by Jack Geurts
Isaac’s thinking, “Fuck...I really wanna rub one out. I wonder if I could do it right now without anyone noticing...”
Barney’s thinking, “Fuck...I wonder if Abe knows I’m having sex with his wife...”
They get to a certain point on the hill, where Abe’s like, “Alright, Barney, we’ll take it from here,” and he and Isaac continue on alone.
Abe’s still going over it in his head, like, “Why does he want me to kill the kid, anyway? What kind of a fucked-up test is that? What does it prove? Is he planning to jump in and stop me at the last second, just to see if I’ll actually go through with it?”
He looks over at Isaac, but the kid’s oblivious to what’s going on. In one hand, he’s carrying the wood. In the other, well...same thing. He’s already jacked it half a dozen times since they left camp, and currently, he’s working on the seventh.
Now, before you get all weird about child sacrifice – back in these days, it was a fairly common thing. The chance of a kid actually living to adulthood wasn’t great – that’s part of the reason people had so many goddamn kids to begin with. You had to kind of stack the deck against nature.
The reality of this made people more detached from their kids than we are in the modern world. If a kid dies today, we think of it as this horrible, life-altering thing. But if that shit is going down on the regular, you can’t afford to spend too much time crying your eyes out. You gotta distance yourself.
The sad truth is that, back in the day, people just didn’t really give a fuck about their kids.
So, finally, Abe and Isaac reach the top of the hill, and Abe builds an altar out of stones. Isaac lays the wood down on top, and he’s like, “Dude, where’s the lamb? I don’t see one.”
Abe’s like, “Take a look in the mirror, pal.”
Can’t resist popping that sweet one-liner off.
Before Isaac can ask what a mirror is (since they don’t exist yet), Abe grabs him from behind and ties him up.
Isaac strains and bucks against the rope, shouting, “Hey! Let me go! Let me go, you fucking maniac!”
But Abe hauls him over to the altar and throws him down on the wood.
“I’m sorry!” he says. “I’m sorry...”
He splashes oil all over the kid and takes out the sacrificial knife, holding it over his head.
Isaac’s eyes go wide and he screams, “No! No! Nooooooooo!”
Abe looks up at the sky, waiting for God to do something.
Up above, God’s shovelling popcorn into his mouth, waiting to see what’ll happen. “There’s no way...” he says, with his mouth full. “No way he’ll go through with it.”
Down below, Abe’s not seeing any signs.
He looks at Isaac. Thinks about it long and hard.
Thinks about all the evil shit he’s done so far – all the people he’s fucked and killed and betrayed.
If he stops now, all of that will be for nothing.
He thinks about what’s stopping him.
Right and wrong.
What is right and wrong?
Right is doing what God tells you.
Wrong is disobeying God.
What else is there? Some arbitrary sense of morality that’s really just a figment of his imagination? God is real, he’s tangible. Abe’s seen God – he knows for a fact that he exists. He knows that God built his world and has the power of life or death over him.
Therefore, there’s only one rational response...
If God told him to do it, then it must be right.
Abe says, “Sorry, kid,” and cuts his son’s throat...
Up above, God freezes with a handful of popcorn half-way to his mouth.
“Oh, shit...” he says.
He comes down as Abe’s cleaning the blood off his knife, Isaac’s body burning in the background.
God’s like, “What the fuck?”
Abe’s like, “What?”
“You killed him...You actually fucking killed him.”
“You told me to.”
“Yeah, but...I didn’t think you’d actually do it.”
“Well, now you can’t back out of the covenant,” says Abe. “I did what you said, right? I’m still the father of a great nation?”
“Yeah, but...you just killed your only son. You’re not the father of anything.”
Abe finishes cleaning the knife, examines it, then calmly slots it into his belt.
“Yeah, I just figured you’d give me another one. Otherwise, I’ll go looking for Ishmael, see if he’s interested. Either way, I’m still the guy.”
