She jumped and sloshed coffee over the rim of her mug as the doorbell rang. Setting the mug on the kitchen table, she steeled herself for her final goodbye to Tanner.
As usual, he was clad in a pair of tight jeans and a navy T-shirt that deepened the impossible blue of his eyes. The sight of him created a deep ache in her heart, an ache she’d never experienced before.
“She’s not here,” she said without preamble. “She told me to tell you she loves you, but she’s tired of fighting with you and she’s not returning to Foxrun.”
He stepped into the living room and muttered a curse beneath his breath. “I told her to be packed and ready to go.”
“And you thought it would be as easy as that? My, you are arrogant.”
He looked at her and frowned. “What bee crawled into your bonnet?”
“No bee,” she replied, and moved several steps back from him so she couldn’t smell his dear, familiar scent. “I just can’t believe that you issued a command and really expected Gina to comply just like that.”
“She knows I want her to come back to the ranch.”
“And when are you going to really listen to what she wants?” Colette’s anger with him sprang to the surface, although she wasn’t particularly angry with how he’d handled things with Gina, this was a perfect opportunity to vent some of that anger. “You’ve raised her to be strong and independent and to believe in herself. Why can’t you let her do that?”
“I will let her do that—when it’s time.” He shoved his hands in his pockets, frustration etched across his forehead.
“It’s time now, Tanner. You need to let her go.”
His frown of frustration deepened into a scowl. “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Yes, I do,” she retorted, and took another step back from him. “I know you’ve tried threats and bribes to get her to go back with you.” She narrowed her gaze. “And I know you played me like a fiddle to get me on your side so the two of us could force her into complying with your wishes.”
He pulled his hands out of his pockets and looked at her in confusion. “What do you mean I played you like a fiddle?”
Colette felt the burn of her cheeks. “All your flirting with me, all the sweet talk, all the kisses, it was all about manipulation.”
He stared at her for a long moment, and she thought she saw a faint touch of color appear in his cheeks. Guilt, she thought with a renewed burst of pain.
In three long strides he was mere inches from her. He took her by the shoulders and held tight when she twisted to get away from him. “Colette.” He said her name softly, then drew a deep breath. “I’ll admit that the first night we all went out to dinner, the idea of using you to get to Gina did cross my mind.”
Pain seared through Colette as he confirmed what Gina had told her. She twisted again, needing to get away from his touch, his nearness as tears suddenly burned at her eyes.
“But, honey, I promise you every kiss I gave you was about my desire, not Gina. Every caress I gave you was about my need, not Gina.” His expression was soft and gentle and she was more than a little frightened at how desperately she wanted to believe him.
“It doesn’t make any difference,” she replied, and this time when she turned her shoulders to escape his grasp, he released her.
She wanted to be angry with him, needed her anger to wrap her in a cocoon of ire where her hurt couldn’t reach her. And she wanted to make him mad. It would be so much easier if they parted acrimoniously—then perhaps telling him goodbye wouldn’t hurt so much.
“In fact, last night I officially made Gina my assistant manager and gave her a nice raise to go with the title,” she said.
His eyes darkened to the ominous shade of thunderclouds. “Why in the hell did you do that?”
Colette walked to the sofa and perched on the edge, ready to spring back up if necessary. “Because she deserved it. In the time she has been working for me, she’s proven herself to be responsible and trustworthy. She’s bright and hardworking and you need to let her go.”
Tanner raked a hand through his hair, his frustration obvious in the tension that rolled off him. “You could have worked with me on this.”
“Sorry, your kisses weren’t good enough to make me put my personal beliefs aside.” She folded and unfolded her hands in her lap, wanting to end this discussion for good.
She needed him to get out of her apartment, away from her before her tears began to fall. “You know what I think?” She didn’t wait for his response. “I think you want Gina home with you because you’re afraid.”
“Afraid? That’s ridiculous,” he scoffed.
“I don’t think it’s ridiculous. If you don’t have Gina at the ranch then all you have left is your own life, and according to Gina, you don’t have much of one.”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he exclaimed, and took a step toward where she was seated.
She tensed, but continued. “Oh, I think I do. You’ve built your entire world around her and you’re afraid to let her go because you have nothing and nobody else in your life.”
“What do you know about it?” The storm clouds were back in his eyes and his voice was deep, with a sharp edge. “What do you know about loving somebody, caring about somebody? You’ve closed yourself up so tight you refuse to let anyone in your life. You’re as dysfunctional as your mother, incapable of loving anyone.”
“That’s not true.” She sprang up from the sofa.
“You told me yourself that you’d never had a serious relationship. You’re twenty-eight years old and you hide in your work. You sell baby things to women with families so you can live vicariously through them, but you never put your own heart on the line.”
“That’s not true,” she exclaimed vehemently. “Just because I don’t need a man doesn’t mean I won’t have my own family and it doesn’t mean I’m incapable of loving.”
He smiled thinly. “If you intend to have a family, then I would bet that sooner or later you are going to need a man.”
