by D. Kelly
Then suddenly, a memory from last night slams into me like a freight train. Fuck no, god please tell me I didn’t. I scramble around, looking for my phone which has fallen to the floor and grab it pulling up my call log. FUCK. My last call was to Katherine at a little before two am. I wrack my brain, pacing and running my hands through my hair. Damn it! There are only three people that I know numbers for by heart. My mom, Jessica, and Katherine. I need to calm down and think. Deep breath in and out. After about ten minutes I remember, and it isn’t good.
Lexi and I had just finished. Holy hell, she was a screamer and it was hot. She rolled over and put her hand over my heart. It reminded me of Katherine at the park that day and I pushed her away. “What’s wrong, baby?”
“I’m not your baby, Lexi. Remember I said this was a one-time thing. You should go. I can’t be what you want.”
I had no idea what time it was but someone was playing Gone by NSYNC and it sounded like it was coming from Connor’s room. That was the last song Katherine and I danced to. It was putting me on edge. I just wanted to be alone.
“I can make you forget her, Mike, you just need to give me a chance.”
I laughed at her. “That’s impossible, Lexi, you can’t forget about the person who owns your soul.” She nodded and actually looked at me with more understanding than I deserved.
“Then do yourself a favor, Mike, and fix it. Trust me, the self-destruction and random hook-ups won’t change anything. You’ll hate yourself in the long run and you’ll lose her forever. If you still have a chance, fix it while you still can.” With a quick peck on my cheek, she rolled over and soon I heard her steady breathing… she’d fallen asleep. Was she right? I reached for my phone and dialed the number, but I didn’t press the talk button. Glancing at the clock, I realized it was almost 2 am. She most likely would’ve been asleep and the call would go to voicemail. Then I figured I could just let her know I was okay and I missed her. It couldn’t hurt. If she answered the phone, I was prepared to hang up. She wouldn’t know it was me since I’d changed my number.
I hit talk and almost hung up but something stopped me—probably the liquid courage—but it felt wrong. I knew I shouldn’t be calling the woman I loved while in bed with another. When her voicemail picked up, the sound of her voice wrapped me in warmth. My heart sped up and broke at the same time. I missed her so much. I knew I’d never stop missing her, I needed her. She brought my soul to life. Without her there to set my soul on fire, I was just a shell of who I used to be. It’s what I deserved, though. I didn’t deserve happiness but she did. She deserved every happiness life had to offer. When the tone beeped, I started talking.
“Katherine, it’s Michael. I’m calling because I need to say a few things to you. I might be drunk, too. I’m sorry I left you like that. I’m sorry I couldn’t control my temper and I treated you bad. I’m no good for you. Baby, I’ve done things these past few weeks I’m not proud of. Did you know I never wanted to go to school? That I was only going for you? No, you didn’t because I never told you. I’m sure Jessica told you about Riley but I swear that wasn’t true. I needed you both to let go. Don’t wait around for me being miserable. I want you to be happy. Someday I’ll come back because I need you, I’ll always need you. I won’t let things get lost in translation next time, I promise. I’ll come back and find you when it’s time. I need to truly forgive Joseph, my mom, maybe you, and definitely myself. I need to get my head in a different space. I want to be someone better than I am now, for you, for us. When the time comes I’ll have to tell you the things I’ve done and hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive me. I can imagine by then I’ll have a lot to be forgiven for and I apologize in advance for that. Just know I love you. I’ve loved you since we were seven and I’ll love you until I die. Then when I come back I’ll find you all over again. I miss you, Katherine. The ache that your presence has been replaced with is a pain that should be reserved for someone deep in the depths of hell. Being without you is my own personal hell. Please don’t call this number; I’ll change it if you do. It’s better this way. I don’t have the right to ask, but please trust me when I say I need to become me before we can become an us again. Most importantly, I think you need to find you, too, Katherine Grace Moore. You’re going to be amazing with or without me. I just hope when I come back you’ll want to be amazing with me. I’m so sorry I couldn’t be the one to catch you this time, Katie Grace. Next time I’ll be a better man and I’ll never let you fall again.
