[Measure of Devotion 02.0] Measure of Strength

by Caethes Faron

  With one hand he cupped Kale’s balls again, but this time he extended his middle finger, stroking the delicate skin right behind the sack.

  “Ehhhh.” It was a whimper. Kale was on the edge.

  The other hand gripped Kale at his base, and Jason began to suck in earnest. It had been years, but Jason still remembered what Kale liked. The right amount of suction, the little flicks of his tongue under the tip interspersed with long, rhythmic licks.

  Kale’s fingers tightened in Jason’s hair, and he thrust frantically into Jason’s mouth. Jason relaxed his throat, and when Kale came, he swallowed it all.

  “Ahhhh.”

  Jason released Kale’s penis before it became too sensitive and joined Kale on the bed. For a moment, the only sound was Kale’s heavy breathing. His forehead was damp, and Jason pushed the matted hair back and then glided his finger over the sweat-slicked skin.

  “I never learned to play an instrument. I think you qualify, though. I could spend all day touching you to see what sounds you make.”

  “I’m not that bad.”

  “Who said anything about being bad?” Jason leaned down and gave Kale a soft kiss.

  “What about you?” Kale seemed to take in the fact that Jason was completely clothed for the first time. He moved to get up, but Jason firmly pushed him back down.

  “Don’t worry about me. I can replay that in my head later and take care of myself.” Jason stroked Kale’s face and watched as his comfortable, sated look was replaced by darkening storm clouds. Jason had expected this. Kale was just realizing what he had done.

  “So now what, Master?”

  There it was. It wouldn’t surprise him if Kale tried to put even more distance between them. Now that Kale had let Jason in, he was going to withdraw. It didn’t matter; he wouldn’t succeed. Jason wasn’t backing down, and he could keep pace with Kale as he tried to run the other way.

  “May I stay?”

  “You can do whatever you want, Master.”

  “I want to do what you want. This isn’t about being an owner. It’s about being a lover.”

  “No, it’s not.” Kale jerked his head out from under Jason’s hand. “If it was, you would have respected my privacy and not barged into my room. I wouldn’t have the scars on my back.”

  Kale was right. No matter what Jason did, he would always be Kale’s master. Whatever reparations he could make, Kale would always bear those scars. They were a reminder that Jason’s decisions had permanent repercussions. That only strengthened his resolve. He wouldn’t make the same mistake twice.

  “I came in here as your lover.”

  “But we’re not—”

  Jason placed a silencing finger over Kale’s lips. “Yes, we are. The physical act has little to do with it. I love you, and that’s why I was so excited to see you that I forgot to knock. There’s an art exhibit I want us to go to.” Jason fished the clipping from his pocket and set it on Kale’s chest. “I think you’d like it.”

  “Fetching you drinks?”

  “No, I don’t want you there as my slave, and you know it. It didn’t used to be like that.”

  “Yes, and look where it got me.”

  Jason sighed. “When are you going to realize you trust me? I know you do. I just think you hate admitting it as much as you hate admitting you love me.”

  Kale didn’t say anything.

  “I am sorry I barged in here. I know you don’t like it, and I want to respect your space and privacy. I’ll be more careful in the future.” Jason gave him one last kiss and then stood. “I love you.”

  Jason was halfway to the door when Kale’s voice stopped him. “Don’t think this changes anything. It’s just sex. Like you said, it’s been a long time.”

  The words stung, but Jason tried not to let them affect him. He looked over his shoulder at Kale. “It’s never been just sex between us.”

  Back in his room, Jason undid his pants and lay on the bed. Closing his eyes, he relived every moment of their lovemaking as he brought himself to climax. It wasn’t as good as the reality, but like Kale said, it had been a long time.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Kale fingered the newspaper clipping. He was an ass. The moment Jason had left his room yesterday, he’d felt like a bastard, and the feeling hadn’t subsided. The art exhibit was exactly the kind of thing he would enjoy. Jason had taken him to many such events. Why did this have to be any different?