God’s horrified, but he’s also thinking, “Well played.” He says, “Every time I think I’ve got you pegged, you do something that scares the living shit out of me.”
Abe smiles. “I’ll take that as a compliment.”
Then he heads off down the hill to rejoin Barney, and God just stands there.
He stands there a long while.
He knows he’s got no way out of the covenant now. He’s stuck with Abe. For better or worse, he’s stuck with him.
If he’s willing to kill his own son, just like that, God guesses there isn’t much he won’t do.
Then he has an idea...
A brilliant, fucked-up idea.
He raises his hand to the fire and suddenly, a figure stands up on the altar, in the middle of the flames.
It’s motherfucking Isaac, back from the dead.
But it isn’t Isaac who steps out onto the ground.
It’s some grey-skinned, white-eyed, zombie-looking motherfucker.
He isn’t Isaac anymore.
He’s Ike.
*
Barney’s passing the time by trying to lick his elbow when he sees Abe coming down the hill with blood all over his face and no Isaac.
He goes, “What happened, boss?”, in his usual Southern drawl.
Abe doesn’t say anything. He takes the rope for the donkey and leads it back down to camp.
Barney looks at the top of the hill, wondering what the fuck happened up there. Then he shrugs, like, “Oh, well – must not be important,” and takes off after Abe.
Back at the camp, Sarah asks the same thing. “Where’s Isaac?” she says. “And why do you have blood all over your face?”
It takes her a moment to put two and two together, and when she does, she starts crying.
“You bastard!” she says, slapping him across the face. “You son of a bitch.”
“Don’t worry,” Abe says, going to the water bucket and washing his face off. “We’ll get another kid.”
“I don’t want another kid. I want our son.”
“He was a douchebag anyway,” says Abe. “Hopefully, the next one can keep his dick in his pants.”
“Says you.”
Abe grabs a wineskin and takes a swig. He’s like, “You know what? I don’t need this right now. I bust my ass day in, day out for this family. I just hiked all the way up that hill, which I’m pretty sure gave me blisters. What the fuck more do you want from me?”
“I’d like it if you wouldn’t kill members of our family without consulting me.”
“Would you have made a different decision?”
“Yes!” she says. “I wouldn’t have killed our son so we could be the parents of a great nation. It makes no fucking sense. How are we supposed to do that if we have no kids?”
“That’s the whole point,” says Abe, adopting a conspiratorial tone like he knows what’s really going on. “It’s not supposed to make sense. But he can’t fault me for doing what he said. The covenant’s still on. Now he’s gotta find a way to make it happen. Even if we have to go get Ishmael back ourselves...”
Sarah’s eyes bulge with fury. “We are not going to get Ishmael back.”
“Whatever happens,” Abe says. “The ball’s in his court.”
At that very moment, Ike leaps off a nearby boulder, aiming for Abe...
Abe sees this, and dives out of the way...
But Sarah has her bac
k turned to the boulder, so instead, Ike comes crashing down on her...
He sinks his feral, zombie teeth into her neck, ripping out her windpipe.
“Jesus Christ!” says Abe, wriggling back through the dirt just as Barney vomits and it goes all over him.
They both watch, frozen in horror, as Ike claws open his mother’s stomach and starts feasting on her insides. Organs, intestines and chunks of flesh all over the place.
When he’s done, Ike turns to face them. His eyes white, his grey skin covered in blood, especially around the mouth.
His head tilts like a confused puppy when he sees Abe alive and well. He looks back at the mutilated corpse of his mother, apparently under the impression it had been his dad.
He shakes it off, lunges at Abe.
Abe screams and wriggles back. Barney jumps in to protect him, grabbing Ike in a choke-hold and putting him to sleep.
Even when he goes limp, Abe tells Barney to hold him while he ties the kid up.
He then calls God down to see what the fuck is going on, and God’s like, “Well...you called my bluff, man. You think I’d just let you get away with that?”
“You’re a sore loser.”
“And you’re a fucking sociopath.”
