She froze. “I…I don’t remember it that way.” Holy cow. Had she really led him to believe that?
He closed the distance between them. “You don’t remember me telling you that none of those girls meant anything?”
“Sure, but—”
“You don’t remember me telling you on Sunday nights, after we started sleeping together, that no one else existed in my head but you?”
She swallowed hard. “I thought that was just, you know, sex talk.”
“I don’t do ‘just, you know, sex talk.’ Those other girls didn’t get that. They got nothing but cold, mechanical sex.”
She laughed. “Now you’re pushing it. You don’t do cold, mechanical sex.”
“Did you even know me at all back then?” He turned away, rubbing the back of his neck. Each frustrated movement drove her anxiety higher. When he faced her again, his eyes drilled into her. “I didn’t have cold, mechanical sex with you. But with them?” He pointed out the window, his arm rigid, his jaw tense. “With any other women before we got together, or since? None of them got, or will ever have, what I shared with you. Ever.”
All the starch left her body, and she slumped against the wall, too confused and upset to think straight. “But…you always said that what we did together is who you are.”
“And?” he said angrily.
“And…I don’t understand, Carson. If that’s true, then how could you not be like that with other girls?”
He stalked over, boxing her in with his hands on the windowsill. He leaned down, meeting her eye to eye. “I have never lied to you, or tried to pretend I was something I wasn’t. You know that. What we do together is who I am. The real me. Only you got the real me, Tawny. No one else.”
“Okay,” she said, still feeling blindsided by his confession of having wanted more with her.
He held her gaze, a flurry of conflicting emotions written in the tension around his mouth and the warmth in his eyes. “I always wanted more of you, but I respected you too much to push. And I was too proud to chase or beg, or whatever I would have had to do. I fucked all those women before you because I was a horny kid, and I stopped sleeping with them when we started sleeping together. But the hell with it, Tawny. I’ll chase now. I’ll chase you.”
Tears welled in her eyes. He’d stopped sleeping with the other girls? Wasn’t that what she’d always wanted? The answer was too confusing for her, because of how conflicted she’d been about the things they’d done together all those years ago. Would she have been as conflicted if they hadn’t hidden their relationship? As she looked into his honest eyes, she realized that what she would have done back then didn’t matter. All that mattered was what she felt for him now.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “If you did ask me out and I blew you off, then maybe I didn’t want to see it because I was afraid of other people somehow knowing what we were doing behind closed doors. I never even talked about sex with friends. I wasn’t like you. I was never good in crowds. How do you think I would have been if someone found out and…I don’t know…made a joke about it?”
“I never would have let that happen. I knew how careful and shy you were. Didn’t you know that?”
She shrugged. “I was so confused back then…”
He uttered a curse and pulled her into his arms. “Damn it. We were young and oblivious to what mattered. I didn’t even realize how deeply I cared for you until years later, when I was still comparing every woman I met to you, which is also messed up, because you broke me when you ended things because of a goddamn woman who meant nothing to me. I used to get through the week knowing that Sunday nights I’d have you in my arms again, like the payoff for behaving while we studied together. When you took that away because of some nobody I’d slept with two years earlier, it didn’t erase my feelings. It just fucking hurt. You took a piece of me with you when we went back to being friends.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” A tear slipped down her cheek with the memory of that night, of Carson offering the same explanation to her, but she’d been too overwhelmed and upset to listen. She had to make things right. If they had any chance of putting their missing pieces back together, she had to tell him the whole truth.
“That wasn’t the reason,” she said just above a whisper.
“What?” Confusion and anger stared back at her.
“I didn’t end things because of that girl,” she clarified.
“But—”
“I mean, that’s what I said, but that wasn’t the real reason. It was the easiest way out.” She stared at his chest to keep from looking into his eyes while she revealed her shameful secret. “I was scared of who I was becoming. I was ashamed that we had this secret, which felt taboo and thrilling. It completely overwhelmed me. I couldn’t even look at you without wanting to do dirty things together. It was too much. I felt like a sex addict but with these all-consuming emotions toward you.” She spoke as fast as she could, unable to believe she was baring her soul after all these years, but he deserved the truth, and she wanted to finally say it out loud. “I couldn’t pay attention in class, or when we studied together. And when I thought you were out with other girls? I nearly lost my mind. I was out of control. I—”
He tipped her chin up, forcing her to look into his compassionate eyes, bringing another onslaught of emotions.
“Jesus, Tabs. How could you keep that from me?”
“What was I supposed to say? ‘Guess what, Carson? You know all those things I love doing with you? They make me feel like I’ve become an out-of-control pervert.’”
“Holy Christ,” he seethed. “Is that what you think of us?”
“No!” She squeezed her eyes shut to stave off tears, and when she opened them, he was staring into her eyes. The man was not afraid of anything.
“Tawny, why are you here? Why did you come back if you feel that way?”
“Because I don’t feel that way anymore.” She swiped at her tears, and he took a step back, a skeptical look hovering in his eyes. “I haven’t for a very long time. I married Keith because he was safe. He would never sleep with anyone else, or ask me to do anything even the least bit creative in the bedroom.”
