by Jack Geurts
Sarah was a fine-looking woman, no question, and he didn’t doubt Pharaoh would be impressed with what he saw. In fact, Abe was counting on it. While Pharaoh was in bed with his wife, Abe was going to have her kill him and then he would seize power and become the next Pharaoh.
Fuck Canaan, he thought. Egypt’s where it’s at.
The plan was flawless.
All he had to do was carry it out.
As husband and wife are brought into the palace, Pharaoh looks Sarah up and down and says, “Not bad.”
They adjourn to his quarters and Sarah looks back at her husband like, “Are you seriously letting this happen?”
He just gives her two thumbs up like, “Everything’s going to plan.”
So Abe waits with Pharaoh’s guards while Pharaoh has sex with his wife. As payment, Abe is lavished with gold and oxen and donkeys and camels. And slaves – lots of slaves. He stands there like a plantation owner as the chained-up workers are brought in, evaluating each one in turn. He gives them either a nod of approval or dismisses them with a wave, like he’s been doing it for years.
He sits there counting his gold while Pharaoh grunts and moans in the next room. Sarah sounds like she’s having a pretty good time herself.
“Nice job selling the part, honey,” Abe mutters under his breath. He’s too distracted by gold and livestock – both human and otherwise – to detect that she’s probably having the best sex of her life.
That is, of course, right up until Pharaoh bursts out in hideous boils and crawls, screaming, from the room.
“What the fuck is going on?” screams Pharaoh. “Who is she?”
All the guards are breaking out in boils too, and Abe doesn’t know what to say. “She’s...my...sister...”
Sarah comes out wrapped in bedsheets and says, “I’m his wife, you asshole.”
The ‘asshole’ is directed more at Abe, but Pharaoh still orders them to be seized and thrown out into the street, telling them to get the fuck out of Egypt.
Sitting on their asses in the dust, Abe says, “I hope you realise that was all your fault. I could be ruling Egypt right now if it wasn’t for you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah, you. Why didn’t you use the ricin I gave you?”
“I didn’t get a chance.”
“What’d you use, then?”
“Nothing. I told you, I didn’t get a chance.”
“Then, what, he just burst out in boils all by himself?”
Sarah looks at him like he’s nuts. “What, you think I did that?”
“There was no one else in the room.”
“I suppose I poisoned all his guards too, then?”
Abe frowns, seeing the gap in his logic. Suddenly, he realises what’s happened.
God.
That motherfucker...
He goes back to the tavern-slash-brothel-slash-opium den to find God playing cards with Lot and Hagar.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Abe says.
Not looking up from the game, God’s like, “What’s it look like? I’m playing poker. Doing alright, too.”
“Back there, I mean.”
“I could ask you the same question, serving your own wife up like an appetiser.” He slides his chips forward and Hagar does the same. Lot folds.
“You told me she was barren,” Abe says. “How the fuck am I supposed to be the father of a great nation when my wife can’t even have a kid? Not to mention the nation’s as barren as she is. Whole goddamn place is in the middle of a fucking famine.”
“That won’t last,” says God, folding his own cards now as Hagar goes all-in. “I told you you could have Canaan. Not Egypt.”
“Can I trade?”
“No, you can’t trade.”
“Can I trade?” Sarah’s speaking now – not referring to Canaan, but her piece-of-shit husband who used her like a bargaining chip.
“Sorry,” God says, standing up and taking his cloak from the back of the chair. “You’re stuck with him. Now get the fuck out of here, all of you.”
He throws the cloak over his shoulders, finishes his beer and walks out.
The next morning, Abe takes everyone and heads back up north into shitty, shitty Canaan. He looks back at the pyramids glimmering in the distance and a tear trickles down his cheek.
They go back up as far as Bethel and settle down to make camp. By this point, Lot has his own crew, and things aren’t really working out.
See, they’re both living in the same area. Their flocks and herds are eating the same grass, their shepherds are getting in fistfights and their tents are staked down so close to each other that everyone keeps tripping over the guyropes.