  It didn’t. There was no reason for Kale not to go, other than his own obstinacy. After the amazing blow job Jason had given him, without asking for or expecting anything in return, Kale felt he owed it to him to attend.

  Kale pulled an afternoon suit out of his wardrobe. Jason had provided clothes for any occasion imaginable. The more formal clothes felt stiff and awkward—it had been so long since he’d worn a full suit as Jason’s valet. Jason wore them regularly, but he hadn’t protested when Kale chose more casual wear. Standing in front of the mirror, he admired himself. It was impossible to tell that he had been shoveling ore in a steel mill less than three months ago.

  There was a light knock on the door, and Kale glanced at the clock. Jason was right on time for their regular walk to the park.

  “Come in.”

  “Are you ready—” Jason stopped when he saw Kale. The admiration was apparent in his eyes, and Kale grew more comfortable with his plan. “What are you dressed up for?”

  “Contemporary Masters in Black and White.” Kale handed him the scrap of newspaper. “I thought we could go if you still wanted to.”

  “Of course. Should we grab something to eat at a cafe instead of going to the park?”

  The thought of sitting and eating with Jason as equals—and that was what Jason had in mind, he was sure—paralyzed him. It was one thing to go to a museum where they would be left alone to wander around, no one paying enough attention to them to tell if Kale was a slave. It was quite another to sit across the table from his owner, acting like a free man. The ambiguity of his station at the art exhibit was the only reason he had even considered it.

  “Sophie’s already packed us a lunch. I’d hate to spoil it.”

  Jason peered at him for a moment, and Kale wondered if he saw through him to the real reason he wanted to go to the park. There was no point in dishonesty. Jason was more likely to acquiesce to his desires if he knew Kale was uncomfortable. Something inside him wouldn’t allow him to admit that little weakness, though.

  “Right.” Jason nodded. “I didn’t think of that.”

  Kale smiled. “That’s because you’re not the one who has to fix it.” As soon as he said it, he regretted it. Why did he always have to be an ass when Jason was trying so hard, being so considerate? “I’m sorry, Master. I shouldn’t have said that.”

  “No, don’t worry about it, Kale. That’s the sort of thing you used to say to me all the time. I like it. It’s you.” Jason’s hand was on Kale’s shoulder and it sent reassuring warmth through him. There was no need to fear Jason. Kale could say anything, even unleash the full force of his stormy emotions on him, and Jason would stand and bear it. He had. A small voice whispered to Kale that Jason was always going to be standing there, loving him, but the thought was too soft to take hold against years of conditioning.

  * * *

  “Do you like it?” Jason inquired. They were standing in front of a black and white sculpture. The black crept up the white, flaring out in seemingly random ways, twisting and curling until the white disappeared into the black mass. The placard read: Inside Out.

  “Yes, I do.” They had been casually walking around the exhibit when Kale had stopped in front of this piece and hadn’t been able to move on. It spoke to him. The sculpture was very reminiscent of the way Kale often felt. He couldn’t tear his eyes from it, and he knew Jason had noticed.

  “What is it about this one?”

  This outing was supposed to be something fun to make up for the way Kale had been acting toward Jason. Yet here he was, facing down
his own internal struggles in the middle of an art museum, all because of one sculpture. He didn’t want to explain to Jason the deeply personal and intimate connection he felt to this piece.

  Jason had said Kale trusted him, that he just didn’t want to admit it to himself. It was true. Kale knew Jason would understand, at least as much as it was possible for another person to understand. He wouldn’t mock or ridicule. He would listen, but more than that, he would internalize what Kale said, and they would be closer for it. That was the problem.

  Kale tore his eyes from the sculpture long enough to look at Jason. His face was open, welcoming, ready to accept however much Kale was ready to give. In that moment, Kale felt as if it would be a betrayal of Jason and himself not to be honest.

  “It’s me. That’s how I feel. Any time a little light tries to come in or out, it’s consumed. I feel like there’s this black knot inside of me, and no matter how much I want to, I can’t let it go.”