“I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else.” He crossed his arms over his chest, his biceps twitching.
“I know that now.”
“What does that have to do with how you feel about what we did? Or why you’re here now?”
“Because,” she said too loudly, but she was unable to quiet the monsters she was finally setting free. “Don’t you get it? I spent all those years with Keith trying to change who I was. I thought if I married someone safe, those urges that were so overpowering would go away, but they never did. I spent my marriage wishing I could feel more, love harder. Keith and I were like good friends and roommates who happened to sleep together, but it was nothing like what I’d experienced with you, even as a friend, without the sexual benefits. Even before you and I were sleeping together you were my everything, Carson. I felt lucky to have you as my best friend. There was no passion with Keith, nothing that made my heart pound.”
She paced, trying to get her thoughts out as clearly as she could. “I bought sexy lingerie and made comments about heating things up in the bedroom, but that wasn’t him, and I can’t blame him for that. It was me who had the issue. You opened a door and I tried to force it closed, but it wouldn’t close. It wouldn’t close because I realized that what I missed, what I craved, has always been more than just passionate sex. It was you. You were always there in our bedroom, in my head, and Keith knew it. He knew I never stopped wanting you. I’m here because I’ve hit a wall, Carson. I can’t move forward with my life. I’m stuck in this place with you in my head and in my heart, and I don’t know if it’s real or what to make of it. I have to get some perspective about us and what all these feelings mean. And before you say anything, I’ve grown up, Carson. I’m not that naive, introverted girl anymore. I know what we were doing wasn’t wrong. And honestly, if
it was, I don’t care, because in the years since I ended things with you, I’ve felt even more out of control than I did before I ended it. Until now.”
Relief washed over his face, followed by something more conflicted.
“I won’t lie to you,” she promised. “I’m still confused about things, but not about what we did together or my feelings about us. I’m just confused about where that fits in.”
“Fits in with who? Or what?”
“I don’t know. Maybe I am still naive in some ways. Does what we do have a name?” She tucked her hair behind her ear and focused on a vein in his arm as she spoke, concentrating on that so she didn’t chicken out. “I went to one of those private BDSM clubs after I was divorced, right before I moved to Paris, to see if I could feel all those things I felt with you again. But it was all wrong. It felt dirty or something. Not dirty. I mean, I’m not judging those people. I know it’s me that’s messed up. I didn’t even know how to do what they wanted me to do right. I felt like someone had poured pepper in a high-end fragrance, and I was the pepper. It was a terrible experience.”
“Christ almighty,” he uttered. “Look at me, Tabs,” he said a little softer.
She met his gaze, expecting to see disappointment, or a look of repulsion, but the compassion in his eyes nearly brought her to her knees. He closed the distance between them again, and she ached to be in his arms.
“I wish you had talked to me. I hate that you went to that type of place looking to fill a void you never should have had.” He clenched his teeth, and the muscles in his jaw bulged, but she sensed he wasn’t angry with her. “You’re not messed up, baby. I went through all those conflicted feelings before we got together. I could have helped you through it. I would have understood, and maybe then I could have convinced you to be with me more than just Sunday nights.”
A tear slipped down her cheek. “I never knew you wanted that.”
“I know. Damn it, if I had pushed, then we wouldn’t have kept our relationship a secret, and maybe you would have felt differently.” He scrubbed a hand over his jaw. “We can’t change how we communicated back then, but we can change how we communicate starting right now. If you need to label what we did, call it making love our way. You didn’t like that club because you are no more a submissive than I am a dom. We do what we feel, when we feel like it. There are no rules between us, no expectations, no right or wrong. Well, other than I will not share you.” His lips curved up in a sexy smile, and she couldn’t help but return it with a smile of her own.
“You shared yourself in college,” she reminded him.
“I was a stupid kid, and that ended when we were together. I no longer make mistakes with my body.” He brushed her tears away. “I promise you that if we’re together, I will never touch another woman. But you have to make me a promise—”
“I’d never hook up with someone else.” Her voice cracked, and she paused to try to gain control.
“I know you won’t. That’s not what I was going to say.” The commanding look she knew so well returned, and when he spoke, his voice held the steel pierce of a demand. “If at any point you feel even an inkling of what you felt back then, you need to tell me right away. You can always talk to me.”
Part of her was upset that they’d lost so many years together, while another part—a bigger part—thought she’d needed that time to grow up and figure out who she really was. But she still couldn’t help wondering if she would have been happier figuring that out with Carson by her side.
“I know I can. I think I’ve always known that, but I was too…I don’t know…consumed by it all? What I feel for you was—is—overwhelming.”
His gaze softened, and his tone followed. “Are you scared now?”
She could no sooner withhold the truth from him than she could hide it from herself. “Yes and no.”
He took both of her hands in his, rubbing his thumbs over them, comforting her in ways only he knew how. That simple motion, those little touches, his thumbs soothing over her hands, or when he cradled her face and brushed his thumbs over her cheeks, were the things he used to do when they were friends, before they became lovers. She’d fallen in love with him then, over sci-fi movies and Junior Mints, pizzas and textbooks, before they’d even shared a first kiss. Those things would always bring her back to the very soul of their relationship.
