"What would she think of you then?" Carl’s eyes glowed with satisfaction, knowing somehow he’d hit his mark. “She won’t understand what you are. But we do.”
Jamie lessened his grip on Carl’s neck slowly, his muscles shaking with repressed desire. He’d spent weeks fighting his monster, trying to convince himself he was more, and all it had taken was one smell of his enemy for him to forget. He let Carl go abruptly and stumbled back. He couldn't banish Erin’s face from his mind. He listened for his name coming off her lips, but he couldn’t hear it. He wanted to be more for her. He wanted to be better. He wasn’t sure he could.
"I'm not surprised. I saw that lander plow his fist into your wife's face. I wanted to kill the guy myself. And yet he's still breathing," Carl puzzled, rubbing at the imprint of Jamie’s hand on his neck. “You're weak. Just like your father. Your tribe breeds weakness. It made you an easy target. I had hoped, we had hoped, she’d changed you.”
But he was changed. Carl thought he was talking to someone else. Someone that didn't exist. Not since he’d remembered.
They’d killed his father.
Jamie stepped back, not trusting himself not to pounce on Carl again. The impulse to crush him was strong. But he wouldn’t do it. Not here. Not yet. To release his savagery on Carl now would undo the progress he’d made over the last few weeks. Jamie would have to be patient. And now that Jamie knew they still wanted him, that they were still a threat, he needed his mind more than ever.
“I’m sorry, Jamie. I really am. I did all I could. They wanted to take care of you while you were still locked up, but I convinced them to wait. I’d hoped. I’d really hoped.”
What was Carl saying? Jamie didn’t understand. The words floated through his mind without meaning. Rocks fell and the room spun. Carl drifted in and out of focus before drifting away completely. Jamie spun to catch him but he was out of reach. There was no one there. He was alone. Where was he? Jamie couldn’t remember. Had he imagined the whole thing? Something wasn’t right. He knew this feeling. What was his name? He closed his eyes and tried to remember.
“Jamie!”
His name. Someone was calling his name. Jamie was flying, then he was falling. A face appeared in the doorway. Jamie frowned. He knew that face, but the name eluded him.
“Jamie?”
His brother. Noah. It was Noah’s voice. How could he have forgotten so soon? Something was wrong. His mind was a thick fog, his thoughts sluggish.
“I told you not to follow me,” he said.
“When has that ever—" Noah stalled, his gaze dropping to Jamie’s stomach. “What the hell?”
Jamie looked down, perplexed at Noah’s reaction. A knife stuck out of his gut buried to the hilt under the left side of his ribcage. Funny, Jamie didn’t feel a thing. It was like a dream as he watched a monster’s hands clasp the hilt of the knife and pull it free.
“It’s okay,” he said and like he knew it would, the skin sealed itself back together. Didn’t Noah understand? He was invincible.
Noah’s mouth moved and Jamie felt like he had weeks ago when he had to concentrate so hard to understand words and their meaning. Something was off. His blood boiled, his skin stretched too tight.
“Jamie.”
He swayed and Noah disappeared as his eyes closed, the lids descending like the slow shutter of a camera.
"Jamie, are you okay?"
"Yeah," he said though he wasn't sure. It was almost unbearably hot. A fire blazed inside his stomach.
“No, you’re not.” Noah reached for him and Jamie slapped his hand away, the motion making him stagger forward, his feet like concrete blocks. What was wrong with him?
“Jamie.”
He collapsed like the toppling of a giant tree, the ground rising up to meet him. He was falling and he couldn’t stop it. The darkness was coming, the nothingness.
No. Not again.
34
Three months ago I hadn’t even known Michael's name. Now I was shouting it with each shot that fell through the hoop—a frequent occurrence. I quit counting how many points he'd scored during the third quarter and decided to sit back and enjoy watching him play. Michael owned the court, and it made me happy knowing he had this game he loved so much and a future playing it.