  “Maybe you don’t need to.” Kale let his incredulity show on his face. “I’m not saying you should hold onto it either. Maybe you should just stop trying so hard. Let it be.” Jason put a comforting hand on his shoulder. Kale was growing fond of that habit of Jason’s, though he would never admit it to him. “I can’t imagine what the last three years were like for you. All I can tell you is what I’ve seen. Back at the mill, you were a shell. Everything that was you was locked away deep inside. I assume that’s the only way you were able to cope all that time. Anyone would have done the same. And now you’re back in a situation that, in some ways, is so familiar. You’re trying to be the old Kale, but that person doesn’t exist anymore.”

  “But that’s the person you love.”

  “No, I love you. You’ve changed, but that doesn’t mean I love you any less. The darkness in you has been keeping you safe. It’s a survival instinct to hold onto it. The white is trying to get out, but the black is saying, ‘It’s too dangerous. You don’t know how to survive in this world.’”

  “I know I’m safe here.”

  “Bodily, yes. But emotionally, no. That’s fine, Kale. It doesn’t hurt me that you feel that way.”

  “But you said I trust you.”

  “You do, but that doesn’t mean all the feelings from the last three years are just going to melt away. I know you trust me. Otherwise, you wouldn’t have shared what you just did. But it’s going to take time to recondition your reactions and instincts. It’ll happen in time. You just need to figure out how to live in this situation without trying to act as though the last three years didn’t happen.”

  “When did you become the wise one of us?”

  “I was always wiser than you when it came to yourself. It was all the other stuff where you had me beat.”

  They stared for a moment longer at the sculpture and then moved on, falling easily into lighthearted conversation. Somehow, Jason made everything seem so simple. It was easy for Kale to be lulled into this comfortable acceptance and forget about his inner turmoil, for an afternoon at least.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  “Thank you for taking me. I really enjoyed it.” Kale hoped Jason could sense the sincerity in his thanks.

  “You’re welcome. Thank you for coming. I know it was hard for you.”

  It had been at first, but it didn’t take long for Kale to realize that no one spared them so much as a glance. They blended right in. At the start, it had felt dangerous. Kale had an irrational fear that someone would jump out, expose him as a fraud, and take him back to the labor firm in chains. Jason had engaged him in conversation immediately, and that had helped. In some ways, it felt the same as it always had when they went to art exhibits together.

  “It was, but you made it easy.”

  Jason brushed Kale’s hair back from his face and then leaned in for a kiss. It was soft, but still intense. Kale could literally feel Jason’s love in the insistence of his tongue and lips. The taste it left on his mouth was sweet, and there was an undeniable sense of loss when Jason pulled away.

  “Why don’t you come up to my room?”

  They stood in front of Kale’s door. During the time Kale had lived with Jason, he had never seen Jason’s room. It was an alluring thought, but there was only one reason Jason wanted him to come up. “Because you want to have sex.”

  “Yes. Is that such a bad thing?” Jason rubbed his thumb against the back of Kale’s hand. It was soft, smooth, and it sent little currents of desire through Kale.

  “No, except for the fact that it means more to you than it does to me.”

  That brought Jason up short. “What do you mean?”

  “For me, it’s just sex. For you, it means more.” Kale didn’t want his words to hurt Jason, but all he could think was that it would be far more painful for him to let Jason believe sex meant Kale was in a relationship place that he wasn’t.

  “I don’t care.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  “No, Kale, I promise. You don’t have to worry about my feelings, although it’s sweet of you to be concerned. If it’s just sex for you, that’s fine. We can just be two people taking pleasure in each other’s bodies.” Jason slid up against Kale, just enough for him to feel how badly Jason wanted him.

  Of course Kale wanted to have sex again. Desire wasn’t the issue, doing the right thing by Jason was. No amount of reassurances from Jason could convince him that Jason could separate his emotions from sex. It wasn’t in his makeup. But Jason was a man. He could make his own decisions. If he was fine with it, that should be enough for Kale.

  Besides, the blood was already flowing south, and his cock stirred. He had been deprived. How could he turn away what was on offer? Especially when he knew how good it would be. “Fine.”

