by AJ Schippers
Julia let the words wash over her. Alexandra wasn’t like anyone else in her life. She saw that now, perhaps for the first time. So far, Alexandra had proved to be there for Julia and had given her space and time as she had needed. Julia’s heart fluttered with warmth as she realized how much she trusted Alexandra.
“I know you’ve said that you trust me, but I needed to prove it to you. I didn’t take advantage of you. I listened to what you told me before we started, and I kept my word.”
“Thank you,” Julia said with a smile. “So, this was some kind of trust exercise?”
Alexandra shook her head. “No. I wanted to tie you up, and I wanted you to understand that it isn’t all as scary as you make it out to be in your head.”
“Mission accomplished,” Julia said as Alexandra reached around Julia and untied the rope swiftly. “Oh.” The loss of sensation had made her a bit sad. “That actually felt really nice.”
“Perhaps we can do it again.” Alexandra helped Julia down. “But now comes the truly scary part.” She wiggled her brows.
“What’s that?”
“Now,” Alexandra said as she wrapped Julia’s arms around her own waist and pulled her close, “we hug.”
Julia chuckled softly as she leaned into the touch and closed her eyes, not in a hurry to let go anytime soon. Her lips curled up in a smile when Alexandra soothingly stroked her back.
“I still have thirty minutes left,” Alexandra said.
“Alexandra?”
“Yes, Julia?”
Julia wrapped her arms tighter around Alexandra. She swallowed thickly as she felt the tears prick behind her eyes and rob her of words. Being with her in this setting brought on more emotions than she was prepared for, and she couldn’t stop the tears that were now flowing freely down her cheeks.
“It’s okay,” Alexandra cooed. “You’re okay. You did so well, Julia. I am so incredibly proud of you.”
“Thank you.” With a sniffle, she released Alexandra from the hug and wiped at her eyes. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t ever apologize for your emotions. Crying is a natural response. Don’t feel ashamed, and do not apologize.” She smiled as she took Julia’s hand and pulled her along to the living room, where she sat down on her chair and crossed her legs.
Julia bit her lip as she lowered herself to the ground and leaned her head against Alexandra’s knees. She pulled up her own knees and sighed contentedly when Alexandra’s hands untied the ponytail and her fingers started to gently comb through her hair.
“Can we do that again sometime?” she asked quietly.
“We can. All you have to do is ask me.”
Julia nodded against Alexandra’s knee. “Not when your clients get here, though.”
“Of course not,” she said with a playful lilt in her voice. “We wouldn’t want to do that again when there are people here who wouldn’t judge us for it!”
“I’m not worried about being judged,” Julia shot back. “I’m just learning and adjusting. I need time.”
Alexandra sighed and exhaled through her nose. “I would never want you to feel uncomfortable, Julia. Not while you’re figuring all these feelings out, anyway.”
“What happens when I’ve figured them out?”
“I don’t know.” Alexandra’s voice was almost trembling. She took a deep breath. “I suppose we will have another talk when you do.”
“I don’t want to be another of your clients.”
“You’re not a client, Julia.”
“Caroline paid you.”
Alexandra frowned, clearly not liking where the conversation was headed. “She paid me to give you accommodation. Nothing more.”
“So you say,” Julia said, not quite understanding her current outburst herself. She had just finished telling herself that Alexandra was the most trustworthy person in her life. But maybe that only applied in the playroom. And why was Alexandra being so nice to Julia, this random person who had shown up unexpectedly on her doorstep? What was her payback in all this? “You don’t know what Caroline had in mind when she did. For all you know, she wanted this to happen.”
“Then I will give her back the money. I don’t need it. If it makes you uncomfortable, I will be happy to return it.”
A hint of anger had entered Alexandra’s voice. Julia wondered at it. Maybe this was all about money. How thin was Alexandra’s veneer of kindness before you scratched at the surface and she turned out to be just as self-centered as everyone else? Julia stood up and faced her. “I remember the first day I arrived. You became a lot friendlier when money was added into the equation.” A part of her winced at her own accusation, but she told herself it had to be put out there. She would not be taken advantage of.
She took a step backward.
“Julia,” Alexandra said softly as she reached for her hand and pulled her down. “You are not a client. If you were, you would not be sitting on my lap. I wouldn’t let you sleep in my bed. I would be a whole lot stricter with you, and I wouldn’t be telling you stories about my youth.” She placed a hand on Julia’s back and rubbed it softly. “We had a rocky start, and I know you lash out when you feel that people are coming too close, but I’m not here to hurt you.”
“Prove it,” Julia said as she lifted her chin. Where was she even going with this?
“How?” Alexandra furrowed her brow. “I don’t know how else to prove it to you.”
“I do,” Julia said as she turned her head and stared straight into Alexandra’s eyes. She swallowed thickly and leaned in closer. “You could kiss me.” Yes, this was what she wanted. If Alexandra really wanted her, it stood to reason that she would kiss Julia, right?
“Julia,” Alexandra breathed out, her gaze darting away. “I am not ready for that.”
“Why not?” Julia cried out. “You say I’m not one of your clients. I’ve been fighting you every step of the way, and you’re still here. So why won’t give you give me the one thing I truly need?”