My phone vibrates in my hand, shaking me from my memory of the night before. It’s a text from Jessica.
She didn’t get your message I did. I deleted it. She’s not well but she will be eventually. We just got home from the hospital. As if you care. You really should come see her, you’ll regret it if you don’t. But don’t come see her if you’re not going to stay, if you can’t be with her. I’ll be her family and I’ll help her with things if you can’t. But you should Michael, you have no clue, but you should. I’m deleting your number because I don’t ever want to have to lie to her about knowing how to contact you. For the record I knew you lied about Riley. You loved Katie too much to do that. I know you Michael, better than you know yourself. Don’t text me back I can’t chance it. Just come back to us.
Shit, damn, fuck! On the one hand I’m relieved she didn’t hear the message and on the other hand now she’ll never know I tried. Maybe it’s best this way. Why was she in the hospital, though? Jessica would have said if it was bad. She said she would be okay eventually. What does eventually mean? Am I ready to go back? Can I tell her everything I’ve done? No, not if she’s sick or unstable; I couldn’t do that to her. I could make her worse not better. I need to give her space. I need space.
God please forgive me and somehow make her know that I love her. I love her so much. It’s just not our time right now and I can’t go back until it is.
Chapter 10
Misty
“SO TELL ME about this girl you’ve been seeing. For the record, you look happier than I’ve ever seen you.” Daniel passes me a beer and leans up against the counter.
“I’m not seeing anyone; she’s a friend, that’s all.”
“A friend with benefits?”
“Hell no. Just a regular friend.”
“I like it. I’ve known you almost two years now and I’ve never seen you talk to anyone other than us. Never seen you go hang out with anyone other than us or the guys at work, either. Whatever she’s doing to you, let her keep doing it. We’re all finally getting a glimpse of happy Mike.”
I throw my crumpled up label at him. “So you’re saying I’ve been a miserable prick the entire time you’ve known me?”
He nods to the table, motioning for us to sit down. “No, not exactly. I just don’t think you’ve really let yourself go and be happy. You’re walking around with some pretty heavy demons. I’ve never asked you about them since that first night we met and I’m not about to now. We all go through some shit and you’ve gone through yours the past few years. I can’t say I’m not curious about your past. I know when you’re ready you’ll tell me what you want me to know. I consider you my brother, Mike, you know that, right?”
I nod at him, absorbing everything he’s saying.
“Good. Talk to me then. Tell me about Misty and what it is about her that makes you so happy that you actually smile now.”
“You’re an ass, you know that, right? I’m not asking you about your friends.”
“Of course I do. Ask away, but you know all of my friends. You, on the other hand, are an anti-social son of a bitch, so I want to know the deal. What is it about this girl that has you acting like what I assume is your normal self?”
He’s right. I have felt a lot more like my normal self. I’d even cut back on sex. I’ve even been wondering if it’s time to contact the girls. When I put too much thought into it my temper flares and I push the thoughts away. I remember the past and get angry about my dad and about how I acted. I’m n
ot angry at Katherine anymore; I don’t think I have been in a long time. After I grab us a couple more beers, I sit back down.
“There’s nothing exactly special about her, she’s just nice and easy to talk to. Misty reminds me of some people I used to know before my life was turned upside down. Things were simpler then, less complicated. Now that I’m settled in my own place, growing in my position with the company and not partying as much, I guess I’m relaxing a bit. I’m not worried about bumping into my old friends at parties or worried that they’re going to track me down and find me anymore. Life is good for a change. You’re right, I feel more like my old self. I’m still not ready to go back and mend fences. I’m just not there yet, but I am ready to move forward.”
Daniel’s picking at his label, deep in thought. “You were worried about people tracking you down?”
