The following week, Diana headed back into Dr. Herrera’s office. Dr. Herrera wore a holiday sweater; not the kind that wound up in ugly sweater contests, but a beautiful ski-style wool sweater. They exchanged Christmas pleasantries before Dr. Herrera dug in.
“So, Diana. We were talking about how ‘casual’ things were with Asher.” She smiled.
Diana laughed. “By casual, I meant that we were having sex when we weren’t in any kind of committed relationship.”
“Of course. But I point this out because you keep saying things to convey that the relationship wasn’t ‘a big deal,’ that it wasn’t worth mentioning. I think it was a big deal, and I think you both knew it that night you went to Arches, and that’s why things felt different afterward.”
Diana sighed in exasperation. “Why does that matter? Why couldn’t it just be two people fucking?”
“Because fucking is just that, you fuck and that’s it. At best, it feels physically satisfying but nothing more. At worst, it feels empty the moment after you climax. But that’s not what happened. Both of you faced unfamiliar feelings.”
Diana gave a wry laugh. “Yeah, he was surprised that I’m not the good girl he thought I was.”
“Maybe you aren’t the good girl you thought you were.”
“That was temporary insanity. I haven’t changed.”
“Haven’t you?”
Diana threw up her hands. “What does this have to do with anything?”
“What happened after you had sex that night?”
Diana, wishing they could just change the subject, quickly told Dr. Herrera about their stargazing and their quiet drive back. “I thought he needed space and told him to drive me to Mel’s, but he got kind of pissy about it. He wanted me to come to his house.”
“You gave him an easy out and he refused. Doesn’t sound like a man who needed space to me.”
“Okay, so he cared about me more than I gave him credit for. But he more or less said as much when he visited my office.”
“I don’t think he just cared for you, Diana. I think he loved you.”
“That doesn’t change the fact that he can’t give me what I need. Guys like him are risky. You don’t marry guys like Asher.”
“Why not?”
“Because I want marriage and kids. I want a normal life.”
“You say that, but right now I see a woman who looks exhausted every time she sees that pile of folders, when most women would devour them. You’re wishing you could forgo the formal wedding and elope, you’re talking about traveling to Third World countries, and the sight of yourself in a wedding dress sends you into a panic attack, despite even your wedding-phobic friend thinking you looked gorgeous in it.”
“So?”
“So, you sound more like Asher’s ideal partner than Matthew’s.”
Diana stared at Dr. Herrera. “What?”
“These are very different men. Matthew is traditional—he wants marriage and a traditional wedding and traditional roles. He wants regular sex in a bed with him on top and he wants to travel to some Americanized resort at most. Asher is unconventional—he’s eschewed traditional marriage and doesn’t want the picket fence. He engages in a risky sport, he likes wild sex in strange places, and he travels the Third World without second thought.”
“Right. And?”
“You’ve wanted a traditional life with a traditional man, but now that you’re close to getting it, you’re panicked. But you seemed right at home in Red Rim Valley, on your bike and having great sex and falling for a man who isn’t at all traditional.”
Diana sat there for a minute, the power of Dr. Herrera’s unexpected words settling on her. “Even if you’re right, which I’m not convinced you are, this is a guy who doesn’t want marriage. Even if I blew off marriage, I know for a fact I want kids.”
“Asher wants kids.”
Diana rolled her eyes. “Asher doesn’t want his lifestyle hampered by kids. He said so.”
Dr. Herrera gave one of her inscrutable smiles. “Is that why he drove all the way to your office? To tell you he can’t give you what he knows you want more than anything? Is that why he went all caveman on you when he saw your engagement ring?”
“You know how it is, Dr. Herrera! When you love someone, you convince yourself you want what they want. He wants me, so he convinces himself that he wants kids.”
“You mean like Matthew has.”
Diana’s anger flared. “That’s not fair. Matthew’s willing to have kids for me because he knows how important that is to me.”
