Kale’s face quickly sobered, and he lowered his eyes. If Jason was going to be the one talking, Kale was going to hear the truth. If it was uncomfortable, Kale could steer the conversation any time he wanted.

  “At that point, though, her father was gravely ill. The arrangement still had its benefits. Renee would satisfy her father and still have the freedom she craved. I was ruined for anyone else, so I didn’t see much downside to going through with it. I felt I owed it to her after everything. I didn’t want to see her married to someone who would try to destroy what was good in her. I had already ruined your life by raping you. I didn’t want to do the same to her.”

  Jason saw Kale bristle at the word “rape.” Other than that, there was no indication of what he thought. “So we got married. Her father was overjoyed. A few months later, he died. I inherited everything and moved out into the townhouse I’m in now.”

  Kale’s eyes shot to him, but quickly darted away. Jason knew what he wanted. “Do you have a question?”

  Jason could see Kale mulling it over, but he eventually shook his head.

  “Renee took to traveling—”

  “So she never lived in that house? I’m sorry, Master, I didn’t mean to interrupt.”

  It was almost painful to see these two warring sides of Kale. On one side was the curious man who had been used to speaking freely with Jason, and on the other was a man who had fear beaten into him from all sides. “No reason to apologize. I’m having a conversation, Kale. Whether you decide to participate is entirely up to you, but I’m not talking to hear myself speak or to dictate to you. To answer your question: no, Renee never lived in that townhouse. I don’t think she’s ever even stepped inside.”

  Kale nodded and Jason could see he was relieved. Jason had never even thought Kale might worry about that.

  “If you wanted to know, you could have just asked. I didn’t even think about it.”

  “It’s not my place, Master.”

  “I’m making it your place, Kale. I want you to talk to me, to ask questions.”

  There was a pause. Then Kale asked, “So how did it all work?”

  “Renee travels mostly. Her mother has a townhouse here. We don’t get along, and I try to avoid her at all costs. Whenever Renee is in town, she stays there, and I visit when I’m needed.”

  Kale’s face twisted like he tasted something sour.

  “That rarely happens now. Our marriage bed has never been very warm. We tried a few times, hoping for a child so we could be done with it, but it never took. Eventually, trying wasn’t worth the effort. We haven’t told her mother, though, so she’s still hoping for children. But I haven’t seen Renee in over a year, so I think even she is losing hope.”

  Silence.

  “This is the part where you ask a question.”

  “What about the business?”

  “Ah, the business. That’s really what keeps this whole thing going. As it turns out, I’m pretty good at it.”

  “That doesn’t surprise me.” Kale seemed to speak before he thought. It was another slip of the lip and another victory for Jason.

  “Well, it surprised me. I was terrified of taking over. I didn’t want to, but if I didn’t, then Renee’s family could have pushed for a divorce. No one else in her family wants to run it, but they are all keen on it continuing to supply the lifestyle they enjoy. Her uncles and cousins keep an eye on me. The secret is that I don’t care about the business. Or actually, I don’t care about the money. When you look at it objectively like that, it just becomes another puzzle to solve. As long as profits go up, I’m left alone.”

  “Have you told her about me?” There was an edge to Kale’s voice.

  “Renee? No, it didn’t seem prudent. I think she’s been through enough. I’ll let her know when there’s something to tell. Like I said, I haven’t seen her in over a year, so it’s not really any of her business. I don’t know what she does with her time. We write each other, and we’re on friendly terms, but that’s it.”

  Jason’s answer didn’t appear to do anything to relax Kale. Then it hit him. “My gods, Kale. Have you been worried about Renee all this time? She can’t do a thing to you. You don’t have to concern yourself with her at all. You’ll probably never see her again.”

  “I wasn’t worried.” Same old Kale, never wanting his pride touched. Jason was just glad that pride was still intact somewhere. “And when did you start swearing by the gods?”

  Jason chuckled. “It’s more like I never stopped after you rubbed off on me. I never felt a part of the higher classes once you were gone. Martin cringes every time I use ‘gods’ instead of ‘saints.’ Maybe I do it to irritate him.”

  Jason watched Kale chew his tongue. “Have another question?”

  Kale stopped. “You know I do. You’re just doing this to torture me.”

  “I’m improving your conversation skills.” The tension was still in Kale, but at least this way Jason had a little fun.

  “What about Martin? Where’d he come from?”

  “Martin was an unexpected annoyance. Given my lack of experience and unsociable nature, Renee’s family insisted on me having a secretary, and they hired Martin. It was made clear to me that I either let them pick my secretary, or they would push for divorce. He’s a glorified nanny.”

  “You need someone, and you don’t seem to care to have a staff.”

  “No, after you I didn’t want any slaves. I didn’t trust myself. Martin found me Sophie, and it’s worked out nicely, just the three of us. If I were to be completely honest, Martin has done well. I just can’t help feeling that he looks down his nose at me.”

  “I think he makes
everyone feel that way. I know he respects you.”

  “Thank you, Kale.” Jason squinted at the sun and pulled out his watch. “I’ve got to head back. There’s a meeting for a charity I’m on the board of tonight.” Jason was still considering what charities he wanted to devote himself to, but he thought it was important to be active where he could until he came to a decision.

  Jason jumped up and reached down for Kale’s hand. Kale ignored it, as always. He shied away from any physical closeness. It made Jason crazy. All he wanted was one touch, to feel Kale’s hand in his again. To feel that firm strength. But maybe what had made Kale’s touch so magnificent before was no longer there. If Kale’s hands weren’t touching him in love, was it really worth it?

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Kale crumpled the paper between his hands and took a little pleasure at the crisp sound of it wrinkling. The waste paper basket was already overflowing, but Kale tossed the ball of paper anyway. He didn’t see where it landed; he was staring at the blank sheet in front of him.

  He could do this. It used to be so easy.

  Kale closed his eyes and conjured up a picture of Jason. This time, it was Jason at the park. Over the last two weeks, they had begun to talk more, the conversation always guided by Jason. Lately, they discussed neutral topics such as art and literature. Yesterday, Jason had laughed at something Kale said, and it lit Kale up to be the person to bring that expression to Jason’s face.

  Holding the picture firmly in mind, Kale set his pencil to paper and began to draw. He tried not to think too hard, to just let the image flow through him. When his eyes focused on the page, though, he saw it was no use. This one was just as bad as the others. He took his pencil and scribbled through the image, making a black mess before crumpling it like the dozens before.

  No matter what he tried, he couldn’t get his hand to draw the lines that should be familiar. Jason as he was years ago, Jason in the park, Jason in his office at the window, Jason happy, Jason sad, an image that made Kale feel joyful, an image that made him furious—nothing worked.