“What do you need?”
“Reassurance that this is more than a session to you. That I mean something to you.” Julia screwed up her courage and cupped Alexandra’s face with the palm of her hand.
“How would a kiss prove that to you?”
“You don’t kiss your clients.” Her voice cracked. “You’ve said it yourself. You don’t allow your clients to touch you.” She hadn’t objected, so Julia let her thumb trace Alexandra’s lips. “Prove to me that I’m not just another client. Prove to me that I’m worth something.” Julia’s lips quivered.
“Oh, Julia,” Alexandra murmured as she pulled Julia’s head down and eased it onto her shoulder. “You are worth everything. A kiss isn’t going to make you believe that you are worthy. No one can make you believe that but yourself.”
“I’m so frustrated.” Julia sniffled. “I feel things for you, and I want to make you proud of me.”
“I am proud of you.” Alexandra hugged Julia closer to her. “Whether I kiss you or not, I am incredibly proud of you. You’ve been doing so well. I know it’s scary and frightening. But a kiss isn’t going to take those feelings away. You said before that you want time to wrap your head around things. I don’t want to make things even more complicated for you by kissing you.”
Julia burrowed her head deeper into Alexandra’s shoulder. She didn’t understand why Alexandra wouldn’t kiss her. It was all she had asked for while here, the one thing she truly needed from Alexandra. She still felt aroused from when Alexandra’s hand had been on her as she wrapped the rope around her, and while that scared her, it scared her more that Alexandra didn’t want any kind of intimacy.
“I understand what you said about trust and appreciate that you kept your word. But I don’t understand why when I ask you for reassurance, you won’t give it to me. It seems simple to me. You say you don’t allow for any intimacy between you and your clients, so logically some kind of intimacy would take away any fear of mine that I’m just another toy.”
Alex
andra carefully pushed Julia off her lap and stood up. She paced in front of the chair, and Julia gulped when Alexandra’s tone changed to one of frustration. “That wasn’t intimate to you?”
“I’m going to be furious if your client gets here and you kiss her.”
“This isn’t about you wanting reassurance, is it? This is about you being jealous of my client.”
“Well, can you blame me?”
“No. But you need to understand that what I do is work. I have no feelings for my clients.” Alexandra stopped in front of the chair and sank down in between Julia’s knees. “You are not a client, Julia. There’s no need to be jealous of those who are. It is just work.”
“What about other things?” Julia murmured as she grabbed Alexandra’s hand and played with her fingers. “Have these been inside of her?”
“They have.” Julia dropped Alexandra’s hand and turned her head away as her eyes glossed over. This wasn’t fair.
Alexandra grabbed Julia’s hand and laced their fingers together. “I have never wiped away my client’s tears. My fingers have never played with her hair, nor have they cupped her cheek.” She brought Julia’s fingertips to her mouth and pressed her lips against each one. “I have never done that.” She moved her lips to Julia’s knuckles and kissed them softly. “Nor that.”
When Julia turned to face her again, Alexandra looked taken aback by the trail of tears on her cheeks. “Will I ever see you again once I go back to the mainland?” Julia asked.
“Who says you’re going back?”
Julia’s eyes widened until she realized it was a joke.
“Of course you will, Julia. I will come by your office, and we can tag-team Caroline as we tell her in no uncertain terms that she went about this the wrong way.”
Julia’s lips curled up in the tiniest smile.
“And when we’ve done that, I will take you to dinner.”
“McDonald’s?”
“Over my dead body.” She smiled when Julia nearly giggled and cupped her cheek as her thumb traced over Julia’s lips. “I want to kiss you. I want to do many delicious things to you, but neither of us is ready for that. I want you to want it because you want it, not because you’re jealous.”
“Maybe I should sleep in my own bed tonight.”
“Not a chance. You’re not running away from me just because it got difficult for a second.”
“I’m not running, it’s just really difficult to sleep next to you if I can’t touch you,” Julia said.
“You can still touch me. You can hug me and snuggle up against me.”
Julia sighed. “Okay. No kissing, just hugging.”
“That’s right. I will show you all about intimacy and reassurance without ever pressing my lips on yours.”
“I really want it, though.”
“I know,” Alexandra smiled.
“How about a kiss on the cheek?” Julia asked as she gave Alexandra her best puppy eyes.
Moving upward, Alexandra pressed her lips on Julia’s soft cheek. She lingered there longer than Julia could deal with, and Julia opened her eyes when the soft lips retracted from her skin.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome, my girl.”
Julia became very still. “What did you just say?” she whispered.
“I said, ‘You’re welcome,’” Alexandra said. “Dommes often congratulate others for a job well done, just like normal people would.”
“No, not that,” Julia said, her voice increasing in volume. “The other thing.”
“‘My girl’?”
“Yeah. That. Let me tell you something.” Julia stabbed a finger in Alexandra’s direction. “Just because we did that doesn’t mean you own me, and you definitely do not get to call me yours. Got it?”
“I-I’m sorry,” Alexandra stammered.