“Not in this day and age,” she fired back. “In fact, it’s very possible that I’m pregnant right now.”
He looked stunned. “I don’t understand,” he finally said. “How is that possible?”
“A month ago I was artificially inseminated.”
Her words were met with thick, heavy silence. She looked away from the censure in his eyes. The anger that she’d so desperately tried to maintain dissipated, leaving behind only a heart filled with pain.
“How could you do that?” he asked with a touch of incredulity. “How could you consciously make the decision to condemn a child to a life without a father?”
He stalked over to her and once again took her by the shoulders, forcing her to look into the eyes that radiated not only deep disapproval but pain, as well.
“Colette, you know what it was like to grow up without a father, and I will miss my father every day for the rest of my life. How could you consciously make a decision to give a child that same sort of emptiness?”
“I can be enough,” she said, and raised her chin defiantly. “This baby is going to have all the love I never had.”
“That baby will never be able to fill up the holes your mother left in your heart.” He released her and stepped back. “I feel sorry for that baby and I feel sorry for you.”
“Get out,” she demanded, angry tears scalding her cheeks as they fell. “I don’t need anything from you, Tanner Rothman, especially not your pity.”
“Don’t worry, I’m going,” he said as he headed toward the door. “But I have one more thing to say to you. You know, Colette, you’re never going to be able to fill up the emptiness inside you if you don’t admit that you need someone.”
“And I have one more thing to say to you,” she replied, some of the anger gone from her voice. “You raised Gina in your own image. You raised her to be strong and capable and self-assured. Trust in what you did with her and let her go.”
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For a long moment he gazed at her, and in his eyes she saw something warm and wonderful. She fought the impulse to throw herself into his arms, to tell him that she’d already discovered the need inside herself and she needed him.
“Goodbye, Tanner,” she said, and kept her gaze on him steady and strong, not wanting him to see the devastating emotions that filled her.
He turned and grabbed the doorknob and without looking back at her murmured a goodbye, then left the apartment.
Colette felt as if her heart was shattering. She felt it breaking into a million little pieces, and the pain forced a cry from the depths of her.
She sank back down on the sofa, half-blinded by the tears that filled her eyes. She hadn’t been looking to fall in love. She’d never desired to fall in love. But she had. With Tanner. And until this moment she hadn’t realized how desperately she’d wanted to be seated in the truck next to him when he returned to Foxrun.
She wept with grief over what might have been, then wept because for the first time she wondered if she really could be enough for the baby she might possibly be carrying.
It took over fifteen minutes for Tanner to retrieve his truck from the parking garage where he had parked it when he’d first arrived into town.
As he waited for the attendant to retrieve it, he leaned against the office building. The air smelled of tires, oil and exhaust, but his thoughts were strictly on the woman he’d just walked away from.
Damn her for twisting his certainties into doubts, for making him question answers he’d believed he’d possessed. He scuffed a boot against the asphalt, wondering why her parting words had pierced through him like arrows of truth.
Had he been hanging on to Gina because he’d been afraid to face the emptiness of his life without her? Had it been fear for her that had driven him to come to Kansas City to bring her home or had it been fear for himself?
He had to admit there was a part of him that was proud of Gina for sticking to her guns and refusing to allow him to drag her where she didn’t want to go.
He was proud of how she had handled the attempted purse snatching. She’d done everything right. She’d had her purse looped around her neck where it couldn’t easily be plucked away from her. She’d screamed loudly for help, then she’d gone immediately to the police. She’d handled the entire incident extremely well.
A squeal of tires indicated the imminent arrival of his truck. Within minutes he’d paid the attendant and pulled out of the downtown parking garage.
Immediately he turned on the radio, hoping to drown out his thoughts. However, even Garth Brooks and his friends in low places couldn’t keep her out of his head.
Colette. Her name resounded inside him. The memory of her in his arms tormented him. The sound of her laughter rang in his heart.
He couldn’t believe the lengths she’d gone to in order to create a family for herself. Artificial insemination. How could she have even considered such a thing? Artificial insemination was fine for women who were married and had found the normal route of getting pregnant impossible. But Tanner had never understood why single women would make a conscious choice to parent alone.
It’s none of my business, he told himself firmly. She was none of his business. She was stubborn and fiercely independent and didn’t recognize the neediness inside herself.
Just like you, a small voice replied. “Shut up,” he muttered irritably to the tiny voice. He turned up the radio, took the entrance ramp for the interstate and headed west, home to Two Hearts.
Colette stood in her bathroom and pulled the pregnancy test out of the plastic shopping bag. Her fingers trembled as she opened the box and pulled out the test instrument and the directions.
She read the directions quickly, then looked at her reflection in the mirror over the sink. Her eyes were slightly swollen from her morning of tears and her pale face radiated the torment of heartbreak that ached inside her.
Tanner. Tanner. His name reverberated inside the chambers of her heart bringing with it an echo of pain each time it chimed inside her.
