I gather myself together. He lets go of my hands. I expect him to pull away, but instead he cradles my face in his hands, kissing away the tears on my cheeks. He brushes my lips with such tenderness I let out another sob. Taking a deep breath, I try to harness all the pain and betrayal I feel. I level him with my coldest stare and speak once more.
“What is it, then, Jared? Why do you keep pulling away? And I swear to God you better tell me the truth this time, because you’ve hurt me. I refuse to play your game, Jared True Born. Give me a real reason or I am done.” I can see that I’ve shocked him, pained him, even. Good, I think. He needs to know that I’m not messing around.
“I meant what I said.” His eyes are closed but then he opens them, staring into me as though he’s gotten lost. “I need you, Lu. And I need you to be whole and well, and I need to know you’re safe. But if we do this—and gods take me, Lu, I want to do this more than anything I’ve ever wanted—then I’ll have marked you.”
“No you won’t, Jared. What are you talking about—”
“Listen.” He cuts me off gently. “I’m True Born, right? My genes take me back to the jungle, sure as Storm’s take him… Well, who the hell knows with him.” Jared barks an unhappy laugh. “I’ve got these instincts, Lu, and they drive me. And most of the time I’m in control. But when it comes to you…I’m not in control, Lu. The beast is.”
“You won’t hurt me.”
Jared shakes his head. “No, I won’t hurt you. Not physically. But how would you feel if my beast decides that you’re mine and marks you as our own? Because that’s what’s going to happen. That’s how I feel about you.”
I whisper into his chest, fresh tears falling. “What would be so bad about that?”
Jared looks like he wants to cry, too. “That would be the end of it. The end of your future, of any claims you may want to make outside of me. You’d never be able to make an alliance with someone else. You’d never be able to date anyone else. Because even if I rationally agreed to stepping aside, if that’s what you wanted, I don’t know if I could stop myself from ripping the beating heart out of his chest and feeding it to him, Lu,” Jared growls. His fingernails lengthen and he pulls them away from my flesh as though he’s been scalded.
I sink down, his words penetrating my misery. Jared sits back, too, a lost expression drifting over his face.
“How could I do that to you? How can I take you as my own, knowing that I’d be taking all other choices away from you? It’s bad enough now. But if you were fully mine? It would be for life, Lucy Fox. Forever. There would be no turning back.”
I sigh, my mind churning a thousand different gears at once. He’s not kidding, that much is clear, and nor do I think Jared is lying to me. But I do think he’s not giving himself enough credit.
I lick my lips, noting how he watches my every move. “How can you be so sure you’d be so…unreasonable?” Yet even as I ask the question, a tendril of doubt niggles at me. Life is short—but not so short for people who can’t catch the Plague. Is either of us ready to make that sort of commitment? With a start, I realize just how young I am. Not a year ago I was at Grayguard Academy, finishing high school. The idea of having a boyfriend was barely on my radar. And what of marriage? Because what Jared is suggesting, what my own heart is telling me, feels a lot more permanent than a boyfriend.
My family would never allow it. The thought passes unhappily through my mind, a betrayal to Jared. And yet—hadn’t I grown up fast since my Reveal? Made my own life decisions? And hadn’t Jared been the one by my side throughout all of it? I clamp my eyes shut, my head reeling with confusion.
Jared shakes his head, rousing my attention. I’m not sure how long I’ve been lost in thought, but he’s clearly been waiting to answer me. A golden curl falls across his forehead, somehow making him look boyish and lost. “I don’t know. But I feel it, the beast.” His hand goes to his chest. “Right there beneath the surface. Kind of like the way you feel your sister, I reckon. And I have about as much control as you do.”
“You’ve never really tested it,” I argue.
“I don’t think taking risks like that is a good idea. Not with you, Lu.”
“Why not me?”
Jared levels me with a dark stare. “You know why not.”