But she didn’t care about the shock and hurt on Alexandra’s face. Julia turned around and stormed off.
Alexandra was utterly frustrated. Ever since Julia had arrived on Shadow Haven, they had been in a tug-of-war. Every time Alexandra felt they took a step forward, it was immediately followed by two steps back. Granted, her calling Julia ‘my girl’ wasn’t her smartest move, but she had said it with the best of intentions. It had fallen from her lips faster than she could process, and when Julia had started yelling at her, she had just felt incredibly sad.
Just because we did that doesn’t mean you own me. Alexandra kept repeating the words over and over in her head and sighing heavily whenever she did. It was so much easier with her clients; they didn’t fight back like Julia did, and they didn’t exhaust her.
The soft sound of her door being opened caught her attention.
“Are you up?”
“Technically speaking, I’m down,” she said into the darkness. She tilted her head sideways when Julia sat down on the bed cross-legged, facing Alexandra. “There’s no thunder, Julia.”
“I know.”
The silence that fell between them was one that Alexandra loathed, as all these unspoken words only created more barriers. “Why are you here?” Her tone was a little harsher than intended.
“Caroline sent me,” Julia replied stoically.
“Why are you in my bed?”
“Just because.”
Alexandra sighed and rolled over, away from Julia. “You are really starting to piss me off.”
“That’s what I do best.”
It wasn’t hard to imagine the small smile on Julia’s face, but Alexandra couldn’t show her the same courtesy even if she tried. Julia made life unnecessarily difficult for her, and it saddened Alexandra too much to smile back.
“That is horseshit, and you know it.”
“No, it’s not. My entire life I have pissed people off, and I’ve paid the price for it.”
“And what price is that?” Alexandra attempted to roll over, but Julia’s hand on her hip stopped her.
“Don’t,” Julia said softly. “I’m alone, I have no friends. I push people away when they get too close. I worked my ass off for Caroline, and when she sent me on vacation, I felt relief. It was supposed to be a break. Instead, I’m here with you, and while I barely know you, I feel like you know me inside out, and I can’t stand it.”
Alexandra kept quiet as she listened.
“When you called me ‘my girl,’ I felt as if you laid claim on me. I’m way too independent for that, Alexandra.”
“I have apologized for that.” Her fingers started to play with the edge of the sheet to keep herself from rolling over to look at Julia.
“I don’t want you to apologize. I want you to acknowledge the fact that Caroline paying you to have me stay here is fucked up.”
That one hurt, and yet it made her angry as well. Julia was going back and forth about the money situation, and it made her feel utterly confused. She still didn’t understand what the big deal was. “Now this is about the money? I don’t see the difference between Caroline giving me money to have you stay here and giving some hotel owner money to have you stay there.”
“Because I wouldn’t be interested in the hotel owner, Alexandra. They wouldn’t tie me up and say they’re proud of me,” Julia spat out.
Alexandra sighed. It was hard to keep up with Julia’s current train of thought. She sat up straight and looked at her. “I know you’re lashing out because you are scared. I don’t blame you. What I said was wrong, especially after you did something so incredibly brave and something that you weren’t expecting. Are you regretting that it happened? Was it too soon?”
“No. I wanted it to happen, and I don’t regret it. But”—she was quiet for a moment—“I’m scared.”
“I don’t want to be in control of you, Julia.”
“You do, though,” Julia quietly said. “Your entire life is about having control over others and them submitting to you.”
“My professional life is, yes. But my private life…that is not about controlling others. You know… You are not the only one who is struggli
ng with this.”
“Really?” Julia huffed. “I haven’t seen you struggle one bit. What are you struggling with?”
Alexandra was quiet for a moment. “I have never had anyone here who I didn’t see as a client. When you first arrived, I was taken aback because I didn’t know you, nor was I expecting you so soon. Part of me wants to break through all your layers, and part of me is scared to do so because I have never wanted to do that before.”
“And what happens when you get to the core of me?”
“I do—”
Julia cut her off. “I will tell you exactly what happens. You will send me back eventually, just like everyone else has so far. I’m not a good person, Alexandra. I’m not entirely bad either, but my flaws are what help me sleep at night. They are my comfort zone, and you wanting to ‘peel away my layers’ only makes me want to repel you more. Because every time I open myself up, people push and send me away. It’s only a matter of time before you do as well.”
“I am not one of your foster families,” Alexandra bitterly said. “I have been nothing but kind to you, welcomed you with open arms.”
“Because you were paid to do so.”
“If I had known your story, Julia, or if I had known that I would start to feel about you the way that I do now, I wouldn’t have taken the money. I understand why it’s a sore point for you, but I didn’t take the money to buy your company or to take care of you. It was nothing more than business—” Alexandra’s voice trailed off before she quietly murmured, “Oh.”
Julia smiled. “Yeah.”
“I can’t undo what I did, Julia. I can’t reverse time and tell Caroline to go fuck herself.”
“I can’t believe you actually used that word.” Julia bit her lip and sighed deeply. “I know neither of us can reverse time. I just… I don’t know how I am going to handle your client being here. Sharing is one thing I don’t do well, and jealousy is something I do really well.”