Why, why had he come into her life and given her a glimpse of what it would be like to be loved by him forever? Why had he shown her all the things she’d miss if she continued to choose a life alone?
She shook her head. She couldn’t think about that, she thought as she scanned the directions to the test one last time. She absolutely, positively couldn’t think about him.
Four weeks ago the only wish in her life had been to be pregnant, and she’d opted to become a single parent. At that time she’d been so certain that she was doing the right thing. Now she wasn’t so sure.
The things that Tanner had said to her had struck a chord deep inside her. Was she expecting a baby to fill the emptiness that her relationship with her mother had created inside her? If so, it was a huge bit of baggage to place on a baby.
Darn Tanner Rothman, anyway, she thought angrily. She’d been perfectly happy with her life before he came along. And now that life seemed so achingly empty.
Four weeks ago all she’d wanted was to be pregnant and run her shop, but that had been before she’d met him, before she’d fallen in love with him and had her heart broken into a million little pieces.
She stared down at the directions one last time. She’d bought the test she’d thought would be easiest to read. Within three minutes either a plus or minus sign would appear in the test window. Plus meant pregnant. Minus meant not pregnant.
Simple. Easy. Except that since she’d met Tanner, her life had suddenly become complicated and she wasn’t sure anymore exactly what she wanted.
Deciding she could put it off no longer, she took the test, then set it on the counter and prepared to wait the three minutes.
Only seconds had passed when the doorbell rang. Probably Gina, Colette thought. She often forgot her key. With a quick glance of the test stick, which showed nothing, Colette left her bathroom, went through her bedroom and opened the front door.
“Tanner!” she gasped in surprise.
“We need to talk,” he said, and walked into the apartment without invitation. He sat on the sofa and gazed at her expectantly.
“I think we’ve said all we need to say to each other,” she replied, fighting to inject coolness into her tone.
“Maybe you did, but I didn’t say everything I need to say to you. Come here.” He patted the sofa next to him.
She didn’t want to sit next to him. She desperately wanted to sit next to him. She closed the door, then folded her arms over her chest and remained where she stood.
“If you intend to lecture me about my life, then you can just get right off my sofa and head back out of town,” she said.
She unfolded her arms and began to pace in front of where he sat, unable to stand still. “I know you’re a traditional man and you disapprove of everything about me, but that doesn’t mean you have a right to tell me how much you disapprove of me and my lifestyle.”
“I didn’t come back here to tell you that.” He leaned forward and raked a hand through his hair. “You were right, you know.”
She stopped pacing and looked at him in surprise. “Right about what?”
“About me not wanting to let go of Gina despite the fact that it’s time to do just that. You were right when you said I’d raised her to be strong and independent and now it’s time to step back and let her be.” He stood. “Of course, that doesn’t mean I’m not going to worry about her and I’m not going to continue to be a large part of her life.”
“I’m glad, Tanner, but you didn’t have to come back here just to tell me that.” Looking at him again just renewed the pain in her heart. Why was he here? Had he truly no idea how just seeing him again tormented her?
“Dammit, Colette,” he said suddenly, surprising her. He swiped a hand through his hair once again then took several steps toward her. “I didn’t come back here to talk about Gina. I was all set to head back home and get on with my life.”
“So why didn
’t you?” She fought against the tears that once again threatened, tears she’d thought she’d depleted where he was concerned.
“I couldn’t,” he exclaimed, a touch of anger in his voice. “I tried. I cranked up the radio and hit the interstate heading west, but I couldn’t get you out of my head.”
Again she looked at him in surprise. “What are you talking about?” she asked, disturbed by the soft vulnerability in her own voice.
“I’m talking about the fact that somehow, some way, you’ve managed to crawl inside me.” His eyes were the deepest blue she’d ever seen them. “When I take a breath, I think of your scent. I hear your laughter in my ears, feel your skin beneath my fingertips.”
She sat in one of the chairs, unsure her legs would hold her any longer as she heard the words fall from his lips.
He walked over and stood directly in front of her chair, his gorgeous eyes deep blue and intense. “I don’t know how this happened,” he said, his tone filled with frustration. “This was supposed to be a simple trip to the city to get Gina to come home, but from the moment I first laid eyes on you, nothing has been simple.”
A sweet warmth fluttered through her as she realized that apparently Gina had been wrong. Tanner hadn’t just kissed her to get her on his side. He hadn’t held her in his arms just to manipulate her.
“As crazy as it sounds, in the past two weeks I’ve managed to fall head over heels in love with you. And to be honest with you, the whole thing really makes me mad.” He glared at her, as if his emotional turmoil was all her fault.
He loved her. Joy filled her up, but it was a joy tempered with a dose of heartbreaking reality. “Mad?” she asked. “Why?”
“Because you live here and have a business to run. You’ve made it clear that you believe you don’t need me, that you don’t need anyone.” His voice broke, and in the depths of his eyes she saw a heartbreak to rival her own.
What If I'm Pregnant...? Page 12