Do I? Is it because of Storm or because he cares? Or both, that little voice inside me insists. I don’t have the answers I want—I’m not even sure I have the strength to ask them right now. The tight bands around my chest loosen an inch, and as they do so, exhaustion tugs at me. All the anger and fear of the day ebbs from my body and is slowly replaced with a dull, throbbing pain. What I wouldn’t give to be anywhere but here, in the middle of a Russian forest with the one man who won’t, for the sake of chivalry, have me.
Silent minutes tick between us. I lie down on the small hidey-bed, pulling Jared down beside me. He throws his arms around me like a sweater. “We’d better get some sleep, then,” I say.
As if that were a possibility.
Something has changed between us yet again. Our hands are entwined as I stare moodily at his fingers, mine, winking back and forth like the lights on surveillance drones. Gone is the fear that Jared doesn’t want me back. But there’s nothing to replace it with—just the long, empty question mark of what comes next.
And after that?
“What about Storm?” I break our silence.
“What about Storm?” Jared repeats, clearly as awake and restless as I am. But there’s a note of annoyance there, or maybe something else I can’t place.
“Are you doing this for him, too?”
“He has nothing to do with this,” Jared tells me fiercely.
I angle myself to get a better look at my True Born. His chest is bare, a smooth work of art ending with a smattering trail of white-blond hair near his navel. He’s thrown one arm behind his neck, the muscles taut and bulging. There is a ridge of a scar on his hipbone and, above that, a tiny, perfect mole. He is watchful, still relaxed but looking at me under a cap of curls as though he expects a fight.
And for that matter, maybe he’ll get one.
“Are you sure?”
He frees his hand from mine to arrange the blanket more snuggly around my shoulders. Then links up our fingers again. “He doesn’t even know.”
“I don’t believe that any longer.”
“Why?”
“Why?” I snort in disbelief. “Because you disobeyed him for me. Because you followed me here and aren’t dragging me back. Of course he knows.”
Jared is somber. “I’m doing my job, Lu.”
“No you’re not.” I put my hand to his chest. “I mean, yes, you’re protecting me. And thank you. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you how grateful I am.” Jared frowns and I quickly move on. “But you’ve gone far and above your duty, Jared, and when we get back…”
“What?”
“I think you know what.”
“Spell it out for me, Princess.”
I sigh again, closing my eyes and wishing I didn’t have to say the words. “There are alliances. That’s how it works. I help Storm climb to power. He offers me protection.”
Jared sits up so fast, pinning me between his arms, that I get dizzy. His eyes spit green at me, his mouth an angry line. “That’s what you think? You think I’m holding out on you so Storm can still marry you off to get what he wants?”
“Not really.” I heave a sigh, closing my eyes. “Not anymore. I just needed to know for sure. But he is your boss. You’re always telling me to think like your opponent,” I say, finally opening my eyes. He’s still there, the alert predator waiting for his instincts to lead him. “So think like him for a moment, Jared. What would you do in his place?”
He looks like his heart is breaking as he says the words. “I’d marry you off to some important guy so I could sweep to power.”
We go quiet. It’s silent as a grave around here. I’ve never been in a place that was as empty of noise as this place is. Her
e there are no Lasters moaning on the street corners as their insides pull apart. None of the roving gangs in hazmat suits collecting bodies on their carts. There are no feral dogs here barking for dead flesh. No flying bullets or bombs, nor the whine of surveillance drones.
Here there is only the gentle swish of trees outside, the slight rapping of the wind at the door. Birdsong. So much twittering birdsong.
And the crushing weight of my future hanging over our heads.
For once, though, it’s not just the threat of what lies secret inside my blood. That remains a whole other can of worms.
Jared turns to look at me. “How can you think I’d hold back so Storm can marry off a virgin?” He spits out the word, as if disgusted that I even made him consider it.
“Did it ever occur to you I might need to know you’re on my side?”
“How can you even doubt that, Lucy?” His eyes flash with indignation. “What do you think I’ve been doing here? Enjoying a relaxing vacation?”
“Actually, yes.” I smile despite myself.
