by Havana Scott
“Thank you, Aaron. Three-point-seven.” My smile could kill him.
The class titters, though Eckler is not amused. “Go on. Miss Verano only, please, if she wants to save her participation grade.”
Oh, fuck. That’s just great. Thanks, Eckler. “I, uh…okay…you’d also have to change the drivetrain to in-line to allow for more space and torque. Oh, and change the arm to a reverse double four bar to allow it to go higher. That’s basically it.”
Yeah. I sigh and hope for the best.
To my surprise, Eckler says, “Fantastic,” and jots something on his clipboard. “Great design, team. Anybody want to add anything or have any questions?” He scans the room, and a few students raise their hands, but Aaron, Gunther, and Parker field all the questions. I’m completely upstaged, even by Gunther right now.
I feel like I’m going to throw up. I sidle up to Professor Eckler. “I’m sorry I was late,” I whisper. “I’m not feeling well this morning. May I go use the restroom?”
“Verano, I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, but you have too much on the line. As it is, I should give you a C for participation for that shoddy last-minute thing you did, but I can’t because you were totally right. I suggest you stay focused between now and the end of the semester in two weeks or you may not get that invitation you’re hoping for.”
“Sir?”
“The Tesla invite? Only a few of you will be getting it, and you know you’re in a great position. Now, go and come back promptly.”
“Thank you, sir.” I run off to use the restroom. Yes, I’m one of the few students expected to get that internship invitation, and while everyone thinks I will because my father works there, I still have to earn the perfect GPA to be considered. Hence my whole fucking stress this semester.
I can’t get a C. I just can’t. Maybe Roman isn’t so good for me after all.
After class, I bullet out of the lab and head straight for the lake to clear my head before my next class. I’m teetering on the edge of failure. In programs like mine, you can’t lose your train of thought. Every moment of your day should be spent studying and optimizing your performance. And sometimes, you just need time to yourself.
My plan is thwarted, however. Jilly catches up to me. “Hey…”
I don’t slow down. “Sorry, I just need to go sit down.”
“Are you okay? You haven’t been acting the same, Alice.”
“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t you think so?”
“Because you’ve been late twice since you started seeing that therapist, and now you almost blew your final presentation of the summer. You’re playing with fire, you know that?”
I stop and face her. “Playing with fire? You don’t know the first thing about what I’m doing.”
“You’re right, I don’t, because you don’t talk about it. Whatever’s going on, it’s all so clandestine when it doesn’t need to be. You can talk to me about anything, but I never see you anymore. Should I look for a new roommate?”
“What? No.” I keep huffing through the grass until I find a shady spot. The heat is drier than hell itself, and I’m so glad I’ll be out of this town in a few weeks. But what about Roman?
Jilly is relentless. “I know you’re seeing Dr. Lee still, and I don’t know how others know, too, but they do. A few people have mentioned that he’s seeing a student, but they don’t know it’s you.”
“And let’s keep it that way.” Though I’m starting to have my suspicions. I’ve seen that girl from the parking lot in the Student Union plenty of times.
“Alice…”
“Yes?” I know she’s staring at me. She wants answers, but I just don’t have any right now. I barely have control of my own situation. How am I supposed to explain it to Jilly?
“You can’t hide in the shadows forever. If you guys are getting serious, then you should come clean. It’s not against the law for him to date a student here, I don’t think, but I’m pretty sure it’s a violation of his license to be your therapist if you guys are hooking up. And from the way it seems so secretive—”
“He’s not.”
“He’s not your therapist, or he’s not fucking you?” She props a fist to her hip.
Ripping a blade of grass, I split it in half and toss it. “He’s not my therapist. Look, what does it matter to you anyway? It’s private, and I know what I’m doing. I don’t need anybody worrying over me. I’m not too involved.”