“Hey, at least I’m honest with myself,” Abe says. “Now...what the fuck is this?”
He gestures to the passed-out, hog-tied zombie of a son he just killed.
“That...” God says, “is Ike.”
“What is he?”
“What do you think he is? He’s a zombie.”
“And he eats people.”
“Sure does. I don’t think those ropes are gonna hold him, either.”
“Then what the fuck are we supposed to do?”
“I’d build a cage or something. Also, he’s gonna be hungry when he wakes up, so I’d have some raw meat ready. As close to human as you can get.”
Abe gives Barney a look like, “As close to human as we can get? What the fuck does that mean?”
God goes on, “Now, he won’t need a lot of water, but it’s good for him to stay at least moderately-hydrated. Helps with digestion, shit like that. Also, it’s just good to stay hydrated in general. You guys should keep that in mind, too. You want your pee to be clear or slightly yellow.”
Abe’s like, “Yeah, thanks, doc, we’ll get right on that.”
Then he turns to see Barney taking notes on a bit of parchment. Abe’s not sure what he’s more surprised by – the fact that Barney’s taking notes or the fact that he can read and write.
Also, his handwriting is fantastic. Like calligraphy-level good.
“What else?” God says, trying to think. “Uh...try to keep him out of the sun as much as you can – it’ll just make him angry. And...oh, yeah, make sure you find him a wife as soon as possible.”
“A wife?” says Abe. “Who the fuck is gonna wanna fuck a zombie?”
“Preferably someone who’s related to him. If he smells his own blood, he’ll be less likely to try and eat them. He’s got a lot of pent-up sexual energy, so once he’s released that, it should really calm him down and make him a lot less bitey. In the meantime, keep him in the cage, keep him fed. Shouldn’t be a problem.”
Abe’s like, “You know, you’re a real asshole for doing this.”
God just stares at him. “Looking after someone who either fucks or kills anything in its path...Now you know how I feel.”
Then he’s gone. Back up to heaven.
Abe sighs.
“Alright,” he says to Barney. “Let’s get to work.”
They build a cage on the back of the wagon, so they can transport the kid without too much difficulty. They go over and pick up Ike, and they’re halfway back to the cage when he starts to wake up.
“Oh, shiiiiiit!” says Abe, and they run to the wagon. “Quick, get him in! Get him in!”
They hurl the kid inside just as he bursts out of the ropes and comes lunging at them a second time. Barney slams the door shut and slides the bolt across.
They back away as Ike presses himself up against the bars, reaching through and clawing at the air. The two guys stand there, panting.
“Now we gotta find him a wife?” says Abe. “Where the fuck are we gonna find him a wife?”
Barney’s like, “God said it should be someone related to him – right, boss?”
“Yeah, but where...” Then Abe remembers. “Oh, shit – I’ve still got some family back in the old country.”
But Abe isn’t about to go all the way back home just to find the kid a wife. Not when he has a big, dumb brute to do it for him.
He says to Barney, “You’re gonna need to do it for me.”
“Why can’t you come?”
“Well, I should probably do something about this,” Abe says, gesturing to his wife’s mutilated corpse. “Find a place to bury her, y’know?”
Barney agrees, but before the two say their goodbyes, Abe makes him take a solemn vow.
As is the custom, he forces Barney to put his hand under his thigh – Abe’s thigh, not Barney’s – and cup his wrinkly, old scrotum – again, Abe’s scrotum, not Barney’s. The cock and balls are sacred to his people, and this ensures that the vow will not be broken.
Then Abe says, “I need you to swear that you won’t find my son a filthy Canaanite whore. The Canaanites are fucking animals and they can’t be trusted. You gotta go to Haran, where I’m from. My brother Nahor lives there. He should have some daughters or granddaughters or something. Grab one of those and get back here as fast as you can.”
“But what if she won’t come with me?” says Barney. “Should I take Ike so they can meet him?”