Jared’s own grin teases out reluctantly, the dimples on his cheek deepening at the last second before it’s gone again. “There’s a lot you obviously don’t understand.” His words are layered with meaning.
“Illuminate me, then. I’m a smart girl. I can take it.”
Jared pushes me back on the pillow, fanning my hair out and placing two careful hands on either side of my head.
“Lucinda Fox.” His voice is hushed and serious, his eyes soft-soft. “Don’t you know I’d tear apart a thousand Splicers and Lasters alike for you? I answer to Storm, yes, but every cell in my body answers to you, too, like it or not. He can no more order me to bring you back than you can order me to leave his service.”
I stare hard into his eyes, burning blue and green in equal degree. “What does that mean?” I ask, licking my lips. My hand steadies on his chest. Jared’s heart beats strong and fierce beneath my fingers. The heartbeat of a warrior.
His stare deepens until I no longer know anything outside of it. “It’s like having my guts turned inside out and thrown in the fire most days. I come across your trace,” he says, running a finger through my pillow-strewn curls, “and part of me goes berserk. But if I don’t hear your voice or see you, I start feeling murderous. I want to break bones just to get near it. To be next to you. When you left and got on that god-awful ship. When I found your note and realized you were gone. I-I can’t explain…” He trails off, and my stomach twists with guilt. I knew that he would be furious with me, but I had never intended to hurt him by leaving.
Jared’s voice drops, low and shaky. He rubs at his head as though it hurts. “Do you understand? I am no longer myself, Lucy. Already I know I can never go back to that time—the time before I knew you.” He blinks, misery stretching across his beautiful face. My heart flip-flops. And in that instant, I think I understand what has happened to us, Jared and me.
Like a compass, we’ll always point back to each other. But will we ever be pointing in the same direction?
“I’m sorry,” I say, tears falling down my cheeks. “I’m sorry, Jared.”
He bends and kisses them, gentle-gentle, like a wish. “No,” he says. And there is nothing but truth in his eyes, searing and deep. “No, Lucy. Please don’t say that. However much I want to throw myself in Dominion Harbor some days, you need to know this. I feel like I never really lived, never really drew breath, until the day I met you.”
I nod through a wash of tears. My chest hurts with need. I draw him closer, dissolving the pain and murmuring into his ear as his kisses move me to oblivion.
We stayed in the cabin overnight, kissing, talking, finally falling asleep in each other’s arms. In the morning we woke and ate and tidied before leaving. It had been a quiet, reflective walk through the woods. We didn’t say much, but then, after the night’s confessions, it seemed better, safer, to keep our thoughts to ourselves.
Besides, I reasoned, what else is there to say? I can’t change Jared any more than he can change who I am. That feral, hot part of him, the part that had taught me such violence, had also given me the greatest sense of safety I have ever known. To cut that out of him would be to take the part of him I love best.
Love? I quickly paper over the thought. I come with complications that make being with Jared nearly impossible—I see that now. Aside from my forever bond with my sister, I am bound by duty, trapped by the politics of power. Hounded by the mysteries of our blood. And as we walk, I come closer to accepting that turning me down was another form of Jared’s extreme sense of protectiveness. It didn’t hurt any less. But it did erase the last vestiges of humiliation.
We don’t reach the outskirts of the tiny town until full dark. Only a few streetlights line a main road, dotted with tiny, sagging porches that double as stores. Not a soul walks the street. Even the dogs are asleep as I wait quietly behind a tree while Jared performs his sweep.
“All clear,” he tells me before eyeing me meaningfully. “You sure you’re okay with this?”
I nod, though truly I’m not okay at all. But no use in telling him, I think to myself as he pulls his phone from a pocket and stretches it out, searching for a signal.
We’d spoken about it, decided together. He’d finally convinced me that it was a good idea to let my guardian know where I was. And also, he’d cautioned, Storm needed to know about the Watchers’ symbols, the way the army had come after us. Not to tell him would be a crime, Jared said. He didn’t need to say it, but I heard the message loud and clear anyhow: in case we don’t make it.