“Let me guess, you can quit at any time?” Jilly scoffs. I say nothing, and she goes on. “I’m just worried about you. I miss you. We used to hang out, but ever since you met this guy, he totally monopolizes you. Seriously, if things are legit, then go wide. Be open. No secrets. Come out tonight. I’ll be at Taco Paco with Gunther.”
“Why don’t you fuck Gunther already and get it over with? I know you like him.”
Her mouth opens like it’s such a shock, but there’s nothing secretive about it. She creams her panties every time he’s around. He’s not very good in bed, but maybe Jilly doesn’t have much to compare to. Might not matter.
“If I’m honest, it’s because he still loves you.” Ouch. Guilt trip—as in, a whole month-long European guilt trip. Is she resentful because Gunther still likes me? How is that my fault? I was clear with him about my intentions from the beginning. She can have him anytime.
“Well, that’s too bad,” I say.
“Alice, I just want to see you again. Soon, we’ll be gone. Graduated. Out of here. We’re gonna go separate ways, and then you’ll just be that college roommate I used to have.”
“That’s not true. We’ll always be friends.”
“Maybe we will, maybe we won’t. But it doesn’t change the fact that I miss hanging out with you. I miss our talks. Come out tomorrow night. Bring your male-model boyfriend. I don’t care. As long as I get to see you. And maybe that’s what Gunther needs to see—his girl with another man.”
“Sure, that’ll go over well.”
She smiles, and I’m so glad we’re still friends. For a moment there, I thought this wouldn’t end well. “I have to go. Don’t stay out here too long. It’s hot and there’s no one around. Okay? Promise me.”
“I promise.”
Once she’s gone, I let my head drop and the stupid tears come. Silently at first, slipping out of my eyes without permission. I hate crying. I hate being weak, but no one’s around. Have I gone too far down the rabbit hole? Jilly’s right—I’ve been spending too much time with Roman, but isn’t that a good thing when I was so scared to date anyone just six weeks ago? Wouldn’t Dr. Lee call this progress?
Gunther and Jilly both seem to think that Roman’s going to hurt me, but they don’t know him the way I do. They don’t hear what I hear, see what I see, or feel what I feel. Even so, what happens to us after graduation? I’m not staying in Tucson. He talked about moving to California, but even then, I won’t be near him. Have I hit a wall? Sure seems like it.
Wiping tears away, I think about how stupidly I’ve handled this. I could’ve gotten his phone number when we first met then gone out with him after graduation. I could’ve not acted impulsively, seen him as my therapist, and been a perfectly well-adjusted young woman by now.
But no. I had to get emotionally involved. I can’t imagine not seeing those crinkly, emerald eyes smiling at me or that sexy, five-o-clock shadow at precisely five-o-clock, or those hands—those manly hands around mine, or those lips bringing salvation. I’ve broken the only defense mechanism I have to protect my heart, and now it’s out in the open.
Face it, Alice, your relationship was fucked from the start. You formed it out of nothing. You took a one-night stand and tried to forge a love relationship out of it. You did things ass-backwards, and now you’re going to pay the price.
“There she is…”
Who’s there? I turn around and spot Aaron and Parker coming down the little knoll my way. What are they doing here? They never talk to me after class. I gather my things and act like I was
just leaving. No way am I in the mood for condescending crap right now. “Hey, sorry I was late to class,” I make my apologies, “and sorry I took off. Just dealing with some stuff.”
“Not cool, Alice. We could easily have failed that project because you weren’t there.”
“We’re not going to fail it. Eckler was impressed.”
“He may have been impressed with the design but not with your dedication to the team. Anyone can see you’re not into it. Then again, that’s what we get for having a sexually confident woman on our team.”
“Excuse me?”
“Well, it’s true, isn’t it? Most of us make sacrifices. In order to graduate with top honors, we give up having a personal life, we sacrifice socialization, we sacrifice normal things other people take for granted, like having a boyfriend or girlfriend. Am I right?”
“Please, Aaron,” I scoff. “Don’t blame school for your inability to find a girlfriend.”