  As soon as the word left his lips, Jason was running down the hall and up the stairs, dragging Kale along by his hand. Kale thought he might have even heard a giggle. Jason’s enthusiasm was flattering.

  “Here it is.” Jason flung the door open with a flourish, gesturing for Kale to precede him.

  Overall, the room was simpler than Kale’s. It was larger, but the furnishings were plainer. The wood was a rich brown, the color of Jason’s eyes. On the bed was a dark green comforter. Kale had always thought that shade suited Jason’s coloring, and he couldn’t wait to see the contrast of Jason’s pale skin against it.

  “What do you think?”

  “It’s nice. It feels different.”

  “How so?” Jason tossed his suit coat over the back of a chair and began to unfasten his cufflinks.

  “Your room has always been a familiar place to me, and this room isn’t.” Kale took his cue from Jason and began to get more comfortable. The coat, vest, tie, and cufflinks were gone in a matter of moments, and the first few buttons of his shirt were opened. He felt free.

  “That can change.” Jason sat on the sofa, looking completely at ease. This was where he had spent the last three years while Kale slept on a dirty pallet in a slave barracks. Kale could feel the bitterness curling up in his stomach and began to push it aside. Then he caught himself. Maybe Jason was right. He couldn’t keep trying to stuff his feelings away.

  The bitterness opened up, and he let himself simply feel it. He was a grown man. He didn’t need to let pain dictate his actions, but simply ignoring the pain and hoping it would go away hadn’t worked.

  “Tell me what you’re feeling.” Jason’s voice was closer. Kale could feel his breath behind his ear, warm and comforting. He hadn’t seen Jason move from the sofa.

  “It’s not fair. You were here all this time, and I was on a cold floor, surrounded by men like me who were just trying to live one more day. You had the opportunity to be happy, and you weren’t.”

  “I know. It’s not fair.” Jason remained behind him, and Kale was grateful. It was easier to speak freely when he didn’t have to see Jason.

  “Did you know that, until last night, I didn’t even know if I’d ever be capable of having sex again?”

  “That do
esn’t surprise me. I doubt you had much energy for it.”

  “No. It seemed a waste of precious sleeping time, even if I could have summoned the desire. I was always with dozens of other slaves, yet I didn’t so much as learn another person’s name. I’d never felt so alone in my life.”

  Jason’s arms snaked around Kale’s waist and up his chest, wrapping him in a warm embrace as he rested his chin on Kale’s shoulder. Jason whispered in his ear, “I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

  Somehow bitterness couldn’t maintain its potency when Jason held him that way. In anyone else, the gesture could be interpreted as foreplay, a segue into the sex they both desired. In Jason, though, it had nothing to do with sex. It was all about making love to Kale, and not in a carnal sense. Jason was going to make love to Kale here in this room, whether they had sex or not.

  “I feel lured here.” Kale honestly didn’t know if the apprehension he felt was from fear or hope.

  “Don’t. This is my most private place in the house—besides the study—and I wanted to share it with you. We don’t have to have sex.”

  “Oh, we’re having sex. If you’re going to make me face up to my feelings and all that other shit, I’m sure as fuck getting laid.”

  Jason guffawed, moving away from Kale to avoid hurting his ear. All Kale could think was that he wanted Jason’s body near, preferably without clothes.

  “Fair enough. That sounds like the Kale I know.” Jason took off his shirt and sat on the bed to remove his shoes.

  Seeing Jason’s flawless skin, all Kale wanted to do was touch it, knowing from experience it would be as soft and smooth as it looked. All he wanted was to touch with fingers, tongue. Every part of him needed to be touching some part of Jason. However, that flawless skin only served to remind Kale of the marred flesh on his back.

  Yesterday, Jason hadn’t seen it as he performed fellatio. Kale had spent hours looking at the scarred mess in the mirror. He knew it was enough to turn a man’s stomach. Any desire Jason felt was sure to wither when brought face to face with the new reality of Kale’s body.