After a few minutes of staring at the tiny screen, apparently satisfied, Jared presses a button. Nolan Storm’s face immediately fills the small display.
“Jared.” Storm seems calm enough, but if you look closely you can see the tells. The sharp lines framing his lips, the tightness around his eyes.
“Storm,” Jared returns casually. “Catch you at a good time?”
“Any time is good when I haven’t heard from you in days.”
“Well, we ran into a little trouble. Cell service really sucks out here.”
“Lucy is okay?”
“I’m fine.” I pop my head on Jared’s shoulder so Storm can see me, give a little wave.
Storm’s expression gentles. “Any word on your sister?”
I shake my head, shiver against the chill of the late-night air. I shurg. “It’s more what hasn’t been said. I can feel her here.”
Storm curses, antlers flaring blue-white. “You need to get the hell out of there.”
“We’ll be to Starry Oskol by sunrise, I reckon.”
“I expect a progress report as soon as you’re able.” Storm nods curtly.
“As soon as I’m able,” Jared returns. Storm vanishes from the screen.
Jared turns, gathering me into his arms as he kisses me lightly. My hair, forehead, cheeks, nose, lips. “That wasn’t easy. I’m proud of you.” He breathes in my hair and my skin. Licks my cheek. “Are you ready for this?” he asks, leaning his forehead against mine.
“No,” I tell him honestly. My hands stroke the stubble of his cheeks. I lean in and suck his sensitive lower lip into my mouth. “Let’s do it anyway.”
20
They didn’t want to give us their real names, nor know ours.
“It’s enough to know you are friends of Alastair’s,” the curly-headed husband told us as he invited us into their home through the small and overgrown garden. Inside was a perfectly charming little house. White roses sat in vases on a small country kitchen table. Plants climbed the walls, shading out the sun better than the gauzy white curtains that blew inward with the early-morning breeze.
“Call me Tom,” he said, slinging his arm over the slender shoulders of his wife, who beamed at us.
“And you can call me Cilia,” said the woman in heavily accented Dominion English, clasping her thin hands in front of her. “We welcome you to our home,” she said formally before bustling away to bring u
s freshly sliced bread with oil and cheese, olives and wine.
Jared and I stared around the tiny house, its contents as mysterious as our hosts. Jared sniffed the food carefully before digging in. I examined the small fireplace, objects laid across it that I couldn’t recognize. One that looked like a long hunter’s knife. Two candles, a jar that looked like it was filled with salt. A small bowl set with a pestle.
“It was a new moon last night,” Cilia said as she sat down across from me, drawing my eyes from the mantel. She was luminous herself, like a creature from the moon. Her hair was caught in a long braid and woven up into an elaborate bun. On her fingers were silver rings, one set with opal, the other black garnet. And beside her left eye sat the smallest tattoo of a red star. “Did you notice?” She turned her almond-shaped brown eyes on me with an air of expectation.
“Yes,” I answered truthfully enough through a mouthful of bread. Jared had also mentioned the moon. A perfect night for a break-in, he’d said. Underneath the table, he squeezed my thigh. I smiled.
“After breakfast, we go for a walk,” she said with a wink. “I have shopping to do.”
We stroll down the block with our new friend, watchful as the patrols switch to a new rotation. The building takes up an entire city block, crouching across the space like a monstrous spider. It’s fenced off like a Splicer Clinic but too large, the color of dirty metal, and with no windows. Then there are the patrols—a whole squadron of well-trained men armed to the teeth with machine guns, grenades, and, from the look of things, Tasers—sweeping the grounds in twos and threes. Cameras rotate on posts, sweeping the perimeter.
Is this where she is? I tamp down a sense of hopelessness. If Margot is in there somewhere, we’ll find a way to get her out. Or, I consider as I rove my eyes over the enormous amount of security, die trying.
Unfazed, our new friend adjusts the floppy straw brim of her hat and hitches her matching straw shopping bag higher on her shoulder.
True North Page 20