“No,” says Abe. “We’re not going back there. This, right here, is our future homeland, so you bring her here. Even if you have to drag her all the way back. Am I clear?”
“Crystal clear, boss.”
So Barney swears that he won’t find Ike some filthy Canaanite whore. Only then is he allowed to take his hand off Abe’s genitals, wipe the sweat from his palm and hit the road.
Meanwhile, Abe wraps Sarah’s body in linens and loads her into the wagon. He puts her in the driver’s seat with him so Ike can’t eat the rest of her. He even sits her upright so the whole thing looks like a Weekend at Bernie’s rip-off.
With his dead wife and zombie son, Abe heads out for Hebron, where he’d passed a cave a couple years back and thought it’d be a nice place to decompose.
When he gets there, he finds a farmer sitting out front in his rocking chair, drinking wine and chewing tobacco – a great combination if you’ve never tried it. His name is Ephron (but we’ll call him Ron), and as it turns out, he owns the land with the cave on it.
“How much you want for the cave?” Abe says.
Ron spits brown liquid to the side. “I ain’t sellin’.”
“I’ve got some silver here in the wagon. I’ll give it to you right now if you let me bury my wife.”
But Ron isn’t even looking at him anymore. He’s looking behind him, at the wagon.
“What you got back there?” Ron says.
Abe looks over his shoulder at the cage, where Ike is masturbating furiously, like he has been the whole trip.
“Found him wandering out in the desert,” Abe says. “I call him Ike.”
“He dangerous?”
“When he’s not in that cage, he is. Got a real taste for human flesh.”
Ron looks back at Abe, eyes him up and down. “What about you?” he says.
“What about me?”
“You got a taste for human flesh?”
Abe furrows his brow, uncertain. “Not particularly.”
“Shame,” says Ron. “Could do business with a man like that.”
“I’m not really sure I know what you’re asking there, pal.”
Ron’s like, “I’m a lonely man. You give me what I want, I’ll let you bury your wife.”
Abe suddenly realises.
“Up to you,” says Ron, sp
itting out another gob of tobacco juice.
About ten minutes later, Abe and Ron emerge from the cave.
Ron extends his hand for a shake, saying, “Pleasure doing business with you.”
Abe looks at the hand with distaste. Then, not wanting to screw up the deal, he shakes the guy’s hand and off he goes, whistling a cheerful tune. Meanwhile, Abe unloads his wife’s body and takes it into the cave.
He’s almost ashamed to lay it down so close to where he just laid down with Ron, but he got what he wanted. He figures that since Sarah’s dead, it isn’t cheating anymore.
And that’s when it hits him.
Sex with a random stranger isn’t cheating anymore.
In the darkness of the cave, as his zombie son climaxes just outside, Abe breaks down crying over the body of his wife.
*
He stops at the very next tavern he comes to and goes inside for a drink.
Picture the Old Testament equivalent of a biker bar and that’s what this is. A bunch of rowdy, drunk tough guys gambling and arm wrestling and whatever it is biblical bikers do.
The woman pouring drinks is named Keturah, but she says Abe can call her Kitty. Then she winks at him. He isn’t sure what to do, so he just drinks.
“You from around here, darlin’?” she says.
He shakes his head. “Nope. Long way from home.”
“You travellin’ all by your lonesome?”
“No, I got my son with me.”
“Oh, yeah? Where’s he at?”
“Out in the wagon.”
“Well, why don’t you bring him on in?”
Abe chuckles. “If you wanna get eaten alive, I will.”
“Hey, I don’t mind,” she says. “Long as its a father-son type of deal.”
She winks at him again and he’s thinking, “Jesus Christ, this chick’s really swinging for the fences.”
He goes, “Maybe some other time.”
She shrugs and continues pouring drinks. He continues drinking until he hears a familiar voice say, “Hey.”
He turns to see Ron looking at him from a booth in the corner. He’s sitting with a couple of mean-looking dudes and still chewing tobacco – only now, he’s spitting it into a cup.