I hadn’t told him I was coming but he knew I was here. His brown eyes had found mine more than once, and though it might be presumptuous on my part, I got the impression he was showing off for me.
I sat on the left side of the bleachers close to our goal for the second half, getting jostled by the crowd that insisted on staying on their feet. Ally stood beside me shaking her white and blue pom-pom. Michael dribbled the ball to the top of the key, hair slick against his forehead. His gaze flicked over to one of the guards, looking for the pass. He faked a drive up the lane then popped back behind the three-point line. He looked right at me, and the ball flew of his fingers on a no-look shot. It swooshed through the net. The crowd roared and his eyes held mine as he backpedaled down the court, the message clear.
Michael Bray was a beast in his own right.
It wasn’t until he was set back up on defense that his face broke in that half smile. The girls in Gainesville were going to go wild for him.
Ally shoulder bumped me. “He is so into you.”
And because she'd been my friend forever, I said, “I’m leaving.”
The arm holding the pom-pom fell and her wide smile slipped a fraction as she puzzled my words over the constant hum of the crowd. A whistle blew from across the court and a chorus of “boos” erupted from the opponents side of the gym. The cheerleaders struck up a chant about too many steps.
“What do you mean? The game’s not over. We've got a whole other quarter."
“I don’t mean the game. I’m leaving town. I’m starting at FSU spring semester.”
The crowd noise faded around us as her eyes widened, the game forgotten.
Ally grabbed my arm. “Excuse me,” she said, bumping through the two rows below us, leading me down the hallway and into the students’ bathroom. She whirled around, a hurt and confused expression on her face. “When were you going to tell me this? When did you even decide to go college? What about Jamie?"
“I can’t stay here.” I bit my lip to stop it from trembling. “Not with Jamie here.”
“You’re not staying with him?” Her voice gentled, lilting in disbelief. Yeah, I couldn’t believe it either.
“No,” I said. The decision was still new and while my mind accepted it, my heart still ached to think about it. “I’ve talked it over with my parents. They think it’s a good idea.”
“Wow.” She stared at me, her mouth falling open. “And Jamie’s okay with this?”
“He says he is, but I know I've hurt him. I need to get away from here, figure out who I am, what I want to do with my life. I wanted to give it a few more days, be sure, before I told anyone else.”
This wasn't exactly the place to have a heart-to-heart. A toilet flushed and I had to wait out a girl exiting a stall. While she washed her hands, her eyes cut to me more than once in the mirror. She took her time reapplying her lipstick.
“Do you mind,” Ally finally said as the girl stalled by the trashcan. “We’re in the middle of something here.”
The girl left, the door slowly closing behind her. It seemed to take forever with Ally’s gaze glued to my face, still in shock I supposed. Neither of us had ever made such a big decision without consulting the other first.
“I don’t know what to say,” Ally said, giving the stalls a quick check to make sure they were empty. “I had no idea you were thinking of leaving.”
“Well, I didn’t either until last week. I thought I was over all that happened and for the most part I am. I just need to get away, get a new view so I can be sure.”
“I get that, I guess, but Erin…”
“This is something I have to do,” I said. “I’m going to miss you, though. You've been a really good friend. Not many peopl
e stuck by me the way you did. I never told you how much that meant to me. And this past summer, you were a big part of why I was able to get back in the world and start a new life. I guess I want to see where this new life takes me."
She came at me, eyes welling with tears and wrapped me in an all-encompassing hug. Her show of emotion startled and touched me.
"Hey, it's okay," I said, patting her back. "I'm not leaving until after Christmas and you can come visit. You better come visit."
"It's not that," she said, releasing me and wiping her eyes. "I haven't been a good friend. In fact, I've been a pretty bad one."
“Ally, no you haven't. You—"
"I'm the one who left the fish in your locker. It wasn't Derrick. It was me."
“What?” I stepped back, letting my arms fall to my sides, wondering if I had heard her right. “Why would you do that?"