“How do you know Asher is any different?”
Diana just sat there, hardly believing what she was hearing. She’d come to Dr. Herrera to gain insight as to why she’d panicked and how to work through it. And all her therapist had done is throw a giant monkey wrench into everything.
“I’m not trying to make things more difficult, Diana,” she said, as if reading her thoughts. “Regardless of what decision you make about these men, I think it’s too soon to plan a wedding. I think you need to take some time to reconsider what you want for your life. You were raised in a very traditional home and you inherited traditional values. But maybe those values aren’t your true values.”
Diana rested her head in her hands, suddenly very tired. “I came here to get answers, Doctor Herrera, but now I feel more confused than ever.”
“We can meet again and work through this. But I’m going to give you a homework assignment to work on over the New Year. I want you to sit down and write down everything you want from life—your work, where you live, where you’ll travel, who you want to spend your life with, how many children you want, everything. Pretend that there are no obstacles, that you can have anything at all, and that your friends, your family, and Matthew will be one hundred percent supportive. What would that life look like? Write it all down, and then we can discuss what you come up with next time.”
“Do I really have to do this?”
“I really want you to.”
Diana sighed. “Okay.”
Once Diana got home from Dr. Herrera’s office, she poured herself a glass of wine, yanked some paper out of a spiral notebook, and sat down to write.
Anything she wanted. No obstacles, no disapproval.
She sipped her wine, struggling at first. Then she thought of the easy things, the things she’d always wanted. Kids, three or even four, if possible. To leave the school system and open her own practice someday. To ride her bike on every trail imaginable that allowed bikes on it, and maybe even some that didn’t.
Then, warmed up to the exercise, Diana wrote a few more things. She wanted her endometriosis to heal and the pain to stop. She wanted to try raw oysters. She wanted to move away from Grand Junction, even if just for a year, just to see what it was like.
Suddenly, ideas began to flow like crazy as she pushed away any practical considerations and began to write and write, recording every whim and wish she’d ever imagined. Find a better sports bra. Drink absinthe. See the Serengeti and Tierra del Fuego and Vietnam and the Northern Lights. Skinny dip naked in the moonlight with the man she loved.
Well into her second glass of wine, Diana’s scribblings got more creative. She wanted to tell the entire school and town that Harrington’s dad abused him, and watch his father cower in humiliation as everyone saw him for the asshole he was. She wanted to tell David Turnbull’s father that he was an insensitive jerk, to quit blaming the education system for his kid’s behavior, and to start acting like a father who cared about his son rather than a disciplinarian who punished transgressions. She wanted to tell her parents that it was NOT okay that they questioned her getting a PhD instead of getting married young, that she no longer cared for their religion, and that their old-fashioned views about women and men were backward and downright stupid. And she wanted to try anal sex… just once! Just to see what it felt like!
Diana went on and on until her hand grew tired from writing. And finally, her second glass of wine
emptied and a third one poured, her petite lightweight self no longer recognizing filters, limitations, rules, or fears of any kind, Diana wrote down one last thing.
I want a life with Asher.
Chapter Twenty-Four
The morning of New Year’s Eve, Diana sipped her hot tea. She kept stroking her left ring finger.
How naked it felt without the diamond solitaire ring. Just when she’d gotten used to wearing it on her finger, it now felt strange without it. Strange, but right.
She’d met with Matthew and returned the ring. Tears fell when she said the necessary words, and they fell harder when she saw Matthew’s reaction. He’d fought back tears, and Matthew never cried. She hated hurting him, especially after he’d done so much to become the man she’d wanted. The man she’d thought she wanted.
After she said goodbye for the last time, Diana felt terrible for Matthew. All the efforts he made to change, to go to therapy and work on himself. But she quickly realized that maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. The problems he’d had, particularly the sexual problems, would strain any relationship. His motivation to improve himself hadn’t paid off with her, but it would with the right woman. And he would find that right woman. That she knew, without a doubt.