I nod, “Look, I had the same group of friends from the time I was in elementary school until after high school. We were close, really close. Imagine Connor dropping out of your life one day. That’s essentially what I did. I’m sure I would have tracked them down if the situation were reversed. I told them not to try and find me, though, and I meant it. So far, so good.”
“Fair enough. So are you bringing Misty to our graduation party tomorrow?”
Thank God, change of topic.
“Yeah, she’s really excited to meet everyone. You’ll like her, she’s cute and sweet. She’s the kind of girl that genuinely cares about her friends.”
Daniel raises an eyebrow at me.
“What?”
“Are you sure you don’t have feelings for her? Or better yet, are you sure she doesn’t have feelings for you?”
“No, I don’t think she does. We’re just friends, Daniel. I’m not looking for a relationship. I don’t know if I will ever be looking for a relationship. My last one was pretty fucking perfect, until it wasn’t anymore. I’ve been pretty forward with her; she knows I’m not looking for a relationship. She’s nice and laid back. It’s simple and uncomplicated. It’s just nice to be around someone of the opposite sex that isn’t trying to get me to fuck her.”
“Alright, if you say so. Just keep in mind that when a girl is spending a lot of time with a guy, texts him often, and wants to meet his friends, it’s usually because she wants more. They get that ‘I can change his mind’ complex and think they’ll be the one to turn you into relationship material. Just watch yourself.”
“Thanks for your concern, but I’ve got this under control.” Famous last words.
~~~***~~~
Daniels words weighed heavily on my mind last night and all day today. I’ve almost cancelled on Misty at least ten times. I don’t want to lead her on. She’s the one girl that I could imagine letting myself fall for if my heart wasn’t already taken. I couldn’t be more obvious of my non-feelings for her and she’s never pushed the topic. There’s never been any inappropriate touching, or even sexual innuendos between us, so I let it go. Besides, it’s my dad’s birthday weekend and it always puts me on edge. It will be nice to just have a friendly face around.
Daniel must be in charge of the music because he’s a huge Easy E fan and Boyz in the Hood is blaring with the bass kicked up high. Misty grabs my hand and I pull her through the crowd, leading her out to the yard where I know they’re all waiting.
Introductions are made all around and Connor seems to really like Misty, he even kisses her on the cheek. It doesn’t bother me as long as she doesn’t hate me after he leads her along for a few weeks and then tells her it won’t work out with them. That’s Connor’s way—he doesn’t commit, either. I’ve never asked why; it isn’t my business. I don’t think Misty is that into him, though, because she’s back at my side pretty quickly. April hands us some drinks and talks with Misty. April can be friends with anyone, effortlessly. She’s going to be a great social worker.
Jake passes shots of tequila around to us all. April and Misty took off to the bathroom and Jake huddles the rest of us together.
“I got it today. I think she’s going to love it.”
Connor pats him on the shoulder. “You’re assuming she’s going to say yes. It might be in that moment she realizes I’m really the better brother.”
Jake punches him in the arm. “Fuck you, Connor. Go find one of your own. April’s mine and I can’t wait for her to finally wear a real ring instead of that promise ring. I’m tired of watching guys eye fuck her all the time. She has no clue how desirable she is.”
“I hate to break it to you, Jake, but a ring isn’t going to stop dudes from eye fucking her. In fact, it might bring out a whole different kind of douche pool. The ones that like to fuck taken girls.”
Daniel steps between them and changes the subject. Thank god. Connor and Jake can get into some nasty fights, especially when they’re drinking.
“So we’re still on for Vegas this weekend, right? Guys trip to celebrate graduation? It’s going to be epic. Booze, strip clubs, gambling…sex. Don’t worry, Jake, we’ll take a rotation so you don’t have to be alone.”
Jake’s lip curls up at the thought, “Daniel, I’m not you. I don’t need to have someone hold my hand while I’m alone. You guys can fuck anyone you want, I’ll be at the roulette table.”