A forced smile appears on his lips. “Funny. So, you’re saying you can handle it all—school and a boyfriend who’s too old for you, and everything that comes with it.”
“What? You’re fucking crazy, and I have to go.” I push past them, but Aaron grips my arm—hard. He’s way stronger than I imagined, and I get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. “Let go of me.”
“Can you handle it all, Alice?”
“Let go before I hit you,” I warn him, my body sounding an alarm, as I feel adrenaline rushing through my veins.
He doesn’t let go. He grips harder. “How many things can you take at once? Two? Three? One in every hole? You got two guys right here.” He grabs his crotch. My God, I’m going to throw up. He did not just say that. “Want to give it a shot?” He glances at Parker who can only stand there, kicking the grass, like he’s not a part of this. How can he listen to Aaron spew this bullshit and not defend me?
Where’s Gunther when I need him?
“Fuck off, both of you.” I yank my arm from his grip and shove him in the bicep.
Aaron slides his index finger in his mouth and pulls it out, as though he’s just finger-fucked me and licked it clean. “No, you fuck off, Alice. Stop making Eckler feel like he has to kiss female ass to avoid being labeled sexist. Get out of the way, and let real men save the day.”
“Real men already have. I’m talking about me, of course.” I pound the hell out of there, heading toward the Student Union where there’s people and power in numbers. I never should’ve come out here by myself. My heart pulses inside my throat.
I have no fucking clue what that was about. I can’t believe Aaron would say such things to me, and I’m not having it. Not today, Satan. NOT. TODAY.
16
ROMAN
“Can we go out tonight?”
It’s a simple question, but I pause. It shouldn’t be this way. She deserves someone who can unequivocally say, “Sure, let’s do it.” Someone who can kiss her in public and make her feel good about her choice of man, someone better for her, or nobody at all.
“Where do you want to go?” I ask, unflinching gaze on the road. I’m scared to look in her eyes and let on that something inside of me has changed.
Alice fidgets in the passenger seat. She’s been fidgeting since we left campus. Maybe I should get her one of those fidget spinners. “I don’t know. Taco Paco or something?”
“Blondie, half the school goes to Taco Paco. You know that’s not the best choice.”
“Fine, then anywhere else. I don’t care.” Her fingertips come up, and she begins gnawing on her nails. “Besides, we don’t have to go out as a couple, just as friends. Two people.”
Just six weeks ago, she didn’t want to know me even as a friend, and I broke her will, made her disembark that philosophy boat. Now, I almost wish I hadn’t tampered with it.
“You’re thinking you don’t want to, aren’t you?” She studies her nails, bites the edges, then looks out the window. “You’re thinking if you take me to a bar, then the students will see us, and if you take me to one of your places, then faculty will see us.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to. I know what worries you.” Her smile is a thin-lipped line.
I can’t argue with her there. Still, Blondie wants to go out. It wouldn’t be a big deal to grab a drink, and man, do I need one. I’d do anything to see her smashed, laughing her ass off.
“Fine, let’s hang and watch people,” I say. “Without PDA, like you said.”
We arrive at Taco Paco, which is teeming with summer students, but the moment we walk in, I feel Alice’s talons sink into my arm. “Actually,” she says, her laser vision on someone across the room. “Ugh, they’re here. Let’s go somewhere else.”
“Who’s here?”
“I’ll tell you later.”
I wish we could throw caution to the wind. Just say screw it and be the power couple we could be if I wasn’t so fucking hesitant to love her. Kiss her, hold her hand in public. But the world doesn’t work that way, especially when you’re in my position, so we end up a few doors down from Taco Paco. It’s a country music place where every guy wears a hat and belt buckle and every girl wears a tank top or midriff. I highly doubt any of my colleagues would be here, but I avoid touching Alice just in case.
Settling onto two stools at the bar, Alice uses her fake ID to order a beer, a thing that still makes me cringe, considering I’m supposed to be older, wiser, and guiding her. I order my regular Jack & Coke. She chugs a third of the glass in one serving then sets it down like it weighs fifty pounds.