Her parents didn’t take it well, especially her mother. She wasn’t angry, but Diana could hear the disappointment and disapproval in her voice. She was thirty-five and not married! She was getting older and soon wouldn’t be able to have kids! What would become of her? Diana resisted the urge to snap at her mother, and just told her the truth: she didn’t know what would become of her, but she wasn’t going to spend her life living someone else’s values.
The worst was telling Matt Jr. and Cole. Matt began to cry and Cole clammed up and refused to speak or hug her. She told them she loved them both very much and that she loved their father too, but that marriage was serious business and she didn’t think she was the best woman for their dad. They didn’t understand, but she knew they would someday, when their father met the right woman.
And here she was, on the brink of a new year. Other than her alcohol-induced crazy list, Diana didn’t know what she wanted. She didn’t know what was even possible. She only knew that she didn’t want the life that Matthew could give her. The rest she’d have to figure out later.
Yes, kids were an issue. She was thirty-five. But she’d had Stage 4 endometriosis for years anyway, so maybe natural childbirth wasn’t her path. There were other options. Even Asher had told her that an adoption agency would see her credentials and give her all the kids she wanted. Maybe she would begin looking into that in the New Year.
But first, she needed to settle one thing.
Diana got cleaned up, packed up her Jeep, and took off.
When Mel opened her door, her eyes grew wide. “Oh my God! D!” She threw her arms around Diana and hugged her tight. “What are you doing here?”
“Sorry to drop in unannounced. I wanted to say Happy New Year.”
Mel did a little happy dance. “You coming to the brewery tonight?” she said, letting Diana inside. “It’s going to be crazy fun. And what are your plans? Are you staying for a few days?”
“I didn’t really make plans. But I’ll probably need a couch for tonight, if that’s okay.”
“Of course it’s okay!”
Mel followed Diana back down to her Jeep. She carried Diana’s bag and Diana lugged her bike up the stairs and set it down next to Mel’s.
Mel glanced at Diana’s left hand, her eyes widening. “No ring. You called it off?” When Diana nodded, Mel looked a little sad. “Sorry, D.”
Diana shook her head. “It’s okay. You were right, Mel. He’s a good man, but he wasn’t the guy for me. I’m starting to wonder if I’m not the traditional type after all.”
Mel scoffed at that. “Duh. You’re like a total wild woman. A wild woman with a PhD and a real job, but underneath all that is a woman who can’t live behind a picket fence.”
Diana laughed. “You think?”
“Hell yes! Maybe that’s why I never liked Matthew. He held you back!” Then Mel’s smiled faded. “Does Ash know you’re here?”
“No. I think he hates me.”
“No, he doesn’t. He cared about you, more than I gave him credit for. After you told me about that fight you guys had at Starlight, it finally made sense. He got so quiet after that, and that dude’s never quiet.”
Diana never told Mel about Asher visiting her in Junction, and it sounded like Ash didn’t mention it either. “Can I buy you lunch? Thai food?”
“I’d love some.”
Later in the afternoon, Mel started getting ready for her shift.
“So you’re coming tonight, right?” Mel said. “We have gluten-free stuff, you know, and you can hang out and get hammered with us! It’s really fun, I promise.”
Diana nodded. “Sounds good. I have to take care of a few things first, though.”
“Cool. Just show up when you can. I’ll save you a chair.”
“Thanks, sweetie.”
As darkness set in and Mel went off to work, Diana put on her down coat and sweater cap and ventured out into the crisp desert night.
Despite the pain of what happened last time she was in Red Rim, being back there brought peace to Diana’s soul. The tall red cliffs, the outdoorsy locals in fleece and hiking boots, and even a few diehards on their bikes, cruising to get some dinner and enjoy the New Year. That was another thing she loved about Red Rim. The locals didn’t piss and moan about riding in the cold. They just wore the proper gear and went out anyway.