"The first time it was just… I don't know, a whim.” Her eyes cut to the ceiling, her face pinched. “I thought maybe you'd get upset and you'd come to me. That you'd need me again. And then when you didn't… I don't know." She shook her hands, and her face crumbled like a sheet of paper, and she was breathing way too heavy. She was totally weirding out on me and all I could do was stare in slack-jawed disbelief. "I don't know why I kept doing it."
“A whim? You don’t do something like that on a whim. I don't understand.” I shook my head slowly. “I knew you weren't crazy about Jamie but… Ally, that was plain cruel."
"I know," she said. "I'm sorry."
I refused to be swayed by her quivering lip and the despondency in her expression. I’d trusted her. Believed her to be one of my few real friends.
"No. You can't be sorry for something like that now. It doesn't even make sense you would do that. Have you just been pretending all these years to be my friend? Do you hate me that much?"
"No. I don't hate you," she said, her mouth an open gate to the appalling words spewing through it. "I'm jealous of you. Growing up, I wanted to be you. Everything is so easy for you. You're beautiful. People love you. And then you got pregnant, and what should have been the lowest point in your life turned into a dream for you."
A dream? Was she kidding?
"That dream turned into a nightmare, in case you missed that part," I said. My heart was a stone, sinking into the bottom of the ocean. When would the disappointments end? "And I didn't come to you about the fish because I assumed you were tired of dealing with my shit. I didn't want some stupid prank to ruin our senior year."
“No, once again, Jamie was responsible for that,” she said, her hateful tone surprising. I’d had no idea she felt this way. No idea she harbored these ill feelings toward him.
“I can’t believe this,” I said. And to think, she’d held flowers at our wedding.
"And I couldn’t believe after all you went through, you didn't have to work to get back on the volleyball team. You were just as good and of course you had Caris and…” She hiccuped and the door opened and a couple of sophomore cheerleaders walked into the bathroom. They took one look at Ally's tear-streaked face and stopped in their tracks.
She wiped her eyes and snapped, “Get out.”
They backed out, eyes darting between us. One lifted her hand, trying to hide her smile. Great. More fodder for the gossip mill. I couldn’t get to Tallahassee fast enough. I followed them to the door and locked it, turning back around to face Ally, though I had little else to say.
"I know I'm a bitch,” she said, searching for her composure. “What I did was wrong, and it was mean, but it wasn't about hurting you. It was about you needing me to be your friend. You calling me when you needed someone to lean on, and if I couldn't be you, I wanted to be the person you leaned on."
"You know that's just sick." And really, I didn’t believe her.
"I know.” She started crying in earnest.
Stupid fake tears.
"I’m sorry. I don't expect you to forgive me, but I want you to know I'm sorry."
I wasn't even sure how to respond. That she could pull something so despicable after witnessing what I went through… hell, she was with me through most of it.
"I don't understand you, Ally." I felt surprisingly calm. I wasn’t really even angry. Maybe I was in shock.
"I'm sorry," she said again.
"You know the sad part is none of what you said about me not needing you was true. I did need you. If I was able to put my life back together you were a part of that. That meant something to me. I thought it meant something to you." I deflated against the wall. Beyond angry. Beyond hurt.
"I thought you'd be more angry with me. I thought you'd hate me."
"I am angry. I am hurt. I'm shocked you could be so mean spirited and selfish. Not after all those nights I literally cried on your shoulder believing my life was over. Satisfied?" I glared at her and a fresh wave of tears streamed down her cheeks. "And really, you've proven to me I'm making the right decision. I'm tired of the past and as long as I stay here, it's like I'm stuck." I put my hands on her shoulders and looked her straight in the eye. "Thank you. You've done me a favor. Besides Jamie, you were my last regret about leaving. Now I can really make a clean break. Have a nice life, Ally."
I burst through the bathroom door and into the hallway, feeling oddly uplifted. I didn't look back. No more looking back. I pushed through the front doors of the school and it was like shedding an unwanted skin. I actually laughed.