“It’s a beer not a barbell.” I shake my head. “Anything you want to talk about?”
Inhaling a deep breath, I see something in her expression I’ve actually never seen. Her bottom lip quivers, as she chews on the inside of it. She’s been doing such a great job of letting go these last few weeks that I almost forgot her original “school stress” and “detachment” issues.
“Blondie? What’s up?” I sip my drink and behold the two blue swimming pools she has for eyes.
“I nearly blew my presentation today,” she says, taking a drink napkin and ripping little pieces off it. “I arrived late and my professor told me he almost had to give me a failing grade.”
“Wow, sorry about that, hon. I guess you need to make sure to wake up earlier from now on. If you want…” I don’t know how to say this without sounding like I’m pawning her off, but this might be the perfect excuse to put some distance between us. “Why don’t you go back to sleeping at your place? Just for a while. Until school is over, you know? That way, you’re closer to class, you won’t be late, and I won’t be distracting you.”
Alice studies me with a built-in fucking zoom lens.
This girl is not stupid. “You want me to start sleeping at my place again,” she says matter-of-factly.
“No. Well, sort of. I mean, I’m suggesting a solution, that’s all.”
“Why?”
“Blondie, you just told me the issue you’re having, and I’m trying to come up with a solution for you.”
“I didn’t want a solution. I only wanted you to listen.” Her gaze burns right through me. Would it be unethical to make her finish the rest of that beer before continuing this conversation? I need some slack.
“I’m sorry then. I’ll just listen. Go ahead.”
She eyes me one more time before sucking in some air and letting it out in a rush. “And then, after robotics and our presentation, something happened…” At this, she looks away and a layer of gloss forms over her eyes. I don’t like the stab in my chest just then. It’s not school or detachment or anything like that. It’s something else entirely. “That guy I told you about? Aaron? The one I have this stupid battle of the sexes going on in lab?”
“What about him?” I’m filled with anger, all of a sudden, and she hasn’t even told me yet what happened.
“He followed me after class. I knew he’d be pissed about me being late, so I took off quickly before he co
uld catch up to me. For a while, I didn’t see him, but then, he found me sitting by the lake. You know where I sit sometimes?”
Where I first saw her lying in the grass looking absolutely stunning like a sun goddess of love and beauty. Oh, sure. “Yes. What happened?”
She shakes her head and downs the rest of the beer. The bartender looks at me, inquiring as to whether she might want another one, but I give him the cut-off sign. “He was rude to me.” There’s more she’s not telling me, and maybe she’s right to be reserved. Because I already feel like punching this guy’s throat and I haven’t even heard the whole story. “Are you sure you want to hear this?” Alice examines my demeanor, unsure of what to expect.
“What did he do to you?” My fist grips my tumbler so hard, I almost crack it.
“He didn’t do anything. But he was a dick to me, said a bunch of sexist, stupid things, while his friend, Parker, stood there doing nothing.”
“There were two of them?” Seriously? Two fuckers corner a lone woman by the lake. Great, two sets of teeth I’m going to have to break.
“Yes.”
“What did he say to you?” I ask.
“It doesn’t matter. He won’t follow through. He’s just trying to intimidate me…”
“What did he say, Blondie?” I demand to know. She can’t just bring this up and expect me not to want to hear the whole thing and solve her problem.
She waves her hand. “He said he makes sacrifices, whereas I just get handed preferential treatment because I’m a girl, and then he said a bunch of stupid guy things…”
“What things, Blondie?”
“Ugh. I shouldn’t have told you anything. Roman, you can’t say or report anything.”
“Why not?”
“Because if we do, then it’ll end up getting investigated by the college, and it’ll just turn into his word against mine, it’ll become a legal thing, and I can’t be in the position to not graduate right now over this.” She looks at me so earnestly, I almost calm my bulldog brain down. “I know you want to defend me, but seriously, it wasn’t a big deal.”