Tensions mount between the two factions until Lot’s like, “Fuck this, man. I’m out of here.”
And Abe’s like, “Oh, no, no, no. You’re not going anywhere.”
“I’m leaving, dude. End of story.”
So Abe gets all up in his grill. “Oh yeah?”
Lot gets equally up in Abe’s grill, to the point where they’re basically kissing, and says, “Yeah.”
“I don’t think so, pal.”
“Well, you already taught me everything I need to know.”
“Not everything. I didn’t teach you how to hollow out a sheep for a sleeping bag.”
Lot steps back in disgust. “Jesus Christ, why the fuck would I want to do that?”
“If it’s cold.”
“Why wouldn’t I just use a blanket?”
Abe frowns. “I guess you could just use a blanket.”
Lot shakes his head. “Listen, I think I know what this is about. Ever since my dad died, you’ve been like...well...a dad to me. And it’s not like I don’t appreciate everything you’ve done, but...I think it’s time for me to go out and be my own man. You understand, right?”
Abe sighs and gives him a weak smile and a nod like he does understand.
So off Lot goes, heading east with his crew to settle in between Sodom and Gomorrah (aka the cities of the plain, aka the birthplace of sodomy).
The second he’s gone, the smile disappears from Abe’s face.
He’s heard the stories about Sodom and Gomorrah. In fact, it was one of the main reasons his dad wanted to come out west in the first place.
But now Lot thinks he can up and leave, just like that?
No way.
Ain’t gonna happen.
So Abe launches into what’s supposed to be a sinister revenge soliloquy, but it ends up coming off super-homoerotic instead.
“You wanna go live with the Sodomites? Fine. I’ll come down there and sodomise you myself. That’ll teach you to abandon me, you backstabbing motherfucker. I’m coming for you, Lot. I’m coming for you.”
GENESIS 14-18
King of the Sodomites
When we last left off, Abe had vowed revenge against Lot for abandoning him.
See, Lot had gone to live among the cities of the plain (aka Sodom and Gomorrah), but Abe wasn’t about to let him off the hook.
Not by a long shot.
So, while everyone else is working, tending flocks, doing that whole thing, Abe’s out on a hill overlooking Sodom with a pair of binoculars. God comes up to him and he’s like, “What are you doing, man?”
Abe’s like, “Lot’s down there.”
God’s like, “Yeah I know. So what?”
“So...you know what goes on down there.”
“Yeah, I do,” God says. “That’s why I’m about to fucking nuke the place.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah, man. Fire and brimstone. It’s gonna be a real show.”
“What about Lot?”
“What about him? He’s down there doing that shit with the rest of them. He’s gotta go. I didn’t know you were so fond of the kid.”
God lets it hang, dangling the bait.
“I’m not,” Abe says, getting defensive. “It’s just... I don’t know if he deserves to burn to death.”
God shrugs. “Maybe
he won’t have to. There’s an army on its way, so maybe they’ll take care of it for me. I’ll wait and see how it plays out.”
Abe frowns. “What army?”
Turns out, the five kings of the plain had been ruled by this Elamite king, Chedorlaomer (who we’ll call Cheddar), for the past dozen years or so. Recently, they’d decided it was a good idea to rebel, and now Cheddar was on his way with a bunch of allies to kill the living shit out of everyone.
God pulls up a massage chair with beer coolers in the armrests, while Abe sits on the ground like a chump. Together, they watch as the army rides in and storms the city. The Sodomites flee in terror, but there are all these tar pits dotted around the plain, so a bunch of them fall in and slowly drown. The rest are either killed or taken prisoner.
Among those hauled off in chains is Lot, at least according to one survivor who comes stumbling into Abe’s camp later that day.
He’s missing both his arms, which makes it hard for him to gesture which way the army went after sacking the city, but by the time he bleeds out, Abe has assembled his own ragtag army and is setting off on a daring rescue mission.