I’m not sure how many shots we’ve taken by the time the girls get back, but it’s a lot because the bottle is empty. My mood has gone downhill fast; I can’t stop thinking about my dad. We used to spend his birthdays out on the boat. All of us, even Joseph, would take the time off. Those were some of the best weekends of our lives. Joseph even paid attention to Katherine and she was so happy she glowed. Although she would never admit how happy it made her. No, not happening, not tonight.
“Mike, are you okay? You look a little lost in thought.”
Misty is smiling up at me. God, she really is a beautiful thing. Her cheeks are flushed from the alcohol and she must be hot because she took off her sweater and is walking around in a skin tight V-neck that clings to her tits.
“I’m fine, just thinking about things I shouldn’t be. Are you having fun?”
“I am. I like your friends, they’re fun. I think I’ve had too much to drink, though. Can we go over there and sit for a little bit?”
She’s pointing to Daniel’s garden. I hate to be alone with her over there. She looks so fuckable that I don’t trust myself, but I can’t tell her no. I don’t ever want to tell her no. I want to make her happy; I’m tired of making the girls close to me hate me.
“Sure, let’s go.”
If I could describe the variety of looks my friends shoot my way, I would say they vary from ‘asshole’ to ‘you lucky son of a bitch go get her.’ It’s not about that with Misty, though. It can’t be.
We sit on the swing for a little bit in silence, looking up at the stars. I try to avoid stargazing at all costs because of the memories it triggers. I wish I had a cure for wiping them away since I can’t seem to get the balls to go back to her. Misty laces her fingers in mine and I’m not sure what to do so I don’t do anything.
The next thing I know, she’s straddling my lap with her arms wrapped around my neck and her mouth on mine. The heat between her legs radiates straight through to my dick which responds faster than my mind can catch up. The kiss is slow and sweet and alarm bells go off in my head. I pull her hands away and hold them behind her back. After biting down hard on her lip, I work my way down her neck.
“Oh god! Mike, yes!”
This is wrong, it is so wrong. I can’t do this to her, I care about her enough to stop. I’m not the guy for her, she deserves so much better than me.
“Misty, stop, we can’t do this. I’m sorry but it just doesn’t feel right.”
She looks up at me with desire flaming through her eyes.
“It feels right to me. Stop over thinking this, Mike, and just feel it. I feel your dick pressed against me and I know you really don’t want to stop.”
“If we’re going to do this, Misty, we do it my way. I don’t do
sweet and romantic. I fuck, HARD. I bite, HARD. I spank, HARD. And I’ll make you come again and again, HARD. But I can’t promise tomorrow. At all.”
Her big hazel eyes are glossed over from the alcohol and I know this is a bad idea, but she’s a big girl and if she thinks she can handle it, who am I to judge her decisions? I was honest with her. I just hope Daniel is wrong and she doesn’t think she can change me.
“We’re friends, right? We’ll be friends tomorrow still and we’ll figure it all out later. I want to be with you tonight, Mike. Everything else will fall into place.” She flashes me a smile that would melt the hardest of hearts and I feel a slight tug on mine.
Fuck, this is such a bad idea.
~~~***~~~
Long after Misty is asleep, I creep downstairs to sleep on the couch. Connor’s good at getting people out of his house after a party. I didn’t expect Daniel to be still awake watching TV, though. He looks mad or maybe disappointed.
“Hey.”
He nods but doesn’t say anything. I walk into the kitchen and grab a bottle of water then come back and sit next to him.
“You have no clue how much that girl likes you, do you? Her eyes were on you all night, Mike. She absolutely adores you. I thought maybe, just maybe, she might be the one to bring you out of this. But the fact that you’re down here with me, instead of up there with her, proves how wrong I was. When is it going to be enough for you? Do yourself a favor, Mike. Figure your shit out, because if you’re going to open yourself up to friendships you’re going to have to draw a line in the sand. Friends or sex, you can’t have both. Until you finally get past all the stuff that’s holding you down, it won’t get any better.”
He’s right. I don’t even know what to say. I royally fucked up tonight. I can’t even face what I did. I have no clue how I’m going to face Misty in the morning.