Diana passed the t-shirt shops and the indie bookstore and the cute restaurants. Soon, she arrived at Red Rim Cycles and peeked in the window. She recognized J.T., who was futzing with a bike. Suddenly, Diana’s heart started pounding. She hesitated for a moment before telling herself to go inside.
J.T. looked up when he heard the door. He stared for a few moments, as if trying to remember who she was. “Hey,” he finally said.
“Hey, J.T. How are you?”
“Oh, just getting ready to close up and head to the brewery.”
Diana nodded. “Is Asher around?” Her voice sounded so quiet, like she could barely get the words out. She began to wonder if she was making a big mistake, but it was too late to back out now.
J.T. shook his head. “He’s not here.”
Diana took a deep breath to calm her anxiety, hoping J.T. couldn’t see her inner turmoil. “Do you happen to know where he is?”
“He’s gone,” J.T. said, tightening the bolt to the bike’s seat.
“What do you mean, gone?”
J.T. shrugged. “He just left. He said he’ll be back tomorrow, but that’s all I know. He does that sometimes.”
“Thank you,” Diana replied, forcing a smile. “Happy New Year.”
“You too.”
When Diana left, she began walking back to Mel’s, doing her best to fight off her tears. She’d prepared for the possibility that Asher might give her the cold shoulder or even refuse to talk to her, but she hadn’t considered that he wouldn’t be there. She had things she needed to say to him. Important things. She’d practiced them in the car. And they were things she couldn’t say over the phone.
Diana shook her head. Just minutes ago, she’d been so nervous that she almost backed out. Now, she wanted more than anything to talk to him. And now that she wouldn’t get to, she felt terrible. He was probably off with some woman, and that’s why J.T. was so vague.
Shit!
She replayed J.T.’s words in her mind. He just left. He said he’ll be back tomorrow, but that’s all I know. He does that sometimes. If he’d been covering up Asher’s true location, why the detail about when he’ll return and that he does that sometimes?
Diana halted.
He does that sometimes.
He was up at Arches. He was at his secret getaway place, the place he went to escape.
Diana rushed back to Mel’s.
Diana
drove through Arches National Park, her hiking gear on and her pack filled with necessities, including her headlamp and cell phone. She would need the latter for navigation, as she was going to be hiking a trail that was poorly marked at best, and nonexistent at worst. One she’d hiked only once, in daylight, with Asher leading the way. Now, it was freezing cold, pitch dark, and she was alone.
It was idiotic, really.
But she had to do it. She had to try.
When she pulled into the parking lot and saw Asher’s truck, she sighed with relief. But then she realized there was only one other vehicle there. If she got lost, it could be a disaster.
And what if he didn’t want to see her? Or worse… what if he wasn’t alone? She would have to take that chance.
Her pack on, Diana set out on the trail. The moonlight offered more illumination than she could have hoped for, making her headlamp almost unnecessary. Up the trail she went, then up the giant slab, dodging the occasional patches of ice as she used her headlamp to search for trail cairns. Cold air froze inside her nostrils, and fog came out of her mouth as she exhaled, the exertion keeping her toasty warm in her windproof layers.
How beautiful it was. How peaceful. Even the stars had come out to greet her, and she hoped they brought Asher the same happiness they brought her.
Beyond the slab, Diana began trying to recall where Asher had turned off the trail. There was no way to tell in the darkness. She shined her light in the direction they’d gone. She spotted a ridge of tall rocks in the distance. That had to be the right rocks. If she could just find that rock they climbed up, she could find her way in.
She walked that way, every patch of sand and reddish rock looking like every other. She kept her light on the rock ridge. When she drew close to it, nothing looked familiar, and Diana began to get scared. Why hadn’t she paid more attention back then? She walked south along the edge of tall rocks, hoping to find that place they’d climbed. And then, there it was.
Wild Inside (Four Corners Book 2) Page 18