They pass dozens of people caught in the tar pits, begging for help. They block it out, keep moving. They can’t waste time helping innocent civilians. After all, they’ve got a mission to accomplish. And besides, they could fall in themselves. Better just to ignore it.
Finally, Abe turns to one of the slowly-sinking people and says, “We’re going after King Cheddar. Did he come this way?”
“Pull me out and I’ll tell you.”
Abe frowns. “Tell me and I’ll pull you out.”
“As soon as I tell you, you’re gonna leave.”
“No, I won’t. Promise.” And he crosses his fingers behind his back.
“You’re crossing your fingers behind your back,” says the guy.
“No, I’m not, I’m just...scratching my back,” says Abe, and he pretends to do so. “Look, either you trust me or I go ask someone else and you die anyway.”
The guy mulls it over. “Fine. Yeah, he went this way. He was heading east.”
“Ha!” Abe shows him the crossed fingers, then moves on.
“Damn it!” says the guy, punching the tar. “Third time this week!”
That night, when King Cheddar’s men are fast asleep, Abe and his boys sneak into their camp and start slitting throats. They hang Cheddar and his allies from a tree branch and free all the Sodomite prisoners.
Lot is found and brought before Abe in Cheddar’s tent. He goes to his uncle and hugs him, thanks him for saving his life.
But Abe doesn’t say a word. Doesn’t return the hug.
Lot steps back, confused. He watches as Abe undoes his belt sash and drops his robe to the floor.
Lot’s confusion turns to horror. “What the fu....”
“Get on your hands and knees.”
“What?”
“Get on your fucking hands and knees!”
I’m going to stop right here for a minute, because it might seem like this rescue mission isn’t really a rescue mission at all.
And you’re right – it’s not.
See, unlike most rescue missions, the purpose of this one isn’t to save his nephew’s life, but more to prevent anyone else from killing him so Abe can have his revenge.
Namely, by sodomising him.
If it seems a little excessive, remember that Abe isn’t the guy we met at the start of this story. He isn’t mild-mannered Abram anymore. He’s been corrupted by God’s promise that he’d be the father of a great nation, and now he thinks that everything belongs to him.
So when Lot betrayed him and went down to live among the Sodomites, he took it personally. There only seemed to be one fitting punishment, and Lot’s just now realising what that punishment is. If you really think hard about it, it’s almost poetic.
Poetic in the way that only forced anal sex can be.
Keep in mind, Abe’s holding a sword and he has a few guards outside watching the door, so Lot doesn’t really have a choice in the matter. He gets down on his hands and knees and prays that it’ll all be over soon.
And it is.
It’s over really soon.
Abe doesn’t have any problems with premature ejaculation or anything like that – he just can’t seem to get it up. So, Lot sits there for a while on all fours while Abe tries to get something going, being like, “Come on, come on...”
Lot’s like, “Is everything...?”
“Be quiet!”
When a pep talk doesn’t work, Abe rifles through Cheddar’s things until he finds some porn – or what passes for porn in the ancient world – and just starts jacking it, hoping nature will kick in at some point.
But...it doesn’t.
Lot listens to his uncle quietly masturbating and tries to block it out, to think of something else. Eventually, he starts to get pins and needles, and politely asks if he can get up.
Abe sighs, frustrated, realising it isn’t going to happen.
Lot stands and puts his clothes back on, asking why Abe wanted to have sex with him in the first place. Is he gay, or what?
Abe’s like, “No, I’m not gay. I was asserting my dominance. Y’know, like in prison.”
“I don’t know, man...”
“I’m not fucking gay, alright.”
“Just seems like you could’ve done anything. Stabbed me, burned me, stoned me to death. But instead...you decided to have sex with me.”
“Okay, first of all, it’s not sex. It’s rape. And you left us to go live with the Sodomites. I thought there was some poetic justice in it.”
Lot just stares at him. “You know, come to think of it, it was pretty poetic watching you try to get a hard-on.”