It was blessedly cool outside and mostly dark under the glow of the scattered lights in the parking lot. I found Michael’s Jetta parked close to the gym, leaned against the hood and waited. The quiet was broken by the roar coming from inside the gym, the concrete walls not thick enough to contain the crowd’s enthusiasm. Michael’s name was on repeat by the announcer as he made play after play. When the final buzzer sounded, it hailed more than an end to the game, it hailed the end of my life here.
And I was okay with that. I was so over high school. It had just taken me coming back to realize it.
I hunkered down by Michael’s Jetta as the school emptied, remaining relatively unnoticed. Blaring cars, skidding tires, the whoops and yells of victory all around and I remained blessedly invisible.
The parking lot was nearly empty by the time Michael finally strolled out of the building, freshly showered, gym bag slung over his shoulder. He fist bumped two of his teammates then headed toward his car.
Michael looked surprisingly dejected considering his stellar performance. I’d expected him to be walking on clouds, but his head hung low and his shoulders were slumped. When he looked up and spotted me his whole expression changed, going from glum to cocky in half a step.
“That was impressive.” I made to lightly punch him in the arm, but he caught my hand and wrapped it in his.
“I was hoping you would think so,” he said.
“You got your wish then. Consider me suitably impressed. Wowed even.” I smiled in response to his boyish grin. He made a quick sweep of the now desolate parking lot. “As much as I’d like to believe you waited just to tell me how wowed you were, I’m guessing there's more to it than that."
I tried to pry my hand away from his, but his grip tightened, his eyes practically begging me not to make him let go yet.
“Well, I did want to see you play, and this might have been my last chance,” I ducked my head, feeling suddenly shy.
“Yeah, why’s that?”
“I’m leaving.” I stared at our linked hands, my eyes fixated on his thumb as it rubbed over my skin. “I registered for spring semester at FSU.”
“And that means….” He bent down, eyes searching my face.
“It means I don’t want to be married anymore and I want to go to college.”
“I don’t know whether to be relieved or not.” He pulled me close and rested his chin on the top of my head. “I want you free to do what you want, but I don’t want you gone.”
“I need to get out of here.” The words sounded a little too desperate, even to my ears
, so I cleared my throat and abandoned the comfort of his arms. “This isn’t about Jamie and the same time it is. This is about me and the fact that when I look at him I see her. I see our baby, and it rips my heart out every time.” I slumped against the door of his Jetta, feeling defeated. “I’m not over her yet. I’m still so angry, and Jamie… it wouldn’t be right until I feel right and I don’t yet. I’m not whole and he deserves someone who’s whole.”
“I kind of hate this, but I get it. You’ve got it backward though. It’s Jamie that’s not good enough for you.”
“Don’t say that. You don’t know him. Under different circumstances, you might have liked him.”
“Well, you loved him so that means he must have something going for him.” He settled beside me, one lean hip on the hood of his car. “I’m going to miss you."
“We’re still friends. Tallahassee’s not that far from Gainesville.”
“So if I send you tickets, will you come watch me play?”
“Does that mean you’re for sure signing with Florida?”
“I haven’t officially announced, but my mind’s made up.” He bumped my shoulder with his. “Just don’t tell anybody yet.”
“Michael, that’s awesome. I used to want to go somewhere and play volleyball, even if it was a small college.”
“Yeah, I’m pretty excited. And scared. And you’ll find new things to want, new things to work toward.”
“I know,” I said, the hope of those wants and dreams like a secret being whispered in my ear. “Despite everything, I’m excited too. And scared.”
“I’m just glad your getting the chance to start over.” His hands dug deep into the pockets of his sweat pants.
“I plan to totally reinvent myself.”
“Don’t change too much. I like you the way you are.” The toe of his shoe bumped mine.
“I have a feeling you’re going to be all over ESPN, the big man on campus, and forget all about me.”
“Not a chance," he said.
Watermark (The Emerald Series Book 3) Page 26