“Me too,” he said. “But you’re here now, and as long as you don’t shut me out, we can figure it out together.”
Chapter Five
UNDERSTANDING WHAT TAWNY had gone through in college was bittersweet. Carson needed honesty, and even with her confession, he felt she’d been as honest as she could have been back then. He knew better than anyone the way sexual urges could feel as paralyzing as they were empowering, and now that he understood what she’d gone through, he would take extra care to make sure she never felt that way again. No more hiding, no more easing up on his emotions. If she wasn’t all in at the end of their time together, it sure as hell wasn’t going to be because he’d backed off the way he had in college. He was going to love her the way she deserved to be loved, in public and behind closed doors. If anyone was going to get hurt, it would be him, and now that she was in his arms again, that was a chance he was willing to take.
“I never figured you for a cheap date,” Tawny teased as they left a café, where they’d shared soup and sandwiches. Barton had taken them to drop off the remaining boxes at Carson’s house, and then he’d dropped Carson and Tawny off at Bryant Park.
They headed for the Winter Village, a European-inspired open-air shopping area decked out with bright, colorful holiday lights, featuring artists from around the world. Each shop was housed in a custom-designed, glass-sided kiosk.
“Cheap my ass. I made reservations at One if by Land, Two if by Sea for dinner.” Carson draped an arm over her shoulder as they moved through the crowd.
“Um…? Fish and chips?”
He stopped walking and tugged her against him, causing a wave of people to split around them like the Red Sea. “Do I seem like a fish and chips type of guy to you?”
“Well, you are really good at handling your rod.”
Her eyes sparked with heat, and he lowered his mouth, stopping when they were a whisper apart. She fisted her hands in his coat and went up on her toes, trying to claim a kiss as he pulled out of reach.
Her green eyes narrowed, and she tugged his coat harder. “Give. Me. Those. Lips.”
Damn, he loved when she got bossy. “Or else?”
“Or else…”
She searched his eyes, and he wondered if she knew that whatever it was didn’t matter. He’d kiss her breathless for the rest of her life if she’d let him.
“Or else I’ll withhold my body.”
He slid his hands beneath her coat, thankful that it covered her ass, and grabbed just that, holding her against him again. “You sure you want to do that?”
Her breath left her lungs in one heated word—“No.”
“That’s my girl. I’ll have you know, One if by Land is rated as one of the most romantic restaurants in the world. I might want to have fun and date you like we should have done years ago, but I’m not going to treat you like a college kid. Not for dinner, and not in the bedroom.”
She licked her lips, her eyes widening with his promise as he guided her out of the middle of the crowd.
He leaned in, placing his mouth beside her ear. This time he was going to make damn sure she knew exactly what he was thinking. “I unknowingly hurt you by holding back once, Tabs. I’m not going to make that mistake again.”
He lowered his mouth to hers tenderly, pulling her tight against him, chest to chest, thigh to thigh, as he took the kiss deeper. She moaned, grasping at his shoulders, trying to take more of him, more of their passion. He’d always loved kissing Tawny, but kissing her in public like this blew his mind and filled him in ways he never thought possible. If he’d kissed her like this in public when they were in college, she’d hav
e turned to dust out of sheer embarrassment. Man, he’d fallen so hard for all of her back then, her sweet vulnerabilities and her private sexual prowess. He never imagined his desires could run even hotter, that his emotions could soar higher. But when her hands moved softly around his neck, giving herself over to their kiss, he wanted to jump five steps ahead to being on his knees enjoying another part of her. Someone bumped his shoulder, knocking him out of his fantasy.
Carson kept hold of Tawny, glaring at the offender.
“Sorry, man,” the guy said.
“No worries,” Carson muttered, turning his attention back to Tawny. “You okay?”
“Yeah,” she said breathily. “Your kisses have always made the rest of the world disappear. That’s dangerous for me.”
“I’m definitely going to use that to my advantage in the bedroom, but I’ll try to be mindful in public.”
“No, don’t,” she said quickly, her cheeks flushing. “I need this, Carson. I thought I’d learned everything I could about myself when we were apart, but I’m learning even more being with you.”
They headed for the shops, and he kissed her again and again as they made their way through the crowds. He hadn’t paid much attention to the holidays since college, when he and Tawny used to make a big deal about them before winter break. Now it was just another time of year, another good excuse to get together with family. But as he walked through the market with Tawny by his side, watching her admire handmade jewelry, books, artwork, and holiday ornaments, Carson felt the joy of the holidays approaching the way he used to, and his mind began to wander. He envisioned spoiling Tawny with lavish gifts, taking her away for a weekend at an exclusive resort, where he could pamper her away from the rest of the world. He glanced at her standing a few feet away, looking adorable as she sniffed scented candles, smiling at the ones she liked and wrinkling her nose at the ones she didn’t. He could watch her all day long.
Bad Boys After Dark: Carson (Bad Billionaires After Dark Book 3) Page 6