Abe lets out a sigh, all ashamed and defeated. “I guess I just wanted to teach you a lesson.”
Despite the attempted rape, Lot can’t help but take pity on the guy. “Look, I’m sorry I had to leave, but...you know why I did. I wanted to be my own man. I couldn’t do that while we were both living under the same roof.”
Abe, still naked and with a semi-flaccid penis in his hand, gives a weak smile and a nod like he’s finally accepting it.
Then, the second Lot leaves the tent, his smile vanishes, and Abe begins plotting his revenge.
Again.
Not only had Lot defied and abandoned him by going to live with the Sodomites, but now, he’d emasculated Abe by somehow making his dick not work.
And he’d get him back for that.
Oh, would he ever.
On the way back with all the prisoners and loot, Abe is met by the king of Sodom. The king asks if he would kindly return the prisoners and Abe tells him to go fuck himself.
In fact, he can do more than that.
He can hand over his crown and get the fuck out of Sodom because there’s a new king in town, baby – and his name is motherfucking Abraham.
That’s right.
Abe is the new king of the Sodomites.
The old king’s about to say something to the effect of “You and what army?”, but then he sees that Abe does, in fact, have an army behind him, so the old king skulks off with his tail between his legs.
He’s so depressed that he doesn’t look where he’s going and he falls into one of those tar pits.
So, while the old king slowly drowns and all the prisoners return to their homes, Abe takes up residence in the royal palace.
Not too shabby, he thinks. Not too shabby at all.
He should probably send for his wife and servants, but there’s servants here. There’s also a harem.
Only one problem.
The harem is all dudes.
And they’re all smiling and eye-fucking him, like, “Are we doing this or what?”
Abe thinks to himself that it makes sense – Sodom is known for its liberal attitudes toward sexuality. Why wouldn’t the king have an all-male harem?
Abe just stands there, not sure what to do.
The encounter with Lot in the tent is still fresh in his mind and he’s starting to think, “Maybe I am gay. I did try to have sex with him, and I kinda wanna see how this plays out.”
And with his wife still back in the camp, he thinks, “Fuck it, why not?”
When in Rome.
Or...when in Sodom, I guess.
Eventually, he does have to bring Sarah into the city and introduce her to all his male concubines. Needless to say, she isn’t impressed. But he’s the king – what the fuck can she do?
So, while he spends more and more time in the harem, Sarah gets more and more pissed. She says that it’s humiliating, pretending to be married to a guy who’s very clearly gay. He tells her that she’s living in the past – she needs to be more progressive. He’s embracing his role as king of a liberal city – she should do the same.
So she does.
She goes down to where Lot is currently living, thinking that she’ll get back at her husband by fucking his nephew (and, technically, also her nephew, since she and Abe are brother and sister. Don’t worry – we’ll get to that. Maybe. If not, just know that Abe and Sarah are brother and sister. By this point in the story, that shouldn’t strike you as particularly strange).
When Sarah gets to Lot’s house, he’s passed out drunk. Not even noon and he’s passed out drunk.
She doesn’t know about the attempted rape, or how traumatic it was for the guy. She just assumes he’s a no-good drunk like apparently everyone else in this story. As she’s about to turn around and leave, she sees a woman chopping vegetables for dinner.
Sarah’s never really noticed Lot’s wife before, but right now, she’s looking pretty damn good. She thinks, “Fuck it, why not?”
When in Sodom.
So, a little later on, her and Lot’s wife (who we’ll call Edith) are in bed sharing a cigarette. Edith’s worried, thinking their husbands are going to be mad.
“Let them be mad,” Sarah says. “They don’t give a shit about us anyway.”
Edith figures she’s right, and pretty soon, she’s coming around to the palace for daytime sex romps in full view of everyone. At first, Abe doesn’t notice, being too preoccupied with his own daytime sex romps, but then one day he walks in and sees them together.
Needless to say, he flips out.
